Should I intervene in my brother’s marriage?

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,
I have written to you about the challenges in my marriage in the past, and thank God for the advice you gave me. I followed it and although the problems are not yet fully solved, but I believe we are moving in the right direction. God Bless you real good.
I am writing you now because of my younger and only brother. I have never been very close to him and although I knew he had problems with his wife. Who hasn’t? I did not realise how bad it was until last week when I learnt that he had asked his wife of 19 years, who gave him five children, to leave the house. When she refused, he hit her and that was when she called me. When I tried to involve my mother, aunt, and other sisters, I learnt all of them were in agreement she should leave the house. If not for my intervention, her parents were going to involve the police in this latest quarrel.
I understand that they have not lived together as man and wife for more than two years now, and that my brother has accused her of adultery and insisted he can never have anything else to do with her. I am not holding brief for her because I know that a woman left for over two years without her man is open to all kinds of temptation. However, I do not support her leaving the house because I know that the moment she does so, another woman will move in and bring on all the problems of a polygamous home. Fortunately for me, she also is adamant to leave.
I do not know all the details, but in conversation with a few of my siblings, they heaped all manner of accusations on her - some of which I know are true.
She is very arrogant and considers herself superior to her husband, she has a doctorate degree while he has master.
She does not keep the house well – both in the town and the village – being the only wife with my other sisters married and my mother away from the village.
She does not consider herself a part of the family after so long – she has never bought anything for the home in the village and all her income goes to her people.
She has exhibited some of these behaviours towards me, but being the person that I am, I overlooked them. And when she tried to come closer to me, I welcomed her not knowing it was because she had quarrelled with all the others that she came to make peace with me.
My own understanding of the problems is:
There is a very bitter rivalry between my brother and my mother who has been widowed for a long time and his wife. My brother is her only son.
My brother is not a Christian and his wife claims to be.
It is well known that people from her state consider themselves superior to people from mine. Also, as a general rule, they are also used to channelling all their income to their maiden homes rather than to their married homes.
She is by nature a very untidy/dirty person.
However, I am aware that it takes two to quarrel and that even I have had difficulties in managing my relationship with both my brother and my mother, because of our differences in ideology. In that regard, I understand that my sister-in-law may not have done the right things, she is also up against a daunting task in managing these two.
Considering that I am not close to my brother, I am not sure if I should intervene, especially as he has not told me, and that I do not know all the facts. Because of the bitter rivalry between my mother and my sister-in-law, I know my mother is the wrong person, to be fair, and that’s the reason I involved my aunt. However, it looks like my aunt is also towing the line of my sisters, having gone there once to mediate and coming away to tell me that our in-laws annoyed her by the way and manner they behaved. She said rather than try to mediate, they were giving conditions to my brother.
What I want you to advise me on is:
Do you think I should intervene even at the risk of getting a brush off from my brother?
If you advise me to intervene, how do I tackle this issue? What angle do I tackle it from?


Concerned Sister.

Dear Concerned Sister,
No matter the quality of relationship that exists between you and your brother, please intervene. From all that you have said, you appear to be the only person who has the right frame of mind to help your brother resolve this issue amicably.
Since you already know what to expect from him, refuse to be offended by him or his response to your efforts at making him see reason.
It would help a great deal if you anchor your intervention on the welfare of his children. Try to make him understand that whatever support as well as assurances he may be getting from your mother and other siblings that they would help with the children may not always be there because your sisters have families of their own and your mother will not be around forever.
Besides, as the only boy, his children are the only ones to carry your father’s name, hence the need to ensure everything is done by him to protect your father’s legacy. It is important he realises that the children are usually the ones that suffer most when parents are having problems. He must have a favourite among his children. It will help a great deal if you are able to enlist the help of the children, especially the one closet to his heart to present the case of your sister-in-law.
With the help of the children, you would at least succeed in making him listen to whatever you have to say. Don’t count on him agreeing with you on anything you say immediately. But it would help you assess how much damage has been done by both parties to the union and how best to salvage a very bad situation. It would also give you the right picture in your brother’s mindset.
For now, sidetrack your brother, aunt and mother. See how you can get your nieces and nephews first. Tell him of your mission and how they think you can get their parents to agree with you. Being insiders, listen to their views concerning their parents. In talking to them, you will see the full picture of the task before you. They would act as your middle persons in the task of bringing their parents together. Your talk with them will help you to establish the truth concerning this situation. There is no way they would all take sides with a particular parent against the other. No matter how divided the children are, by the time you listen to all five of them, you would get a near perfect understanding of what is happening.
Having them on your side would make it possible to talk senses into your brother as well a sister-in-law who also has to change if she hopes to stay in her husband’s house. It is one thing for you to convince your brother to allow his wife stay, while it is another thing getting her to change her ways. There is no way you can negotiate her stay if she insists her ways are the only one known to her. Having lived with your brother for 19 years, she ought to know by now those things that make him angry. There are sacrifices she must be ready to make for the sake of her home and her children.
This is one point you must make clear to her. Granted, she is up against a formidable opponent in your mother, but if she is wise and humble, she can overcome it. To help her to stay, it is pertinent she gives respect to whom respect is due. She is a mother and would one day become a mother-in-law. How would she feel if her daughter-in-law tries to cause a division between her and her son? Mothers-in-law are often than not huge problems in most marriages, but given their respect and dues, they can be contained. She must be ready to be more accommodative of your mother whose only son she is married to.
It is also important you get to speak with her family. Call the mother especially and appeal to her to ensure she helps her daughter stay in that house. Once she isn’t getting the right kind of support from her family, chances are she would settle down to make her marriage work.
Be fair to both your brother and her. Where you have to apportion blame, don’t hesitate it is the only way to make both of them see reasons.
Your brother has to understand that leaving his wife isn’t a solution but knowing where to draw the line between his mother and wife. He must understand that, even if his present wife leaves, the next woman may not be able to cope if the situation remains same.
If he insists she should go, ask him what he would do if it were your husband asking you to go? Don’t try to justify anything either of them has done to the other. The simple truth remains that no marriage is without its challenges. By sharing some of yours with them would further help them come to the need for both of them to talk, no matter how unpleasant it may be.
Once he sees your intervention as sincere, not meant to ridicule him, he will overtime come to appreciate your involvement.
To get the best out of these two, begin by asking to find out from them what the problems really are. This approach is to earn you their confidence. It underscores your concern as well as resolution to be fair to everybody.
Whatever happens, it is important you don’t feel offended by any of them if you really want to restore peace in this home. It is also necessary for you to talk to your mother. She too should allow her son make his mistakes and grow his marriage.
Good luck.