My wife is ungodly

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a reasonable man that has a bright future but got married to an ungodly wife determined to ruin my life.
It took me a while to notice that she isn’t the person I thought she was. This is because her mien is innocent and gentle. However underneath is a very volatile person, one people close to her try so much to avoid.
To cut the story short we are separated. She actually ran away with our children.
If I don’t part with money, she won’t allow me see my children.
What pains me the most is the fact that she isn’t taking good care of the children. I want to enroll the eldest one in a good school but she is refusing my request.
Agatha, what can I do now because I am fed up with this woman? She isn’t hiding the fact that she plans to injure me whenever I come near my children. My children are my future; my family members have tried their best to settle the matter but it was in vain.
I need your assistance. Please help me by giving me the best way to solve this problem. I am too young for this problem and don’t know how to handle this. I don’t want to die untimely.
Bode.

Dear Bode,
This matter has gone beyond your family alone. Her family must be involved in this matter too.
Besides involving her family, you must also be truthful to yourself. Granted she may have her faults but there is no way she could have done it alone.
Somewhere along the line, you may have done one or two things to provoke her reaction.
When issues get this complicated in a marriage or relationship, the best approach remains dialogue.
Given the attendant bitterness and trading of blames that accompany every troubled marriage or relationship, you won’t achieve any success if you insist on discussing anything with her on your own. She is still hurting just as you are and only time would help both of you heal sufficiently to come to an agreement that would suit you both.
To insist on her listening to you in her present state of mind is to drive a wedge further between the two of you. Irrespective of what you currently feel about each other, the presence of the children makes it inevitable for both of you to continue to relate as friends.
You may have decided to live your lives separately but resist allowing your soured feelings get into the way of the welfare of the children. You can forgive each other but those children will never forgive you both if they end up becoming the victims of your troubled marriage.
For this reason, you may have to stop forcing her to allow you visit the children. Presentation matters a lot. Your current approach maybe the reasons she is resisting your request. Both of you are still too raw to be able to deal with seeing each other.
Understandably, a lot of things went wrong while you were living together as a couple. The fact that both of you lacked the patience and determination not to allow your differences and disappointments tear both of you apart, be careful these same factors don’t make your children your enemies eventually.
Whether you or she likes it or not, both of you cannot continue to ignore the presence of each other. A time would come when you would need to create the avenue for discussion because of the children. The way you handle your current impasse would determine how far you go in getting that cooperation from her.
The reason being she currently has the children living with her. To the outside world, she is the one who has been traumatized and is forced to run for safety. Even though you say you are the victim, not many people would believe you.
Going to her to insist on seeing the children would ultimately lead to a major disagreement between the two of you and that would definitely work against you. How many people are you going to try to convince that she is the real problem?
For this reason you have to be tactical because what you think is her fault, others may see as her strength.
Besides, when it comes to marital dispute, nobody is ever blameless.
As a man you are to blame for being unable to understudy your wife, know when to ignore her, turn her negative side to her strength, grow the determination to be her friend and as such wean her of what you consider a threat to the peace of your home. The fact that you lacked what it takes to manage a woman with her kind of temper is itself a fault on your part. Selflessness and sacrifices are what make the difference between marital success and failure.
The kind of temper you say she has, isn’t the kind that can go unnoticed. You must have felt the heat of her temper during your courtship days. That you ignored it or had the courage to put up with it at that time without pausing to think of the long term implication of living with her kind of person, couldn’t have been her making. It was your choice and the ideal thing and way forward is to accept your own mistakes in the mess your marriage to her has become.
You should have realized that for those children to grow into the kind of persons you want them to be, they would need stability in your reactions to their mother’s temperament.
Being honest with yourself at this difficult juncture of your life would help you to put things in proper perspective.
It is the only way to let go of all the built up bitterness and tensions your marriage went through as well as provide you with the energizer you need to face your new marital challenges.
After speaking with members of her family and explaining what you want for the time being, seek the help of a mutual friend to be the in-between. This friend, apart from trying to appeal your case to her would be your witness in future. He or she would be able to answer for you when the children begin to ask questions concerning the efforts you made to see or get them.
This friend should also witness all the financial transaction between your wife and you concerning the welfare of the children.
If she isn’t taking care of them the way you want, get an accommodation for her, discuss the kind of school you want the child to enroll with her on the phone without making her appear inadequate or insensitive to the needs of the children.
Being their mother, she is naturally equipped to care for the children but this isn’t to say that if you notice things you don’t like, you should keep quiet. She has friends and family members you can talk to.
Beyond the issue of preserving the welfare of your children, there is also the need for you to rethink your options.
Isn’t there anything you can do to pull your marriage out of the woods? What lessons have you learnt from all these things happening by her packing out and the welfare of the children? Is there a possibility that the two of you can come back to make it work? What sacrifices are you willing to make?
There is always that point in our lives when we look back with regrets at some of our actions in the past.
In a decade from now, how would you feel about this woman and the decision to end the marriage?
Whatever you are going through, good wisdom demands you tarry to enable you think clearly of your options.
There is no one that is perfect. We all come with defective manuals from God. Marriage provides us with the support base to be near perfect. Couples are supposed to learn from each other. You are to help this woman overcome her weakness just as she is supposed to help you overcome yours.
Going back to your starting point would help both of you, especially you recall the important things in your union. She couldn’t have been this bad when you started out with her. If she has become absolutely bad, pause to ask yourself your own contributions to her present state of the mind.
Knowing where you went wrong would help point you at the solution. It would assist you to understand how much support you must give her to get the kind of results you need to be happy with her.
I say this because you aren’t sure what kind of woman you are going to meet after her. What if she turns out to be worse than this one you are leaving?
Even if she is ungodly like you say, there is nothing prayers cannot do. If you really trust in your God, these habits are things you can really pray out of her life. A lot of times we fight over things that can easily be resolved through prayers.
If you made a mistake marrying without first asking God, don’t make another one by leaving her without first seeking the face of God. It is very important to avoid huge regrets in your life later in life.
Good luck.