My family insists on court marriage

By Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
I have been in a relationship for five years and very much in love with the man in my life. We have a very good relationship. We are close and he is very supportive.
Because he had been married before and has children, it took a while for my family members to give their blessings to the union. His ex has since remarried and lives outside the country. We finally performed our introduction ceremony last year. My people want him to take me to Registry but he says it is not for my family to lord it on him and that the decision to marry is between the two of us.
He is only prepared to go through the native law and custom ceremony and after that go to church for blessing but my family members are scared of me doing native law and custom and then going to church later.
They are of the opinion that he won’t do the church wedding. I finally prevailed on my people to let sleeping dogs lie. But I do not understand what is going on anymore. I’ve told him to come and see my dad so we can fix a date and move on, but he seems to
be in no hurry again, he hardly visits nor has time for me. He sometimes does not call and yet claims there is no problem that I am the one wasting time. He says we should have been living together by now but allowed my family to ridicule him and his family members by giving them ultimatum to go to court within two weeks of our introduction. He is also very angry that none of my family members saw him and his family off when they were leaving our house.
He has changed; each day he says he is coming to see my daddy but won’t come. I am so confused and wondering where to start from at 40. I close late from work and hardly have the avenue to socialise, people at my place of work even think I am married.
What do I do now as he keeps saying as far as he is concerned we are married and there is no problem? Yet time is going and I am tired of being single. I truly have been so attached to him and I haven’t met another person that I like. Please help.
Confused Lady.

Dear Confused Lady,
At 40, you ought to know better than allow your family members too much interference in your affairs. You are no longer a child in need of protection neither are you too young not to know what you are going into.
You are already at the junction of reality and realistic choices. If you don’t know what you want by now when will you?
Your man is right; marriage is an agreement between two persons. You and your man should have agreed on a common ground before going to your family with your wedding plans. And if both of you had already agreed on it, it was wrong for your family to insist on something else. You should have been more firm and equivocal on what you want.
If his attitude has changed, it is because he is beginning to have second thoughts on the kind of influence your family has over you. The cold reception he was given by your family is enough to question the kind of support he would get from them when he marries you as well as your own ability to withstand their interest whenever it conflicts with his.
In his shoes, chances are you will also get scared if he is unable to stand up for you in the presence of his family members. Irrespective of what your family felt, you should have escorted him and his family when they were leaving. They may be strangers to other members of your family but by virtue of their intentions to marry you, they have become yours. A wise woman must learn from the very beginning of her relationship to play the politics of balance between her family and her in-laws.
Don’t lose sight of the fact that he has every reason to be wary of entering into another marriage that has the hues of problems. He has already gone through a terrible marriage enough for his ex to have re-married. It takes a lot for someone who has gone through a terrible experience to want to do it again. Like snail recoils at the sight of trouble, he is bound to be frightened by the seemingly hostility of your family. It couldn’t have been pleasant for him to have been so rejected by them all. His family members too are bound to ask him questions too, concerning the workability of such a union. It would be emotionally suicidal for him to go into another union with a woman he isn’t sure of.
Unlike a single man who hasn’t the kind of history he has, he must be careful not to give the world the impression that he is the one with the problem especially as his ex is already re-married.
Don’t also forget that he has the interest of his children too to factor into this marriage. If you are unable to make up your mind about the kind of wedding ceremonies you want, what assurances does he have your family won’t tell you how to treat his children?
If he is refusing to come to your father, it is because he isn’t too sure how he feels about the whole thing anymore. He may truly care about you, but isn’t too sure of what he is going into. He needs to rethink and ask himself some vital questions concerning the workability of marrying a woman who appears not to have a mind of her own.
Had you tried to find out from him what he went through in his first marriage, you would have known how to approach the matter.
Like he asked, what do you want? The issue here isn’t whether he marries you in the Registry or not, but simply that of trust. Do you trust him? Why is your family insisting on the Registry? Has it to do with the fact that if anything happens to him, you can claim his property? Has it to do with the fact that he has children from his previous marriage and marrying you at the Registry would give you power and say over his property? These are the questions that would naturally occur to him with the ultimatum being given to him by your family.
Frankly, if you want him, you have to do more than telling him your father wants to see him. He has to be given fresh reasons by you why he should go ahead with marriage plans. To do this right, you also have to ask yourself what you want from him and marriage. One thing is for someone to desire something another thing is for the person to know what to do with it. You may want to get married simply because others are doing it as well as the fact that age isn’t on your side but deep down is this what you really want? It may sound a very silly question but unless you want this marriage and this man very desperately, you won’t know how to fight for your freedom from your parents.
If at 40, you are still being treated like a young inexperienced girl by your family, then something is very wrong somewhere and until you are aware of its source you may never get out of it.
Everyday, you stay on the market shelf; your chances of getting the perfect man depletes so are the kind of choices you can insist on. While a younger girl in her 20s can afford to make all the demands you are now making, you don’t have that many choices.
Marriage is sacrifice. Any man or woman who isn’t ready to make sacrifices for his or her marriage isn’t ready for the journey.
And come to think of it, do you know what demands the next man would make of you?
Even if you have any reservations about his stance, it is always best to dialogue with your man instead of exposing him to your family or outsiders.
Marriage is premised on the feelings and interests of two persons, not the majority.
He needs you to assure him he isn’t about making another mistake before he can have the confidence to come to your family. I am sure once you go to him to talk and discuss his fears, things would change positively between the two of you.
Good luck.