Won’t air ticket to visit him sound too pushy?

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,

I keep wondering how you sit everyday to reply all the numerous mails you get. You are really doing an amazing work. I wish I could do this too. The lord will continue to strengthen you.
I met this guy online a year ago. He is 38 years of age, while I am 26. We are always chatting, and he is always calling me.
He recently promised to visit me in my base here in the United States, but only for him after a while to say he wouldn’t be able to come due to work pressure.
But I am thinking of asking him to buy me a ticket to visit him instead.
This is why I am writing to you. Do you think he would think I am too pushy? Agatha, I truly love this guy and would love to spend the rest of my life with him. He calls me everyday to declare his love for me, but I don’t know if he means it. He told me he wants us to get married next year, but I don’t know his family he doesn’t mine.
How can we be talking about marriage in that condition? Besides, I don’t know if he is real or mean what he tells me.
I am of the opinion that if he really loves me, he should trust me enough to buy me a ticket to come and see him.
I don’t want to lose this guy. I don’t want to stay in this country (USA) fooling myself that I have a man in Nigeria that everything is well between us. I want to know what my man looks like, know if he is married or not and if he is serious about me.
I am very confused.
Joycelyn

Dear Joycelyn,
You are right to be apprehensive about this arrangement. There is no way you can be discussing marriage with an abstract person, someone you know next to nothing about beyond what he tells you. Someone you have only met through phone, who only calls when he is at his best or you call when you are at your best.
How can you live with an image of each other which deep in your hearts you know isn’t real?
Using yourself as an example of the deceit we all put into telephone and internet conversation, do you think you are getting the worst of him or he getting that side of you that you both know is very ugly – one you keep in the darkest part of your cupboard which only very close people know about?
It is only logical that when we are striving for something like a relationship with the person we desperately want, we always put our best foot forward. There is no way you would show him especially through telephone conversation that side of you that might make him run away. He too would be careful not to tell you things or give you any inkling of things in his character that would make you put a distance between the two of you.
In marriage, the best side of a couple is usually not what sustains a relationship but the ability of the couple to manage the worst side of each other.
A lot is involved in making marriage work. Don’t forget marriage is about two completely different persons with dissimilar cultures, values, perceptions and family orientation coming together under one roof to form a home. Though they may really love each other but usually the dynamism of these inherent individual struggles most times put a big damper on things and a couple whose understanding of each other is very limited may find these discrepancies daunting and insurmountable.
Marriage is not all about laughs and happy endings. It is a twine of the bad, ugly and good. Before it can be called marriage it has to undergo pains, sacrifices, tolerance, patience, understanding, stressful moments and a lot of other hard work to be perfect.
If you don’t know what makes him laugh to be able to laugh with him when you really feel like crying or he doesn’t know what to say to get you out of a nasty mood, such a relationship risks going into extinction.
Quality trust too goes into making it work. With some many doubts swimming in your mind, further fuelled by the distance and the circumstances under which you met and still striving, the two of you must do something dramatic to give a foundation to the relationship.
These are things you don’t get to know through telephone conversations or emails. You both need to give yourselves physical time to develop as a couple.
By this, I am not implying sex but evolving a friendship that would frighten whatever challenges your different natures might bring into the relationship.
You need to know for instance what degree his real temperament is, just like he must also know about your attitude to things.
Marriage is more serious than two people talking over the phone everyday. If there is anyway you can afford the trip to and fro Nigeria, don’t ask him for money. Simply tell him you would like to come and visit your family here in Nigeria.
Asking him for money would probably frighten him off you especially if he has something to hide. He may also come up with an excuse on why he is unable to send the money. There are a lot of seemingly genuine excuses to give at any given time to deter from a true intention.
If your heart is really in this man, finding the money to pay your way would not be so difficult because when the hearts seeks something special, it doesn’t mind the cost and inconveniences that come with such desire.
Besides, it would give you the much-needed opportunity to find out the nagging issues bothering you.
If at 38 he remains unmarried your visit would unearth the real reason.
It would also help both of you build into the relationship the much needed trust to move beyond the point you are in now. This is because you would not just be helping yourself solve the puzzles you feel but him as well.
Granted, he may be truly busy, but it is still wise for both of you to formally meet after one year of dating through the Internet.
However, if you are not completely in a position to pay your full ticket to and fro Nigeria, let him know of your desire to come as well as your inability to completely fund your way. Without you asking, if he is really in love with you and curious to meet the woman he desires to marry, he would offer to share the fare with you.
But don’t ask if he doesn’t make the offer. Curiosity is part of love. He too should naturally be anxious to see and meet the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
As a matter of fact, you should be the only one who is inquisitive about knowing how your future partner looks and thinks.
However, you can know if you put your mind to it if he is hiding something from you by observing the particular time he calls you. If his calls are timed to fit a particular time, change it by calling him at a time when he should be at home sleeping.
If you haven’t asked before, demand to know why he is still single at 38. Listen to what he is not telling you rather than what he is telling you.
Allow sometime to pass before asking him again some patent questions about his true marital status. Take note of any inconsistency in his story.
A lot of time we ignore obvious signs because we have convinced ourselves to believe otherwise. Are you sure deep inside of you, you don’t already know the answers to the questions now bothering you?
This is the time for absolute honesty on your part to avoid a costly future mistake.
Good luck.