Guess she thinks I’m a gullible guy

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
There is this girl I really wish to marry. We started dating eight months ago. However, much as I love her there are certain flaws I have noticed in her character.
One of the flaws is her inability to take a firm decision on issues. For instance, unless she has the express permission of her aunty she is staying with she would refuse to do anything or take a decision.
It is so painful that even matters I consider to be confidential between us she shares with her aunty and does only what the aunty tells her to do about the matter.
Agatha, I am afraid that this attitude of hers can cause problems in future between us.
Another thing is while she enjoys confiding in her aunty, she doesn’t tell me anything and unless I accidentally find out and confront her with it, she won’t tell me a thing.
Naturally, this raises the issue of the quality of her feelings towards me. I think she doesn’t love me the way I love her.
It is painful because not only have I proposed to her but have refrained from any other relationship since I started dating her. Furthermore, I have shown her respect by telling her I won’t have sex with her until our wedding night especially as she claims to be a virgin.
But if her conduct is anything to go by, I am beginning to doubt this claim as she keeps receiving calls from different men every hour of the day.
I honestly don’t know what to make of this.
Agatha, in view of all these, do you think she is telling the truth about being a virgin or is she just playing me for a fool? How do I know if she is telling the truth and if she is the right woman for me?
Festus.

Dear Festus,
Trust is fundamental to the success of a relationship. That she gets calls from different men often doesn’t make her a liar. Don’t forget, she is still single. Hence, considered a free woman by all these men who also want her as much as you do.
She is at that age, when a woman is at her best, when it seems all the men in the world are magnetised by her beauty and scent. It is something she cannot help or prevent. It is a process everywoman goes through. These men would keep calling her, demanding for her attention and desiring her for a wife – whether she encourages them men or not. This is simply her prime when she is the most sought after flower in the garden. Just like you cannot prevent the pollination of flowers by the bees, so also you cannot prevent the thirst of men for a woman in her prime.
To distrust her on account of this would be most unfair. She cannot prevent the calls. Yes, you have the right to be angry over her liberally giving out her number to these men, but don’t use it as a benchmark to judge her loyalty to you.
The best thing you can do is to call her and let her know how you feel about the numerous male calls she regularly receives. Let her know precisely how you feel and the impressions these calls give you of her.
There is no way she would know, guess at your pains and despair if you don’t tell her. Don’t forget both of you grew up in different homes, under different morals, cultural and family beliefs. What may look right to you may be wrong where she is concerned. The period of a relationship is to help both parties fuse their differences; accommodate those things they cannot change and plan for their tomorrows.
Pointing out your discomfort with the calls she receives would help moderate her responses to these calls but you should also be careful over your attitude else it would drive her into keeping secrets from you. The best way to pass across your message is not to give her a fiat. If you do that you would simply be pushing her to be on the defensive, which may drive her away from you. Nobody likes to be put on the spot so be careful how you pass across your unease at the number of male admirers she has.
Merely teasing her about it is enough to convey your thoughts on the matter to her and would be most effective than any quarrel or orders you may give.
Knowing if she is telling the truth or not, would depend on what you place on the front burner. Her character would become apparent to you if you place the right values before you. For instance, if you base everything on her physical appearances, neglecting her moral values as well as those things she holds important, you may never get to know who she is.
Look beyond what she tells you and focus on her character as a person. Examine what she says and does. Is there a lot of difference? In the spirit of relationship building, point out any difference you observe between what she says and does or things you don’t understand.
This would not only give you a broader view into her person but enable you judge her fairly.
Many a time, we make the costly mistake of judging others from the premise of our own inadequacies as a person. We all come with patent faults and unless we allow ourselves to be corrected of those faults, we cannot change others around us. To know if this lady is telling the truth, examine yourself for lies and half-truths you have also told her. What are you hiding from her? What are those things you are not telling her? Clear your wardrobe first of any cobwebs before attempting to examine hers. You must learn first to trust yourself before you can trust in another person.
Good luck.