Dear Agatha,
God will bless all that you are doing through your columns.
I met him almost at the time my sister whom I was staying with died in 2003. He promised me marriage, but after the burial of my sister, my mother and I travelled to the village and I lost contact with the man.
But somehow, he managed to trace our house in Lagos and told my family the day he came of his intentions to sponsor my education as well care for me. I was naturally happy that God has finally sent a helpmate to me because I desired to go further on my study, but no money to turn my dream to reality.
So I left to live with him. After some months, I discovered I was pregnant. He asked me not to abort it so I agreed. I gave birth to a son. After the birth of our son, I asked what would happen to my plans to further my study; he promised to work towards it. One day, he came home with a polytechnic form. I was happy at the development. I got admitted into the school and started to attend lectures. However my dream of a good education disintegrated when I asked him for money to pay my school fees. He simply told me he lacked idea of what I was saying. Left with no choice, I had to stop attending lectures.
When it appeared as if I would never fulfill my dream of a better tomorrow, I demanded to know why he didn’t want to pay my fees. He told me that before he can invest in my education, I would have to agree to give him another child. I declined the condition he attached to it and cried to God that night. Not too long after this, someone from the village came to inform me of my mother’s state of health. I eventually lost my mother and I blame him for this.
From that point, he became cruel to me, started maltreating me. He sees me as nobody all because we are not from the same State. I am planning to leave him at the end of this year when our last child would be a year old. From the much I have observed about him, our relationship isn’t leading anywhere. Considering my purpose on earth, I would be wasting further time staying with him. We don’t discuss issues together as two people living together under the same roof. We don’t have plans for the future together. Do you know Agatha that he built a house without informing me? I work for him; he has never paid me a time for my services. He accuses me of not liking his family members. Please I need your urgent assistance.
I have seen different messages sent by different ladies he met online to his phone and when I confront him on these messages, he would deny knowing any of the ladies. But I saw the details of the money sent him by one of these ladies on his phone.
What do I do?
Esther.
Dear Esther,
Don’t replace one mistake with another mistake. The worst mistake that can happen to you now is to be left high and dry by your own children at the time you would need them the most. You cannot afford to be hasty in taking a conclusive decision on this matter because children are involved. It has transcended the two of you to include the future of those innocent children you both brought into the world. As their mother, you owe these children your time, future and interest. Unlike a single woman who can afford to take her leave of a relationship that is not working for her, you cannot do the same thing because what you have is as good as marriage. You owe those children so much. There is no sacrifice that is too much for you to make for these children. It is your first call as a mother. I say this because you don’t have any means of livelihood and it isn’t a tea party caring for children especially in today’s highly competitive world where education has become a must for every child.
If you take them away from him, do you have the ability to take good care of them? This journey you are about to embark on requires you to premise everything about the children on your income because along the road, their father may not be forthcoming in money for their upkeep especially if another woman comes into his life. It is always a different ball game for most men when their children are not living with them. You will have to provide much more for them even if he is alive to his responsibilities. No matter how generous he could be, you must have enough money of your own to cushion the shortfalls that are bound to arise. Do you have that kind of money? Do you have the emotional strength to devote on your own to caring solely for these children all alone?
Would you be able to cope without the attention of another man in your life? The attention of another man would definitely affect the quality of time and interest you have in your children. These are not things one plans for but they just happen and if care is not taken you risk losing the respect and cooperation of the children. Therefore, you must think of that time now. Factor it into your plans to leave the father of your children.
And if you are planning on leaving the children behind, whom do you plan to leave them with? The man you claim has no time for you? Whose interest is shadowed by different women?
The truth of life is that there is no perfect situation. What we have is a perfect will to make it work at all cost. There is no point blaming this man for a situation your family helped in creating. They should have insisted he paid your bride price before leaving for his house. To have allowed you leave for his house without performing any formal ceremony on you didn’t exactly do you any honour where this man is concerned.
Deep down he feels that you agreed to his proposal because he promised to send you to school. And to be very frank, in his shoes how would you feel if this man considered you based on what he can get from you? Would you in all honesty have considered him as father to your children, if he didn’t promise to send you to school? Would your parents have been so generous to have allowed you go and live with him if he didn’t make you this promise?
As long as your stay with him is violent free, all the things you complained of are normal issues you can manage with time. But you must have to completely forgive and forget his broken promise to you. Some of the major issues in your marriage have to do with resentment on both sides. You are suppressing anger at the way he deceived you and your parents into thinking he has the answer to your family economic problem and has made up your mind never to forgive him for shattering your dreams of getting a good education.
He, on the other hand, cannot forgive the reason you advertised for agreeing to come and be part of his life. You have to forgive him for duping you of your body and life while he has to let go his conclusions about you that you are a gold digger.
The presence in your relationship of these children has made it very important that you leave all these hurtful memories behind. There is so much more of joy and happiness in your marriage if you both learn to trust and belief in what you have going.
You must appreciate that there is nothing happening to us that God isn’t aware of. Forget all the other women in his life; they are distraction. He wont be the first man to have other relationships outside his home neither would he be the last. When things come to this point, a sensible woman should apply the practical solution. If you leave, another woman would take over your home and all the efforts you have put into his life and home would have been in vain. You are the woman in the house and the mother of his children hence has an advantage the other women don’t have. If you still want to go to school, you can but ensure your home is intact for you to have the peace of mind to pursue your education in peace.
At this junction use the woman in you to get him to listen. Apply wisdom, humility, respect, trust, and selflessness into your marriage. Always be there for him. Even if he doesn’t tell you anything concerning his day at work, ask him about his day and tell him about yours. If you are patient and persistent in your resolve to keep your man, you will at the end of the day succeed.
Good luck.
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