Greed to go abroad turns me his sex machine

Dear Agatha, 
I am a regular reader of your column and always impressed with your submissions. I have a problem and need your help.

I’m a 23-year-old staff nurse and dating a 29-year-old guy. Our relationship started in January. Being the first child in a family of seven and following the economic degradation, it the whole responsibility of the family fell on me. My parents tried to see me through the School of Nursing but couldn’t complete the task due to the demands of my siblings.  

Everyone was expecting me to get a good job and marry a rich man in other to help my family.
I’m a staunch Catholic by birth while my boyfriend is of the Cherubim and Seraphim religious denomination. That was where I began to have problem with the relationship.

He loved me enough to agree to sexless relationship with me. Although unemployed, he promised to marry me as soon as he got a job. He is a graduate. If there is a quality I find outstanding about him is his optimism.  He even promised to become a catholic because of me. He is from a good home and behaves responsibly. I love him, but because he has no job yet as well as his religious denomination, I didn’t take him serious.
Our relationship was all good till March when this other guy I met through the sister and lives in South Africa proposed to me over the phone. He’s from a catholic family and told me that he’s working and schooling over there as well. I told my parents about him and they accepted him thinking that their prayers have been answered. I’ve also dreamt of going overseas where my profession will be useful to my family and me. I thought I was in cloud nine then. My constant interaction with this guy on the phone projects him as being responsible.  

We exchanged pictures over the internet and he looked good. He was such in a hurry to pay my bride price but I insisted that he should come back to Nigeria so that we could meet and get to know each other more. To be frank, I called this guy over the phone more than he calls me and I thought it was right.
I kept all these away from my boyfriend. I planned my new relationship as a surprise for me. And I also denied having a relationship when asked by the guy in South Africa.  

Little did I know that the South African man had a skeleton his cupboard? He came to marry me for the wrong reason because am a nurse, while I accepted his proposal owing to my desire to travel out. I knew very well that I love my first guy more than him but I ignored this salient fact.  However, I started noticing this man from South Africa was not the person I thought he was when he pressured me to have an unprotected sex with him the first time I met him at his parents’ house.

I know it was totally against my principle but I allowed it, not minding the implication of what I was doing with him because I believed he is the man for me. I thought maybe after marrying me he would take me abroad.
My instincts failed me as he later turned me into a sex slave each time I am with him. Within me, it has never been my intention to sleep with him but I was blindfolded by the promise of travelling abroad. I later dragged him to see my parents formally. They accepted him because he behaved and talked like a saint in their presence. He promised to come back to see my parents again but he never did. The worst of it all is that this guy never spent any kobo or gave me money for once. I was the one spending my hard earned slim salary on him. I always force him to come and see me in my workplace and he came only once.
Soon my first guy started having this terrible feeling that something is wrong because I always ignore his calls each time I’m with the other guy. I was really feeling sorry and guilty at the way I was cheating on my first boyfriend but I kept ignoring my feelings of guilt. 

I later discovered that this other guy doesn’t love me at all but was only using me to satisfy his sexual urges all in the name of marriage. 

I couldn’t tolerate it any longer. I had to tell him about my relationship with the first guy. I challenged him that he was only using me as a sex slave. Before this, I noticed he was reluctant to come and see my parents again. Each time I reminded him of his promise to see them, he would become irritated and annoyed for no obvious reasons. I also discovered he was having other relationships. The last straw that broke the camel’s back was that he was dating my colleagues. 

I ran mad and went into psychological trauma for giving my virginity and body to the wrong guy. 
I couldn’t bear the pains any longer and I had to tell my first guy all that happened. He was shocked and cried bitterly. It was painful for both of us. I thought the best thing was to break up with him and pick up the pieces of my life again, but he refused to let me go. Despite my unfaithfulness, I swore never to have sex with him but he persisted. I later had sex with him because he told me that it’s the only way he can forget all that happened. I knew he wasn’t himself because he did not intentionally have sex with me but my infidelity dragged him to the wall. He later apologised and promised not to have sex with me until we’re married. He told me that he wants our relationship back to its normal state. From his actions lately, I know that he still love me but I always feel guilty. 

He has also been helpful in making me forget all that I went through. I have since forgotten about the South African man. I know that he will meet his nemesis.
Tell me, do I still wait for this guy who loves me after everything considering my family responsibilities or should I choose carefully from the suitors who are still seeking my hand in marriage? I knew my parents won’t accept him because of his denomination and joblessness but I think this guy really loves me. He has done what most guys will never tolerate. He keeps on telling me that love does not keep record of wrongs. I pray and believe that God will certainly give him the best of jobs.
Ozy.

Dear Ozy, 

True love doesn’t keep records of any wrong. Rather, it looks the other way when hurting. You have really been unfair to this guy who from what you have said really cares about you. He is not just a man who loves you but also one who is your true friend. Only a man who is a friend to the woman in his life would forgive easily what you did to him.

However the issue at hand now is more than you both being together, it has to do with what you really want from life. To prevent you hurting him again, you must be very clear on what you want from life and him.

Before you both go too far, there is the need for you to first of all clear the challenge your different denominations would throw up. Do you have the capacity and ability to withstand the avalanche of protests that would come from your parents knowing you are going outside the Catholic Church to marry, not just someone from another church but a white garment one? It is not enough for him to promise you he would change for your sake but a matter of reality. The tradition is for the woman to change to her husband’s church and not the man changing to the woman’s church. To pretend he would to appease you and your parents would be expecting too much, hence the need for you to properly resolve the issue within yourself before moving too deep into it.

You must be sure your love for this man can stand the test of time. He has proven his love for you by forgiving you of an offence many men would never have forgiven you. Look deep into your heart and be very frank with yourself, can you look at your parents’ straight in the eyes and tell them you don’t care about your denomination? Would he be able to rely on your love when your parents reject you on account of the church he attends as well his lack of job?

If you really want to make this man happy, forget whatever anybody says and listen to that inner voice right inside of you. What is the voice saying about him and his kind of person? Relationship and marriage go beyond having money and attending the same church. It is a combination of who you both are, your individual values, the kind of sacrifices you can willingly make for the other person to be happy and responsibilities you can each carry.  Be honest about what you want and let him know. It won’t be fair on this man if you again lead him on, only to drop him for reasons you should have tackled from the beginning. 

As for the other man, he isn’t to blame for anything. You caused what happened to you out of greed. No matter the temptations you were facing at home, it wasn’t enough reason for you to trade your body, conscience and dignity for money. You kept enduring his dehumanising treatment of your mind and body because you were greedy. The offer of marriage wasn’t enough for you to do what you did. 

All you need in life to succeed as a woman is to be focused. Once you have that, no man would ever be able to take undue advantage of you or be pressured into anything. 

Good luck.