My UK boyfriend starves me of gifts

Dear Agatha,

Before I begin my story, I want you to know that I would do precisely what you tell me to do. I am 26 years old and graduated in December last year. My boyfriend is currently in the United Kingdom (UK) for his Master degree programme. Before he left for UK he asked me out but I declined because I was into another relationship then. 

By the time he left we had nothing going between the two of us. We only started dating eight months ago when he found out that my other relationship had collapsed. He called me to renew his interest in me. After a while I accepted to date him. 

But my problem is that he hasn’t been forthcoming with gifts or money. He doesn’t care how I fend for myself at all. I also noticed that he doesn’t call me as often as he did and when he calls he is so aloof on the phone. 

Agatha, I am asking for your help because I don’t subscribe to double dating. He is the only man in my life and sincerely I can’t be categorical about my feelings for hm. Sometimes he stays for more than two weeks without calling me. And when he calls he complains of hardship over there. Recently, he called one of his cousins to take me to his village to meet with his uncles and grandma. Please what should I do because a lot of men are asking me out? I am currently so confused. Should I quit and start something else with another man?  

Mary.

Dear Mary, 

Your boyfriend isn’t the problem here. You are! From the tone of your e-mail, you don’t really care about him but are more interested in the fact that he is abroad and the money you assume he has gone there to pick on the streets of that country to send to you.

If you want to end the relationship don’t look for excuses, rather be bold enough to admit to where your interest really is. If you love him, you would understand that he is a student and that money doesn’t grow from trees in these countries; that things are just as difficult as they are in Nigeria, if not more difficult out there. If nothing, you at least have the familiarity as well as comfort of family and friends; he doesn’t have that at all. For him, it is a lonely and very cold world out there. If he went as a student, he isn’t officially permitted to work. If he is working, it won’t be with the knowledge of the authority and even at then, the remunerations won’t be anything to write home about. 

In addition those countries are going through crunching economic situations too which means the limited jobs available cannot go round even their own people, let alone foreigners. Sending things and money to you isn’t automatic at all. You must learn from this early moment to begin to make the necessary sacrifices for both of you because life comes in different phases. 

To reap from this man, you must be ready to plant. He needs peace of mind from you to concentrate on what he has gone there to do and get good results. If he isn’t calling you as often as you expect, bear in mind that he has tests and examinations to write. He is spending a lot of money on his education and upkeep. What he needs from you now is encouragement. Asking his cousin to take you to see his family shows that he wants you in his life and that thoughts of you are on his mind. What he doesn’t have now is the free cash to give you. Appreciate the lithe he has to offer you, which is more than most men can give. Don’t torture this man emotionally if you don’t want him. Your concern should be to find out from him how he is coping and the challenges he is facing out there. 

It would have been a different case, if he was lavishing money and gifts on his family members and ignores you or stopping you from meeting with his people. 

Before you make up your mind on what to do with him, first ask yourself some compulsory questions. In my experiences, it is only when we don’t want a particular person to share our space that we begin to dig up issues that are unimportant. Make up your mind about this man. What do you want from him? Material gains or emotional satisfaction? Call him only when you are sure of what you want and are comfortable with what he has to offer you, to discuss areas you are still not clear about with him. Dialogue offers you both a platform to iron out grey areas and to also plan. Chances are he stopped calling you as frequently as he was doing initially in reactions to your attitude towards him on the phone. He may have sensed your resentment from the tone of your voice.

Relationship is a continuous process of blending and building. Nobody ever gets it right even till the end. You have to be firm and determined to make it work at all home. This is the only way you can protect yourself from negative peer and family pressures. 

If you love this man, give him a chance to build his life at the age he has more than enough strength to achieve the best of results. For now leaving him for other men isn’t the panacea as a matter of fact, it often doesn’t work because every relationship has its sets of challenges. 

Good luck.