I Want To Marry A Married Man

Dear Agatha, 

I am 25 years old and ripe enough for marriage. I have always prayed for a good, lovely, God fearing and caring husband, a man who will love me unconditionally. My mother had always warned me against getting involved with another woman’s husband. As a matter of fact, she said it was the only way my prayers would be answered. 

Some months after my discussion with my mother, I came across this guy who is caring, loving and handsome, though he is not rich, he is okay and has a future. I won’t say he is God fearing because I later discovered he has a wife. 

I only got to know about the wife when she called me to warn me to stay away from her man. I was confused because he never mentioned having a wife and child. When I asked him, he at first denied but later admitted when he realized that I was determined at getting to the bottom of the matter. It was at that point he told me about the lack of peace in his home; that the woman pretended to be good until they got married. 

I feel for that woman but I happen to be in love with this guy who is the first real love of my life. As a matter of fact, he deflowered me.

Agatha, even though I made a vow not to marry a married man, this man is desperate to marry another woman, which means, if I decline, he would still marry another woman. If he marries another woman, his wife would suffer.  

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady, 

The position you have found yourself in is very unfortunate. In the first place this man lacks the credentials to be truthful to any woman. That he is having issues with his wife isn’t a good enough reason for him to lie to you about his marital status. If he can deceive you into dating him and giving him the pride of your womanhood, he is also capable of lying about the nature of his wife. 

At any rate, when did engaging in an affair become the panacea to troubled marriages? It has never been and will never be a solution. Rather, it only complicates the entire situation just like he has created complications for you in your own life as well as in his own marriage. Who would be happy knowing that her man is cheating on her? Not many women have the tolerance to accommodate and deal with the knowledge of their husband’s infidelity. It takes a special kind of grace for a woman not to react with violence. 

Had he told you the truth from the beginning, you would have at least known what you were going into but his lies forced you into a situation you ordinarily wouldn’t have been involved in. This could also be the situation with the wife at home. While it is true some women do overdo things at times but given the little knowledge you have of this man, he appears to be looking for an excuse to mask his behaviour. 

Honestly, there is nothing you can do to help someone who is unwilling to own up to the truth about himself. First, he must be sincere in telling you what the real issues are with his marriage instead of heaping all the blame on his wife. What are his contributions to the current behaviour of his wife? How did they both get to this point? Has she always been like that? Are you his first extramarital affair? What sort of husband and father is he?

If he is irresponsible and dishonest, there is no way his wife will not complain or make trouble at home. It would be unnatural for her to keep quiet if her husband is failing in his responsibilities at home? In her shoes, you and I would probably do the same thing. If this is what he classifies as being the fault of his wife, then he isn’t being fair to her. What story would you be telling if he had gotten you pregnant the first time he slept with you? How would he have expected you to behave when the truth about his marital status came in the open? Applaud him and celebrate the lies he told you? Would he be right to call you a nag and a problem to him? There is something he must have done to make his home uncomfortable; that is if he is telling the truth.

At any rate, if he is tired of the marriage, he should be bold enough to say so and begin the process of ending it. It is the least he can do; not migrate from one woman to the other simply because he is looking for a reason to hurt the wife the way he thinks the wife has hurt him. 

What if the new woman turns out to be worse than his current wife, would he also leave her in limbo and go for another woman?

If you really want to stay around this man to help him focus more on his wife and marriage, you must ensure you stifle every emotional feeling you have for him. Dating him when you didn’t know he has a family is one thing, sleeping with him now that you know would be totally wrong and unfair to this woman you say you want to help.

Even if he is determined to end the marriage, resist being used as a tool to achieve his aim. By letting him know what your new position is to the relationship, you set the records straight as well as define what your new position would be in his life – that of a concerned friend determined to help him find the happiness he is longing for in the arms of other women.

To do this, you must understand his nature. Get him to talk about his childhood and person. It is also pertinent you get him to talk about his relationship with his wife before and after marriage. This talk will give you an idea of what he thought then and now thinks of his wife. Encourage him to talk about the high points of their union as well as the low points. Also, it will help you to hear all about his regrets; what he misses most from his bachelor days. It is also necessary you know for how long they have been married and when things became unbearable for both of them.

Ask him what efforts he has made to positively change the situation of things in his home. 

His answers if truthful will help you in determining how best to intervene in their marriage. To do a good job, you must resist the urge to take sides with him as well as have an open mind about his wife. 

By learning to put yourself in her shoes, you will have a clear picture of what to say to her husband and the pressures to put on him to make him see reason with you. One question you must keep asking him is what he intends to do if the next woman turns out to be as, or even more, troublesome than his current wife. He has to be reminded that no situation or body is perfect and that perfection comes from a willingness and passion to accommodate.

No matter how unwholesome the situation in his family is, if he has the right attitude and believes in his marriage and the vows he took on the day he married that woman, he will do anything to make it work.

Also, there is the need for you to remind him of his responsibility to the innocent child. Even if he has an issue with the woman, what about that child, whose future would be affected by his decisions to play around with other women? 

However, having slept with this man, you must be careful not to compromise yourself again by avoiding situations where both of you are isolated. Whatever help you have to offer him must be done in the open where the presence of other people can moderate your feelings and urges. 

Good luck.