Dear Agatha,
I must say you are just good at what you do. I would like you to advise me on what to do. Im a 33-year old man who has been in a relationship with this particular lady for almost 10 years. We have not had sex, but sometimes we hug and kiss. I have refused to pressure her into sleeping with me and I really don’t mind.
I sometimes help her financially. But something tells me she isn’t taking me serious. I say this because she seldom keeps to whatever promise she makes. Most times, she would promise to come and visit me. I would end up waiting for her indefinitely and to make matters worse won’t even bother to call to explain her reasons for standing me up. It hurts so much as I must have given up my appointments for the day to wait for her. If I don’t call her, she won’t bother to call. All she does is to beep, and she does this if I also refuse to call her for a long time.
When we are together, I take her to places she likes, just to make her happy. Although she likes the good things of life, the fact that she endured hardship with me when I didn’t have is one of the reasons I have stayed with her for this long because her attitude is a huge minus.
Recently, my car tumbled three times luckily for me, I didn’t sustain any serious injury. When I called to tell her what had happened, she did not take it seriously, she thought I was joking and didn’t make any effort to see me despite living just 45 minutes drive away from where I live. She did not even call for over a month, then I stopped calling her. Sometimes she would beep, but I always ignore her prompting her to call, on a certain to inform me of her visit to my place on a day she claimed she called me but didn’t pick her call. I told her she was the problem we were having in the relationship. She decided not say anything about that.
There is this other lady I got to know when I attended a wedding. I will be honest with you that we talked for a while and exchanged numbers. Since then, she has been sending me beautiful messages, and frankly, I am beginning to fall in love with her. She calls me more often than I do. She has never asked me for a dime, but if I buy her a present she accepts. When I had the accident she was calling me two times a day to know how I was doing. I have known her for almost two years now, and have not seen a fault in her. I have limited myself to just hugs and kisses with her too. The only thing I have observed about her is that she is quiet, but does not want herself to be taken advantage of.
She is very definite about what she wants. Unlike the first girl who refuses to enter my kitchen and more interested in what she will take from my house, the second one cooks for me. Both of them are fun to be with, I can’t say if they have other men, because I don’t want to think about it, else feel bad.
I don’t play games and don’t keep more than one lady at a time, so what do you think I should do?
Brandom.
Dear Brandom,
If you don’t play games, then what are you doing with two women in your life? The fact that you aren’t bothered if any of them have other boyfriend shows that you are far from being honest with yourself and these women. If you are really into any of these women, you should care about their movements and relationship with other men. Your feelings for them should make you want to protect your territory. The fact that you claim not to care is an indication that there are so many missing pieces in your story. Precisely, what are the real issues?
That you are not sleeping with them doesn’t make you less guilty of double dating. The major rule of a relationship is faithfulness. For you to accuse your first girlfriend of any wrong doing, you must be free of any blame.
Frankly speaking, for you to be happy in the choice you have made, learn to be honest with yourself and the woman you end up with. If you dated the first woman for 10 years, without sleeping with her, she must understand your reasons at every interval and must be in agreement with you on it. Whatever your religious inclinations are, not asking her once for sex at the age of 33 would make most women wonder what the problem really is. If you are in the habit of kissing and hugging, the human nature especially of the man is wired to demand for sex at such close proximity. Often, it is the woman who fights off such advances. That you haven’t ever given her any reason to fight you off in the 10 years you have dated her might be one of the reasons she isn’t taking you serious, behaving indifferently to you.
Commendable as your decisions to stay celibate, for it to make sense and be appreciated by the person you are in a relationship with, your true reasons have to be placed face up on the table at all times. You also have to continuously ensure your partner is in agreement with your reasons to ensure harmony in the relationship.
When the woman you have dated for 10 years started misbehaving, giving you the impression that you are unserious with the whole purpose of the relationship, what did you do? Did you call her to find out what the problems are? Discussed your reasons for certain things you insist on as well as re-request her approval? The dynamism of change is such that we are constantly changing in our attitudes and thoughts.
If ten years ago, she agreed to dance your way, it doesn’t mean she would continue to dance to your tune a decade after. By now she should know where the relationship is headed for, something to tell her friends and family who naturally would be putting pressures on her to get serious.
Having invested 10 years of her life on you, she is entitled to the truth concerning your person and attitudes. If all she is getting from you are signs of being unserious, she would naturally assume you are playing with her emotions and taking her for a fool. The fact that at the initial stage of your relationship, she was willing to endure the period of lack with you shows she had faith in you, but could have been influenced to change along the line by the signals she was getting from you.
For her not to have come to see you after your accident underscore the presence of a more fundamental issue than you think. Ten years isn’t ten days. It is either she has completely lost interest in you and the relationship or protest against something you also did to her. It is very important you find out what her reasons are. It could also be she found out that you have been cheating on her.
Granted, she may not be a perfect person, but exonerate yourself from all these by calling her for a heart to heart talk. Going out with the other girl isn’t a solution to whatever issues you and your first girlfriend had.
So sit her down and dialogue with her. Let her know your challenges and she yours. If you have made up your mind to end the relationship, at least tell her instead of leading her on, while you are keeping another relationship on the waiting. At this stage, it is essential you tell her everything you have against her, like her refusal to cook for you, call or even send you a text message.
If you both had been able to take advantage of the no-sex thing to build your relationship on solid values, you both should be able to talk openly about the challenges you are facing without disturbing the foundation of your relationship.
And if deep in your mind you know, moving on is the best thing for you, be forthright and let her know you have qualities she lacks in another woman. Make sure you end one relationship before going into another one to avoid the risk of losing the woman you may discover is the one woman who means the whole world to you.
To avoid the problem of your past, ensure you properly discuss the issue of your celibacy with your partner, get her understanding by ensuring she appreciates your reason for it.
It would also be very important she knows about your past, whether the decision to stay off sex came after some experiences or something you vowed to do from an early age. The woman in your life must from the beginning know the nature of the challenge is likely to face on her wedding night. You must also give her an idea of where the relationship is headed for to prevent the relationship going stale.
And unless you have a clear vision of where you are going to, you won’t be able to carry anybody along.
Good luck.
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