Won’t I be coming between mother and son?

Dear Agatha, 

I need your help. There is this man I have been dating for five months now. We are both in love with each other and he loves the things of God which is why I love him.

We are praying and planning to spend the rest of our lives together but the problem is, he dreamt two months ago that while he was introducing me to his mother, she rejected me but he didn’t tell me. 

Strangely, the mother oblivious of my presence in his life called her son to narrate a dream she had. It was similar to the one my boyfriend had. 

I’m confused. Should I quit the relationship to allow for peace between mother and son?

Precious.

Dear Precious,

The dream didn’t say, both of you cannot marry but only a warning that you may not enjoy the approval and support of your would be mother-in-law.

There is an adage that says, to be forewarned is to be forearmed against a situation. It means you should not feel bad or disappointment when she eschews your attempts at being friendly with her.

Sincerely, there is nothing strange in this dream. Most wives don’t enjoy the love and friendship of their mothers-in-law so ending the relationship on account of this dream is totally out of the question unless there is something other than the dreams you have just narrated. If most women were to base their decisions to marry their husbands on the reception given them by their mothers-in-law the first time their husbands brought them home, many women won’t be married today.

Chances are even the woman you want to run away from may not have married the father of your boyfriend, if she had factored the attitude of her mother-in-law into her decision to spend the rest of her life with her husband.

The hostility between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law didn’t start today. It goes way back hence wont stop with you ending this relationship. If women before you found a way round it, you will also find a way round yours provided your husband has the wisdom and maturity to handle his mother as well as the will to protect you from her.

If for nothing, consider the dream as a special grace from God, one that will help your husband to be from this early moment to be prepared for the challenges ahead.

As a matter of fact, he has the greater role to play in this matter. He has to know how to balance his role as son and husband respectively to both of you.

In most cases fundamental issues arise from the inability of the man to provide a protective shield for his wife against the tyranny of his mother. Sincerely this should be more of your concern that terminating the relationship if indeed you love and respect this man.

The dream came about because both of you have been praying and trusting God with your relationship and future. What God has done through the dream is to point you at the challenge you would have in the marriage. It isn’t just about her not supporting the union but also of her being the foundation of all the problems you are going to have in the marriage.

Therefore, you have to begin to pray the trouble out of your life and marriage. You and your boyfriend must also talk as frankly as possible about the challenges ahead. This is the time for you to dig deeper into his kind of person; to know if he is a mummy’s boy in which case you indeed have a reason to rethink your relationship with him or a man who has the kind of stamina to put his mother in her place.

There is no relationship without its challenges. As long as you and your man are united in this, you will win the battle as long as you refrain from being rude to her.

As one aspiring to be a mother-in-law one day, you must always show her deserving respect no matter how rude she becomes. There is no battle, love, patience and perseverance cannot subdue.

It will also do you a world of good to use your anticipated experience to prepare yourself on how to be a nice mother to your future daughter-in-law.

Every experience we go through in life is a lesson and teaching aid for those coming behind or others going through similar challenges. As a Christian, what I expected you to do is ask God for help on how to navigate your way through the landmine He showed your boyfriend without getting hurt.

In addition ending the relationship would make him regret telling you about it. Some men would keep such matters close to their hearts. Opening up to you is his way of preparing your mind for the journey ahead.

Besides, if you want to end the relationship on account of these dreams, you should at least first discuss it with him with a view of knowing how his mind is distilling and processing the information. In addition to asking for help from above, discussing with your boyfriend will also assist you with an insight into the workings of his mind regarding the issue.

Sincerely, if you are not satisfied with the situation after your discussions with him, you reserve the right to end the relationship but it shouldn’t be before you talk to him. That would be condemning him without giving him the right to defend himself from the verdict of guilt you have unfairly passed on him on account of the dream concerning the mother.

Also, you have to examine why you might have problems with her. Are you really the person you claim to be? Can a mother trust you with her son in terms of managing him to be accessible to members of his family who may want one or two favours from him? Also making him available to her to have a mother and son relationship without causing a quake in the home? The dream could very well be a warning to him that you might not make him a good wife hence his mother’s disapproval.

So if you are going to tackle this matter effectively, it requires a holistic approach because at times, we really don’t know what we are capable of doing until we are in situation.

Being religious isn’t the same thing as being obedient to the ways of God.

Honestly seek the face of God in this matter with your boyfriend to prevent future regrets or mistakes you don’t even know you are making.

One thing I know is this, if both of you are meant to be together, it will work no matter the seeming obstacle.

Good luck.

I want a real woman to love me

Dear Agatha,

I really need a woman of my own. I have been trying my best to find my own woman all for a long time but I can’t find any. I have a lot of hookup program but it is all the same. 

Could you please link me with a woman or any hookup program that you know that I can find a real woman?

 Please help me with this and I shall be very grateful.

Lonely Man.

Dear Lonely Man,

What do you mean by real woman? What makes the women you have been meeting unreal? What makes a woman real to you?

From what you have said, your problem isn’t a lack of opportunity to meet with women but that of choice.

To be honest, no woman would ever be able to please you until you answer the basic question of what kind of woman is good for you.

She might just be the girl next door or one out of the many women you have met already.

Many a time, we miss the point by setting goals far beyond our reach or focusing on mundane issues we should never have played up in the first place.

Take a retreat from all these programs and ask yourself what it takes to make you happy.

Your ideal woman is one, who irrespective of how she looks on the outside can reach deep into your soul to make you relax and smile at things you would ordinarily take exceptions to.

Once you are able to refocus on what is most important to you in life, your days of searching will be over.

Good luck.

How do I tell my mother I’m pregnant?

Dear Agatha,

Please help me out. I’m 22 years old and a 100 level student. My mother never trusted me from childhood. She never stopped warning me against pregnancy; am not wayward. I have this guy I have been dating for six years whom I love very much and who in turn loves me too. 

But we are not always together since we live in different towns. We have been on strike since July; this created time for us to be together and now I’m pregnant. he isn’t denying responsibility for the pregnancy and has promised to take care of us and to marry me.

My problem now is how to break the news to my mother at this stage of my life. 

But I don’t want this pregnancy to affect my education because I have just started.  

Although I don’t want to abort because I’ve never done it in my life, I am considering it now as an option. But I want to seek your help before I take the final decision. 

Becky.

Dear Becky,

Painfully, you have justified your mother’s fears and anxieties by getting pregnant at this crucial time of your life.

Most times what an adult sees sitting down, a child never gets to see even on the heighest peak of a mountain. You must have exhibited certain traits back in your youth to make her apprehensive about your conduct. It has nothing to do with moral laxity at times but in the way you ignore meaningful advice or through an act of persistence stubbornness or carelessness.

You got pregnant because you were careless. If it was difficult for you and your boyfriend to stay away from each other, common sense should have told you to use a protection. For a young girl who is at the crucial stage of her life, who has plans for the future, you took too much for granted when you decided to make love with your boyfriend without protecting yourself against pregnancy.

Since you are already pregnant there is nothing you can do but to accept the inevitable. Thank goodness, your boyfriend isn’t denying you which is really commendable and makes the issue less complicating to handle.

Good too you are in the university which means, if you have the strength, you can combine baby making with having a good education. There is no reason, for you to stop going to school as long as you can cope. The university isn’t a secondary school where you get kicked out for getting pregnant.

If you can endure the snide remarks of your friends and mates for the length of the time the pregnancy is visible, you have nothing to be overtly worried about.

Don’t even contemplate abortion. Anything from death to damaging or losing your womb can happen. Besides, this child maybe your only one so if you abort it, you may never be able to get pregnant again or have a child.

These are inexplicable things, only God Himself understands so; don’t play God with your life or that of that innocent child who by the way has as much right to live as you do.

Resist doing something that you will later regret in life. The very people you are trying to please today are the same people who will turn round in later years to blame you for not keeping the pregnancy if any consequence develops from your decision to abort this baby.

Having made up his mind to marry you, your boyfriend should start from his family by informing them of the pending child. They in turn will accompany him to see your mother. At that level, they would know what to do to and say to pacify her.

Even though it would not entirely erase her disappointment, it would however cut it by half.

But beyond your mother and fear of what she would say, do you love your boyfriend enough to want to spend the rest of your life with him? Are you going with his plans because you are pregnant or that you really love him enough to give him your entire life?

The greatest mistake a woman or man can ever make in life is to be forced into a marriage by circumstances such as you are in now into a marriage you didn’t bargain for. It would be easier to manage life with a child outside wedlock than to go into an ill-prepared for marriage.

A bad marriage can bury bright dreams except God steps in with His grace.

I say this, to help you take the right decision on the issue of marriage. It is commendable for him to think of that option but is it what you really want considering you already have an unplanned baby on the way.

Go into this marriage only if you are sure both of you won’t regret the hurried decision in later years. It is best to struggle with a little child now than live through a really bad marriage.

Good luck

Tell me how to approach her

Dear Agatha, 

How do I approach this woman who has all the qualities I want in a woman? I am 29 years of age. She lives opposite my house but due to our closeness, I don’t know how to approach her. 

Terfa.

Dear Terfa,

First you have to identify why you are hesitant in approaching this lady. Does she have better economic power than you or better education?

Once you are able to identify why your approaching her appear to be a burden, it makes going to her somehow easy.

Besides, everyman needs a measure of confidence to approach a woman for a relationship. Also, you must be clear on what you want from her. This is where a knowledge of the kind of person the woman is, is important.

For instance, while a man could get away telling one woman, I just love you: for another woman, it is the height of insult and insincerity. Even if it is love at first sight, a man should never tell a woman he is just meeting such things.

By now, you should know why you are so taken by this woman. Is it that you just want a feel of her body or that there is something compelling about her you want to explore, get to know with a view of sharing a future with her? Being honest to yourself will make it easier to convince her to be your woman. Most men get off on the wrong footing because they cannot even persuade themselves on why they want a particular woman in their lives.

Yours is made easier because you have known her for sometime. It is knowing what you want from her and telling her why your life will be dull without her to lighten it up.

Whatever it is you are telling her, please mean it. You don’t have to promise her marriage like most men are fond of doing in their quest to get a particular woman into their lives.

Be truthful to her. let her know that while you like her enough to desire her in your life, the future is what both of you must want sufficiently to negotiate.

Since you are practically neighbours, nicely ask her out to an eatery or any tourist site like a beach where both of you can be alone yet surrounded by other people who really don’t have business with the two of you.

This way, you would be protecting her from gossips that come from familiar people seeing a man and woman together; thus shielding her from unwanted pressures. It is also a way of building a memory bank that would kick start whatever it is you have in mind for her.

Once you are able to break the initial barrier of knowing what to say and how to present it, the rest will simply flow in.

At times too, fear of being rejected prevents most men from pursuing a particular relationship to its logical end. If this is the case, perish such fears. It is the prerogative of a woman to play tough, sometimes exhibit rudeness to the man who wants her heart. If your focus is on rejection, then you aren’t ready for the tough game of the heart.

Persistence is the name of the game so go for her.

Good luck.

I don’t want them but…

Dear Agatha,

 I am 26 years old, a graduate and currently waiting for my national youth service. I’ve been dating three girls from my village for more than three years now. I’m deeply in love with one of the girls whom I wish to marry. 

As for the other girls, even though I noticed they aren’t perfect for me, I’m still finding it difficult to let go of them.

The first girl, beautiful and a Christian, has no manner of approach. She argues a lot and very stubborn. Once she makes up her mind, nothing will make her change or bend. This is a problem on its own for those close to her.

The second girl is beautiful, caring and obedient. She contributed financially during my education and assist in house chores. However as a woman she lacks self control. My cousin almost slept with her in my room, but for my timely appearance. 

She once lied to a friend of mine who was wooing her that we were siblings. Although I have severally asked her so many times to stay away from me, but after few days, we would be closer than before. The third girl, my soulmate, is the last in my life. Please how do I stop the other two from destroying my love for this third girl and how do I build on my feelings for her? 

Worried Boy

Dear Worried Boy,

From where I sit, you don’t have any problem except the one you have created for yourself through your greed for women. A man who cannot control his lust for women will find it difficult to be contented with one woman despite whatever he feels for a particular woman.

The only way you can ever enjoy the company of the women you have settled for is to terminate every other relationship you are into.

Honestly, your relationship with your third girlfriend doesn’t need the help of the other woman to go down; you are already doing that through yours inability to make up your mind concerning your multiple relationships.

Fortunately, you know the abilities and disabilities of these other women; you cannot accuse them of concealing their true nature from you because they have stripped themselves of any pretences right before you.

Not every man is that lucky. Some would have married them before discovering the nature of their wives.

This is the point you get to where you tell yourself the truth. Despite what you know about the character of your first and second girlfriend, why are you still keeping them in your nest? What are the attractions to these women?

It isn’t often that love alone influences some men like you stick to one woman. For some men, they will always have reasons to look else where even when married to one of the best women on earth.

Therefore you must have a reason to love and nurse your love for the woman your heart appears to have settled for. It has nothing to do with the other ladies you are leaving or anyone for that matter.

The logistics of how you groom and grow this relationship depends on how much you trust in your own judgment of her person as well as the measure of happiness you have bargained for in your life.

But one thing you can count on, no matter how much this third lady loves you, chances of you getting her full commitment would disappear the moment she knows she is part of a chain of women in your life.

So it behooves you to get your acts right by doing away with the other women to give you the time to settle down with the one your heart wants.

Also it is imperative you do it before settling down in your service state.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626

How do I stop this insanity?

Dear Agatha, 

This problem doesn’t concern me directly but it will affect my sister if it eventually blows open.

It has to do with the sister to my sister’s husband and our neighbor. About three weeks ago, I came back home from an errand my sister sent me to find our flat locked.

I didn’t find the key where we normally leave it so I went downstairs to ask the security man if my sister’s sister-in-law left the key with him. He replied that she hasn’t come down all day. As I was going back upstairs to knock harder on the door; thinking she may have slept off, I saw her and the married man opposite our flat kissing at the top of the stairs. They quickly disengaged when they heard my steps.

I pretended not to have seen them in order not to embarrass both of them. Besides, she was a lot older than I am. When I tried to question her about what I saw, she shut me up with a slap; telling me to mind my business. She also threatened to deal with me should I tell anybody about her affair with the man.

I am however bothered because of the problems that will occur should the wife of the man finds out about the affair.  Other neighbours may not notice because we are at top flats and share the same passage.

Once everybody is out of the house, she migrates into this man’s flat. I don’t know what he does for a living but he is home most of the time. His wife leaves the house as early as 6 a.m. and comes back very late. They have only a child, a five year old son he takes to school in the morning after which he comes back home.

I’m scared. My friend I told about the incident said I should alert my sister about it arguing that I am aiding and abetting her to destroy another woman’s home by my silence.

I am so very confused about it. Please help me. I am 16 while she is 22. What should I do?

Derin.

Dear Derin,

This is something you can handle on your own without involving your sister or husband. Since she has decided to use force and threats, there is nothing stopping you from doing same in getting her to listen to your opinion.

But you must get this clear; it is her life hence she has a right to do whatever she pleases with it. Your interest in her life begins and ends with the implication on your sister and family should the man’s wife discover she is having an affair with her husband.

Explain to her that if the affair involved someone else, not known to the family, you wouldn’t have bothered with what she does with her life.

Make it clear to her too that the next time she slaps you on account of her relationship with this man, you will have no choice but to inform your sister and brother-in-law about the affair she is having with their neighbor.

Let her understand that you are not trying to ply into her affairs but to stop everybody being embarrassed by her conduct should the affair blow open and becomes public knowledge. Make her understand that it is one thing to be in an affair with a married man and another thing entirely for the affair to be going on in the woman’s matrimonial home.

Ask her how she would feel if she is the other woman? How would she feel going out to work all day and coming back home to the knowledge of another woman sharing her husband right in her home?

She may not want to listen to you but make her understand the gravity of what she is doing not just to herself but to the entire family who maybe forced to move houses as a result of the scandal that normally follows such a situation.

If she fails to listen to you, you may have no choice but to tell your sister about it. Telling your sister will free you from the guilt of not telling her as well as the burden your knowledge of the affair between both of them has placed on you.

By then it would be the decision of your elder sister to confront her sister-in-law or inform her husband about the illegal affair going on between his sister and their neighbor.

As for you, mind your business and concentrate on the business that brought you to your sister’s house. To pry too much is to distract yourself from that thing most important to you in life.

If at the end of the day, you don’t think you want to be fingered as a gossip in the whole episode, try to ignore her completely.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626

Do I go back to my first girlfriend?

Dear Agatha,

I’m concurrently running two relationships. I met the first lady through my sister; who actually recommended her. We started dating even though I really didn’t love her as such.

In December 2012 precisely, I met this other lady in the church. It was instant between us. A few days after our meeting, we had sex. I kept dating both of them until the second lady lost her job sometime in April. I was there for her and encouraged her. She met an American returnee, who made her his PA. They were always together and I didn’t like it one bit especially as the man was divorced. I voiced my discomfort to her but she denied anything intimate between the two of them. 

Her presence in my life made me to start keeping the other lady at a distance. To cut the story short, I told her she has to let go of the man and to also stop going to his house.

That announced the beginning of our problems. She bluntly refused my order insisting her boss gave her a new lease of life. 

These days, we are always quarreling and fighting and I’m tired of it. I think I’m going to make do with my first woman because she appears better and I trust her more and she gives me peace of mind. I want to let go of the other woman. What do you think?

Worried Boyfriend.

Dear Worried Boyfriend,

You are your own problem by your inability to decode what you want from women on one side and your own interpretation of love on the other side.

Unless you cool your heels to define what you understand by love, you will continue to run into mud-covered waters in your relationships.

For instance, you must have a discerning spirit to detect the right woman for you. If you are the kind of man who equates sex with love, chances are you will always be disappointed because if the woman finds a more profitable sex out there, chances are she might leave you high and dry.

Besides, if you weren’t blinded by your own lust and ideas of what you think you want, you should have thought twice before investing your emotions into her.

This is because, sleeping with her few days after you meet her really doesn’t speak well of a woman you met in the church, a place of worship and moral sanctification. If you had met her on the street or through someone like you did your first girlfriend, it wouldn’t have mattered so much what she does with her body.

But it calls to question the moral value of a woman who you met in the church. That should have sounded the alarm bells for you to be careful and dig deeper into her kind of character.

What did she go to church to learn if not to reform her character and attitude?

If you really think of it, you shouldn’t be surprised or hurt by her attitude at all. If she did it with you, there is nothing stopping her from doing it with another man with the same ease she went with you.

Also, you lack the right to be hurt because you haven’t been exactly faithful to her since you are also double dating. He who comes with equity must come with clean hands. Your hands aren’t exactly without blemish. Given the fact that you had a subsisting relationship before meeting her; didn’t terminate whatever you had going with the other lady before starting something with her, do you really think you have a right to complain or feel jealous about her relationship with her boss?

In addition asking her to stop work based on your own insecurity over her association with her boss isn’t fair. Beyond suspicious and your own insecurity, what other evidences do you have to warrant you asking her to stop work?

As personal assistant, her job is defined by what her boss wants or location. To make such a demand of her is forgetting she has other commitments to herself, family and friends. Unless you are willing to meet with all her demands, you can’t stop her from working moreso, she isn’t your wife.

She must survive to enjoy a relationship or to be at peace with you. it would have been a different thing if you are offering her another job or setting up a profitable business for her before asking her to quit. If she quits, what will she be coming back to?

I think you are just being selfish because you are only thinking about yourself without giving a damn on how she feels or what she will depend on if she listens to you.

Sincerely, the women in your life aren’t your problem. Your selfishness would end up being your undoing. Life is having a good brew of satisfaction to be patient with whatever life throws at one. You want to eat and have your cake which is impossible in life. No one succeeds putting self on the front burner at all times. You must first be willing to invest in others to reap satisfaction at the end of the day.

Relationship is like a flower you must groom with tender care, attention, selflessness and dedication at all times. It is never too young or old to receive all its essential nutrients if it must survive all that life is bound to throw at it.

There is no easy route in life. Besides, the best things in life are the ones that come with thorns and hard labour.

Good as going back to the other lady appears to be, my worry is, are you good enough for her? Have you learnt all the lessons there are to learn to make this woman happy?

You didn’t treat her right the first time. You were looking for the glitz and glamour you think love is. The worst thing any man or woman can do to his or her partner; isn’t in being unfaithful but maltreating and devaluing one’s love and feelings on account of meeting another person. It is always best to end a relationship or even marriage at the point you know you cannot keep it going than to stay in it and begin something new with another person. It hurts more and leaves a very bitter taste in the mouth.

There is no way you would ever have thought of going back to this other lady, if things had worked between you and your second girlfriend. Therefore you are not going to her because you love her but that you think she is available and desperate to have you in her life. Granted she may not have voiced her resentment against your treatment of her doesn’t mean she might not have noticed the presence of another woman in your life or that you can’t be bothered about her feelings.

Like you, this woman has feelings and would be so unfair if you are going to her on a rebound without plans on how to make her happy.

You must be able to answer the basic questions of what you feel for her? How strong are these feelings? Are they strong enough to stop you from derailing, wanting something she doesn’t have to give you?

Don’t go back until you are very sincere in your answers to these questions else, you will end up hurting her more than you have already done to her. you know you wouldn’t have ever come back to her if things had gone well between you and this other girl hence you must take care to know she is what you need in your life by not treating her like a door mat or a tap you can turn on and off at your will.

It is also imperative you don’t give her false hopes at all. It is either you want her or you don’t. Don’t treat her like that old cloth you don’t want yet finds it difficult to let go. to do that would be destroying her for any other man that might genuinely love her.

Go to her only when you are sure you have lent something fundamental from this experience of yours. How to look beyond a woman’s physical presentation to the treasures she has inside of her.

Good luck.

Share a problem with Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626