Do I go back to my first girlfriend?

Dear Agatha,

I’m concurrently running two relationships. I met the first lady through my sister; who actually recommended her. We started dating even though I really didn’t love her as such.

In December 2012 precisely, I met this other lady in the church. It was instant between us. A few days after our meeting, we had sex. I kept dating both of them until the second lady lost her job sometime in April. I was there for her and encouraged her. She met an American returnee, who made her his PA. They were always together and I didn’t like it one bit especially as the man was divorced. I voiced my discomfort to her but she denied anything intimate between the two of them. 

Her presence in my life made me to start keeping the other lady at a distance. To cut the story short, I told her she has to let go of the man and to also stop going to his house.

That announced the beginning of our problems. She bluntly refused my order insisting her boss gave her a new lease of life. 

These days, we are always quarreling and fighting and I’m tired of it. I think I’m going to make do with my first woman because she appears better and I trust her more and she gives me peace of mind. I want to let go of the other woman. What do you think?

Worried Boyfriend.

Dear Worried Boyfriend,

You are your own problem by your inability to decode what you want from women on one side and your own interpretation of love on the other side.

Unless you cool your heels to define what you understand by love, you will continue to run into mud-covered waters in your relationships.

For instance, you must have a discerning spirit to detect the right woman for you. If you are the kind of man who equates sex with love, chances are you will always be disappointed because if the woman finds a more profitable sex out there, chances are she might leave you high and dry.

Besides, if you weren’t blinded by your own lust and ideas of what you think you want, you should have thought twice before investing your emotions into her.

This is because, sleeping with her few days after you meet her really doesn’t speak well of a woman you met in the church, a place of worship and moral sanctification. If you had met her on the street or through someone like you did your first girlfriend, it wouldn’t have mattered so much what she does with her body.

But it calls to question the moral value of a woman who you met in the church. That should have sounded the alarm bells for you to be careful and dig deeper into her kind of character.

What did she go to church to learn if not to reform her character and attitude?

If you really think of it, you shouldn’t be surprised or hurt by her attitude at all. If she did it with you, there is nothing stopping her from doing it with another man with the same ease she went with you.

Also, you lack the right to be hurt because you haven’t been exactly faithful to her since you are also double dating. He who comes with equity must come with clean hands. Your hands aren’t exactly without blemish. Given the fact that you had a subsisting relationship before meeting her; didn’t terminate whatever you had going with the other lady before starting something with her, do you really think you have a right to complain or feel jealous about her relationship with her boss?

In addition asking her to stop work based on your own insecurity over her association with her boss isn’t fair. Beyond suspicious and your own insecurity, what other evidences do you have to warrant you asking her to stop work?

As personal assistant, her job is defined by what her boss wants or location. To make such a demand of her is forgetting she has other commitments to herself, family and friends. Unless you are willing to meet with all her demands, you can’t stop her from working moreso, she isn’t your wife.

She must survive to enjoy a relationship or to be at peace with you. it would have been a different thing if you are offering her another job or setting up a profitable business for her before asking her to quit. If she quits, what will she be coming back to?

I think you are just being selfish because you are only thinking about yourself without giving a damn on how she feels or what she will depend on if she listens to you.

Sincerely, the women in your life aren’t your problem. Your selfishness would end up being your undoing. Life is having a good brew of satisfaction to be patient with whatever life throws at one. You want to eat and have your cake which is impossible in life. No one succeeds putting self on the front burner at all times. You must first be willing to invest in others to reap satisfaction at the end of the day.

Relationship is like a flower you must groom with tender care, attention, selflessness and dedication at all times. It is never too young or old to receive all its essential nutrients if it must survive all that life is bound to throw at it.

There is no easy route in life. Besides, the best things in life are the ones that come with thorns and hard labour.

Good as going back to the other lady appears to be, my worry is, are you good enough for her? Have you learnt all the lessons there are to learn to make this woman happy?

You didn’t treat her right the first time. You were looking for the glitz and glamour you think love is. The worst thing any man or woman can do to his or her partner; isn’t in being unfaithful but maltreating and devaluing one’s love and feelings on account of meeting another person. It is always best to end a relationship or even marriage at the point you know you cannot keep it going than to stay in it and begin something new with another person. It hurts more and leaves a very bitter taste in the mouth.

There is no way you would ever have thought of going back to this other lady, if things had worked between you and your second girlfriend. Therefore you are not going to her because you love her but that you think she is available and desperate to have you in her life. Granted she may not have voiced her resentment against your treatment of her doesn’t mean she might not have noticed the presence of another woman in your life or that you can’t be bothered about her feelings.

Like you, this woman has feelings and would be so unfair if you are going to her on a rebound without plans on how to make her happy.

You must be able to answer the basic questions of what you feel for her? How strong are these feelings? Are they strong enough to stop you from derailing, wanting something she doesn’t have to give you?

Don’t go back until you are very sincere in your answers to these questions else, you will end up hurting her more than you have already done to her. you know you wouldn’t have ever come back to her if things had gone well between you and this other girl hence you must take care to know she is what you need in your life by not treating her like a door mat or a tap you can turn on and off at your will.

It is also imperative you don’t give her false hopes at all. It is either you want her or you don’t. Don’t treat her like that old cloth you don’t want yet finds it difficult to let go. to do that would be destroying her for any other man that might genuinely love her.

Go to her only when you are sure you have lent something fundamental from this experience of yours. How to look beyond a woman’s physical presentation to the treasures she has inside of her.

Good luck.

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