My Mother-in-law Wants Me Out Of My Matrimonial Home

Dear Agatha,

I am one of those women who never liked the idea of having a mother-in-law because of the many stories I have heard and listened to about the havocs they do to their sons’ homes. 

But when I met my husband I was too much in love with him to remember my resolve not to marry a man who still had a mother. Besides, he promised never to allow his mother come between us. I believed him and that informed my reason for marrying him.

The first year went quite well until I had my first child. Against my will he brought his mother to stay with us to help with the baby.

It wasn’t long after that she started manifesting her true nature. She began to complain almost about everything in the house from my handling of the baby to my dirty nature. She acted as if the baby was hers. Simply because on one occasion the baby slipped from my hands while I slept from fatigue of feeding her throughout the night, there was nothing she didn’t say to me. She didn’t stop at that but insisted I give her the baby to care for once I get up in the morning. The only time she allows me close to the baby is when it is time for breastfeeding. In addition, she has taken over my kitchen.

Not minding how I feel, she cooks meals without my consent and has practically taken over my home. 

When I complained to my husband, he told me that his mother was only trying to be useful to me; that rather than complain I should appreciate the sacrifices she was making leaving her husband to be with me. 

My husband thinks I am being paranoid; finding fault where none exists with the mother. According to him, his mother is only trying to make me comfortable by offering to take care of the baby and cook meals for me to give me strength to care for the baby through the night. 

He is refusing to believe me that his mother hates me and wants me out of his house else why would she complain about my housekeeping and the many things she accuses me of?

Agatha, how do I get her out of my house without insulting her because I have had enough of her.

Please help me get my home back. Tell me how to get this woman out of my house so that I can have my peace again. 

Sumbo.

Dear Sumbo,

Precisely how is this woman making life difficult for you? By caring for you while you recuperate from childbirth? Would you be so opposed by her presence in your kitchen if she were your own mother? Would you complain to your husband if it were your mother taking the baby off you during the daytime to give you the strength to nurse the baby through the night? 

Would you feel bad if it were your mother correcting you on how to improve on your housekeeping?

Doubtless, there is no human setting without conflicts but such conflicts can only be resolved amicably when premised on truth and sincerity of purpose. 

From all you have said this woman hasn’t done anything wrong but to offer you support in the best way she understands it. If you are not pleased with her methods, the rules of cordial living and essence of marriage demand you tell her with love and respect. Being your husband’s mother, her position in your life is no longer abstract. She has gone beyond a stranger to being your mother, one you just must learn to live with as long as you are married to her son. There is no way you can claim to love her son without showing her love and respect. She is the mother of the man who has given you so much happiness as a woman and grandmother to the child you are fighting her over. She has the same rights your mother has over that child.

What you seem to forget is that you too would be mother-in-law one day to a woman who would also question the motive behind whatever you are doing to assist her with her child. If this woman has anything against you, do you think she would have allowed you to marry her son in the first place or agreed to come to help you with the baby? From your own admission, the child slipped from your hands when you fell asleep from fatigue of not sleeping in the night. What if anything had happened to the child what would have been your excuse? Only a concerned mother would do what she offered to do, take care of the baby throughout the day. Often than not the attitude of most mothers-in-law is that she has nursed her own children, their sons’ wives should nurse theirs. If you must know the truth, she doesn’t have to do that at all. Many mothers-in-law would not offer to take on the tedious task of caring for a neo-natal throughout the day while you sleep and regain your strength. I am sure many young mothers would gladly take your place.

Rather than make life unbearable for her, you should thank her for being there for you. Her actions show she has taken you not just like a daughter-in-law but like her own daughter. Mothers only do what she is doing for you for their own daughters not daughters-in-law.  

There are women like my mother who wouldn’t even do more than come for a one-day visit to see the baby. You are indeed a very lucky young lady. Be careful you don’t allow your prejudices destroy the peace in your home else you will end up with more regrets than you can manage in life.

Even if your mother-in-law is doing something you don’t like, rather than complain about her to your husband, you could always go to her and tell her how you want things done without anger. A lot depends on the way issues are approached. If you show her love and have been able to go beyond the in-law prejudices to friendship, telling her how you want certain things done in your home won’t be a problem at all. She too would understand the need for you to individualise your home but if you say nothing to her, or even show appreciation for the selfless sacrifices she is making for you, there is no way she would respond with anger to your attitude or complaints. 

A lot of the tension and anger you feel now towards her would change if only you know how to say thank you, as well as take note of her positive points. No matter how old we are, we like to be appreciated. If she were your mother, I am sure you would have been full of praises for her for finding the time to come and stay with you.

One thing you should never forget is the fact that one day you will be in her shoes, mother-in-law to a woman. How would you feel if your son’s wife wishes you dead simply because she has this twisted idea that mothers-in-law are monsters? How would you feel if your daughter-in-law lacks appreciation for the efforts you are putting to make motherhood comfortable for her?

Would you in all honesty blame this woman if she turns hostile to you after the way you have treated her, shown her ingratitude for the efforts she is putting into helping you with the baby?

I think you should be honest enough to check yourself. Do you think this woman deserves your attitude? Isn’t your mother also capable of doing some of the things you are accusing her of doing? Have you ever condemned your mother for who she is? 

Life is a cycle of both perfection and imperfection. For our tomorrows to be better, we must learn to give honour to who it is due. Your mother-in-law is an exceptional woman who deserves praises from you and not condemnation. You are the one who has to change. Treat her like your mother if you really love her son and home.

Good luck. 

Mother Can’t Pick Education Bill, Indian Boss Wants Mistress…

ear Agatha,

I am a good reader of your column. To be sincere with you, you are doing a very nice job. May the good God bless you as well as give solutions to your own problems.

I am a 33-year-old lady born without the presence of a father to take good care of me. I don’t know how it all happened. 

I would have asked my mother what transpired between her and my father but she isn’t too disposed to answering questions about her relationship with my father. From what I gathered, she took up the responsibilities to care for me by herself. Unfortunately, she couldn’t afford to send me to school. She ignored the fact that I needed to have good education in life. Left with no choice, I had to go and stay with her sister at a tender age all because I desired to have a good education. I was brought to Lagos by this woman who cared so much for me, but something happened and she changed dramatically towards me. I still don’t know what changed her to become so dramatically hostile to me. It got so bad she asked me to leave her house. 

Left with no choice, I went home to see my mother to demand for explanation to all that is happening to me. It was while at home she told me that someone in the church told her, a curse was placed on me. The voodoo is to make people hate me so much that I would be forced to return to the village. I was told to fast, I did. According to them, only the presence of my father can break the curse, which is why I was told to fast for my mother to have a change of heart and take me to my father. 

To worsen matters my stepfather passed on leaving responsibilities too much for my mother to handle. Much as I would have loved to help, it is so painful that I am limited by my problems. Through self-help I sat for the General Certificate Examination (GCE) last year but my result has not been released till date. Please tell me what to do? 

The Bible says we should call upon God night and day for help. I know He is not in the habit of failing anyone who trusts in Him. Now there is this Indian man who wants me to come and work for him but he has placed some very difficult condition that I am uncomfortable with.  

He wants me to come and live with him in his house as his mistress. I don’t want to do that but I have no choice but to accept the offer. I may not have money but I don’t want to exchange my body for money because to me this is fornication? Please tell me what to do before I go into this relationship. Sincerely speaking, I am not happy with the situation and wouldn’t want to offend God. My mother is refusing to introduce me to my father or his family. Till date, I don’t have any information concerning my father or his family, not even his name or that of his family. 

I have suffered so much and would not want to compromise my situation with God. I am of the belief he would make a way for me. I am so confused.

Victoria.

Dear Victoria, 

Let’s give the credit of this page to God because am not flawless. Your mother is the major architect of your problem. Why is she refusing to introduce you to your father or his family? Why is she allowing you go through this difficulty in life? Why did she stop your father from having access to you when she knows she is incapable of taking care of you or help you with information on how to better your life? What does she expect you to do in your current situation; sell your body to make ends meet?

It is your right to know who your father is. At 33, you are more than old enough to be told who you father is. To continue to keep silent about his identity is to call to question her knowledge of who your father really is. This is the point you must emphasis when demanding from her to see your father. She must understand the emotional and spiritual trauma of you growing up without knowing the man whose sperm fathered you. Make her understand that whatever the issue was between them should not be allowed to mar your identity especially as you risk marrying any of your father’s relations or even your father for that matter out of ignorance.

Let her also know that if she truly cares about you, she should be worried at the prophecy given in the church about the curse placed on you. If need be, go to her people or the leadership of the church to plead your case with her.

She has to be made to appreciate that you are no longer a child but a full grown woman who ought to by now have settled and raising a family of her own. They should tell her there is no way you can move forward in life without her help in mending the crack she created in your foundation. Let them assure her that you won’t be offended or deny her as a mother if she tells you the truth concerning her past. Chances are that her refusal to tell you has to do with fear of being rejected by you. Assure her that you understand that human beings are prone to mistakes, especially a young girl whose hormones are more than active or out of desperation for a better life, do certain things contrary to moral standards. Being a mother now, the fear of losing the respect you have for her by opening a chapter she considers closed for life. To get her to open up, you have to show a remarkable understanding and healthy respect for the decisions she took dating your father and for asking to keep you.

To totally condemn her for her conduct would be totally wrong, as you don’t have the experience of what motivated her decisions then. Besides, your condemnation may leave her a permanent prisoner of her conscience and guilt.

Honestly at this stage, you won’t achieve much by fighting her. Granted you have every reason to be angry, bitter but without you applying the much-needed wisdom, it might be impossible for you to break her 33-year of silence. 

If she still refuses to tell you, there must be someone in her family who knows what happened in the past. Ask her siblings or relations. She must have someone who remembers her past, that can give you a clue into her past. The information may not be sufficient but it would be more than enough for you to go by.

There is also the need for you to learn from her mistakes. Already, you are about to make the same mistake your mother made by going to live with a man whose intentions and desires for your body is obvious to you. What if he decides to force himself on you since you live all alone with him in his house? Would you blame him for doing what he has expressly told you he wanted? Do you think he would accept any responsibility for any child that comes from both of you sleeping together?

To be candid with you, whether you like it or not, you are already in a relationship with him because it is only a matter of time before he gets what he wants from you as long as you live under his roof. No matter the hardship or confusion generated by your situation, accepting to live with him has compromised whatever moral standards you claim to have. In a way what you are facing should give you a little bit of understanding into the reasons for the choice your mother made back then even though it still doesn’t excuse her reasons for not telling you who your father is.

Sincerely, living in your boss’ house isn’t an option at all. Instead appeal to him to help you look for a job elsewhere to take the pressure off you. Also learn to be focused and determined to succeed in life. If it would help, there are countless of women and men who have walked along this part before and are today huge success because they made the choice to rise above their situation in life. Every situation we find ourselves in life is intended to teach us how to be strong and in control of our situation. At 33, you should have overcome this situation had you determined to.

Nobody can do it for you, not even your mother. Whatever the curse may be, it can be broken once you summon the will to help yourself. Are you saying if your mother had died before this revelation came up, you would have gone to her grave to give you the information about your father. Though it hurts not to know who you fully are, the fact remains that you have a father who is above all fathers, one who cannot change and always ready to help you anytime you ask for His assistance. 

Begin your journey towards self-actualisation by going for deliverance. Pray and ask God for direction on how to go about it. You need Him to lead you to a pastor He has equipped to deliver you. 

Honesty and complete trust in God are what you need to overcome your situation. As you have found out, even parents are capable of failing one. So give yourself up completely to God because that is where your ultimate help comes from. 

Help yourself by checking on your own ways too because most times we are our very own enemies. If you haven’t done it already, don’t cheapen yourself by sleeping with this man. It isn’t worth it.

Good luck.

Should I Tell My Sister About Her Husband’s Covert Wife?

Dear Agatha,

What I’m about to tell you has been giving me sleepless nights for close to a year now. I must say it has been giving me even high blood pressure as well.

I live with my sister and her husband. They have been married for quite sometime now without any child. Both of them look happy together even without a child.

However, early last year, I stumbled on a piece of information that started my emotional upset. I got to know that my sister’s husband has impregnated a lady in another state different from where we’re leaving. I couldn’t tell my sister, couldn’t tell anybody either. I was confused and decided to put it off as mere rumour.

A month ago, I confirmed this to be true, even with names. The lady has given birth. Every two weeks, my brother-in-law gives official reasons for travelling. My sister does not know this and I’m not sure whether to tell her. This is why I am worried and stressful. What can I do?

Worried Sister.

Dear Worried Sister, 

It isn’t your place to tell your sister. The decision is that of her husband. No matter how painful all these are for you, you must keep away from your sister’s marital challenges. Irrespective of whatever her husband has done, he remains her partner and soul mate. Whereas they can forgive each other and make up to each other because of what they shared, the same cannot be said for you. Her husband will forever remember how you tried to break his home by telling his wife something he was trying to hide and your sister will one day query your reason for telling her. Besides, your name will always be mentioned as the one who told her about the other woman and the child. 

Marriage is a sacred and very delicate institution. It is also a mystery only very few people understand. When two people decide to spend the rest of their lives together, they are not only making the physical vow but going into a very strong covenant which only the two of them understand. Some couples are too deep into each other to be understood. Their unity is beyond understanding and only those who understand what the ideals of marriage appreciate the power of love and friendship in a marriage.

Marriage involves just two people, anytime there is a third party intervention, the foundation experiences a crack capable of destroying the foundation completely. No matter how deep an injury is in a marriage, true love is elastic enough to snap it back together. If your sister is truly in love with her husband, they will always overcome this problem. Besides you don’t know what the arrangement is between your sister and husband especially if the fault is from her. Strange things have been known to happen between couple.

There is no hidden thing under the sun. Your brother-in-law cannot conceal the existence of this child from his wife forever. Eventually she will get to know of her husband’s betrayal of her, but do everything to make sure she doesn’t get to hear it from you. Trust me you lack the maturity and wisdom to break this delicate news to her.

To assuage your guilt at keeping this information from her, confide in your mother, if you still have one. As a matured mind, she will know how to manage the situation without breaking your sister’s marriage. You could also confront your brother-in-law with the information you have. In doing this, don’t be overtly hostile to him, just demand to know why he did what he did considering the pains it would cause your sister.

Hear him out, express your disappointment at his conduct, but don’t ever insult him because whatever he may have done wrong, he remains the husband of your elder sister and until she decides otherwise, continue to accord him his respect. The best you can do is to pray for God’s intervention for your sister because it is the only way she can get over her problems and become fulfilled as a woman. If you have never been close to her, taking things happening to her for granted, it is time you do. Listen to her inner yearnings as a woman by encouraging her to talk about the challenges she is facing in her marriage. Being her pillar would give her the much needed succour to face the task of adjusting to the knowledge of being a stepmother when the husband eventually decides to tell her. 

Furthermore, you need to position yourself as a friend too, to be able to know how and where to come in with help when is needed. There is the need to be very close to her emotionally. 

Good luck.

Help, I Can’t Woo Girl!

Dear Agatha,

Where in the world did you learn this talent of overcoming people’s problems?

I am a 20-year-old boy who since secondary school has had no relationship with a woman. I often ask my friends how they manage to talk women into having relationships with them. Some of my friends think my question funny. They ask if I am impotent. Agatha, it has nothing to do with impotency but my inability to chat up a girl who responds to my overtures. It is also confusing to me. I don’t know why it happens like that. Please help me if you can.

Lonely Boy.

Dear Lonely Boy,

All the glory for whatever I am doing here rightly belongs to God. He is the problem solver not me. I am only doing His bidding. You are having this problem because deep down you have this morbid fear that you don’t have what it takes to keep this girls. Unless you overcome your sense of limitations, inadequacy and fear of embarrassing yourself in the presence of a woman, you would never be able to chat up a woman.

One of the ways to challenge this restriction in your life is to accept the fact that we are all prone one time or the other to mistakes and making fools of ourselves. Ask a lot of men. They would tell you that the first time they talked to a woman was very difficult and frightening because it was an entirely new terrain.

The guts to withstand the cold stare of the woman: her arrogance, and sometime outright rudeness is what you need. Brave it because underneath the façade of indifference and toughness most women put up the first time a man approaches them, is a soft and friendly side.

The worst, a woman can do is to tell you off. She is only exercising her prerogative. Move on to one who would receive your interest with happiness.

Being honest, simple and factual would work better magic for you than any word. Don’t worry too much about it. Chatting a woman up is one of the initiations you have to confront in your journey towards manhood.

Next time on seeing a girl you like, start by limiting your interest to general topics like the weather, political and social development in the country before talking about her person and your interest. Your interest should only be tabled when you are both sufficiently accommodating.

Good luck.

Before Her Anger Over My Marriage Abroad Ruins Our Dream…

Dear Agatha,

 I live overseas and really enjoy reading the advice you offer to your various writers. I’ve advised myself severally simply by reading your comments on various issues. I really want to thank you for everything.

 I have an issue of my own I would like to get some advice on. I met Chinyere back in 2004 in Nigeria while on a trip home. We spoke frequently over the phone during the next few months and really came to like each other. The relationship flourished for the next two years during which time I came home several times to visit her and her family. I loved them so much. 

Being overseas the past 25 years, and being 43 years old have not changed me much from my values, but I kept a secret from Chinyere. During my years overseas, I got married to a foreigner and we had two boys, now 16 and 13 years of age. My kids and I are very close. I was already divorced two years before I met Chinyere but I failed to inform her when I first met her of my situation. I even became wearier of telling her after we fell in love. I was scared she might leave me. But I knew I was making a mistake. I was listening to family members and friends, who also loved her so much that she might leave me if she found out I was married and had kids. 

 I was going to proceed with the traditional wedding in 2006, but I knew it would go against every fair principle that I knew and practiced. So I called to inform some friends and advise them to accompany me to her parents’ house so I can disclose this last information to them in front of my girl before the wedding. Well, as it turned out, one of my so-called friends carelessly or intentionally told her about my situation before I returned home. Chinyere didn’t even bother to call and find out what had happened. She stopped taking my calls. 

When I visited home that summer, she said our wedding was off and still refused to tell me what happened. I later learnt from her parents how someone had called and informed her that I was married to a certain white woman and had children. I don’t know what else they told her. Until today, Agatha, she never told me what really happened. She refused to marry me, and has not married herself. I’m 43 yrs of age, unmarried, while she is 31. 

I need some closure, Agatha, and I need your help because it’s really been long but I still think about her all the time. I need help moving on with my life. It’s been awhile we talked. I don’t really know what else to say to her after pleas from my family and I and even some members of hers have fallen on her deaf ears. How do I move on?

Tobechukwu.

Dear Tobechukwu, 

Doubtless you were wrong not to have told her about your former marital status and the children. Irrespective of what you feared, you should have been man enough to confront her with the ghost of your past by telling her about the children she supposed to inherit as hers.

She trusted you with her heart and life by agreeing to marry you. The shock of finding out that the man she is supposed to settle down with is hiding something as important as children and a history of a broken home, destroyed the trust she has started to build around you and the relationship. Sincerely, you cannot blame her for refusing to listen to you at the time you came. You had all the opportunities of telling her about these children. 

The news of knowing you have children must have been very traumatic for her especially as she didn’t know much about you even when she agreed to marry you. Leaving far from her also didn’t help matters especially with the stories of the desperation most African men display to stay in their host country. She could have come to so many conclusions, wrong in your perspective, but right in hers. One thing is clear, whatever trust she had in you or the possibility of having a happy union nose-dived from the point your friend told her crashed. By now she is probably wondering what other unpleasant surprises you have in stock for her. Her reason for canceling your wedding plans may be her inability to reconcile with your present image as a father. She may not have envisaged life with someone who has tried matrimony and have children. 

Unless she is ready to come out of whatever shell she has built around, there is little or nothing you can do. She has to learn to forgive you before you can talk of a future together. Try putting yourself in her shoes to appreciate what she is going through. 

However be that as it may, relationship heals on the wheel of forgiveness and trust. Granted you were very wrong not to have told her from the beginning about your collapsed marriage, truth is, she should have given you the chance to explain why you kept such vital information from her. 

Although you made the greater mistake of not telling her but in retrospect, it has given you a chance to assess the kind of person she is. True love and friendship make it easy for couple to let go of some painful memories. If she has the same kind of love you have for her, irrespective of her initial shock and pains, she should have long forgiven you of the offence because that is what time does, heal our pains as well as disappointments.

Having pleaded with her as well as have her family members intercede for you, make the last attempt to see her by sending her a text message asking for an appointment with her. If she fails to respond or listen to what you have to say, accept the fact that it wasn’t meant to be and move on with your life. If this is what God wants there is no questioning His authority. 

He sees the end from the beginning and knows what is best for us. Submitting to His supremacy is the only way you can be happy because certain things we think are best for us end up not being in our interest. The key to happiness is to completely trust God and submit to His will for you at all times. That is the only way to wipe away all your tears. 

Good luck.

Choosing My Wife From The Duo Nags Me…

Dear Agatha,             

I must commend your efforts in handling issues pertaining to relationships. I’m in my late 20s and a student. There is this girl I fell in love with in my first year. She didn’t give in to my request till my third year. Before she came, someone else has crept into my life. This new girl loves and cares for me as if I were a baby even when she’s aware we can’t marry due to tribal differences. According to my parents I can only marry a woman from my tribe. She wants to enjoy every moment we have together while we’re together.

The first girl is still on my mind especially now that she is in love with me. Besides, she is from my tribe.   

Agatha, I don’t know what to do. I love both girls though the one from my tribe is hot-tempered and stubborn I don’t want to lose both.

Ken.

Dear Ken, 

There is no way you can have both women in your life. You simply have to make the choice of the one who meets your requirement of the kind of woman you have always wanted in your life. 

Marriage isn’t a tribal thing rather it is motivated by both parties having the same kind of ideas and temperament to live together as one. 

Even if a couple comes from the same kindred, if they lack those basic qualities to live under the same roof as man and wife, cannot communicate without having an unresolved disagreement, shout at each other, insensitive to the position of the other within the union, then there is no marriage. The language of marriage revolves around friendship, respect and responsibility. Without any of these, no matter how much love is professed, it won’t work. 

There is also the issue of you loving both of them. What do you understand by love? What shade of love are you talking about here? Between interest and love, there are different kinds of feelings many of us mistakenly call love. There is no way you can love these two girls. You may be in love with one and infatuated by the other but to say you are in love with both of them shows you also have to tutor yourself on what you want and understand by the feelings you feel for these ladies. 

Therefore, there is the need for you to take a retreat to fathom what you really want from life. If you don’t have a personal plan and the blueprint, it would be almost impossible for you to recognise the kind of woman you need to help you achieve it. 

It is only after you have done this that you will be able to determine the kind of girl who will make you happy. In your interest, be sure you know what you want to avoid making the choice of a woman you will later regret. 

Good luck. 

Re: My Premium Partner Too Scary To Have Sex

Dear Agatha, 

You are simply wired to do what you are doing through your column. Your response to Mr. Worried Man is apt. Let him discover the power of the touch. He and his wife will have a new perspective to lovemaking. Let him discover her vulnerable spots and she is bound to explode with pleasure. Welcome to the club! My wife is a Xerox-copy of this man’s wife but when I discovered the importance of feel, she lost her reserve in the bedroom. Imagine we both got married as virgins. But I keep reading. I read your regularly and have learnt so much. I never stop reading and learning. I never desire to remain in my comfort-zone psychologically; I break out of my cocoon. I think out of the normal, out of the box and desiring to do the unusual. Your wife is your song; you are her dance. Make her read the Songs Of Solomon. Make her sing your song. Oh yes you can! You are her leader. Remember once you’ve passed your doctrine of sexual necessity, she will have no option than to flow along with your rhythm. 

Good luck.

Adayi.

Lonely Hearts

Dear Agatha,

Please I need your help I am a young man of 35 years of age, 5.7 inches tall, fair, romantic, gentle, honest, God fearing and above all hard working. Please I need a good-looking, kindhearted working class woman who will love me not because of what I have but for whom I am. Because I really want to get married soon, I need to date her for seven months before that. She should be between 28 to 35 years old. 

Agatha, please help me. My email is emekanwachukwu13@yahoo.com

Kenny.

My name is Fred. I’m tall, dark and 29 years old. I’m from the eastern part of the country.

I’m a graduate. I work and reside in Lagos. I’m looking for a lady: a good listener, humble, educated, goal-getter and a focused mind. She can come from any part of the country, but must be resident in Lagos. Must be within the ages of 22-30 years. I am for a serious relationship.

Interested ladies could reach me on 08062415199 or judenex@yahoo.com. I can also be reached on Facebook via my e-mail add.

Fred,, Lagos.

How Do I Get My Husband Back?

Dear Agatha, 

I am fed up with my marriage. Got married three years ago to a man I thought was very ideal for me. While we were dating, he was caring and very attentive to me. He practically swept me off my feet with all the attention he showered on me. It was for this reason I left the other man I was dating for him. 

In the first year after our marriage, he continued in the tradition but I noticed that he began to change in our second year of marriage. Rather than serve me breakfast in bed on those rare occasions when we were at home together, as was the case in our first year of marriage, he would stay back. 

At first I pretended it was all right with me but when it looked as if he was planning to make it permanent, I protested.

To my surprise, he told me he wasn’t ready to pamper me anymore. 

When I reminded him it was the reason I married him he actually flared up and call me a selfish woman. 

The situation has continued to degenerate between us and we are really not on speaking terms. He accuses me of being too arrogant and making him feel less the man he is. 

I suspect he is having an extramarital affair because he no longer complains about me not having time for him nor does he bother about eating at home anymore. He spends considerable time on the phone, ends his conversation with the other person with “me too”, obviously in response. 

As a matter of fact, he hardly comes home and when he does, sleeps in the guest room. He is completely acting out of character that I suspect the other woman may be using charms on him. He has always been a responsible man and despite our differences, he was still coming home to eat.

Now I don’t even see him let alone have time to exchange words with him. I am afraid of him ending the marriage because we don’t have any child yet. 

Please help me. A friend of mine suggested we trail him to wherever it is that he goes and beat the woman up. 

I really don’t know what to do anymore because I have come to realise that I love him so much. How do I get him back?

Rachael.

Dear Rachael, 

You can get him back by learning to give him what he wants from you before you completely lose him to another woman. When a man demands for attention from his wife, the best thing is for the woman to oblige him to avoid problems in the home. 

Whosoever your husband is involved with may not be using charms but could have mastered the act of tender loving care (TLC), the secret to a wise woman’s success at home. When a woman devotes herself to the care, happiness and peace of the man in her life, it appears like charm to those who don’t know what her strength is. 

It was presumptuous of you to assume that he would continue to pamper you when you are not showing a corresponding will to follow his example. For any relationship to work, it has to be symbiotic. It has to be delicately balanced to achieve the desired result. If one of the partners feels the pressure of giving too much while the other is contented with taking only, it destroys the home. Your partner wanted more from you; desired both of you to go on the voyage of self-discovery together but you rejected the opportunity. 

However, it isn’t too late to get him back. If there is another woman, don’t bother or complicate things by going to fight her. You have done enough damage to this marriage to risk doing more. 

What you should do is to go back to the drawing board. Admit your mistakes and plot how to use your intimate knowledge of him to get him back; to get very good results be very honest with yourself. Don’t be shy to come clean with your own faults by apologising to him. Even if he comes smelling of another woman’s perfume, don’t give up. You must find a way of showing him how much you care for him and want the marriage back. 

Also, be prepared to do a lot of work to get back the confidence he once had in you bearing in mind that the other woman too won’t let go easily even if you are his legal wife. Be mindful too that he is hurting from your attitude and may not be too receptive to you now. The important thing you should hold on to is your love for your home. 

In situations like this, you require all the complete tools of patience and tolerance. You also require the help of God to give you the right kind of wisdom to win him back. 

You must be prepared to use your money, body and imagination in this battle for his heart. Don’t be shy or bothered about what anybody would say. Be prepared to eat the humble pie. Go to his office if he isn’t prepared to listen to you at home, to invite him out to lunch or dinner, especially as he isn’t likely to eat at home. 

Because the office is the last place he would want the problem he is having with you advertised, go in a taxi so you could both ride in the same car. Send him gifts, the kind you know he likes, as well as text messages. 

If you can’t do it on your own, enlist the help of your best man, whose job includes ensuring the marriage he bested stays intact. You must find a way of ensuring you get his attention without irritating the less than cordial situation in your home. 

Pamper him if that would bring peace to your home. The truth is that men respond not just to the hands that feed them but those hands and heart that care for them in a very special way. 

Like children, they warm up to attention, presence, smile, friendship and pampering. These are things money cannot buy; the reason men crave for a woman to spend the rest of their lives with. Once they aren’t getting the kind of attention they desire from their wives, they have the tendency to look for that quality attention outside. If your husband sees the effort you are making to win him back, he would definitely come back. What he wants from you is appreciation of his person and position in your life. Nothing more! 

You also have to be humble enough to give him control of the home. Even if you are the breadwinner, he remains the leader of the team. Your position as his wife is to give support, not wrestle position with him by assigning responsibilities to him. Marriage doesn’t work that way. There are positions to be respected and responsibilities to be shared. Cooking for you while you sleep is not his responsibilities. If he is doing it, it is simply because he loves you, not because he has to do it. That is your department. Feminism has no place in a successful marriage.

With prayers, apology, better care of him and humility, you will win him back.

Good luck. 

Before He Marries Second Wife…

Dear Agatha,

I am in my mid 20s and have been married for two years. I am still looking unto God for the fruit of the womb. 

Before I married my husband, he presented himself as a good and responsible man. I honestly didn’t know the other side of him, his extreme passion for women. His is what you would describe as an acute Casanova. He simply cannot take his eyes off a woman. The last time I caught him with a woman, rather than apologise, he told me in very clear terms to either learn to live with him and his affairs or quit the marriage so he can bring in a woman who would give him children.

He has called me so many names, said so many unprintable things to me and has actually beaten me mercilessly, all because I haven’t been able to be pregnant.  These days, he does whatever he likes and lavish money at will on his girlfriends. 

Agatha, it is hell for me in his house as even his mother is afraid to challenge him. He is in full control of everybody.  

I love him because he is my husband. He is now of the opinion that nothing good can come from me and has prepared me for the coming of his second wife any moment from. He has given me the freedom to go if I don’t want to meet the person.  Advise me on how to deal with this situation. He doesn’t go to church but claims to know God better than those that do. He says his mistresses give him joy. 

Lillian

Dear Lillian,

When things get this complicated in a marriage, it is time to go back into time, to check on facts that were ignored during those heady days of meeting and falling in love. The things you accused your husband of, womanising and violence aren’t habits that can be hidden for long. No matter how perfect a man is, these things are impulsive and almost second nature to him. There is no way he would have controlled his weakness where women are concerned from you. 

The question is, why were the issues important to you then? His looks, status and marriage or the kind of person he is?

Were you more diligent in your choice and observations, you might have noticed all these things you are now complaining of. 

Problems in marriages often occur with the issues we placed as priority from the beginning. What were your priorities while both of you were dating? Did you as young girl have a master plan for now? What kind of men appealed to you then? Were your concern and dreams based on the look of the man and status of the man only? Did you ever plan for the difficult days, when he would become ugly in both looks and character? Do you have an exigency plan for when things would go the way they are going now? Did you bother to look at his person, investigate his character through those close to him? What attitude do you have concerning this marriage? What are your limits, the things you cannot tolerate in a marriage? 

Honest answers to these questions would clear some of the confusions currently enveloping you. The challenge of marriage isn’t the issues that come up from time to time but our resolve to make it work at all cost. Nobody can make up your mind for you. At every point, you must determine those things in all the challenges that are out-rightly unacceptable, manageable and tolerable. This is because our experiences, dreams and tolerant levels are different. You are the one in this marriage, the one wearing the shoes and feeling the pains of the situation in your home. At this point, the best anyone can do for you now is to encourage you to face the truth about yourself through acknowledgment of your own faults and contribution to the situation in your home. 

Despicable as his attitude is, do you in all honesty consider the entire fault his alone? There are always two sides to a coin. Amiable resolution begins with a vision of what you want to achieve. And at this critical junction, a lot would depend on you. Clearly your man has lost the will to continue with this marriage and is determined for now to let go of you so he can bring in another woman. 

This makes your situation dicey as the accusation bothers on your inability to bear him children. 

Before getting to this deplorable condition in your marriage, did both of you go for any medical tests to ascertain if the problem is from you or him? Do you know if he has ever been able to get a woman pregnant? And have you ever been pregnant?

You must adopt a very practical approach to this issue because your husband’s behaviuor is typical of most men. Once they become desperate for a child, they become coarse and very temperamental all in the bid for the woman in the house to throw in the towel. 

Fighting or nagging won’t resolve this issue at all. Even if he forever angry with you, he would have a spell of sanity, that time he is most likely to listen to you. Having lived with him for two years, you must be able to determine when he would listen to you and when he would shun you. Trying to reason with him doesn’t make you weak or accustomed to physical abuse of your person, far from it. Rather, it is to satisfy yourself that you did your best to remedy a bad situation.  Helping to gently point to the angle he may not have bothered to look, the possibility that the fault could easily come from him just as it could come from you. This is a salient point you have to use the woman in you to present to him.

To achieve results, don’t make it appear as if you are out to justify anything but out of concern for your marriage as well as to protect him from the possibility of any of these women taking advantage of his desperation to foist another man’s child on him. At this juncture, fighting won’t resolve any issue rather, a gentle spirit would. It is also in your interest you know where the problem is coming from. If both of you are certified medically okay, it means tension could be the possible culprit. Without patience, the peace and presence of God, nothing can work in any marriage. 

Your challenge isn’t peculiar. Both of you aren’t the first couple to have this kind of problem neither would you be the last. Where there is friendship, patience and understanding, two years isn’t enough for him to give up on you. 

His lack of patience with you underscores the lack of friendship between the two of you as well as an absent of the knowledge of the vow you both took on your wedding day. A friend would always stand by a friend, no matter what. If it isn’t too late, find a way of having meaningful conversation with him. The process of sustaining love is one paved with thorns and endless sacrifices. He has become a part of you which is why you must look for a weakening in him to get your message of love and support through to him.

Frankly, this isn’t something you can do on your own. You require the presence and help of God to make the difference in your marriage, to help him realise that the problem is your joint responsibility and not yours alone.

The issue of him beating you would become secondary if both of you are able to find a way of seeing the doctor and finding out where the real challenge is. 

Much as I appreciate the seeming hopelessness of your marriage, it will help you to understand that not all men are equipped to handle emotional challenges. Obviously, your husband thought making babies was a simple case of a man sleeping with his wife. Finding out that it isn’t that simple for some couples would require a lot of tolerance, especially in the face of his other women. Pray for him to experience God in that special way to make him realise that children are God’s gifts and that it takes only the grace of God for a couple to produce them. 

Frankly, this marriage is your responsibility for now. Until he comes into full contact with God, you just have to make up your mind on whether to endure the situation with the dignity you have or leave him to his own devices. Staying means you have to be brutally frank to yourself as well as ignore the negative opinions of others. People would come with all sorts of attitude but turn your face to God, who sees everything. 

Handling your home and man to God will eventually show light at the end of the day as long as you believe in God and your marriage.

Good luck. 

Re: My Husband Is Callous, Inconsiderate

Dear Elizabeth,

I believe you do not need a soothsayer to tell you what to do in this situation. The writing is clear on the wall, the man you married does not love you anymore, everything you say or do, annoys and irritates him. This might be as a result of diminishing love for you. You might have to give him space and time, get you and your children out of that house. He needs time alone to take a good look at his marriage and the woman he once loved; he needs space to feel your impact on his life. If you’ve been the good wife that you claim to be, you can be sure he’ll come begging for forgiveness.

In as much as there might be questions as to how you got married, it is irrelevant to know since the marriage contract has been signed already. It seems one of you isn’t up to it and the other party is suffering for it. You need to give each other space and time, so that you can rekindle or reignite the feelings that made you pledge your love for each other. I believe it’s still there, a lot of it on your path. As for you husband, I believe something is covering/restricting it, the active presence of his mother in your marriage life is also not helping matters.

You could also try being more of the woman he dated: young, suave, stylish, dress good, look good and feel good with yourself, this will remind him of the days when things were going so well and give him a rethink. From a man’s point of view, we always fall for a woman who knows how to take care of herself, hold her own and hold her up high. He’s probably bored seeing you in that wrapper and looking un-kempt everyday. Get yourself a makeover, a nice hairdo, some new outfit etc.  At the same time, step up your efforts in taking care of the house as you claim to, all men will fall for a beautiful woman who takes good care of the house. Chances are that he might also be going through mid-life crisis. He will need your support to get through that.

Finally, I’d advise you to take your problems to God and pray fervently about it. There is nothing our God cannot do. I really hope that your marriage gets the desired peace and love that you crave. Nobody wants a broken home.

Mic.

Dear Agatha, 

I am writing in response to the advice you provided to the distressed lady. The case you addressed last week.

 I am not particularly happy with the advice given for the following reasons.

This lady is being verbally abused which in most cases is worse than physical abuse. It strips the lady of self-confidence FAST! As she stated in her story, he makes her feel worthless by denying any responsibility for the problems in her marriage.

He wishes her dead as he asked her why she survived her last pregnancy.

His mother treats her like dirt with the husband’s approval and in front of her children! How can you then advise someone in this condition to keep receiving this wickedness? Is it fair? Her children are watching and are learning that this is how marriages are meant to be and this is how the cycle of domestic violence continues even to the children.

This woman needs help! She needs to get away from the situation and the husbands need to get help and counselling. As she said, they knew she didn’t speak the local dialect when he married her. Why should that now be her fault? Please realise that the advice you give is read by a number of people who may be in the same circumstance. This trend of African women accepting domestic violence needs to end! Enough is Enough!

 Ibianbo Ogan.

My Man Enters Extra-marital Deal…

Dear Agatha,

I am in a terrible fix. I discovered my husband is having an affair. So many things have been going in my mind. A part of me wants me to end the marriage of six years with two children while another part of me says I should fight on. 

The thing is that I am demoralised by the knowledge that he is sleeping with another woman because I happen to love this man so much. 

If I had been told by anyone that he would ever have an affair, I would be the first to deny it but here I am with a copy of the text message he sent the lady as well as her response. 

I have tried to rationalise what could have led him to it, I have found none. I try to please him as best as I can and when I have to work late, I inform him and make arrangements for the house-help to get his meals ready. 

Because I am a product of a broken home, I try as best to avoid the mistakes my mother made in her home and handling of her husband. So, Agatha, I really don’t know where I went wrong and why he would choose to disgrace my love by going out with another woman. 

It is painful, humiliating and embarrassing. Honestly, if not for the text message, I wouldn’t have known anything because he is still his loving self, comes home at his usual time. 

I really don’t have a clue of why he is dating another woman. Agatha, why me? My best friend thinks it has to do with my passive and shy nature. He has always been the outgoing kind but I don’t, I prefer to stay at home all day. Please help me before I go insane.

Agonising Wife.

Dear Agonising Wife, 

I empathise with you. Discovering that the partner you trust with your whole heart and love so much is cheating on you can be very painful and humiliating no doubt. But to want to quit your home on account of this is foolishness. You would only be quitting for this woman to come in. It makes good sense for you to stay and fight for your man because men no matter the shape they are in, creed, colour and orientation are prone to having affairs outside their homes. Except for the grace of God, every man is susceptible to falling for the temptations most single women represent. 

What you need most at this point in time are prayers to defeat the challenges the other woman presents to the happiness of your home. To fight or nag your husband is to send him further into the arms of the other woman. Don’t give him or the other woman the satisfaction of achieving the aim both of them went into the relationship. That you are not fighting doesn’t mean you are not hurting or that you are weak, far from it, just a show of wisdom fuelled by determination to make your marriage work at all cost.

If you must know, only a very few women can honestly claim that they haven’t got their husbands at the wrong side of the bridge. You don’t have the patent for this kind of challenge. A lot of women have learnt to look the other way first for the sake of their children and for the preservations of their homes. The first lesson in all this is to accept the basic fact that from the ancient time, men have been polygamists. Like butterflies, many of them take delight in sampling all the beautiful flowers. It is a primeval thing one every woman going into marriage should prepare herself for psychologically. Preparing for it doesn’t make it right but it helps the woman to hurt less when it happens. 

Candidly, if you are serious about not having a broken home, stop justifying yourself and look critically at what possible reasons he may have for this relationship. Sometime, the little things we ignore are the real worms eating at our happiness in life. Granted that sometimes, men do not have any reason to go into these affairs but one or two things seemingly insignificant things may make them seek the warmth of another woman. Yes, it may be unfair since women too have one or two things to complain about in their marriages as well as in their men. However the reality on ground is that the society has an unwritten rule that has sympathy for men when these kinds of issues come up. 

To help win him back without fighting him, can you remember the particular thing he likes most about you? The one thing he has kept emphasising on about you, that extra special thing he finds irresistible in you? Can you remember? If you do, do you still have it, improved on it, and kept it valuable for him? Negligence too can cost a woman her husband’s love. When she persistently ignores that thing he holds in the highest esteem about her. 

Many a time, in the process of motherhood and keeping the home, many women forget that before they became mothers and housekeepers, they were first women, desired objects of their husbands. Every man wants a woman he can be proud of, put on his front shelve to his delight. Call it vanity but that is the reality of life. No matter how ugly a woman is, to the man who married her, she has something very special that no other woman has. 

To lose or neglect that thing is to akin to losing the man because men are natural wanderers. If you cannot recall what precisely it is, go down memory lane to that kind of hairstyle, dress, perfume, poise as well as attitude that got him in those early days to take a second look at you or put on all his plans for the day. 

You need to help him keep in mind all those good things he has forgotten about you. 

At home, if you can, take the children to spend the weekend with a close family friend or your siblings. This is to give you and your husband an exclusive time at home. Give him a surprise romantic dinner in your home complete with a mood setting music and in the meanest nightgown that leaves a little bit to the imagination. Saturate the entire room with his favourite perfume, the idea is to leave a memorial in both his brain and mind. So whenever he is with the other lady, memories of what you did to him would keep popping up in his mind’s eyes, making it difficult for him to concentrate on whatever the other lady is saying or doing. 

While you groom yourself back to action, invest on him by buying him gifts, perfumes as well as all the little exotic things he likes. Be careful not to mention anything about the other woman, this could be counterproductive. Improve on your human relationships with him by showing him more respect than you are currently doing. Get interested in his business, hobbies and interest. Take time out to invite him to his favourite sports zone. Plan a family picnic. Whether you like it or not, you have to get interested in his hobbies else you leave that flank opened in your marriage for any mischievous woman to take advantage of. 

Granted that marriage isn’t always about an individual but with the challenge you are facing as well as the threat of another woman taking over one’s home, a wise woman must master the act of putting the interest of her husband over her own. Should you fail to accompany him on his outings, take interest in his hobbies, another woman would and once they are able to form a team outside you, it would be very difficult for the woman inside to break into the formation unless she is wise, smart and prayerful. 

You just have to bury your sense of betrayal, embarrassment and humiliation to gain back your home. 

Again, you must look at the spiritual aspect. Trying to avoid what your mother did wrong in her marriage isn’t enough. You must be ready to rebuke any power that wants you to tow the path of your mother in marriage. You must pray relentlessly for God’s intervention in your marriage. In your opinion your husband has no reason to go into this affair. Then spiritually, something beyond him could be propelling him against his will just to ensure you don’t escape from the paths of the family foundations and controlling powers your families have chosen for you.  The ‘why me,’ attitude won’t help you at all. Taking charge spiritually and physically of your home and life is the only way out. 

Prayers will bring him back while your attitude and disposition would keep him permanently by your side. The fact that he still comes back home at his usual time is clue enough that he loves you and may be doing it without knowing what he is doing.

Good luck.