My Family Detests His Proposal Like Plague

Dear Agatha,

I am 24 years of age; into a relationship that is almost four years old. He is only six months older than I am. The grouse is that nobody in my family is in support of the relationship. Initially I ignored the position of my siblings, but my guardian of 20 years has also come out to vehemently kick against the relationship. Even my boyfriend's elder brother is also against the relationship.

We are currently also not on speaking terms. Although he has asked me to marry him, I declined the offer due to the possible fear of what my siblings would do to him or me should we carry on the relationship. My elder brother who got winds of his proposal has threatened to beat him up if he hears about such nonsense again.

Agatha, I don't know if I should ignore my siblings and my guardian's position and go ahead to marry him. For four years now, my guardian has been promising to sponsor my desire to go further in my education, but nothing has come of the promise. Should I go ahead or end the relationship? Sincerely speaking, I am confused.

Mercy.

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Dear Mercy,

Why are they all against your relationship with this man? What is the common theme of their objection? Has it got anything to do with his personality, attitude or presentation of himself? There must be something very important that warrants their complaints. What is it? If you were to objectively score this man, what grade would you give him? And if he weren't your boyfriend, would you agree with what members of your family are saying about him?

I ask these questions to help broaden your views about what is happening and to open your eyes to the real issues at stake.

Having dated him for four years, do you agree with all or some of the issues being touted by these people?

Because this issue involves your life, it is in your interest you tell the truth about the situation to forestall regrets and pains later in life.

There is usually no smoke without fire. Something must have warranted even your guardian of 20 years to have voiced an opinion on this matter. Even your letter is silent on your feelings for him; suggesting that your relationship is not too perfect as one would have expected a relationship that has endured four years. For you to have expressed a desire to end the love-deal is enough evidence on its own to underline the presence of problems.

To determine whether your family is right in its disapproval, ask yourself if this man would make you a very happy woman and if you would be able to withstand him in the years to come especially against the background of what you know of him?

It is only when you are convinced that he is the right man for you that you can muster the strength to withstand your family's combined pressure. You are confused about this man because you lack a clear idea of what you want in life and the type of man you need in your life to help you accomplish your dreams.

So, it is not so much of what others are saying about your man, but what you don't know you want. Once you are able to deal with your own wants, desires and focus on precision; get a clearer picture of whether this man is the right man or not would emerge. With that would come the strength or realisation to either move on with him or look for the right man that would help your dream in life.

Four years aren't four days. If your relationship with him had been properly structured from the beginning, both of you by now must have built sufficient trust in your abilities to know without doubts if he is the right one or not for you.

That you have doubts is an indication that your four years together were spent doing other things rather than growing the relationship. Had both of you done the right things, no matter what others feel about both of you, something deep inside you should point you at the right direction. Not as if there is a relationship that is completely perfect, but for the simple reason that you know so many things about him which people not close to him don't know.

To help you situate things, go to your family and ask them as gently as you can, why they think this man is wrong for you. In your interest, don't go with the mind of fighting or arguing every point they make against him. Instead, listen to them; they may have observed certain things you haven't bothered to consider because of your closeness to him. Reflect on what they have said, and observations you know are not true, explain with all the patience in the world the things you know about him. Don't paint him in saintly apparel. Admit his faults and let them know that like all of them complaining, nobody is perfect. The ones you doubt be honest enough to admit them, and give them (your family) the assurances that you would investigate them all. And the ones that are simply malicious or frivolous, let them know precisely what you think about them too, without raising your voice in anger.

Remember these people are on your side and only want the best for you, so it would not be in your interest to alienate them from your affairs completely, not because you don't know what you want but for that day when things might not be so rosy in your relationship. A day would come in your relationship when you would need the comfort of a familiar hand to help you through a difficult patch. It is for days like these, you must not completely shut out your family from your affairs.

Doubtlessly, you have every right at your age to take decisions for yourself, but all avenues must first be exploited, to reconcile your man with them.

If the little difference in your age is one of the reasons your family is against the relationship, it is only a matter of telling them what you and your man discussed on the issue. That is, if you have both considered it an issue to be discussed at all.

If their concern is genuine, they would let the issue die a natural death once you are able to convince them about your willingness to stick with him irrespective of your age disparity.

But it is an issue you must discuss with your man if you both have never done that. Both of you must appreciate that a lot of sacrifices and responsibilities come with this type of arrangement. You, in particular, must appreciate that your ages put you both at par on the issue of providing the basic structure in your drive to begin a life together. You must be willing to meet him halfway, since he doesn't have the head provided by age to provide those things a woman or her family regard as basic sign of a man's readiness for marriage.

The pressure it puts on you is to ensure you stay in shape to avoid providing him an excuse on a platter of gold to stray from home.

On the issue of your guardian, using your relationship with this man as an excuse for him not to sponsor your education, don't bother. If he hadn't done that before now, he is only looking for an excuse to justify his inability to fulfill his promise; it has nothing to do with your interest in this man.

Whatever happens, learn to pray earnestly before taking a decision because issues that look so complex today may not be so exaggerated tomorrow.

Good luck.

My Dream Girl Is A Lesbian...

Dear Agatha,

I am a 20 year old undergraduate in love with a girl who is a year or two younger than I am. I know I love her because I can tell when I am in love or lust.

But there is a huge problem, she is a lesbian. She disclosed this to me on the day I asked her out. We stay in the same area and have been friends for over eight months. I first got attracted to her on account of her friendly attitude before I fell in love with her.

After much pleading on my part, she agreed to date me but was worried how she would cope with me and her female friend at the same time.

I assured her this aspect of her didn't bother me now nor would it bother me in the future since my interest in her includes changing her for the better.

She told me my mission to change her wasn't going to be easy but I was determined since I love her very much and was convinced that she was misled into it.

I love her but I have never dealt with any issue of this nature and, to be candid, I don't even know where to start. Please advise me on what to do, because I am confused.

We have been together in my bedroom for some hours, but not for once did I have the urge to approach her for sex, not even when I kiss her. This is why I am so sure I love her. I really don't want to rush anything.

However, I am worried that she could still be having fun with her lesbian partners. I know I should be spending quality time with her, but what do you think will happen when I am off to school? How do I combine my school and this assignment, because my school is as important as my life?

Worried Guy.

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Dear Worried Guy,

Like you said it isn't going to be easy getting her off this addiction. Like all other addictions, you would need to be patient, trusting, caring, and understanding even when it is obvious that she has slipped.

If you are going to help her, you must learn to be strong. There is no way you can offer her quality help if you are burdened by worries and anxieties over her going back to her old ways.

Understand one basis thing about life; old habits are the most difficult to kill especially if the desire to change is coming from the pressures of another person. Her transformation can only be processed at the pace you expect if the desire to change is coming from her. Until you came into her life, she didn't have the need to change neither did she see anything out of the ordinary with her sexual preference.

That you are not condemning or loathsome is the best attitude and the major way you can earn her trust and respect. She has to learn to trust and respect you to make her change from her ways. Once you are her friend, you would not want to do anything to hurt you. But you also have to appreciate that she isn't the only one you are against. She has partners and other members of the cult who, like you, want her.

To know how to help, you have to know the powers they have over her. This is important to enable plan your strategy; know how to checkmate them effectively. It would also help you know if you need the help of a trustworthy friend or sibling of hers who isn't a member of the cult.

Since she trusts you enough to give you information about herself, ask her how she got initiated into it. Demand to know who among her current partners did the initiation. It is also necessary you know what her position is in the cult and what role she plays, female or male. If she is the female, she is the weak chain and could easily be pressured into submission by the aggressive members of the cult hence her need to change her location. You must also know how far she has gone because usually there is a network, a kind of ring.

By the time she tells you all you need to know about her and her friends; you would be better informed about the strength of opposition as well as her own willingness to help you effect the change.

In questioning her, ensure you also know what she likes as a person and woman. Pry into her dream before and after she became a lesbian. It is also imperative you know why she went into it and what measure of fulfillment she is getting from it. Ask her if she has had sex with a man before; if yes, demand to know how she finds the two experiences compared to the last time she had sex with a member of the opposite sex. If she went into it while she was in school; possibly an all girls school, then she had it all laid out for her by crafty seniors who guise as caring school mothers. To help get her on tract, you have to deploy the same methods of care, gifts, interest in her, true friendship to wean her of a habit she got into when she was still a greenhorn and very innocent of the implication.

The timetable must be flexible as well as of a long span. Depending on her thinking, she has to see you not as the monster and heart breakers men were presented to her but a human being capable of making mistakes too. For this reason, you must be careful about the promises you are making. Don't give her the impression that you have all the aces. Let her know that she must learn to take her chance in life despite the promises of pains and disappointment it offers. Be careful too not to be too condemning of her act so that she doesn't run away from you altogether. Don't forget that this is the only form of security she has as of now. So, while trying to change her, don't do anything that would make her consider you as an enemy instead of the friend you are trying to be.

But if she went into it for the excitement, glitz or out of a desire to belong to her friends' club, be tactical. You have to learn how to be a diplomat because for her the methods used in weaning the one who got into it when she was still very young and naÔve may not work well with her.

The magic might well be into getting her to be interested in your friends; both male and females you know have normal sexual habit. This would work well if you have all the time in the world to introduce her to your world but since you would soon be leaving for school, surround her with friends who would ensure she stays on track. Friends, who would go out of their way to befriend her, show her something different from the one she is used to.

One thing is clear; you can only help her if she is willing to help herself. No matter how tolerant, selfless, caring, understanding and patient you are, if she refuses to change there is little or nothing you can do about her.

The most important way to help her is to pray her out of the ugly habit. Only God can help you achieve your dream with her.

Good luck.

My Balloon Boobs Mock Me, Dream Man Too

Dear Agatha,

I am endowed with very big breasts, and I am ashamed of this mountainous chest. My boyfriend is also uncomfortable with the size of my breasts. What do I do to reduce them and be free from the burden of going about with extra large cups? Please help me out?

Jane.

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Dear Jane,

The only help I know is to encourage you to be proud of who you are and what God has given you. Your boyfriend has no reason to complain or be uncomfortable about your size of breasts because he saw them before wooing you. To now turn around to complain about such obvious thing is simply looking for an excuse to end the relationship.

If he wants to go, let him go but don't allow him or anybody take away your self-esteem. It is important you keep it intact because that is the only way to be happy with yourself.

Of course, you have the option of going through surgery but how far that goes in making you happy depends on your own understanding and acceptability of what happiness means.

You could decide to go through the surgeon's knife and end up a psychological wreck because you might not be happy with the new you.

Life is about defining our own values. Why do you want them off? What makes you so ashamed of them? Is it the opinions of others, or because they draw attention to you?

No matter the size you have (big or small), people would always talk. It is the nature of human beings to talk and assume they have your best interest at heart. Nobody can love you more than you love yourself. When anybody including your boyfriend makes reference to your endowment, tell them you are proud of them because they make you unique. By the time a lot of people know that you are happy at who you are, they would stop referring to them. Besides, you also have to be wise on the motive of those making fun of you. Some of them are simply out to make you feel self-conscious out of malice and jealousy for what you have which they want.

They are your breasts, your gifts, and your pride as a woman. They may be big but they are part of who you are; the things that make you so special to those whose love for you are pure.

What you should concentrate on is the packaging of them. Go for firm and very strong supportive bras that mould them perfectly. Mercifully, bra designers are now making them sexy too; no longer the drab looking designs of yesteryears. There are some good bra shops who offer professional help and advice on how you can help keep your breasts in perfect looking shapes. God knew from the beginning that you can carry them well, which is why He gave them to you. With the right kind of clothes and accessories, you may not even notice them.

Your self-consciousness may actually come from putting on the right clothes. Being bold and beautiful, don't wear clothes that cling too much on your chest. Body hugs, clinging materials would also emphasis what you are trying to hide.

If you don't know what to wear, go to plus-size shops for help. And if you are in Lagos, feel free to come down to our head-office; 7D Wempco Road, Ogba. It would be our pleasure to help you to become happy with yourself.

Good luck.

Can Woman Lose Virginity Without Sex?

Dear Agatha,

Some years ago, I noticed some white substances coming from my private part. Worried, I dipped my finger inside my person just to get rid of the white substance only for me to see blood later coming out of my virginal. Could that mean the loss of my virginity?

Another problem is whenever I shave my pubic hair; I usually develop boils on my private part. What cream can I use to get rid of the boils? I am 15 years of age.

Princess.

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Dear Princess,

The virginal is never without secretion at any particular time. Secretions in the virginal are defined by the woman's monthly cycle or her nature.

Common colours are grayish white or clear. The cells come from the vaginal lining and fluid from the vagina and the cervix. It often gets thin at mid cycle of the menses because the cervical mucous is thin and copious if ovulation has taken place.

In the second semester of the cycle it becomes thickened and sometimes clumpy under the effect of progesterone. These are all normal mechanisms to help a woman become pregnant at the mid cycle time of ovulation. It is also to bar the cervix in the second half of the cycle so that if a pregnancy occurs, there won't be any infection that might occur through the virginal.

If the cervical mucous is clear or white, not yellowish, there usually is not an infection that needs treatment. Your milky white discharge is normal. It represents cervical and vaginal secretions that contain old vaginal wall cells.

Provided there is no vulvar burning or itching, there is nothing to worry about.

There is the likelihood that if you inserted your fingers too deep into your virginal, you may have broken your hymen, a very fragile mucous that covers the virginal. It could get broken through tough exercises or through the use of a tampon. Once this seal is broken, some people assume a woman is no longer a virgin, but technically you are still a virgin because no man has penetrated your body, which means your passage is still intact.

But since the blood is the only physical evidence a lot of men use in classifying who is a virgin or not, make sure you tell any man you intend getting married to the truth concerning the state of your body. It pays to prepare the mind of the man so he doesn't think you deliberately lied to him about being a virgin when the evidence of your body says you are not. But if he was told from the beginning about the development that led to the broken seal, he would understand.

As for the boils, these are normal occurrence when some people shave with blades or shaving sticks. You can terminate them by soaking spirit in cotton wool and dabbing it over the surface of your pubic area. The alcohol in the spirit helps to prevent any infection that might have come from exposing the hair roots to common bacteria. Spirit not only disinfects the exposed hair roots but also helps to seal it up immediately, therefore preventing any possibility of infection.

Using hair removing cream helps prevent boils. Go to any chemist and ask for any feminine hair removing cream. There are lots of brands in the market and they are all good.

Good luck.

Claims He Loves Me And His Ex-girlfriend

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your motherly advice.

I wrote to you some time last year, and the reply was published on December 22, 2008. In that letter I complained about my boyfriend whom I have been dating for some months now. If you will recall I said he told me about the lady he was about to marry but left him when he was having cash problems. Because the lady kept disturbing him with calls, which he seems disposed to, I became agitated.

Since he promised to sort out the issue with the lady during the Christmas holiday, you advised I waited until he came back before taking a decision to avoid me being labelled by him as not trusting him enough.

I adhered to your advice but latest development has left me more confused than before.

While in his village during the Christmas period he never called. I was unable to reach him either. Anytime I dialed his number, I was told it wasn’t available. It was not until January 3rd, that I got a call from him that he was close to my village and headed for my house.

Apprehensive at the possible reactions of my father at his sudden presence in my house as well as the fact that I should meet his people first before him meeting mine, I lied about my whereabouts. When he came back on January 6th, I asked him about the other lady; he told me that they had not reconciled, even though his mother wants him to accept her back. He confessed that the lady spent some days in their house.

Immediately he said that, I asked him what he wanted from me since it was obvious that the lady is still very much part of his life. He pleaded for time for us to get to know each other very well.

A few days after, he showed me the lady’s picture. I discovered he has done all the traditional things a man does on the woman he wants to marry; including payment of dowry. The only ceremony left for them to do is just the white wedding. He also told me that the mother called him to inform him that the lady in question is pregnant for him.

Although he denies being responsible for the pregnancy, but from the look of things, it seems his mind is still very much with the lady, despite his claims not to be interested in her anymore. I say this because since we have been together, he has not introduced me to any of his friends or relatives.

Please Agatha, I am confused and need your motherly advice so that I will not make a greatest mistake of my life.

Confused lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

There is nothing ambiguous about this situation that should leave you confused. Under over native laws and customs, this man is married to the other woman despite his denial to you.

The pressure of the mother combined with the fact that she has the freedom to sleep over in his family house shows that she is well known to the family.

Don’t allow the man deceive you into having a doomed relationship with him. Whatever issues he had with the lady in the past have been neutralised with her being pregnant. Whether he is the father of the expected baby or not is immaterial. What is important is that this woman is pregnant and she says it is for him. And since he allowed her spend the holidays in his house something must have happened between them during that period for the lady to have the confidence to place the pregnancy on him. He can only be sure he isn’t the father of the coming baby if he didn’t take the opportunity of her stay in his family house to make love to her.

If he is claiming not to be the father, ask him if he slept with her during the holiday period or the last time he slept with her. Chances are that he is saying he isn’t the father of this child to make you stay with him. Don’t give in to him irrespective of what he says because to do that would amount to destroying another woman’s home.

For the woman to have the boldness and freedom to spend the holiday in his family house shows that they have resolved whatever made her leave him. Ordinarily the story he told you about this woman should be enough a reason for him to run a far distance from her, or you think you stand a chance with him but the dynamism between the man and woman in most cases defy explanations. He may have started dating you with good intentions of having something permanent with you but it is clear that something really special about that woman may not make it work out fine between the two of you.

Time must have cleared all the debris of the emotional pains he suffered when she walked away from him when things were rough for him. Things like that usually happen in a relationship when one party feels the need for clean fresh air when the relationship appears stifling. We all do that sometimes. She may have left at that time for a different reason than the one he thought as at that time. He may have found out why she did what she did to make him change his mind about her.

Besides, he may have been persuaded by superior reasons to overlook her drawback. Relationships go through difficult times. What happened to them is necessary for them to move beyond the point where they were. Such incidents enable a couple to test their strength of love as well as character. Having gone through this crisis successfully, the two of them are now better equipped to deal with other challenges without it degenerating to this level. This is what such experience does for a relationship. It helps to grow it and it won’t be in your interest to be among the tools to be used by this man to build his relationship.

It is really not in your interest to allow yourself to be dragged into this. Whatever he feels or doesn’t feel; it isn’t any of your business. Frankly, you are an intruder in this relationship and have no place with this man. Don’t allow anything he says about this other woman influence you into staying with him. He isn’t for you and would never be. With you in his life, he won’t be able to give his wife and coming child the attention they both deserve because the time he would have spent with them would be shared by you.

When a man is looking for a reason or excuse to justify his intentions, he would stop at nothing to ensure he attains his goals. He desires from you a relationship, but let him know that friendship is the only thing you can offer him right now and that to expect anything more from you would not only be unfair to you and the other woman as well.

Allow him be so that the man God has designed for you can have the freedom to come freely into your life.

Good luck.

At 44, Still Not Man Enough To Face Tomorrow

Dear Agatha,

I am 38 in a relationship with a man who is 44. Our relationship is almost 18 years old. It has gone through a lot of challenges; survived unfaithfulness on his part, endured painful choices as well as decisions, suffered set backs occasioned by the rejections of his parents over the choice of me as his woman, triumphed such rejections and difficult times.

For me, it has not been easy coping with him because he has been and remains his mother's son. Even as she clocks 75, she is still very much in control of his life. Because of the love I have for him I have learnt to cope. Besides, after 18 years, where do I begin again?

Twice we proposed to marry but the first date was cancelled by his mother who insisted, we didn't give her enough time to prepare; the second time was also cancelled because it conflicted with the elder sister's wedding plans. Between the times, we have been dating till date, I have taken in thrice and had all of them aborted on his insistence. The last one was particularly a painful decision for me because I thought he would be happy but he came up with the same old excuse of not wanting to have a child outside wedlock and how his mother would never approve of him having a child outside wedlock.

There was nothing I didn't do or say to make him allow me to keep the baby and since I didn't want a baby nobody but me would love, I consented to his request but not without allowing him to see my hurt, doubts and pains.

Now, I am pregnant again and he is telling me to abort it. Again! Our wedding is fixed for December this year. He wants me to wait until after the wedding before getting pregnant.

That he is asking me to abort it is not the news but that it would affect our wedding plans if I don't since his mother would never allow him marry me once I go against her wish of having a baby before the wedding date.

At 38, going to 39, I am nearing my end of reproductive years. I cannot afford to abort this pregnancy again. What is causing me so much pain is his refusal to even consider my point of view. For the 18 years we have been together, I have heard nothing but my mother says and my mother thinks. What about what I feel, say or think? Don't my feelings matter at all?

Being an ardent reader of your column, I have learnt to be patient and sacrifice like you always preach but it seems it is not working at all. I am so confused since her mother has refused to talk to me following my insistence that I want to keep the pregnancy.

Haven't I been patient enough? We are both well educated and have good jobs. There is nothing we cannot afford to buy or do with our money but he seems very scared of making any form of commitment to me.

I have tried finding out what the problem is? All our friends we started out together in life are all married and having children, some of whom are already in the university. I feel so ancient and fearful that this relationship may not work out at all because he doesn't seem to have a mind of his own.

My family, particularly my mother is fed up. She thinks this relationship is doomed and that I should quit with the pregnancy which she says is my compensation for the number of years I have wasted on him. She is also worried that he is under a strong spiritual warfare that would never allow me to enjoy the marriage even if I force myself on the man.

I am so confused and don't know what to do about the situation. All our friends that have tried to talk to him have gone away very disappointed at him. He insists I must first abort the pregnancy before he can talk to me. When asked why, he says, that is what his mother wants. How can I get over this? How do I battle a mother who has refused to let her son grow into a man of his own at 44? How do I continue to love a man who doesn't care about me or what I feel?

Please help me before I become insane with worry and pain. Where do I begin the process of a relationship again at 38? Their father died when my boyfriend and his other two sisters where very young. In fact, he died when his younger sister was only three days old. So there is nobody I can go and report her to as none of their father's people or hers come around her because of her attitude.

Tutu.

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Dear Tutu,

Believe me when I say I understand every squeeze of pain you are going through. But this I can tell you with the confidence of one who has been through very difficult times and have survived; that God is very much in charge and knows how to turn this around to your favour some day, and very soon.

The worst kind of thing that can happen to any woman is to have a man who has refused to leave the nest of his mother. Mothers would always fret over their children but the decision to grow up or not is entirely the child's to make. You cannot blame the mother of your man for his refusal to grow. He is hanging on to his mother's apron string because he is afraid of responsibility. He is only using his mother to shy away from answering to his duties as a man or father.

If he were that afraid of his mother's opinion, how come he is able to make love to you without fear of being scolded by his mother? Since his mother is determined not to have a grandchild outside wedlock, she should have insisted he remained a virgin until he grows matured enough to marry.

At 38 going to 39, you are right to be apprehensive because the biological clock of the woman diminishes every new day. At your age, you don't have too many choices but to keep this child. Because we are not God and don't know what tomorrow holds, this could be your 'last chance' at getting pregnant in life. And with a mother like his there is no telling what would happen if you are unable to get pregnant on demand by the time they are ready. With people who like playing God with the lives of other people, there is no telling what harm and mischief they can do when things are not going their way.

Since you have the financial stability to care for yourself and the baby, the best thing is for you to allow him be. I know all about the pains associated with wondering if a particular decision is the right one but I assure you, until this man grows up to face his challenges as well as responsibilities as a man, there is little you can do to make him change. Any attempt to force him to grow up before he is ready would only injure you the more. Until he is ready to grow up there is nothing you can do to make him do what he is expected to do at his age.

And, if what you say about his mother is anything to go by, he won't be ready until after the death of his mother. It would take persistent prayers on your part to make him realise he is under the bondage of his mother.

So, you have two choices to leave him for now until the spell is broken or insist on staying in his life, while you engage the powers determined to destroy his life in a spiritual battle. To do this, you must be strong in prayers as well as bury all fears of all challenges that come from such spiritual encounters.

In fairness to the mother, she may have been made blind to the destruction she is bringing on her son. In an ideal situation, no mother would want her 44-year old son to be unmarried and without a family at his age. A normal mother would go out of her way to ensure a woman engages him at all cost, not to encourage the destruction of an 18 year old relationship that should have ended in marriage long before now. To think she is even supporting the son to terminate pregnancies in such a relationship leaves much to be desired.

How prepared are you to battle these complexities in a spiritual warfare? Are you convinced that he is under some sort of spell like your mother suggested?

Before you go into this battle, if that is the choice you have made, let me underscore one important point: the influence of the mother over her child is always too strong to ignore. When a mother is determined to sit atop her child's affairs, it would take the special grace of God to unseat her because of her biological role in the life of a child. So, hers is a different kind of spiritual influence hence the battle stronger than the average battle. Not only did she carry him in her womb for nine months, but she gave him his milk of life.

Your man's mother may not necessarily have any other power but her natural powers over her children are more than enough challenge for any woman who wants to marry her son to contend with. Besides, having played the role of a father and mother for too long, she has gone past the borderline of caution, and of letting go. The battle would have been easier for you to fight if your man is matured enough to make the distinction between his mother and his life; if he were able to tell his mother what point she is allowed to interfere in his life and the areas she must keep her opinions to herself.

Sincerely, this is a very complex battle which may not be worth it at the end of the day especially if the mother has influenced her eldest daughter too, to continue in her attitude. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed, not endured. To force yourself on this man against the wishes of God, is simply to make yourself suffer emotional hardships.

Forget the number of years you have put in, much as it hurts, you cannot undo the past. Concentrate on having this child and giving it the best you can afford. A day would come in the future when this man would realise the damage his mother has caused him and come back to you.

Your hope is not with anyone but with God. Go to Him in prayers. He would definitely compensate you. Knowing the end from the beginning, He sees what you don't see and why He wants things to go this way. Despite your pains, celebrate the mercy as well as the gift of this child. When God is ready to make you smile, your age would not matter to the plans He has for you.

Good luck.

Before I Lose My Parlour-lover To Intruder Lady

Dear Agatha,

I have got a problem with my boyfriend who lives in the same compound as me. For a long time, he pressured me into dating him. Eventually I agreed to a relationship with him leading to his deflowering me.

There is this particular lady who comes to visit him but he told me she is simply a friend but she stays up to one week when she visits.

This development is hurting me more than I ever imagined because I love him so much. As things are now between us, I don't know what to do; whether to leave him or continue to endure the situation. Please help me!

Hurting Heart.

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Dear Hurting Heart,

You took a gamble at love and lost it. This man has no intention of leaving the other lady for you. If he had, he wouldn't encourage the other lady to come visit him, let alone stay for several days in his house. That he sees nothing wrong in harbouring the other lady in his apartment for all to see, underscores his feelings for you or how much you are hurt by the development.

A man who doesn't care how his actions hurt you or what you feel isn't worth investing your love on. He would only end up hurting you the more.

You obviously didn't investigate him very well or simply took his words of love on the literary level. Besides, being in the same compound should have given you a notion about him, had you listened to the voice of reasons. Since there is no way you can lie about not knowing another woman exists in his life. This lady is certainly not a recent development. From the grounds she has covered, it is crystal clear she existed before you, something you knew about because you share the same compound.

If you want to be truthful, you thought giving him your virginity would give you the ace over this lady; edge her out for you to come in. I agree you may truly be in love with him but I doubts if the feeling is reciprocal.

Frankly, you would have had reasons to fight because the choice to sleep with him or not was one you made of your own freewill. You had the option of declining his pressure like some girls do but you offered him yourself because you wanted, you cannot hold him to it or expect it to make the difference in the way he feels about you or the other woman, for that matter.

If you are honest enough to examine your motive for granting him access into your body, you would realise that he didn't take what you didn't offer him neither did he have to get you to compromise your womanhood on false promises. You did mean it as a bride, a form of pressure to make him do your bidding. Not every man is scrupulous enough to resist such temptation. The majority of men would jump at such an offer with joy, not because they intend it to cause pains but because men are hunters by nature. They have nothing to protect whereas the woman has everything to lose, hence woman protects all. If there is an underlining lesson here, it is not to attempt to bribe your way to a man's heart with your body. It is the woman that ends up the victim.

I appreciate that you are hurting so much but the best you can do for yourself now is to allow him and his other woman be. While we can lie to others, it is only the foolish mind that lies to him or herself.

Move on. Like I said earlier, you took a gamble which didn't work out. It takes more than virginity to keep a relationship well-oiled. Staying on would only demean you the more. When the right man comes, you won't labour to keep him interested in you.

Good luck.

At 35, Can He Endure More Years Before Marriage?

Dear Agatha,

I am 21 years of age and have benefited tremendously from reading your responses daily. There is a man presently in my life who is deeply in love with me and who I am also in love with. He has asked me to marry him and I told him to hold on till I am in my 300 Level in the university.

Presently, I am waiting to be admitted into the Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria.

Agatha, he has given me the assurances that he would not stop me from pursuing my education after our marriage.

What do you think I should do? He is determined not to leave me no matter the circumstances.

My other major worry is that he is 35 years of age. Don't you think he is too old for me?

Joy.

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Dear Joy,

Beyond your desire to have a good education, what are your real fears? Sometimes, the excuse we give may not be the real reason we are apprehensive of a situation. Is the age difference between the two of you the real reason you are hesitant?

Having a clear and honest picture of what the real issues are remains the only way for you to resolve this puzzle in your life.

For some people, love may not be the essential for them. Other considerations may overshadow what they feel. In your case, you are worried about the huge age differences.

Can you deal with that? Can you cope with the insinuation people always give when a young girl is dating an older man? Are you apprehensive that you may only get to discover your true self after you enter the university and that being married to this man, would put paid to any desire to explore your true nature?

Deep down, do you really love him, more than enough to ignore whatever others think or say due to his age? To parade him as you would do to a younger man nearer your age group without feeling all eyes are judging or laughing at your choice? To laugh with him and at him without fearing that you may have hurt his pride? To give him all the respect he deserves despite being involved with you?

Do you love him for himself or for the things you are getting from him? What do you love most about him? Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? When you look at him do you see a man who is 14 years older than you or the ideal man of your dream, a timeless man who would keep you ever happy?

Ideally, once he has given you his word that he wouldn't interfere with your desire to have a good education and ready to give you all his support after marriage, you should not be apprehensive at all.

That is if you trust each other well enough and are willing to endure the inconveniencies of managing and growing a family in addition to going to school. For you in particular it isn't going to be a bed of roses which means you must be prepared from this early stage to learn the rudiments of effective combinations of all your duties perfectly.

In rejecting his proposal it is pertinent you consider his age. At 35, he doesn't have the luxury of time for him to wait for you to get admission, get to 300 Level before you think of marriage. If things go according to your plan, that is a total of four years. Add these to his 35 years of age and it brings his years to 39 which could be more if your admission quest into the university doesn't fall through. By the time the babies start coming he would be well into middle age. You would only be robbing the children and him of the number of years they ought to have together.

His concern for the future, the welfare of the children could be why he is insisting on him getting married to you now besides the uncertain of the future. He is the one who stands to lose more if this relationship falls apart because not only does he have no age on his part, it would take a long time for him to settle down sufficiently with a lady before he can talk of marrying her.

Sincerely, you are the one with all the aces in this relationship. Should this relationship collapse today, you still have more than enough time to begin again and still clock quality time tending to the children.

If you love this man, don't be rigid. You have to make certain sacrifices for him too. Telling you he would allow you continue your education is his sacrifice to this relationship. Don't forget too that like you, the age difference is also bothering him. Until the day you officially becomes his, he would continue to nurse a secret fear within him. Besides, seeing some of his mates already settled with their own families is a sort of psychological pressure on its own. We get to an age when the loneliness closes in, when all we want is the warmth and presence of our own family. He is at that delicate age when loneliness mocks and with his fiancÈe 14 years his junior, you can bet the jibes and sneers of those around him. Many people are simply waiting for a chance to tell him 'I told you this relationship won't work.'

Insisting you have to go that far in the university only help to make him so vulnerable. Frankly, when a man gets this susceptible, he is liable to making hasty decision to protect himself from the fears gripping his heart.

This is the time he needs you the most, for you to assure him of your loyalty, tell him you are willing to meet him half way. If both of you put the interest of the other first, I am sure you would come to a realistic decision that would be agreeable to both of you.

On your own, pray for the wisdom of God. It is important for you not to make the wrong decision.

Good luck

Will I Ever Get Better Man As A Lady Crawler?

Dear Agatha,

Do staying out late at night and frequently visit shows cut me out as indecent? I want to be educated on the things a lady should do to keep her man.

Lola

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Dear Lola,

No decent lady stays out late in the night without a known reason for doing that. Such lady can ever be considered as being responsible. What on earth would any woman be doing out so late? Even career women who have understandable grounds to stay out beyond the normal working hours have problems defending their honour. How much more a woman who has no business staying out so late into the night?

Our society and even those societies considered advanced are rigid about certain things. And when it comes to women all agree that some behaviours don't conform to the roles of women in the society.

More so, as a young girl, you have no business staying out late. Not only because you would be counted among the morally bankrupt ones in the society but for your safety as well. Who would save you from molestations in the night or vouch for your credibility if law enforcement agents arrest you along side criminals or women of easy virtues late in the night?

By the time you add night clubbing to staying out late, you would have only succeeded in nailing your moral coffin. There is no way anybody would regard you as decent. It doesn't come from what you are not doing but from the deep perception people have from time immemorial about those who nurture this type of lifestyle. This draws power from the activities that take place in the places. In any place where alcohol rules, misbehaviour is deemed to be the order of the day.

Society may be wrong but until something different happens to change the image of night crawlers, indecent is the name of the game especially for women who engage in the act because in such place alcohol and common sense are strange bedfellows.

There is no way any man would take a woman who is notorious for patronising clubs and stays out late home to his parents.

So, for you to keep any man, you must first expunge this habit from your daily life. If you don't have any compelling reason to stay out late, come home and learn to be a good homemaker. Learn to cook, wash clothes, and keep your home and environment clean as well as becoming your own best friend.

To be able to give happiness to another person, you have to first learn to be happy, be at peace with yourself, and learn to appreciate the good in you, I mean, celebrating the love of God for you. This is because you cannot give what you don't have. To keep a man by your side, you have to begin by discovering whom you are to know what to appreciate in your mate.

Good luck.

Left Me For The Altar... Now Seeks Post-altar Deal With Me

Dear Agatha,

There is this guy whom I met when I was 17 and whom I used to date. He was with the Central Bank when I met him. Painfully, I discovered he had deceived me. He got married to another woman.

However, he called recently to announce his intentions for us to continue as friends since he was having problem with his wife.

Now I am so confused. I don't know if I should give him a chance again in my life because in doing so, I risk falling in love with him again.

Please I need your help and advice on how best to handle this matter.

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

He is married and therefore prohibited to you. Problems, wherever we encounter them, are meant to be resolved, and not ran away from. You are certainly not a solution to the problems he is having with his wife; rather, you would only end up being hurt more than he did when he left you to marry another woman.

The covenant between a man and his wife goes beyond the ordinary. It is deeper than what the exchange of vows we all witness at marriage ceremonies. Beneath that physical exchange of vows is a spiritual exchange between two persons. The consummation of the marriage completes the cycle, because with the exchange of fluid, a man binds his soul to his woman permanently.

This is why feud between couple, no matter how bad it seems at the beginning is often resolved overtime.

They would definitely get over whatever it is aching their marriage. Like all aches, it would go away once both of them resolve that ignoring the problem or getting involved with other persons is not a panacea. If every man runs away from challenge in his marriage to pursue other women, where would the institution be?

This is a matter you should not even contemplate. From his attitude and previous treatment of you, his interest in you isn't deep. He sees in you a willing friend and one he thinks he has a firm hold on.

This is the time for you to prove him wrong. Yes, there is no harm in being his friend but you should point him at the danger of allowing his marriage rot on account of problems. The best you can do for him and yourself is not to get involved with him because to do that would be the worst form of emotional calamity and imprisonment you can get yourself embroiled in. Your friendship with him must be defined along the line of you helping him to realise that he made his choice with the other woman and staying faithful to that choice is the only way he can earn the respect he lost when he told lie to you during your first time together. Make it clear, if he truly values your friendship as proposed by him, he should go back to his wife and try everything humanly possible to make the marriage work.

Do this, because you would one day get married and expect to be happy in your choice. Don't, under whatever condition, contribute to the destruction of another woman's home because to do that would be to dig the grave for your own marital happiness.

The truth is we always have good reasons for every action we take in life. The human mind is never bereft of finding the perfect excuse to defend an action. Any man or woman could suddenly become very bad if the mate is determined to go outside the relationship for fun. If he could tell a lie about getting married to you, he can come up with several more lies to get you to do what he wants.

As for fears of falling in love with him again, if you know what you want from life and how those dreams would be derailed if you allow him into your space, it would be very easy for you to resist him. If you have self-esteem you won't make the mistake of falling for him again. Tell him you are not available for anything beyond helping him to get reconciled with his wife and make his marriage a success.

Good luck.

My Father Wants Re-seat For Failed Exams In Same School

Dear Agatha,

I am a student who didn't pass his Senior Secondary School Examination (SSSE) as well as his National Examination Council's (NECO).

My father reacted to my failures by insisting I go back to my former school, not only to repeat the examination but to start from SS2.

I am so distressed at this because I would be in the same class with my juniors. None of my mates who failed came back to the school to repeat a class. I have pleaded with my father to take me to another school where I am unknown, but he remains adamant over his decision to send me back to my former school.

I too have made up my mind not to attend the school; as a matter of fact, I entered into a covenant with God never to. When I was forced to resume in the school, I became so sick that the school authority insisted I go home to rest.

Please help me because I don't know what else to do.

Nike.

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Dear Nike,

You left your father with no choice but to take the action he took. Failing your Senior School Certificate Examinations as well as the National Examination Council's left him with no choice but to take a drastic decision to ensure your life got back on line.

Had you invested more time on your studies as well as applied yourself to the business of earning a good education when you had all the opportunity, he won't be forcing you to do things his own way.

He is refusing to listen to you and insisting on doing things his own way because you betrayed the trust and freedom he earlier gave you. He allowed you to do your thing and what did he get in return for all the financial and emotional resources he invested in your secondary school education? Embarrassing failures!

While I concur that going back to that school to repeat the classes may have adverse effect on you at least psychologically, but your father seems to think repeating classes with those who were two years younger to you may make you sit up and give you ample opportunity to catch up on the lost opportunity you seem to have lost.

Your academic performances must have been dismal and disappointing for him to insist you went back two years. You honestly may not see things his way but what he has designed for you is in your best interest; aimed at ensuring you put your nose back on the important things in life and not on those things that aren't so important.

Somewhere along the line you must have lost focus on your priority; on the reason why you were in school and what your being in school and passing your examinations well was supposed to help you achieve in life. You also forgot that a good education is the only legacy and visa you need to achieve the impossible and that while it has a time frame, all the other things you think are important would also remain in vogue anytime you are ready.

His determination to send you back two years is to appreciate the essence of time. You are sick and embarrassed to go back to that school, because of the mockery and humiliation of being in class with your juniors as well as having some of them graduating from the school before you. You are in this mess because you didn't value your time well when you had it. You gave your time a new configuration rather than allow your time define your next move. This is penalty you have to face; the humiliation of going back to your former school. Had you used your time well, you wouldn't be in this messy situation.

Therefore, it would be in your interest not to allow the humiliation of this moment rob you of another opportunity at reconstructing your life. Nothing good comes without pains and sometimes humiliating experiences. This is the bridge you must cross to swim to your land of glory. The water may look muddy and taste bitter but it is for your own good. It is your life, future and dream. Your father can only try to help but the choice of what you do with it is yours to make. If you fail to prioritise or concentrate on passing your examinations now, chances of being able to make it after this time out would be almost impossible. The barrier between you and success isn't time but your own fears and pride which in this instance make you your worst enemy and not the father who insists you go back to school and learn to read and study to pass your examinations well. The fact that you are on a second missionary journey gives you an edge over the rest.

With your experience, you now know better. If you were wise, you would use the opportunity provided by this time to sharpen all your dull edges with the aim of excelling. The opportunity you have now is to undo the damage done in the past.

Your father is insisting because, you have not shown any sign of remorse because if you had, it is not by giving him options to either send you to another school or nothing. You would have obeyed him first before complaining; telling him about your feelings.

Having failed, you are in no position to negotiate anything but to submit yourself to his rules for now if you want him to listen to you.

When things get this rickety between teenagers and their parents, being recalcitrant wouldn't yield any positive result. He might take you off the school if he is convinced the lesson he wants you to learn has been learnt by you.

Knowing that God is a God who cherishes obedience, there is no way He would support you to disobey your parents. Hence, the so-called covenant you claimed to have entered into with Him is null and void. You are sick because of your own fears and pride; not because God doesn't want you to make a success of your life.

Don't allow the devil to use the opportunity you have provided by your attitude or thinking to deny you of your future or the importance of your father's decision.

Devil will never allow you succeed unless you are determined to wrestle your destiny from his grips. Ignore the shame of your situation or the laughter of those around you; remember they don't matter as much as you making it in life. The end always justifies the means at which we got to the point of breakthrough.

Because nobody sees or knows tomorrow, those who are today making fun of your situation may end up praising your fortitude in life. Everything that happens to us in life is meant to strength us for the greater challenges ahead.

One thing is certain, God is never early, never late, but always on time. Whatever today holds for you is what God has planned to happen, so it is in your interest you embrace it with joy and the peace of mind you require to make it. Who knows, he could change his mind if you obey him.

Good luck.

I Want Another Child, But...

Dear Agatha,

I am in need of your help. I am married with two children. My husband and I planned to have three children before he fell sick several years ago. What do I do as I am worried?

Mrs. I.O.

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Dear Mrs. I.O.,

Your duty as his wife is to give him all the support he deserves to get back on his feet, not worry him about your earlier agreement to have three children.

Life doesn't always give us what we want. While it is within our jurisdiction to plan, it is the sole prerogative of God to give as He pleases. His plans are never wrong for us; they are always tailor-made to meet our capability.

While you have every right to be disappointed at your inability to execute your own plans with your husband, the fact remains that God never makes a mistake with his plans for us because He only sees and knows the end from the beginning. He has given you the number of children you, with or without your husband, can cater for at least for now.

With your husband's health the way he is, you doubtless carry more the responsibility at home. Even if he is extremely rich, what about the emotional investment involved in the training of children? Childcare goes beyond being able to send them to school or providing for their basic needs. It requires offering them the right emotional balance to make them whole. Most children who lack the emotional attention of their parents end up on the wrong side of the lane despite the material comfort of their homes. A lot of the dregs of the society you see today didn't begin their lives as urchins or 'area boys' and girls. They ended up being what they are today due to lack of emotional support from their parents, who either don't have time or can't cope with the number of children they have produced.

Before asking for more children, do you have the emotional balance to cope with an ailing husband as well as nursing a new child? Tending a sick person and nursing a baby doesn't go together for the simple reason that both require tremendous attention to get them going. Your husband would always need you to be there for him, to ensure he is comfortable, to give him love and encouragement to continue to live as well as the assurances that inspite of his condition, you are still loyal to the vows you entered into with him.

Candidly, pregnancy and a neo-natal in the bargain would give you little or no time to tend to your husband. Don't forget babies are attention seekers; actually demand to at the centre of their mother's universe. A baby would drain you of whatever energy you have to care for your husband, to give him the best of yourself at a time he needs you the most.

For now, a baby would only leave a huge gulf between you and your man on his sick bed. Your husband's health may not be able to cope with not having your full attention. If you are honest you know from experience how hard it is for women to still give the best of themselves to their husbands once a baby appears on the scene. Most women simply transfer the attention and affection they have for their husbands to their babies. Many problems couples have with their marriages emanate from this neglect because the abandoned man either begins to suspect his wife of having an affair or goes into the waiting and affectionate arms of a woman who would appreciate him.

Marriage isn't all about making babies. It goes beyond that. It is essentially about companionship. While couples can be happy together without having a child, no couple can remain together even if they have all the children in the world without the right companionship. This is the right time for you to give your husband the right companionship by using the opportunity offered by his sickness to reorganise your relationship. I am sure there are certain aspects of your relationship you wished you had more time to work on. His sickness may be a blessing in disguise to give you both ample time to work out your differences, celebrate your uniqueness as a couple as well as redefining your relationship.

We all need time to make us better. Look at him, what do you see? Do you see regret at marrying him or joy at the rare opportunity of having this time out with him? If joy is what you see, not having more children wouldn't bother you because in him, you see your fulfilment as a woman; you can only worry about not having more children if you regret the decision to marry him and is therefore looking at the children as a form of compensation.

If you are really happy with him and appreciate the God you serve, you should count yourself lucky that you had two children before he became sick. If you are this worried that you have two children instead of the three you agreed on before his health deteriorated; what would you have done if he were unable to give you any child? Abandon him to his fate or have children outside your marriage?

Sincerely, I don't understand the reason for your worry. It isn't as if you are barren or to blame for your husband's health condition.

Your worry is misplaced. As a woman whose husband isn't in the best of health, your concern should be for him to get back on his feet to give you the support to train the children the way they should be trained.

Your duty to him transcends giving him more children. You should be praying for him, asking for help regarding a cure for his sickness, giving him all the encouragement to be happy so as not to fall into depression. The danger of your worry is that you would be unable to pray for him, give him all the encouragement he needs to be happy; invest in his emotional stability as his wife. Worry depreciates the ability of a person to think rationally. If you are not careful, you risk making a costly mistake that would destroy your marriage.

To be truthful, he doesn't need you to remind him of his condition. This is the time for you to be unconditional in giving to him. It is called sacrifice for the sake of the overall well being of the home.

He hasn't said, he doesn't want to get you pregnant but his condition, something he didn't plan for and which has left him half of his former self, is limiting him from performing his role as your husband. What then do you intend to achieve by reminding him of the agreement you both went into when he was hale and hearty? Do you want to tell him he is incapable of satisfying you? In his shoes how would you feel if instead of concentrating effort on ensuring you regain your health, he is busy worrying about your inability to give him more children? What would you think of him? What if he gives you the child and dies? Of what use would that be to you?

Be careful, you don't give him the impression that you don't care about his health or his well being. It would be so fatal an impression because not only would he lose complete interest in you but begin to suspect your motive of marrying him as well as the spiritual angle to his state of health.

This is Africa where spiritual interpretation is always given to anything. To be truthful with you, if you carry this agitation for a baby too far at this point in time, you risk being pointed to as a suspect in his present condition.

Even if you think he would not survive this sickness, common sense requires you still give him all your loyalty and optimism for his recovery. Since he is a part of you, your faith could heal him completely if you pray him into it.

Good luck.