Dear Agatha,
There is this guy whom I met when I was 17 and whom I used to date. He was with the Central Bank when I met him. Painfully, I discovered he had deceived me. He got married to another woman.
However, he called recently to announce his intentions for us to continue as friends since he was having problem with his wife.
Now I am so confused. I don't know if I should give him a chance again in my life because in doing so, I risk falling in love with him again.
Please I need your help and advice on how best to handle this matter.
Confused Lady.
Dear Confused Lady,
He is married and therefore prohibited to you. Problems, wherever we encounter them, are meant to be resolved, and not ran away from. You are certainly not a solution to the problems he is having with his wife; rather, you would only end up being hurt more than he did when he left you to marry another woman.
The covenant between a man and his wife goes beyond the ordinary. It is deeper than what the exchange of vows we all witness at marriage ceremonies. Beneath that physical exchange of vows is a spiritual exchange between two persons. The consummation of the marriage completes the cycle, because with the exchange of fluid, a man binds his soul to his woman permanently.
This is why feud between couple, no matter how bad it seems at the beginning is often resolved overtime.
They would definitely get over whatever it is aching their marriage. Like all aches, it would go away once both of them resolve that ignoring the problem or getting involved with other persons is not a panacea. If every man runs away from challenge in his marriage to pursue other women, where would the institution be?
This is a matter you should not even contemplate. From his attitude and previous treatment of you, his interest in you isn't deep. He sees in you a willing friend and one he thinks he has a firm hold on.
This is the time for you to prove him wrong. Yes, there is no harm in being his friend but you should point him at the danger of allowing his marriage rot on account of problems. The best you can do for him and yourself is not to get involved with him because to do that would be the worst form of emotional calamity and imprisonment you can get yourself embroiled in. Your friendship with him must be defined along the line of you helping him to realise that he made his choice with the other woman and staying faithful to that choice is the only way he can earn the respect he lost when he told lie to you during your first time together. Make it clear, if he truly values your friendship as proposed by him, he should go back to his wife and try everything humanly possible to make the marriage work.
Do this, because you would one day get married and expect to be happy in your choice. Don't, under whatever condition, contribute to the destruction of another woman's home because to do that would be to dig the grave for your own marital happiness.
The truth is we always have good reasons for every action we take in life. The human mind is never bereft of finding the perfect excuse to defend an action. Any man or woman could suddenly become very bad if the mate is determined to go outside the relationship for fun. If he could tell a lie about getting married to you, he can come up with several more lies to get you to do what he wants.
As for fears of falling in love with him again, if you know what you want from life and how those dreams would be derailed if you allow him into your space, it would be very easy for you to resist him. If you have self-esteem you won't make the mistake of falling for him again. Tell him you are not available for anything beyond helping him to get reconciled with his wife and make his marriage a success.
Good luck.
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