My Pastor-lover Won’t Marry Me…

Dear Agatha, 

There is this man of God I am dating, who before we started expressed his desire to marry me. Recently, I went to his house and found another lady with him. Shocked, I demanded for explanations and knowledge of the number of women in his life. 

As if what he did isn’t enough, he told me there were several other women in his life. I was taken aback by this and felt very hurt at his attitude, because I happened to love him with all my heart. 

Not up to a week after the bombshell, he called to say he wasn’t interested in marrying me anymore, and that we should limit our relationship to mere friendship. 

Agatha, the thing is that I want him in my life. I love him too much to let go. What can I do to have him back? 

Dora.

Dear Dora, 

There is nothing you can do to keep a man who isn’t interested in having you in his life. You may love him but it is apparent he doesn’t feel the same way about you. 

A man in love with his woman will not openly advertise the existence of another woman in his life let alone allowing another one near his house. 

Besides, this is one man you cannot trust with your life if you really want peace in life. If, as a man of God, he engages in multiple relationships, what assurances do you have that if you marry him, he would treat you well and stay faithful to his vows?

If as a man of God, he is unable to stay faithful to the things of God, manifest the essence of God in his life, there is no way he can ever give you the respect you deserve in his life. 

Rather than bemoan the death of this relationship, you should thank God for showing you the nature of the man you planned to marry. Much as you love him and want to be his wife, given the kind of man he is, there is no way you would ever be happy with him for a husband. As a matter of fact, you should be happy you discovered the kind of man he is before going into it else you would have been forced by both religious and societal sentiments to endure a marriage that you are not happy with. Being a man of God, nobody would consider your happiness as much as the consideration the society would expect you to give to the success of his ministry.

If you insist on leaving, you would be labelled a bad woman who wants to destroy the ministry of her husband. This is why you should not attempt to do anything that would force this relationship to continue.

For a man to make a woman happy, he must have regards for her person and feelings. Letting you meet another woman in his house and telling you to your face that there are still other women, portrays him as a man who doesn’t care about your feelings at all, as well as one who is selfish and irresponsible. 

Deep down, is this the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Who would always put his interest far and above yours? 

Don’t sound desperate or frustrated that you must have a man who has clearly shown that he is not good enough for you as a husband. You may think you love him now, but a time would come when your love alone cannot sustain the two of you. Overtime what you think you feel for him will fade and be replaced with hatred for the way he is treating you. 

Besides, he has told you to go, making it very clear that you are the least among important persons to him. Go with the remaining dignity you have. If this man is yours, he would definitely come back to beg you to come back into his life.

The important thing now is for you to reconcile with God by allowing Him supremacy over your life. The fact that he is a man of God should warn you against taking people on face value. 

When you go into another relationship, care should be taken by you to look at the more fundamental things about him. For instance who is he is most important than what he is. Anybody can claim to be anything, including being an angel but what should matter most to you is who he really is. 

It is whom a person is that makes the difference in life. It is the ‘who’ you get to live with not the what. Therefore, be on the look out for the important things that would make you life a whole new meaning from what you are used to. Relationships are meant to bring out the best in us and not take us through the worst of life.

Asking God for help as well as a willingness to be completely trusting in Him and His ways would help you a great deal in moving you forward from the position you seem very adamant to give up.

Good luck. 

Pressure To Become Muslim Mounts After Jos Crisis Claimed My Mother

DEAR AGATHA,
I’m a 21-year-old 300 Level student of the University of Jos (UNIJOS), Plateau State, Nigeria.

I’m a Christian and live with my mother and house-help in Jos. Unfortunately, our house was among the many houses burnt in the recent crisis that also caused the death of my mother.

The house-girl and I are alive today because we weren’t at home. I had gone to the salon while the house-help went to the shop where she helps my mother to sell groceries. My mother wasn’t too healthy so she had to stay at home. It was at the salon I noticed a sudden change, people running, black smoke all over the air, gunshots, and other forms of commotion. I ran home, while I was running towards our house, I was calling my mother’s phone but it wasn’t going through, making me very scared.

On getting home I saw our house on fire, I tried to rush inside but our neighbours held me and advised me to run for my life, saying, “what has happened has happened.”  That day I followed some groups of Christians who had mobility to Kano State. I got to Kano at night and being my first time in there I had to pass the night in the park until the next morning when my course mate based in Kano came to pick me.

Ever since then I’ve been living with them and I don’t need anybody to tell me they are no longer comfortable with my presence. They have been urging me to convert to Islam and I’m beginning to consider it, my mother was killed because she was a Christian.

I’m so confused. I was born into a Christian home, have lived all my life as a Christian. I don’t know what to do? Should I remain a Christian or convert to a Muslim?

I need your advice urgently. I also want to share my problem with ‘The Auntie Agatha Share A Problem Family’ because I’m a big fan of your column. Help me in anyway you can, that’s why I’m putting my mobile number 0802-784-4281 my e-mail isfumiadebayo@yahoo.com.

Funmi.

 

Dear Funmi,

Where are you from originally? Where is your father? Is he alive or dead? If alive, where is he? Can you immediately reach him to come for you? What about relatives and friends who can take you in for now? Are you the only child? And what about other relatives? Have you made efforts to reach any one outside these persons you now live with?

I understand the panic of the moment that made you decide on the spot to run as far away as possible from the memories and scene that led to your mother’s death as well as everything you know.

However from what is happening to you now, the time has come for you to rethink your options, take stock of your environment as well as the choice before you to avoid the greater tragedy of you making the worst kind of mistake in your life. From all you have said, there is the need for you to move away from where you are now to be able to think clearly. There is no way you can concentrate on positive thinking with the kinds of pressures you are being made to endure by your hosts.

The fact that your mother is no longer alive doesn’t mean you are all alone or without a base. It also doesn’t give you the right to change who you are. An adage says if you don’t’ know where you are going you must know where you are coming from. Even if you are now an orphan, your parents certainly didn’t drop from heaven, they have families, they come from a place and must have told you one or two things about themselves including why they came to Jos. This is the time for you to dig into your family archives and come with a clear plan of how you intend to find your heritage.

From your surname, Adebayo, it is obvious you are from the Western part of Nigeria. Even if your parents lived all their lives in Jos, they must have told you where they come from originally. If you know their states and villages, tracing your extended families won’t be a problem. There definitely would be some people aware of your father’s and mother’s sojourn to Jos and would welcome you back home especially following the tragic death of your mother.

Changing from Christianity to Islam isn’t a solution at all. It would only be a huge complication to your already complex life. This is because you cannot change who you are and when the issues involved go beyond mere creed to undiluted fundamentalism, then it is not a matter of changing your faith, but that of changing completely who you are from birth. God that made you whom you are, knows the best. You can only change from one religion to another if you have a deep belief in the ways of your new religious, but in a situation where you are being coerced into changing your religion could be counter productive. 

Any change that is superficial comes with many regrets. Don’t put yourself in that position of being able to move on or backwards in life. Every change must come with a passion and positive attitude; knowledge of what one is going into as well as the motive for it. Beyond the issue of these people pressuring you to embrace their religion and a fear of your own survival, what other reason do you have for wanting to change? If the desire to change was coming from somewhere deep inside of you, it would have been another matter entirely, but coming because you feel helpless and hopeless will never give you the relief and comfort you need now.

Going back to your root would afford you the comfort of your own people, familiar with your history and person. You cannot afford to lose everything your have lived with for 21 years now. You need more than the comfort of your present situation. If there is a way of raising the necessary funds before the situation degenerates, do so and move.

You need time to really mourn your mother whose life was unjustly terminated by some people who are out to score some cheap religious and political points. Only the company of your kindred and people very familiar with your history can offer you the kind of moral support and peace to grieve for the woman who gave you life as well as the support to be who you are now. These tears will enable you heal properly as well as point you at the right direction.

For the time being, at least until you are sure of what you really want, go to the office of the Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN) in Kano. They will be more than willing to help you make the journey back to your root. Leaving that entire environment will help you heal properly as well as help give you a more comprehensive focus of life. It will also enable you think of the next plan of action, how to retrieve the little you can of your parents’ property in Jos and how to continue your education.

There is nothing like the warmth of a family to fall back on when things go really back. No matter how bad your parents may have presented their families, there will always be one left who is willing to offer you the foundation to begin something new.

And to the entire Christian community and humanity in general, this is the time to offer this young lady all the help due someone who is understandably confused, bitter about the tragic death of her mother, but dare not cry for fear of being killed herself all the help she can to regain her life that came to a halt on a day that would forever remain indelible in her mind.

To help her make the right choice, we appeal to all well meaning Nigerians as well as friends of humanity, to help this young lady live again, have her dream back as well as her life that came to a halt on that day.  I don’t know her but she has come to us for help. She needs our shoulders to lean on as she comes out of this dark maze. We are also appealing to all the Adebayos in Nigeria to find out if this lady is one of them and do the right thing of bringing her back home.  God bless you all as you help put a smile back on this face.

Good luck.

 

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,
Have heard so many good things about your column, so decided to try my luck. I have always believed in making it big before I marry, but along the line I suffered a major set back that brought me back to square one. Now I need a serious minded matured lady as a wife, sister and mother, and ready to assist me in picking my life again.

She must be between 28 and 40 years of age, tribe is no barrier, but she must be a Christian, humble, caring, and average in height and size.
I am in my 40s from the South East currently living with a friend in Lagos. I’m tall and fair. I neither drink nor smoke, I know I will be back on my feet again. This is my phone number, 0803-208-7784.

She Wants Him Out 10 Years After…

Dear Agatha,

I wrote to you late last year on poverty and how I am being coerced to embrace early marriage. I really appreciate your response as I am trying to apply all you said.

I have a friend who is worried over an issue I know you can help her out. She is into a distance relationship with a guy who from the start agreed to marry her. Unfortunately, she discovered along the line that she has no feelings for the man and wants to end the relationship, but doesn’t know how to go about it without hurting him, as their relationship is over 10 years old.  How best do you think she can handle this matter without causing this man too much emotional pain?

Concerned Friend.

Dear Concerned Friend, 

There is no easier way of doing this, but it is in her interest as well as the man’s for her to do what is right. And the earlier she does that the better for her.

There is nothing to be gained by either of them if she keeps postponing telling him, not doing that now would only increase the pains of his disappointment when he eventually finds out the truth. 

This is because he is still keeping to their earlier plans and working towards its realisation. 

If she has fallen out to love with him due to distance, she should be bold enough to confront him with her feelings. She shouldn’t feel guilty about it because not many of us are good at maintaining long distance relationships. 

If she had tried for 10 years to maintain it and is no longer convinced of the need to go on, she should find time to go to him personally, if he is in a place where she can easily have access to explain why she no longer feels comfortable in the relationship. But if he is outside the country, she should send him e-mail first before calling on phone. The essence of the e-mail is to give her the opportunity to properly explain the challenges of the relationship and all the reasons she fell out of love with him. It is important she gets her point clearly across to him, a thing that may not be possible through a phone call. 

She has to make the attempt at clearing every doubt that her reason has to do with another man. Only then would both of them agree on the way forward and also able to stay as friends.

If the man feels bad, it is expected because he has built his life around her but he would eventually get over her and thank her for having the guts to end it when he finds the right kind of woman. 

Besides, not telling him is also preventing her from moving ahead with her life. As it is, unless she ends this relationship, she cannot go into another relationship or give her commitment to any man. To do that would amount to cheating on this man. 

Because they have both left what they ought to have done for too long, the distance succeeded in creating doubts in her heart. Your friend’s boyfriend might also be going through his challenges, but given the nature of man that the woman would always wait having given her his commitment could make him keep quiet about his own doubts. 

Talking about it would help both of them either revaluate the relationships, take note of where they have both made mistakes with a view of making amends or ending it up entirely. 

The advantage of confronting him about her feelings is the chance it would give both of them to walk down memory lane together, erase every regret that usually come from hasty decisions. 

For both of them to move forward without regrets, she should allow dialogue, because what is involved here is 10 years of their lives together. There is no way it can be wiped off without a lot of delicate considerations. 

The bottom line is honesty and boldness to do what is right and true, coupled with the fear of God. If her reasons go beyond distance to other things like finding herself a new boyfriend due to loneliness, she should be bold enough to say it and not shop for excuses where none exist.

Good luck.  

Why Are Men Polygamous?

Dear Agatha,

 God who made heaven and earth will continue to bless you in His infinite mercy through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

 Why is it that men are not satisfied with what they have? They would have a beautiful, good and talented wife plus healthy children at home yet take delight in dating and romancing ugly single girls at home. And when their adventure boomerangs, they come begging for forgiveness and want the wife to forget everything about their betrayals.  What do men really want?

 Uzoamaka.

 

 

Dear Uzoamaka,

 First it would do every woman a world of good to understand the adventurous nature of the man. No matter what and who we are, the reality of life is that the average man has the tendency to stray at any time in their lives.

 Right from the early days of creation; men have unashamedly indulged in polygamy, and has become second nature to them. Even though Christianity anchors its faith on the policy of one man, one woman,men have always found excuses to exercise their unlimited taste for the female flesh. So many men along the time have suffered untold hardship as a result of this but nothing has stopped many of them from pursuing women even when they have a good family at home.

 Many of them want adventure, fun and the freedom of knowing that they can get away with it. Often than not, it isn’t about the woman at home, but more of an ego thing, to demonstrate to their friends and peers that they are no woman’s fool as well as being in charge of their lives. Also, they want to assure themselves that they haven’t lost touch with trends as well as the magic of their sexuality.

 Any sensible woman who knows her onion must learn to apply wisdom when it comes to the issue of the other woman in her relationship. If the truth must be told, the world is populated with more women whose men and husbands are cheating on them than those whose men aren’t cheating on. And given the weird sexual taste both men and women are evolving, more relationships would face greater and newer challenges in the years to come hence it behooves women to try to keep their heads above the water when it comes to the issue of their men’s other affairs.

 Whatever a woman is, one thing stands clear, she has to submit to a man. Ironically, most men walk on very fragile self confidence hence would always stray from time to time. A man who is finding his wife increasingly difficult to manage would want to be with a woman who is more manageable and makes him feel like the man he is. So it is not always about the woman being beautiful and good that is important, but how she is able to manage and sustain the interest of her man in her and the home.

 Physical beauty only plays the role of a magnet in attracting the man to the woman, but only inner beauty stops him from straying too far and into dangerous grounds. Therefore a man wants a woman who though has the financial and physical powers but is humble enough to be submissive to him by acknowledging him as the head of the home. A man’s fragile sense of insecurity makes it difficult for him to be in the company of a domineering woman for too long. Once he senses she has the ability to overrun him as the leader of the team, he shrinks into his shell and quickly crawls into the waiting arms of the single women who are ready to fill in the gap and sensible enough to make him feel like a king even if it is for the purpose of edging out the main woman.

 A woman who is serious about keeping her man must learn to balance the delicate roles of being a mother, wife, worker and friend in her home. The man must at all time come home to good meals, well-kept home, attractive, romantic and attentive wife, good mother to his children as well as a friend who understands everything he is going through and who is ready to give him loving and dependable shoulders to lean on.

 When a woman realises that her husband is her first born and dotes on him with all the attention and care she lavishes on her own first son, most men would find it easier to stay at home. Most men don’t want to be told when they are wrong; rather they want to be cocooned in the loving embrace of their women for that moment to allow the memory of what they had done to fade before being reprimanded.

 Hitting the nail, when the iron is still very hot, isn’t what most of them can cope with at all. Even though most men have the knack for straying without any reasons at all, it is only a wise woman that knows when to fight and when to beat a retreat.

 Forgiveness is part of the process of healing, a natural thing when two strange people come together either as friends or partners. With forgiveness comes respect and responsibility for the wronged person. Overtime patience has won the battle for many women whose husbands initially begin the journey confused.

 Good luck.

 

 

How Can I Be A Good Wife?

Dear Agatha,

I want to thank you tremendously for the free services you offer. A lot of people would have made a fortune from doing what you do free of charge.

I am a great fan of yours. I read your column everyday including weekends. I have learnt a lot from reading Marriage Clinic. So many things I never understood before about marriage are now very clear to me.

I am getting married at the end of this month and would want you to help me further understand my role as a wife and friend to my husband. I want you to also teach me the difference between lovemaking and sex. I know you have said there is a huge difference, please tell me because I don’t want to lose my husband to another woman.

Besides, you are the only one I can come to since my mother won’t even discuss such a thing with me. She would promptly label me promiscuous.

Please tell me how to behave around my in-laws, especially my mother-in-law who is very protective of her son.  I also want to know the kind of friends to allow in my home and those to keep out. I want to know how I should behave around my husband’s female colleagues and friends.

He is Igbo and I am Yoruba, but have never lived in Yoruba land. Although he assures me that eating my kind of food won’t be a problem, when I read some of the advises you gave to some women who wrote to you on what they are going through in the hands of their husband, I know it would eventually be a problem so how do I learn to cook his local meals? Who do I go to?

What kind of clothes do I wear as a married woman?

Please, help me because you are my best hope.

Bamidele.

 

Dear Bamidele,

Marriage is one the greatest institutions on earth but the most complex. The first principle for its success is to have the compassion and right attitude to make it work against all odds.

From the very beginning make the efforts to patent your marriage to suit you and your husband-to-be. Attempting to live in another person’s marriage is one of the greatest mistakes any woman can make. That your friends seem to be getting away with one kind of behaviour doesn’t make it right and you should not import that into your own marriage because your husband isn’t their husband. Chances are that your husband may not be able to endure that kind of attitude, so be warned. You are not your friends and your husband isn’t theirs.

From this early stage, learn to read and study your husband like a book. Learn where his comma, semi-colon, exclamation, paragraph and full stops are. You must know from the beginning where to underline in bold letter in his character and where to highlight and where to run the normal typeface. This would help you a great deal to know what he won’t tolerate and what he would let go. This way you are able to give your relationship pure character and build up a history of perseverance, friendship, patience, care, friendship, tolerance, respect, responsibility, sacrifices, selflessness, bravery, trust, strength, loyalty and prayers.

Without you knowing who he is, you won’t be able to know how you can fuse your personality into his. You must make up your mind the role you want to give your husband in the house. Some women believe they must occupy the same position as their husbands in the home hence refuse to submit to the authority of the man. They insist on sharing house chores with their husbands. Others think because they are in positions of leadership and authority in their places of work, their husbands too must submit to them at home while the more sensible women allow their husbands function in their God given positions as heads of the home even when they, the women are the ones really providing for the homes.

The last group of women is made up of the wise women. They know that the male ego needs constant massaging and have mastered the act of using respect to win their husbands completely over so much so they can get the husband to perform any task for them without even saying it. With humility, care and respect, a wise woman charms her husband into total submission. It works faster than any charm at keeping the man at home and interested in the marriage. Humility is making him feel like a king anytime he steps into his home, no matter the stress he has been through in the office.

Therefore, the role you give your husband to play in the house would go a long way in determining how long your marriage would last, as well as the quality of peace you will have in your home. Submitting to one’s husband isn’t demeaning as some women think and have unwittingly led others to think. Even when a man has nothing to offer by way of finance, he remains the head of his family hence his wife must at all times give him the much needed respect for him to function in full capacity.

So be clear on what position you want your husband to occupy in your life and marriage.

As your husband and leader, you must, even when it hurts, accord him his respect, especially when there is an audience. By managing your temper, you shut the doors of your marriage against external influences and manipulations. Not everybody who comes to settle a dispute is interested in positive settlement. A lot of times some people come with the agenda to destroy so be careful who you report issues concerning your home to. From the beginning learn to rely more on God than anyone else because the marriage institution is one of His works of six days. He only can intervene positively.

To be your husband’s friend, don’t nag, instead discus with him. Avoid comparing him with others; make unreasonable demands you know he has no way of meeting. Get interested in the things he enjoys, his friends and work. Praise him when he deserves to be praised, compliment his outfit and when he looks exceptionally good, buy him gifts even when it is not his birthday or your anniversary. This way you tell him without saying it that he is the centre of your world and that even when you are not together, thoughts of him are permanently etched on your mind.

This is what makes the difference between sex and lovemaking. When you are both friends, you are able to communicate very well in the bedroom, accept suggestions for improvement without anger or suspicions. As friends, you have the confidence to explore each other’s body without inhibitions or fear of being branded as being too exposed. When all the stops imposed by fear of what your partner would say about your moral values are removed, what you have is quality lovemaking and not sex. Whereas sex is just satisfying the physical, lovemaking is a meeting of the soul, spirit and body. This is why some couples, no matter how much they quarrel, will always find a way of settling their differences.

To get it right, don’t ever be shy to tell him what you want and how you want it. Always remember that he is your only partner and that if you allow him short-charge you in the bedroom, you will be the one to suffer emotional frustration.

A good wife must be able to cook the kind of food her husband likes so, learn how to cook his local meals; the kind his mother cooked for him when he was growing up. His mother remains your best teacher so go to her and beg her to teach you those things that will always make her son happy. Mothers-in-law are not always the monsters they are presented. When approached with respect, patience, friendship and humility, you can win her over.

Let her know you have no intentions of replacing her in the life of her son but to support her to ensure her son remains happy and the centre of her world. Seeing the efforts you are making to learn how to cook his meals, learn his language and his cultures would thaw whatever suspicions and misgivings she may have against the union.

Like his family members, learn to respect his friends. You don’t have to be friends with all of them but train yourself to accommodate them just like he must also accommodate your friends.

Keep his home clean, ensure you don’t delegate issues concerning him to anybody; for instance, his meals, clothes and personal effects are your sole business. This is why you are his wife.

Don’t allow marriage rob you of your sense of fashion not even when the children start coming. You must always remain fashionable if you intend keeping your husband interested in you. Like wise always pay attention to your personal hygiene. It is important as a woman to ensure he doesn’t get tempted by the many daughters of Eve out there.

And when the children come, always have time for him. Remember he came before those children hence should not be edged away when the children come. It is a fatal mistake many women have made to their regrets.

Above all, learn to pray and discuss issues concerning your home with God always.

 

Good luck.

Spinster’s Night Goodbye Affair With My Ex Now Threatens Our Union

Dear Agatha,

What I am about to share with you is shameful and very complex indeed. Yet it is a situation that I can no longer handle on my own due to the several implications of what I have done.

I got married five months ago. On the night of my spinster’s party, I agreed for the last time to sleep with the man I was to marry. I knew I wasn’t too safe but I did anyway without using protection. We didn’t get married because my parents didn’t like him due to his family background.

My mother as a matter of fact called him a gold digger, hence the recourse to my second boyfriend at the time. Although he is okay, but my heart and soul belong firmly to the former.

Unfortunately, the car conveying my husband and I home from the reception venue of our wedding ceremony had an accident. Nothing happened to me but he was injured that he had to spend the first month of our wedding in the hospital. We didn’t get to consummate our wedding until about six weeks after. And before then, we hadn’t made love for almost three weeks because of the wedding preparations. I menstruated three days after we made love.

At first, I didn’t know the signs of malaria I thought I was having nothing to do with pregnancy. Knowing the phobia I have for hospitals and doctors, I ignored his prompting to go for malaria tests after self-treatment appeared to be ineffective.

Eventually I was forced to go to the family doctor when it became very obvious that it was more than I can handle. It was there I discovered I was pregnant.

From the date of the pregnancy I knew without being told that it wasn’t my husband’s.

Since my husband was waiting to hear the results of the test, especially since I can’t keep the information about the pregnancy away from him, I told him. He was happy. I had to lie about the age of the pregnancy to give me time to think of what to do with it.

Agatha, from that date, I am five months gone. Even as I write, my flow hasn’t stopped. The doctors say in some women, it is normal. I have gone to another doctor, a good friend of mine who in the past helped me out of difficult situations like this to terminate this pregnancy, but declined, recalling the warning given me the last time I did. He told me I would be lucky to get pregnant again and that if I did, it might be my only chance of having a child as my womb has become weak due to repeated abortions. He also said I could die if I attempted aborting this child.

I went to see another medical friend of mine who also confirmed what he said after examining me.

My worry is what do I tell my husband when the baby is born full term? Even if I succeed in lying to him about the age of the baby, I can’t deceive his mother, a retired matron, as well as his elder sister, a doctor.

I love my former boyfriend and would always love him, but don’t want to lose the influence of my husband’s family. His family name is one that will help open very difficult doors and help me build my home interior business.

Agatha, how do I get out of this before I am found out? Do I insist he is the father of the child citing the time before the wedding as the time I conceived the child? I want time to establish myself before saying anything about the paternity of the child. Please I need help.

Timilehin.

 

 

Dear Timilehin,

I can only advise someone whose mind is really seeking help, one ready to listen to the voice of reason, not one whose mind is made up and has an agenda to accomplish. From all indices, you have made up your mind on what to do so why bother seeking counselling?

Much as I suspect you will not take to it, I want you to consider the interest of your unborn child who at the end would be the victim of your manipulations. This child may never forgive you for denying it the right to the father and the peace of its security.

From all that you have said, you are not in love with either of these men. Yes, you may have deeper feelings for your former boyfriend, but not enough to make any form of sacrifices for him or what you both shared. In the first place, you wouldn’t have allowed yourself to be persuaded to marry another man if what you feel for your boyfriend ever ran deep. You left him because you saw an opportunity to enhance yourself economically through the influence of your husband’s name.

The first step to finding a meaningful solution to your problem is to admit the truth to yourself. Be bold enough to declare what you really want from life. This way, it would be easier for you to make or accept meaningful solutions.

Between this child’s happiness and the material gains you hope to have through this family, which one do you think would be more beneficial to you at the end, the coldness of money or the warm love of your child?

It is essential you begin to think about all those tomorrows when the decisions of today would begin to bear fruits. Although the doctors are not God, but what if this child eventually turns out to be yours, can you withstand the consequences of this child rejecting you and everything you represent?

Yes, the attraction of his family’s wealth and influence may look great now, but what if they discover you to be fraud before you even have the time to tap into their wealth and power? Don’t forget the mother being an experienced matron can tell with expert eyes the age of a pregnancy, so also can the elder sister, a doctor. Has it occurred to you that they can let drop the age of the pregnancy in the presence of your husband who in turn will argue that you are not that far gone given the age of the pregnancy you gave him?

Do you know this could instigate suspicions from your husband and in-laws and a reconfirmation examination ordered. What about the doctor, he too can easily divulge the information you are trying so hard to keep to your husband since he has no way of knowing what you are trying to keep from your husband.

He has as much right to ask the doctor for information about his child as you. In the first place, the doctor who confirmed you pregnant is a family doctor, one known to him and possibly his whole family. There is little information concerning your medical history that you can keep away from your husband and his people if they want it. You can only keep such information from him if he were a boyfriend, not the one picking the medical bills.

Because you have already lied about the age of the pregnancy, there is no way you can insist on another age and make him accept. The fact that you came straight from the hospital and gave him the age of pregnancy would make it difficult for him to accept you made a mistake. So, forget that line you are contemplating because it would only expose the more what you are trying to hide.

Even if he wanted to listen to you before, forgive you and cover up your shame, the fact that you were ready to lie your way through his life, foist someone else’s child on him, and also force him into living with all your past mistakes as well as denying the chance of having a child of his own through your own careless living, would at the end make pardon difficult for him to grant you.

Whether you tell him now or not, he would still find out the truth so why not face it now by telling him while you still have the chance of going back to your former boyfriend? He may not have the money your husband’s family has now, but with your support and love; he may come to be richer and more influential than you ever imagined.

Yes, you took a careless and costly decision, but it would be more fatal if you refuse to face the consequences of your mistake now. If for nothing else let him remember you as one brave woman instead of a gold-digger, one who is only interested in his money and not in his welfare.

Open up to him. The worst that can happen is for him to withdraw his interest from the marriage. But if both of you are destined to be together, you will both find a way of resolving the issue between the two of you. Most men are ready to cooperate with the women in their lives provided the woman is honest. By giving him the right to make a choice, you free yourself from the repercussion of his anger and rejection.

What will destroy you isn’t the fact that you are carrying another man’s child, but your dishonesty. God will grant you the strength to do what is right.

Good luck.

Between Funding Our Wedding And My Studies

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your advice and concerns. I am in my early 30s in a relationship leading to marriage. My fiancé and I are so much in love. He has introduced me to his parents and relatives. He is a graduate while I am not, but it has never bothered him since I am willing to continue my education after our wedding. But the problem now is that he is not buoyant enough to sponsor this wedding. I am working and buoyant, he is asking for my help. Please Agatha, tell me what to do because I’m confused.

Kate.

Dear Kate,

Why the confusion? Don’t you love and trust him? If he is serious and you are sure he cannot afford the luxury of a big wedding, the most sensible thing to do is for both of you to sit down and discuss what you can both afford.

Marriage isn’t a rigid science where everything has to be done in a particular way. For it to survive, it must be dynamic and able to breathe freely. What makes marriage unique and interesting is the amount of trust and freedom a couple is willing to invest into it. There are no laws against a woman helping the man to pay for some of the marriage expenses if she has more money than him. Don’t forget you are both going into a lifetime partnership; one both of you must be willing always to invest the best of yourselves. You don’t give marriage less of what it deserves if you want it to succeed. You must be willing to make all the sacrifices for its survival. Marriage involves a lot of sacrifices and selflessness to make it work for both parties.

Depending on the kind of marriage you in particular have in mind, it may not require so much to make it happen. The first thing is to draw up a budget of the kind of wedding you will love to have and another budget of the kind of wedding you can both afford now.

Between the fantasy and reality budget, you will get an idea of how much is really necessary for both of you to tie the nuptial knot.

Bear in mind that there are so many things involved in the process of two people coming together and having a successful marriage. The wedding ceremony is only a process that leads to marriage. After the ceremony, comes the real road show. Don’t ever make the ceremony more important than the real thing. The moment you do that, you risk upsetting the entire process of getting married.

You also have to be careful that you don’t make your husband-to-be feel bad that he is unable to play his role effectively. Give him the confidence to trust in you and give you too all the support when the table turns in his favour too. Therefore, after drawing up the two budgets, sit down with your man to discuss what you both must do. The way you handle this seemingly simple task of funding the wedding would go a long way in giving him the much needed confidence to rely on you as his woman.

This is a test case for you; one to demonstrate that you know what marriage entails and that you are capable of coping with the many challenges that come with it.

Deep down I know the conflicts going on inside of you; the many questions you are asking yourself; don’t worry. Helping your man to sponsor the wedding ceremony doesn’t make you cheap or desperate either. It simply helps present you to this man as a dependable woman. Remember, you both have made the plans to marry; your families are aware of the relationship, hence nothing to be ashamed of if you make your resources available for this thing you long planned for.

If you don’t tell, nobody would know where the money is coming from. You won’t be the first woman or the last one to help her man pay for the wedding ceremony. More than he does, you are the one who needs the ceremony. Left to most men, they would rather limit themselves to paying the bride price and end the ceremony there, but women are the ones with the desire to expand the ceremony so the ball is now in your court to determine.

Don’t hesitate to do whatever has to be done to make you and your husband to be happy because marriage is a journey of give and take.

Good luck. 

Desperately Need Expert To Tend My Finger-problem

Dear Agatha,

I have a serious physiological problem that has
been bothering me. My fingernail’s beds are ugly and infected. In 2005, I had a fingernail bed infection, the kind that separates the nail from its bed. It was so serious that I had to cut off the nails from the beds. This condition continued up till last year and when it became too much, I had to cut off the nails on seven of my fingers. Unfortunately, they refused to grow properly again. They have become some sorts of embarrassment to me because I’m a
university student.

I have taken to hiding my fingers from prying eyes. Agatha, is it true that I can put artificial nail graft on them abroad through surgery and also remove some marks on my body? I haven’t seen anywhere it is done in Nigeria or can I? Why is my case different?

Chinonso.                                                                                              

 

Dear Chinonso,

From what I read about your condition, known medically as Onycholysis, you were careless in the handling of the infection.

Had you paid more attention to the infection from the beginning, you would have saved yourself from the pains and embarrassment happening to you now.

Though nail disorders are judged differently from skin diseases, symptoms and treatment vary. Onycholysis is a deformity of the nails that require medical attention sometimes.

Onycholysis is a loosening of the exposed portion of the nail from the nail bed, usually beginning at the free edge and continuing to the lunula. This nail disorder is often linked to an internal disorder, trauma, infection, nail fungi, allergy to nail enhancement products or to the side effects of drugs taken by the afflicted person. Onycholysis is a very common problem and involves a painless separation of the nail from the nail bed. Onycholysis is a warning sign of skin disease, an infection or the result of injury, but most cases are seen in women with long fingernails.

One way of determining that Onycholysis has set in is to check for signs of discolouration underneath the nail since this may occur as a result of secondary infection. The painless and spontaneous separation of the nail plate starts at the distal free margin and gradually progresses proximally. Larger portion of the nail may become opaque, get whitened or discoloured to yellow or green and this calls for medical attention.

If the cause of Onycholysis is fungal infection, mere examination alone will not be enough to tell it apart and a test for fungus may be called for. Use of strong medications like Tetracycline, Minocycline, Naproxen make a person abnormally sensitive to light and such persons are at risk of getting sunburn under the nails, which causes Onycholysis. In extremely rare cases, all the nails are affected and then it can be a sign of iron deficiency or thyroid over-activity.

If there is noticeable discolouration underneath the nail, the cause may be a secondary infection and this may require the people to take some antibiotics to rid themselves of the underlying cause. Since Onycholysis is usually painless and the separation occurs gradually, it is only in rare cases that a person may experience severe discomfort. This is linked to trauma or the setting in of active infection.

To treat the condition at home, it is recommended that a person regularly trims the nails to ensure they remain short and clean. Using a skin softening hand cream to nourish the nails and hands is of high benefit to the nails and skin.

If Onycholysis has set in due to nail biting, picking or tearing, the person can consider seeking psychological counselling to get the necessary encouragement and guidance to underlying problems to stop this behaviour.

To save you from further embarrassment on account of the ugliness of your nails, protect your hands from too much exposure to water. Water from washing clothes, plates and other house-works that require you to immerse your hands in water for too long only worsen the condition of your. Invest in quality hand gloves to help you arrest the condition of your fingers.

There are very good hospitals in the country that can successfully carry out grafting of the skin. If there is a teaching hospital where you are, go and make the necessary enquires. From there you will be appropriately directed on how to go about it.

To avoid a recurrence of the condition, be very alert to changes in your nail beds and be careful also about the kinds of nail extensions you do as well as how long you carry them. More often than not, problems to our nails come from poor handling of our hygiene as well as our health. There is a time frame attached to how long we get to wear some of the beauty enhancements women are fond of.

Good luck.

Erectile Dysfunction, Drug-free Remedy, Please

Dear Agatha,

Please advise me on what to do before it is too late. I have a problem of inability to sustain my erection. Each time I make love to my girlfriend, it is a struggle for me to last two minutes before ejaculation.

And to get it up again is even of greater struggle. Sometimes it takes me more than 30 minutes to get it up again. I know my girlfriend is only tolerating the situation; that she doesn’t like it at all. Most times I take drugs to make her happy, but for how long can I do this? I can’t continue on drugs any time I want to make love with my girl.

Please advise me on what to do. How do I get out of this problem?

Biafra.

 

Dear Biafra,

So many factors could be responsible for your condition, but I will restrict myself to the possible psychological reasons you are having this problem.

One, what is your state of mind? Have you ever had a lengthier erection than you are having now? If yes, when did it start? Can you remember? Are you having some sorts of unresolved problems causing you so much stress as well as putting a very heavy burden on you?

Most times when a man is having difficulties in his office or finances, it affects his ability to relax completely to give his partner quality time in the bedroom. If this is your case, even though difficult, you must learn to leave whatever it is that is troubling your mind outside your bedroom to prevent the greater challenge of you having to deal with emotional problems in your relationship. To ensure this doesn’t happen, give your girlfriend the free rein to take the lead in the bedroom. It will save you the burden of leading and using your imagination.

As the leader, the onus would be on her to see to your satisfaction; treat you to all those extras that make lovemaking beautiful. However, in doing this, you must have an opened mind about her ways as well as the knowledge of her expertise because the moment you begin to doubt her, raise questions concerning her experience and expertise, you unwittingly close the door against whatever help she has to offer in making this moment less stressful for you.

Don’t allow your male ego stop you from admitting to your limitations to her. If you don’t, she would eventually get frustrated and move on with her life, but if you court her help, she would develop the necessary understanding and patience to explore other ways to make it happen for both of you.

Giving her the lead in the bedroom is just the first part; the second part is to explain to her why you are having problems being your normal premium self. She has to know what is happening in your official life, your finances and in your mind to know how far and long you would need her help. It is also a way of ensuring she doesn’t begin to think that your performance is based on lose of interest in her or the presence of another woman.

If no, it means this is the way you are, hence must find other ways of ensuring you manage the situation. In this kind of situation, it is also important you take your woman along. Let the woman in your life know what to expect in the bedroom. I know it sounds unrealistic, but when a woman is trusted with such information by the man she likes, she ends up being very supportive.

Since it isn’t a case of you not having erections at all, concentrate more on foreplay. Get almost to her peak before going into her to ensure both of you climax at the same time. If you use a lot of your imagination, she won’t even notice you have the problem of sustainability.

The difference between successful lovemaking and failed one is the amount of imagination a couple puts to play. A man may have the strength of a horse but if lacking in incentives, he still won’t be able to please the woman in his life. 
Therefore, the problem isn’t in your strength, but with your inability to be adventurous.

Desist from taking performance enhancing drugs, because they will only worsen your case at the end of the day. Your imagination will achieve more than these drugs can do.

However, there is still the need for you to seek medical help from a qualified doctor to rule out any permanent damage.

Good luck.