She Wants Him Out 10 Years After…

Dear Agatha,

I wrote to you late last year on poverty and how I am being coerced to embrace early marriage. I really appreciate your response as I am trying to apply all you said.

I have a friend who is worried over an issue I know you can help her out. She is into a distance relationship with a guy who from the start agreed to marry her. Unfortunately, she discovered along the line that she has no feelings for the man and wants to end the relationship, but doesn’t know how to go about it without hurting him, as their relationship is over 10 years old.  How best do you think she can handle this matter without causing this man too much emotional pain?

Concerned Friend.

Dear Concerned Friend, 

There is no easier way of doing this, but it is in her interest as well as the man’s for her to do what is right. And the earlier she does that the better for her.

There is nothing to be gained by either of them if she keeps postponing telling him, not doing that now would only increase the pains of his disappointment when he eventually finds out the truth. 

This is because he is still keeping to their earlier plans and working towards its realisation. 

If she has fallen out to love with him due to distance, she should be bold enough to confront him with her feelings. She shouldn’t feel guilty about it because not many of us are good at maintaining long distance relationships. 

If she had tried for 10 years to maintain it and is no longer convinced of the need to go on, she should find time to go to him personally, if he is in a place where she can easily have access to explain why she no longer feels comfortable in the relationship. But if he is outside the country, she should send him e-mail first before calling on phone. The essence of the e-mail is to give her the opportunity to properly explain the challenges of the relationship and all the reasons she fell out of love with him. It is important she gets her point clearly across to him, a thing that may not be possible through a phone call. 

She has to make the attempt at clearing every doubt that her reason has to do with another man. Only then would both of them agree on the way forward and also able to stay as friends.

If the man feels bad, it is expected because he has built his life around her but he would eventually get over her and thank her for having the guts to end it when he finds the right kind of woman. 

Besides, not telling him is also preventing her from moving ahead with her life. As it is, unless she ends this relationship, she cannot go into another relationship or give her commitment to any man. To do that would amount to cheating on this man. 

Because they have both left what they ought to have done for too long, the distance succeeded in creating doubts in her heart. Your friend’s boyfriend might also be going through his challenges, but given the nature of man that the woman would always wait having given her his commitment could make him keep quiet about his own doubts. 

Talking about it would help both of them either revaluate the relationships, take note of where they have both made mistakes with a view of making amends or ending it up entirely. 

The advantage of confronting him about her feelings is the chance it would give both of them to walk down memory lane together, erase every regret that usually come from hasty decisions. 

For both of them to move forward without regrets, she should allow dialogue, because what is involved here is 10 years of their lives together. There is no way it can be wiped off without a lot of delicate considerations. 

The bottom line is honesty and boldness to do what is right and true, coupled with the fear of God. If her reasons go beyond distance to other things like finding herself a new boyfriend due to loneliness, she should be bold enough to say it and not shop for excuses where none exist.

Good luck.