Dear Agatha,
I am 31 years of age and first son of seven children from the same mother. I grew up in a very disciplined home. My father is now a retired school principal and my mother is a fashion designer. My mother was the stronger of my parents. My father, the quiet one and never encouraged third party intervention in his life.
My mother took advantage of the disposition of her husband to do what she liked while my father willingly paid the bills. Since it was working for them, nobody complained.
I was very fast in my early education as I obtained my Ordinary Diploma at the age of 18 from the Auchi Polytechnic. My younger sister of 16 years of age was taken to Italy to trade her body for sex. This was the sole decision of my mother who ignored my father’s objection. She didn’t have any excuse because though living in the village we were comfortable.
Being an educationist, my father ensured we were all in schools. Fortunately, my sister met a white man who paid the woman who paid her way to Italy. Today, she is married with three children and has two houses in G.R.A, Benin.
Before her freedom, she was always sending money home, which only my mother knew about. And because my father opposed her source of wealth, she never allowed my father forget when it comes to the issue of him benefiting from my sister’s money.
Through the help of my father, one of his relations agreed to send me to Greece when I was 19 years of age.
Even though life was difficult for me in that country, I was sending money home constantly through my mother to protect my father from problems with her if I should send money through him. Knowing he would never get anything from the money I send through my mother, I secretly took to sending him money to keep his body and soul together.
Four years in Greece, I was fed up so I moved to Italy. I couldn’t stand the moral bankruptcy of Nigerian girls in Italy hence found my way to Germany after only two months in that country. Because of what I witnessed in Italy, I vowed never to marry any girl in Europe because as the saying goes here, they are all retired commercial sex
workers (CSW). Even when they leave to do something else, they are said to be on holiday.
The early days in Germany were difficult until my ex white girlfriend came to my rescue. Through her we went to Sweden and today I am a citizen there. I was able to complete my education and got a good job thereafter.
Today, through my help, an elder sister of mine and two other younger brothers are also in this country while I continued to send money home to my parents.
When it was becoming obvious that age was no longer on my side, I pressured my father especially to look for a wife for me. He got me a girl who turned out to be very unwise. Although from a very humble background, against my mother’s opposition I agreed to marry her by proxy. I began to send her a monthly up-keep of N35,000 in addition to getting her an apartment.
When I came to Nigeria, she got pregnant and had a son for me. To my displeasure, I discovered all the money I sent her was given to her mother to trade, refusing my child first priority. I was angry about it and lodged my complaint with her mother.
To guard against it, her mother told me to open an account for her which I did and deposited N150, 000 for her. But the real challenge came when she decided to move her sisters into the flat I rented for her without my permission. As a matter of fact it was my younger brother who told me about it after his visit to the house. When I complained again, her mother threatened to pressure her daughter into terminating the pregnancy she was carrying for me.
As a result, she insulted my brother and warned him never to come to her house again. When I heard this, I told my parents to send her packing from the flat. She went back to staying with her mother in the village.
I discovered that her mother was only interested in my money. My pain is that the girl is fond of listening to her mother prompting me to tell my parents all I have done for her secretly. This prompted my mother to go and fight the girl’s mother. Now the challenge in my life is to take my son away from his mother and get married to another woman. I have made up my mind not to have anything to do with her, even sending her N300,000 as settlement money.
Agatha, how can I find a woman who isn’t after my money? How can I know a girl for just one month and think of marriage? Who will now help me care for my son when I bring him over? How can I recognise a lady who will stay with me through thick and thin?
A woman or wife is the backbone of everyman, and I really want a wife that loves me for who I am and not for what I have. Except for our last-child all my siblings are married with their own families. The question now, must I be a slave to all these self-thinking people and my mother? I need help as I am dying in silence
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
You are your own problem. Perhaps the success of your sojourn abroad has made you lose touch with reality as well as realistic approach to issues.
In the first instance, there is no offence in what the girl has done to warrant you to send your parents to drive a pregnant woman out of her home simply because she brought her sisters to stay with her.
For goodness sake, being pregnant and alone at home, there is no way she would not need another person staying in the house with her in case of emergency. Even though she was wrong not to have informed you, your reactions were extreme so also were the reactions of your parents.
They should have cautioned you against your actions. Honestly, you failed to protect the girl and your unborn child from the influence of your family making you too as guilty as she is when you accused her of tilting towards her mother.
Under the circumstances you both met and married, there is no way you can completely wean her of her mother’s influence. The reason is simple, despite carrying your child, you are still a stranger to her and what more, and you live millions of miles away from her. It couldn’t have been easy for her. Being young and pregnant, there is no way she could have coped on her own with all the transitions going on in her life.
Were you around, it could have been a different case but with you not there by her side to help with the early morning sickness, the sluggishness of some women during pregnancy, drive away the loneliness of the young woman whose body would naturally crave the company of her man, the warmth and support of her family became her next choice.
It was very wrong of you to have denied her the pleasure of her family’s company just as it was very ungentlemanly for you to have gone to your parents to tell them everything you did for the woman you called your wife. What you did is part of your responsibilities as her man, so you haven’t done anything you shouldn’t do. To have gone to your parents with the information of what happened in your home shows you may be old in terms of age but clearly lack the maturity to handle a woman and your affairs as a man.
Besides, it wasn’t the mother you had business with but the woman whose body is housing your child. If the mother made demands of you in her capacity or she gave the money meant for her upkeep to her mother, the least you should have done is to caution her against it, insisting that the money meant for the upkeep of the baby must be used for the purpose it was sent.
There is no way she would have allowed the baby suffered on account of lack of funds. She probably gave money to her mother to start something out of the abundance she has and out of a desire to help the family too through her good fortune.
The truth is this, if you continue to act irrationally and give your family free rein to control your home and affairs, what happened now would happen all over again. When your brother came with the report of your sisters-in-law presence in your house, the right thing should have been to call your wife to ask why she took the decision without telling you first.
You should have ended the matter there and then until you have the chance to come home to resolve whatever disagreement you had with the arrangement.
One of the fundamental lessons you should keep from this whole experience is never to expose your immediate family to the politics of the extended family to protect your own peace of mind, as a man. At the end of the day, you are the one left with the ache and loneliness of driving away your woman and son. Your parents still have the comfort of each other despite their differences and your brother, the comfort of his friends while you are all alone.
Marriage is all about the good, bad and ugly. Eventually, everything will find its level just like your father has learnt to live with your mother despite their pronounced difference.
Until the child comes of age, you may not get custody of your son. And as for all the questions you asked, the important thing is for you to first of all take stock of you life to enable you know what will work for you. There is no way you can move forward, if you don’t have a clear vision of what you want from life and what is most important to you.
Frankly, the answer to your problem is with you.
Good luck.
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