He isn’t keen on marriage

Dear Agatha,

I will be 28 years this month. I just finished my youth service and searching for a job. I also want to further my education.  

I have been with my boyfriend through out my university days.

Before I met him however, I had dated another guy who actually deflowered me.  Due to certain circumstances then, we went into different universities and unable to function well as a couple

As time went on, his behaviour changed towards me. He not only stopped calling me but plainly didn’t care about me anymore.  

It was during this period I met my present boyfriend who loved and stood by me all through my university. 

But my problem is, when I discuss with him on marriage and how I would like to spend the rest of my life with him, he would say, he prays things turn out like that because he hasn’t found his feet as a man; that he has a long way to go, being the first child in his family whose responsibility it is to train his younger ones. 

This always makes me feel bad because I haven’t loved another guy since I met him in school. Earlier in the year, the previous guy came back pleading with me to come back to him. He claims he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  He currently works with a private establishment in Abuja.

Due to he got me pregnant, treated and abandoned me back then, I am still angry. He told me when I informed him about the pregnancy to get rid of it as he wasn’t ready to be a father. I felt and still very bad at the way he treated me. 

I am of the opinion that he might never really respect me as a woman if I get married to him.  Since coming back to my life, he has been persistent on the issue of me marrying him.  

I don’t know what to do because my boyfriend is not financially stable as a man. In addition he has given me the permission to get married if I see anyone I want to marry. He says he doesn’t want to be selfish by asking me to wait for him to be ready.  Some prophets have told me he is my husband but why doesn’t he keep urging me not to wait for him? 

Please help me because I’m so confused right now on who to settle for among the two of them. 

Despite our misunderstanding he never fails to put me in order when I step out of line neither has he exhibited any form of disrespect to me.  Should I forget both of them and face my career waiting for the right man to come?

Confused Lady.

Dear Confused Lady,

What right man are you waiting for when you already have one who evidently loves and cares so much about you?

If you can afford to wait for the right man, why are you then in a hurry to leave this man who according to you has shown nothing but love and respect towards you?

The poor boy hasn’t said he isn’t going to marry you but seeing how desperate you are about marriage, he is only trying to be careful so you don’t vent your frustration on him in later years. Giving you permission to marry another man is to remove him from your pressure line.

From your discussions with him, he knows you are determined to marry at all cost. He doesn’t want to be the one to discourage you despite loving you from doing what you have obviously set your mind on.

Having explained his predicament to you, what he expected of you is to come up with a more realistic plan; one that will work for both of you. But since you lack understanding of his challenge and family responsibility, he is left with no choice but to give you a leeway out.

There is no debating the obvious; this guy loves you too much to want to keep you in a relationship against your will. He is willing to be hurt to procure your happiness. He is conscious of the saying that when you love a thing too much, give it freedom to go; if it comes back, then it is yours.

The question now is, how much do you love this man or understand the meaning of the word? If you do, you would appreciate the totality of this man who has shown you nothing but love. A wise woman, who loves her man, would ask him how much time he needs to be ready, not to look for alternatives like you are doing.

Sincerely, you have not demonstrated the attribute of a woman who knows what she wants from life or one this man can really rely on in time of trouble.

Marriage is not just about the glitz and glamour of the wedding day; it goes beyond that. it is a complex web of many intricate designs woven into it. You must be sure the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with has the right temperament, attitude, respect, understanding and tolerance to help you come to your full dreams as a woman.

If your first boyfriend after giving him the precious gift of your womanhood, can discard you so easily, insist you abort his pregnancy without care and consideration for your feelings as well as wellbeing, what assurances do you have that he would treat you better if you agree to his proposal?

What if in the process of procuring the abortion he so carelessly insisted you do, something happened to you, would he have a woman to come back to? Not every woman that went for abortion came out alive.

If you didn’t have the love and care of your present boyfriend, do you think you would have recovered as fast as you did to concentrate on your studies?

No matter what you think, your current boyfriend even if all he gave you was support, contributed to the story of success that you are today. Peace is the greatest gift of all in life. that he gave you peace of mind to graduate, is more than whatever your former boyfriend is offering you now. The fact that you had him as a stable force in your life prevented you from adopting a certain kind of lifestyle that would have made you notorious and unattractive to any serious man.

There is wisdom in this adage; too much haste, less speed. When one is desperate, there is the every likelihood that one becomes very prone to making costly mistakes.

If there is anytime you need to exercise patience in your life; it is now. True love comes with so much sacrifice; sometimes painful ones but these are the things that give character and foundation to our choices.

Rather than try to rationalize your quest for a new boyfriend, why not go back to your boyfriend and try to reason with him? He cannot wait for ever. He must have a kind of plan. Tell him to key you into his plans. He is not saying anything so far because he thinks you are not interested in whatever he has to say outside giving you a definite date. There is no separating sacrifice from love. You have tried and tested this man; and he never disappointed you. Reason and talk with him to prevent future regrets later in life. There are some rushed decisions one never recovers from its consequences. Don’t make the mistake of throwing away a good man simply because you think you are getting on in age. Life doesn’t work that way.  The truth of the matter is that good men, like good women are hard to come by these days.

A truthful discussion  with him in addition to a heart that is ready to plant, will help you come to a decision you will never regret making. You cannot reap without first sowing a seed; it is the way life functions.

Since you won’t have considered going to your first boyfriend if your present boyfriend had agreed to marry you instantly, why are you thinking of him at all? It means you don’t really want him but considering him on account of your desperation. Marriage borne out of desperation, ends up in depression.

Importantly, place your desires before God always.

Good luck.

-Share a problem  with Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626