My mother is making life unbearable for my father

Dear Agatha, 

I really love your impact on people’s lives. I am the first and only son of three children in my family. My father has been the best father to us but my mother has sworn never to see anything good in what he does. 

My mother is fond of calling him names and insulting her in-laws. She has even tried on so many occasions to convince us to hate our father. 

As a result of her treatment of our father as well as the shame she has brought to our family, he developed stroke. Nobody wants to come to our house for fear of what she will do to them.

I know it is my duty to put things right, but I really need your advice on how to go about it. I am a graduate and presently serving my fatherland. 

Thanks in anticipation of your response. Keep up your good works. God bless you.

Chibuzor.

Dear Chibuzor,

I really admire your courage in facing the truth about your mother’s character. It shows courage.

For you to help both your parents out of this impasse their relationship has fallen into, you must first understand why your mother is this way.

Granted you grew up with her, but the mind of a woman can be very complicating and concealing. She maybe reacting to an issue that happened long before you were born or that happened after their marriage. Remember, it isn’t everything that happened between them that are known to you and your siblings. Certain things will always remain secrets between them; perhaps the reason your father and his family are unable to quit your mother from the marriage.

As her first son, it behooves you to step into the matter to avert the greater tragedy of it, destroying you and your siblings’ views on marriage.

This is the important issue you have to present to your mother when discussing with her.

But you must first of all get the consent and agreement of your siblings so as to prevent a break in rank in your agenda to reconcile your family.

To get your mother to even listen to you, bury your bitterness, resentment and sentiments before approaching her. This is important because you won’t get her to talk if she thinks you are coming with a preconceived verdict of guilt even before she has the chance to explain her actions.

Besides, this isn’t a matter you handle with an over-boiling anger. Despite being their son, these two people are first and foremost a couple hence deserves the right to their privacy on certain things between them. You must learn to appreciate the complexity that is a marriage. If your father wanted help to drive his wife away, he would have long done so despite his health challenge. The fact that he is enduring your mother’s perceived nastiness means there is more to this situation than you can understand.

Furthermore, the woman in question is your mother. You may not really like her attitude now, but she still deserves some respect from you nevertheless.

Importantly, the secret of a marriage is known only to the initiates.

If necessary, get her a nice gift; the kind that will mellow her to give you her time.

Begin by asking her if she loves her children. Doubtless her answer will be a resounding yes. Do a follow up question of what extend she will go to make sure her children are happy.

These questions are to force into considering the happiness of her children.

Arresting her attention and getting her to put the interest of her children above everything else will certainly make her open up on issues you may not know about her marriage.

Gently worm information from her by taking her back to the early days of her meeting with your father.  This is to jog her mind to remembering the reason she married him in the first place. Obviously buried in all her bitternes, is the real reason she married your father. He couldn’t have been the only man that approached her for a relationship but agreeing to marry him among the men that wanted her hand in marriage then meant both of them had something special going for them back then.

The fact that things are not too good between them now, doesn’t mean they weren’t in love once. Forcing her through your subtle questioning will force her to remember all those things she is struggling to bury. Helping her to exhume those feelings long buried in her bitterness, disappointments and resentments will also reduce some of her current antagonism to your father, his family and marriage.

For whatever it is worth, having three children for him shows that certain things clicked between them. One child can be a mistake but not three.

Also, ask her what kind of marriage they had. Sometimes, women can feel cheated if the man didn’t perform all the rites he is supposed to perform on her. If he did, ask her the important question of what your father did to her to make her this bitter.

There is every chance that she might want to withdraw from further conversation as a result of this question, but help her go on by making it clear, that you love her irrespective of what is happening.

By helping her reopen every page of her life with your father, you are psychologically helping her to question the rational of some of the decisions she has taken so far.

If she is proving stubborn, a little bit of threat children use in getting their parents to factor their interests into whatever decision they want to take will make her talk. No matter how terrible a woman is, she doesn’t want to be tagged a bad mother.

Let her realize that if she is unwilling to discuss with you, you and your sisters might be forced to eject her to protect your father’s health.

However, this approach is only necessary if she proves stubborn and unreasonable in your quest to find lasting solutions to the tension in your family.

End your conversation with her by explaining your feelings as well as those of your siblings to her. Don’t hold anything back, let her know your concerns, disappointments, embarrassments and helplessness at the situation in your family.

Before going to your father with what she said about him and his people, ask her if she is willing to make things work for the sake of her children.

Go to your father too for his side of the story. Listen to what he has to say, his regrets, the mistakes he has made, whether knowingly or unknowingly.

Let him say too if he is willing to make his marriage work despite all the pains and shame he has suffered in the process of all these.

You may also have to discuss with your extended family members from both sides. There must be elders in your father’s and mother’s families you can talk to and who has the respect of your parents.

Getting all parties to a round table conference will go a long way in getting all involved parties to air their views and collectively find a panacea to this challenge.

Once there is enough sincerity, resolve and love to overshadow this challenge on the part of everybody within your family circle, a solution will be worked out.

Most times good decisions are difficult to make but if it comes to taking that tricky decision once it is apparent to all that peace maybe far fetched, in the interest of your father’s health, the family should not hesitate even if it is temporarily.

In addition, learn to pray for your parents. Every marriage needs prayers to succeed.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626