It is also so confusing

Dear Agatha,

I’m 29 years old and a senior staff in one of the Federal Government agencies. There is this guy in my life who, according to my mother, is related to her side of the family. My elder brother helped him and I to secure our present jobs and lived in the same house with my brother until he got a place of his own.   We’d always been close and knew about the persons in our two lives but we never ceased to be there for each other.

When he moved into his own apartment, I was always visiting him and would cook and help him with some domestic work.

One day, he called me to our relaxation centre, as was his habit. 

Astonishingly, he offered me drink but refused to offer me a glass with which to drink. He told me he won’t unless I took the one in his mouth which I didn’t delay in collecting from him after which we both left for his house. After sometime spent on discussing with him, I told him to see me off to my brother’s place. 

On reaching my brother’s place, he wished me good night but came back to kiss me. 

I felt weird, but I reciprocated and before long, we got used to it. From there we became an item, so much so, I couldn’t live without him. Since we were always together, at times he would stop me from answering my guy’s calls. 

He got to the point of asking me if we could get married as well as angry any time my boy friend visited me. He is very attracted to me.

I can honestly say we both love each other but the problem we both have is, my boy friend who has already proposed to me will die if I leave him. 

His girlfriend too is always on his neck as she wants him to marry her by all means. Could it be that we both made a huge mistake? I love him and he doesn’t want any guy around me. What can I do? I don’t want to lose my friend neither does he want to lose me too.

Worried Lady M

Dear Worried Lady M,

Given the way you feel about your friend, it would be unfair to continue with your boyfriend irrespective of whatever he is saying about killing himself.

It is best you hurt him now than later when both of you must have gotten married. The truth about this situation is, you will eventually leave him since you have given your heart to someone else. You cannot marry one man while another one has your heart. It is either you give up this man now and learn to love your boyfriend all over again or be bold enough to confront him with your feelings for the other man.

Sincerely, you are not protecting him from anything by playing along with him. The situation you are trying to prevent now will certainly come to play if you refuse to be honest to yourself and this man.

When it comes to matters of the heart, there is no mercy killing. Being blunt about where one is helps to prevent a greater tragedy.

Also the issue at hand transcends your feelings for this other man. It has to do with your person. Not being able to resist the temptation of the other man calls to question the depth of your feelings for your boyfriend. Had you been married, what would have been your reactions to the invitations of your friend to drink from his mouth?

The speed of your acceptance of his request shows that deep down you too wanted it.

This is the crux of this whole challenge. Granted that the two of you don’t live in the same town but having given your heart to your boyfriend, you had no right to be involved with this friend of yours or given room for any kind of feelings to grow. That you willingly went into his embrace means your feelings for your boyfriend isn’t as strong as you think.

Also, being constantly in the company of the other man could induce feelings that are not really love. The situation you both find yourselves in can be really tricky for a man and woman who aren’t so focused on their own relationships. A man can be easily stimulated to like a woman no matter what but a woman who is determined to protect her relationship and self respect, will finds way of bluffing way through such slippery terrain without harming the friendship she is trying to build with the other man.

The point, he told you to drink from his mouth was when you could have put a complete stop to any attempt on his part to take your relationship to the next level; when you should have reminded him in clear terms of your commitments to other persons.

That you didn’t, make whatever attempts you are making to protect your boyfriend from emotional pains is deceptive.

A woman should never put herself in a position to be compromised by either a friend or stranger.

To avoid you making a greater mistake than you have already made, use the opportunity of this incident to scrutinize your feelings with a view of knowing which of them really has the staying power over you.

Remember you don’t have time to be sentimental but to be truthful to yourself because at the end of the day you are the one who will be living the decisions you have made. You are the principal in this situation hence you must take steps to protect your future at all cost.

If you are not happy, you will never be able to give any form of happiness to any man at the end of the day.

Once you know, be bold enough to take the appropriate decision. Explain to who you are leaving, the reason you are doing so.

Follow this by moving clear of the man to allow the other relationship progress. But, to help you come to decision that you will not regret, you may need to take a break out of town to avoid any of these men influencing your decision in any way.

While at it, ask your mother about the strength of your relationship with each other.

Ask the pointed question of whether the relationship between the two of you allows you both to proceed beyond the point you are in now. The essence of this is to address the issue wholesomely rather than in piece meal. Once you are able to clear out every area of this entanglement, you have unwittingly placed on your shoulders, what you should do would become more defined.

Above all, learn to be more transparent in future. The mess here is you getting involved with another man without first settling outstanding issues in your previous relationship.

It is also imperative you factor the hold of the other girl on her man. If this man is serious with you, by now he should have told his girlfriend about his disinterest in their relationship. This is the point you have to be careful. From all you have said, your life is being dictated by what he wants; this isn’t healthy for you or the relationship.

Be very careful you don’t end up being the loser at the end of the day.

Good luck.

-Share a problem  With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626