How can I get through to her?

Dear Agatha,

I appreciate all your efforts to others. I have a sister that I live with, as a stranger. What I mean is that, my relationship with her is like that of a distant person even though we live in the same house. I have tried to make her my best-friend, but the more I try, the less I succeed. She hardly tells me things especially about her male friends. 

Each time I ask a question, she would refuse to answer insisting I mustn’t know everything about her. Is it right for her to have her own secrets? 

I’m really scared for her and wouldn’t want her making mistakes she would regret later. Worst still, she hardly takes advice from me or anyone at home. She is always claiming to be right and knows what’s best for her. I respect that though, but I want to give her some advice that can be useful to her only if she can open up a little bit.

 She is in her early 20s and still in the university. I need some advice from you as to what I can do to have a good relationship with my sister.                                  Worried Sibling.

Dear Worried Sibling,

Chances are in your growing years, subtle sibling rivalries; jealousies at the disposition of your parents towards each of you caused this major bricks-wall in your relationship. Sometimes too, the overbearing attitude of older siblings to their younger ones also make the younger ones, very secretive about their lives to avoid unnecessary rancor and bad feelings in the house.

These feelings may not have been intentionally generated but are nevertheless there and go into the future to deprive siblings of that natural loseness.

It takes a lot of patience and understanding to undo all the pains, not too pleasant memories of those early years.

Sincerely, it is not by poke-nosing into her private affairs that you   achieve the closeness you obviously crave for.

By wanting to know about her private life, you not only put her on a defensive but spur her determination not to say anything to you.

Rather than advertise your so called interest in her private life with so much force, which to your sister is uncalled for and very questionable, begin by trying to unlock her reason for wanting to keep things to herself.

To do this right, ask yourself the obvious question of your contribution to what this young woman has become. You could have over done things as well as over demanded respect as an elder sister when you should have offered her friendship in those early years.

You cannot demand for such information you seek from or offer the kind of concern to a person who has never been your friend. Such things are only shared with someone you have a history of confidentiality.

From your younger sister’s attitude, you have never earned her trust to demand for information on her relationships.

The best route to getting her to soften up to you is; to first of all befriend her by getting to find out who she really is. It isn’t about being siblings but about becoming good friends. This is because a time comes in the lives of siblings when seniority gives way to understanding and friendship.

First you have to learn to respect her wishes and not try to force your opinion or thoughts on her. She is no longer a child; give her credit for her actions and decisions. Even if you don’t agree with whatever she is doing, there are better ways of getting her to open up than the use of tyranny which you are employing to get her to open up to you.

The moment you accept that you could have hurt her by your methods in the past, the easier it becomes for you to get her close to you.

To earn her trust, you must give room for her to make fun of you, laugh with and at you without fear of provoking the anger of the elder sister or of being accused of lacking in respect for one older than her.

You must get round her resentment of you by asking her pointed questions on what went wrong between the two of you in your growing up years. She has to see a genuine concern by you to mend the broken fences of yesteryears before she can have confidence to allow you into her restricted area.

Sometimes too, the fault could come from the label the entire family give to a particular child as a result of his or her peculiar character. simply because parents think  one child difficult doesn’t mean every other member of the family should go with that appellation. To do that is to isolate the child and make him or her very careless about the feelings of every other member of the family.

Since you clearly do not know what is wrong, there is no harm in asking her out-rightly what her grouses are and how you can be of help.

You must get her to talk first about all her resentments against you and others. It is called unlocking the entrapped pains of the past. Her memory bank must be free from every unpleasant recollection of the past. One of her angers could be, why are you now concerned about her life, her mistakes, when you have never bothered to find out about her and the way she felt in the past?

Getting to discover her will give you glimpses into her thoughts, reasoning as well as what makes her tick.

Furthermore, you must also be ready to share your stories of experiences with her. You must open up to her on your sadness, disappointments as well as joy to get her to trust you with her own special moments.

It is called trading respect and friendship.

Note that trust isn’t something that happens in a day; it takes time to entrench. Therefore don’t be in a hurry to fast track it. You have to set the basis for it by going out of your way to share secret information about yourself with her. The deal here is, if you cannot share your secrets with her, why expect her to willingly share hers with you?

She has to stop seeing you in whatever mold she has placed you previously, before you can get her talk to you so freely about herself and life.

She is set against interferences because you make it so obvious that you have all the panaceas to the problems of relationships and that is the reason for your coming close to her.

Perhaps, this is also a clarion call to other members of the family to rethink their opinions of her. You should be the catalyst of change to reconcile every member of the family.

Your concern for her should be seen to transcend her relationship to her comfort wthin the family.

Once you are able to drag her out of her self imposed prison, getting her to give you her secret file to peruse and discuss will come naturally.

In addition, you must always bear in mind that unsolicited advices aren’t enforced on people; to make them priceless and appreciated they have to be demanded for. Obviously, there is nothing very wrong in her relationships to make her crave for help yet. No matter how hard-lined a person is, it will get to a point in that person’s life when seeking for help becomes inevitable.

Until she is ready, you cannot force her to listen to whatever you say or appreciate your concern for her.

You should also learn to pray for her especially and all other members of your family in general.

There is nothing beyond prayers in our quest to do the right things in life.

Good luck.