I’m not too sure about her love

Dear Agatha.

Thank you so much for you concerns over the problems of people. I’m always impressed by your opinions. I want to share with you my own problems.
There is this lady I pursued for a relationship for upwards of four years from the very early moment that we entered into the university.

 She was always giving me the cold shoulders because of a relationship she told me from the very first day I made my intentions known she was into. She said she wouldn’t want anything to destroy it.  

That was her story until our final year when she called me to give me the answer I always desired from her. When I demanded to know what happened with her relationship, she told me the man involved wasn’t interested in marrying her again as he has answered to the call of priesthood. 

I was glad at this piece of news. However, I have become increasingly worried of recent following the ASUU strike. She has not been calling me as frequent as I think she ought to be doing. This is making me doubt her even though I know she is a stickler to her words as well as truth.  

Besides, I don’t want any situation where after committing myself to her,
she ends up disappointing me.

Worried Boyfriend.

Dear Worried Boyfriend,

The foundation of everything in life is trust. There can be no progress without an element of trust. You must have to trust in your own judgment to belief in what this thing is all about.

For a relationship especially, once there is draught of confidence in the person and his or her words, it becomes absolutely impossible to motor the pedal of the relationship.

No matter what your doubts are, learn to have faith in her words which you yourself acknowledged as her bonds. You don’t have to wait for her to be the one calling you; you also have a huge responsibility to her. If the truth must be told, she is going through clouds of doubts too. Like every normal human being, she may easily come to the conclusions that you may not be as smitten as you were about her when you first approached her considering the reason for finally accepting your offer of a relationship with her.

It is too early to become worried. As a man who cares for his woman, your major responsibility and concern should be to find out what is happening to her, not use her silence to question her loyalty as well as commitment to you.

She too could be putting you on display; to know what your reactions to her would be should she not call you as often as she ought to have done.

Besides, when in doubt of anything be bold enough to ask openly to avert the negative consequences doubt visits on a striving relationship.

The danger of pursuing this line of thoughts is that you would be bringing back all her pains of the disappointment of her previous relationship. Don’t ignore the fact that she didn’t give him up of her own free will. She lost him to the service of God. There is no way she won’t from time to time remember her loss. She told you the whole truth concerning that relationship because she knew she could trust you with the information as well as gain your support to be herself.

Give her all the understanding she deserves by trying to see her or call. Find out if you could come over to visit her, to see how she is doing. This is what a relationship is about. You must be willing to make the essential sacrifice for the sustenance of your relationship.

Also, you must find ways of getting to understand her the more by asking the right questions concerning her own challenges and hopes in life.

That she is now your girlfriend is just the beginning. For a man who invested four years chasing after a woman, you should take the relationship more serious than you are.

If you wait for her to make the next move, she might not, given the fact that she is yet to heal from the loss of her previous relationship. Should you be cold or doubting of her sincerity, she could be more reflective of the wisdom of coming to you instead of going to a completely neutral person.

This could really make her more dissatisfied and discouraging of staying in the relationship.

And if you doubt the depth of her feelings or reasons to think she came to you on a rebound, be bold enough to ask her. Just as she has a right to be happy, you too have a right to assurances from her.

By making clear your fears concerning the viability of the relationship, given the circumstances she came to you, you signal your willingness to give this relationship a solid chance of survival.

Providing the platform will enable both of you move on without the excess baggage of doubts, regrets and disappointment. It will also help you two focus on the important things that should be put in place to grow your relationship.

It is a matter of knowing how much you want her and to go about it.

At every point, learn to objectively discuss your doubts.

Good luck.

She couldn’t even wait for my return

Dear Agatha,

Please help me. I have been in a relationship with this girl for two years. We were very close until late 2011, when I left for South Africa. I returned to Nigeria to find out she’s dating someone else. I have tried to ease her off my mind since I returned three months ago but to no avail. 

Although she didn’t tell me anything, I can see the writing on the wall. I’m confused that I can’t find a replacement!  

Confused Guy.

Dear Confused Guy,

There is nothing you can do at this point but to move on. she has made her choice; you cannot force someone who isn’t willing to continue in a relationship to go on.

In addition it isn’t every relationship that must end in marriage.

Experiences like this only help to define life better. If you are astute, you will know what to avoid in your next relationship.

Furthermore, not every relationship has the resilience to withstand the loneliness necessitated by long distance. The truth be told, a man or woman used to having sex on demand and whose body cannot stay without it for a long time will not be able to cope with the knowledge of having his or her partner so far off. If your girlfriend falls under this category, she may really have wanted to wait for you but had to do what she did to prevent the greater scandal of her sleeping with different men hence her decision to settle for one person.

Also, it would depend on the understanding you both had before you traveled. If your relationship was an open-ended one, it would be asking for too much to expect her to wait for you.

Whatever might have happened, move on but not before you are completely healed of the emotional pains of this relationship. The reason for this is simple, if you go into a relationship in your current state of mind, you will not only end up hurting the innocent woman but also yourself at the end of the day.

So clean up your act by asking her pointed questions on why she left you the way she did.

This is necessary to enable you rest the ghost of this relationship once and for all.

No matter what you do, be patient enough to heal so you can have the broadness of mind to begin afresh. If you should go into a relationship in your present state of mind, you might never be able to give your best considering that your mind is still fixed on the circumstances your ex left you.

Irritating as this may sound, the naked truth is that she is happy with the choice she has made; you owe it to yourself as well to be happy by making the decision to let by gone be.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626