I don’t understand him any more

Dear Agatha,

I’m 21 years old. My relationship is two years old. Things went on smoothly when we started. He cared and took very good care of me. There was nothing I asked of him that he didn’t give me. However, all that changed recently. 

These days, he finds it difficult to part with his money so much so I have to fight him to give me money for my personal needs. It isn’t as if the money isn’t there but for reasons beyond me, he has changed dramatically.

These days when he makes a promise, you can bet, it is an empty one as he would never keep to it. Though he initially came to my parents to ask
for my hand in marriage, I turned down his request because I wanted to be sure of the kind of man I would be spending the rest of my life with. 

But what is
happening between us now is what I can’t define. 

Please advise me as I’m
confused and don’t know what to do.

 Julietlaz.

Dear Julietlaz,

Just as you have a right to ascertain the true nature of the man you intend spending the rest of your life with, so does this man.

He too might just be on a quest to determine the kinds of reactions to expect from you if he lacks the money or time to invest in your maintenance.

Frankly from your reactions, you have failed. There is no law on earth that says he must be responsible for your everyday need. Before you met him, you had a life of your own, took care of all the essentials you are now heaping on him as his responsibilities.

In the first place, why do you think he has the money and is only refusing to give it to you? Did you force him all those times he took it upon himself to meet with your every demand? He did it because he wanted to and had the money to meet with your demands.

At 21, you are not too young to appreciate that there are times in one’s life things are not just working as expected; when money would take a flight to God knows where.

The fact that you need cream, soap and other personal needs but lacks the money to buy them for yourself, should have told you that this man may not have to give you now.

Besides, life is a picture of turns and bends. There is never a complete straight line in life.

For a girl who cannot buy her cream, you more than anyone else, should be able to show understanding in this kind of situation. If you can experience lack, what makes you think it impossible for him to also go through the same experience?

Furthermore, that he agreed to your demands at the beginning doesn’t make you his responsibility. He did those things to make you feel good as well as communicate his ability to care for you.

Don’t forget you are not yet his wife and even if you are his wife, a reasonable woman should not depend on her man completely for her every need. The economic situation in the country is such that a woman must find ways to be reasonably independent in terms of getting herself and children certain basic things outside her husband.

If a man has to shoulder the basic responsibility of buying your cream, soap, sanitary towels and make-up, how do you expect such a man to make progress in life or the confidence to pursue a relationship to its conclusion with you?

If at this early stage you have foisted on him this burden, one shudders to think of the kinds of responsibilities you would demand of him in the years to come.

This is one mistake capable of making a man reconsider his decision to marry a particular woman. To think, all you could do is fight him over his inability to provide for you is another major cause of concern.

The fact that you couldn’t reason with him, understand his situation and offer him useful suggestions or prayers to help him out of any situation that is making him incapable of doing those things he has been doing for you is enough to make any man beat a fast retreat. If indeed he is testing you, you have scored a resounding zero.

The sad truth about life is that both men and women live in the same society; just as it is difficult for a woman to make ends meet so also is it for the man. That God made it mandatory for the man to provide for his family doesn’t mean the woman must be insensitive and unreasonable in her demands.

A good marriage or relationship is one founded on understanding and appreciation of what the other has to offer. If at this nascent stage of this relationship, you have to fight him over his inability to provide for your needs, what kind of impression are you giving him about the future he plans to spend with you? What would happen in the future if he has profound financial challenges that require you to step in as the bread winner for a while? Given your kind of attitude, can this man depend on you? Can he move on with the assurances that he has a wife who will not add to his pressures in life?

The irony of life is, no matter how meticulously one plans for the future, there will always be a time when one’s finances would experience a certain kind of hiccup. This is why a man needs a woman who is resourceful, dependable and understanding. If you cannot understand and bear little challenges, would you be able to stand by this man in the days when money will dance its disappearing act?

It isn’t just enough to love a man when he has, but to offer him every deserving support when he is down and out. A woman who fights her man at the slightest sign of lack cannot be entrusted by the man to make him a good wife.

If you want this man in your life, you must first of all think of what you want from life itself. Truthfully, your current predicament has nothing to do with this man; rather it has all to do with what your values are and the reason you went into a relationship with him in the first place.

The mere fact that you fought him on account of his inability to meet with your demands highlights the kind of lifestyle you have adopted. This is perhaps the most unfortunate thing about all that is happening to you. Unwittingly, you have without saying anything, told him that you depend on men to buy your basic needs. No matter how much you try to erase this impression, your attitude would make it difficult for him to believe anything else.

Whether or not you both have a future together isn’t as important as you working on this aspect of your character. You need to disentomb whatever informed this attitude of yours if you want to stay married later in life. Don’t make yourself a liability to anybody; rather be an asset to a man who wants you for his wife. You don’t have to come from a comfortable background to grow respect and a worthy character in your abilities as a woman.

If you want this man, first go and apologise to him for your behavior. Tell him you are ready to change and that you would need his help to become a better you.

Find out what kinds of challenges he is passing through and offer him the little help you can.

Every man needs a supportive woman in his life to be happy. Listen to whatever he says are your fault. You may not entirely agree with all he has to say about you, but accept them with a view of using them as a guide towards self growth.

Because the journey ahead of you is one that is still far, learn to be truthful to yourself at all times, never judging people by your own limited and selfish standards but by God’s standards. Learn to be fair especially when it comes to issues of the heart. By pegging your every dream to the hem of God’s garment, you set yourself up for success and joy. If you really love this man, learn to endure with him.

And if the problem is, doubt concerning your sincerity with him, give him all the assurances that you love him and not his money.

Good luck.

-Share a problem with Auntie Agatha on gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626