They’re against my choice of woman

Dear Agatha, I stay with my elder brother who doesn’t talk or discuss anything with me. He doesn’t know how I feed, cloth or survive. I am always very sad because I am not in school like my mates. It isn’t as if I don’t desire to further my education but, I lack the means as well as the support of my siblings too. Where I work, I am paid N25,000. I plan to leave my brother’s place since everybody thinks he is helping me, when he isn’t it. My salary is too small for me to do anything tangible with. Out of this money, I feed, cloth and transport myself. At the end of the day, there is nothing left. One day, I met this lady through the internet. She was then living in Kano. We got talking and exchanged numbers. Along the line she told me she would be coming to Lagos to visit her mother; initially she declined my request that we meet; but later agreed and we met for the first time. I fell in love with her. We exchanged information about our lives. I discovered she is a soldier. When I told her about my plight as well as desire to further my education, she agreed to support me through school and gave me N5, 000.00 to buy a form so I could go back to school. She made me promise not to disappoint her like the guy she was dating before she met me did. She later got a transfer to Lagos. At a point, she wanted us to live together after her visit to my place but I explained to her that the place belonged to my brother so she put up at her mother’s place during the time it took the military authority to get her a place. She was eventually given a two bedroom flat. Finally I gained admission and we are planning getting married despite my not having money. She is 26 while I am 28. When my sister saw her for the first time, she complained that she was too old for me. My brother too is also very annoyed at my plans and my sleeping in the girl’s house. My people are totally against me marrying her, not withstanding the fact that since meeting her, a lot of things have changed positively for me. When we were writing exams, I begged my brother for N3, 000.00; he refused; it was this girl that gave me the money. Now that we are planning a formal introduction, I am not sure any member of my family will support it because I don’t have anything. I am very positive they won’t support my living with her in the barracks; they don’t even know she is a soldier. The question is, is it right for me to live with her in the barracks? She won’t allow me use my money to pay rent, even if I have when she has a free two bedroom flat to herself. Confused Man. Dear Confused Man, First and foremost, at 28, you are past the age of consent. You are a grown man, who in particular has experienced hardship and almost a bleak future as a result of lack of sponsors for your educational quest. If this lady, without considering your financial situation or lack of adequate education, agreed to, not just a relationship with you, but using her hard earned money to fulfill your desire to have good education, why should your family, who never offered support when you most needed it, complain? Sincerely, your family, through their neglect of you forfeited their right to influence your decision on any matter. Be that as it may; aren’t you two rather too hasty in your decision to marry? How much of each other do you know? So many things add up to make a marriage successful. For how long do you expect her to continue to support you? At least, you still have your N25,000.00 job. Generous as this lady maybe, as the man you should, no matter how small, contribute your bits to the plans both of you are making. She isn’t the one marrying you; you are the one marrying her because she is going to bear your name. Granted, her eagerness may not be unconnected with fears of you disappointing her after her huge investment on you, reality however beckons that both of you should plan your lives in such a way that you won’t be disappointed later in life. One thing is to conduct a successful relationship; another is to have a workable marriage. You may not think anything is wrong now in collecting money from her but it would get to a point she would resent being the one spending all the money in the house. Women are naturally built to receive from men; not give all the time. From time to time, a woman when forced by situation to play the lead role, does so but not when the man puts all the responsibility on her. If you are going to marry her, it would be ridiculous for you to expect her to pay for her own dowry as well as for all the expenses of the entire ceremony. The question of whether it is proper to stay with her in the barracks should be the least of your worries because by the time you get to that point, both of you will find a way round it. The military authorities have provisions for civilian husbands for their female officers. It isn’t as important as the issue of both of you planning your future properly. Even if her family isn’t complaining now, a time would come when they would if it comes to their notice that their daughter is the one footing all the bills in the relationship. If your love for each other is genuine, there is no tempest it cannot survive. It is a matter of absolute determination on your parts to stay together. So, you both don’t have to hurry into a marriage you haven’t really prepared for. As a man, how much do you know about the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with? Aside the money you are getting from her, are you sincere with yourself about loving her? If she wasn’t offering all the help to you, would you have considered her as one you would want to spend the rest of your life with? From what you have seen of her, do you think you have what it takes to be a good and effective husband to her? Deep down, aren’t you afraid that her personality will consume yours? Is she as submissive as you would want her to be? Irrespective of what you think of your family, do you think they have a point in what they are saying about her? Don’t neglect the fact that it is your life that is at stake. While age may not be a factor in marriage per-se, do you think she could be lying about hers? The point here is trust. These questions are not meant to deter you from marrying her, but to help you in particular come to a full understanding of the issues enveloped in marriage. This is because there is no going back once you give your full consent. The fact that your brother didn’t sponsor your education isn’t an issue. If you were really prepared to go to school, you could have done it on your own. A lot of people your age, with that salary would still have forged ahead especially as they had free accommodation. So your motive for staying with her, you must also examine because unlike other women, you can afford to dump after getting what you want from them, this lady wouldn’t be that easy if that is what you have in mind. Give your relationship sometime to firm up. Subject it to the challenges of two people with your different backgrounds coming together to make a life. It is therefore imperative for both of you to openly discuss your fears, options as well as these questions I have asked to enable both of you appreciate the full implications of what you are going into. Good luck.