She doesn’t have time for me anymore

Dear Agatha, The first time my family met with her, she was just my friend. She hadn’t agreed to be my girlfriend. But before l left for the United States, she accepted the proposal to be my girlfriend. While here, I decided that I needed to be more serious and focus on the reasons that brought me to this country. When I told her of my decision, she wasn’t happy and went to my family in tears to report me. I had to accept her back and we continued with our relationship. Later she confessed sleeping with another man when I told her I need the break. I was angry. She used to tell me I don’t have much time for her, though I called her almost everyday. Now she has moved to Ukraine where she is also studying. Since moving to that country her excuse for not calling as she used to, is now lack of time, not even to chat on the facebook. Though, things are currently not going on well with her. We are both studying medicine and I still make out time to call her or chat with her. Can you please give me an idea of what’s going on? Worried Boyfriend. Dear Worried Boyfriend, Things may not be going as she expected. Don’t forget what it was like for you when you first got to your host country. I am sure the kinds of pressures that made you decide to end the relationship with her then and focus on your studies, are precisely what she too is currently facing. This of course is in addition to learning how to speak the language. Unlike United States, where English is spoken, in Ukraine, her first challenge would be the language barrier. She must learn how to speak their language to fit into their system. You didn’t have that challenge. In her shoes, you may not really have the generosity of time to chat or talk. Although, this isn’t an excuse but you must appreciate her challenge and situation by looking at all the things you initially faced when you first got to the United States. It couldn’t have been a tea party else you wouldn’t have considered the option of ending the relationship with her then. The ideal thing is for you to ask her what her challenges are. Encourage her to talk about it, dropping hints of your own experiences to help her understand what your concerns are. To discourage or suspect her of anything without concrete proof is to garment your own excuses at that time you were having them with the same suspicions you are now having concerning her. To begin with, alluding to a relationship she had when you told her you were no longer interested in the relationship would be grossly unfair under this circumstance. As someone who had issues too in the beginning, you are in the best position to understand that the first few months of relocating from all known things to something entirely new, isn’t easy at all. Just as you thought your studies were all that mattered then, she too maybe going through that phase; thinking that keeping her distance from a relationship would help her focus more on her studies. Because there is no school as definite as the one of experience, loan her yours by developing understanding ears to her current plight. Even if she isn’t calling, take it upon yourself to do all the calling at least for the next two months. Ignore the quality of your Facebook chats. Continue with her and if she isn’t responding or doing so in monologues, ignore that too until convinced it is more than the issue at hand. It is also important you take into cognizance the impact of the distance between the two of you. First, she was alone after you left and now in Ukraine, she is still without you. It can be very lonely for a woman used to having her man around her. No matter how strong a love is, it can be defeated by distance especially as both of you are young and opened to temptations. Just as you would have indulged in one or two causal relationships since arriving United States, she too would have had one or two more promising offers. Being a young lady, she is most likely to consider a relationship nearer her and with someone she gets to see constantly. All these are angles you should from time to time put into consideration. By the time you are sure that there is more to the issues wrong with her, you would have absolved yourself of any blame. It would be obvious to all that she is the one who doesn’t want the relationship anymore. Even at that, still make attempts to make her come clean with whatever it is that is bothering her. It is only when she isn’t forthcoming and continues to freeze you off that you should allow her go. At that point there would be nothing left for you to do. Good luck.