He is old enough to be my father

Dear Agatha, I am 23 and have just finished my youth service in Eboyi State. I lost my father when I was 10 years of age. My mother, a petty trader didn’t have much help from my father’s family. Being three girls, they said investing in our education would amount to bad investment as we would end up in other families. But for the insistence of my paternal grandfather who overruled the decision to send my mother and us out of the family house, only God knows how she would have coped. Before my grandfather died, he was the only one who cared if we ate or not. Anytime my mother was crying over unpaid fees or lack of food, he would come with money which he saved from his feeding allowances his other children normally send him. He did that without the knowledge of the other children because they would have protested. His death three years after meant we had to depend on ourselves to survive. Fortunately, the matter of us quitting the house didn’t come up again. We hawked, worked as house help to go through school. When I was in SSS2, things became almost impossible. I was almost dropping out of school because we couldn’t feed let alone pay school fees. Things were very bad and my mother didn’t know what to do. One day, I came back home from where I had gone to search for a cleaning job to meet an elderly man whom my mother said would help with my education. She only said the man was an old friend. From that point, things changed for better for us. My mother suddenly had enough money to open a big supermarket in the village and before long, she was riding a car. The man became a regular visitor to our home. I thought he was dating my mother but she never went out with him and he had nothing but respect for my mother. I was too happy to bother them. Any way they were adults and free to do whatever they desired with their bodies. The man obviously had money because he insisted my younger siblings be withdrawn from public schools to one of the most expensive private schools in our state. He bought a house for us and we packed from our family house to our new place. I also noticed that a number of my father’s relatives that were very hostile to us in the beginning became friendly and were now visiting us more often. While at the university, the man would come to visit me and whenever he did, he would come with handful of gifts items. He never failed to tell me to come to him whenever I needed money or anything. My mother also said this much. Both of them always warned me against keeping male friends and the few times I brought some friends home, they didn’t like it. I decided not to upset both of them by keeping my boyfriend out of view. When I was posted to Eboyi State for my youth service, he came often to see me. He would always tell me he was in town for one business or the other and so decided to visit me. I didn’t suspect anything until I came back from my youth service. My mother called me to a meeting where this man whom I have come to respect as a father figure was present. My father’s only brother and his two sisters were also there. It was there they told me that this man was my husband and that they had already accepted the bride price. That it was based on this agreement he did all those things he did for us. This man is over 60. He is a widower with grown up children living abroad. After they all left, my mother said she was forced into the agreement to protect our future. She said she kept quiet about the arrangement because she knew I would never agree. She said I should consider the future of my siblings whom he had promised to sponsor abroad by agreeing to his marriage proposal. She added it would be selfish of me not to oblige her request simply because I had finished my education. I have a boyfriend I plan to marry. I would have gladly dropped out of school had I known of this plan. My mother is threatening to disown me and the man says he would sue my family for betraying his trust if I don’t marry him. He has already withdrawn the car he gave my mother and said he would take back the house which unknown to us was bought in his name. My boyfriend who works with a multinational oil company has promised to help with the education of my siblings but my mother isn’t just ready to listen. The fact that my boyfriend’s father has gotten me a job in the bank where he is the chairman is not enough to appease my mother who says it would take time for my boyfriend to have the kind of money to take care of my siblings and herself. She has set her eyes on the wealth of this other man without considering my own happiness. I don’t know what to do. Agatha, how do I get out of his mess? How on earth did my mother get me into this? Charity. Dear charity, Don’t panic. At 23, you are an adult capable of making your decision. Since you were not part of the agreement between the man and your mother; he cannot really come out to accuse you of anything. Granted the man would feel a measure of hurt and perhaps betrayal, he should hold your mother and father’s siblings responsible for this current development. But that doesn’t stop you from going to plead with him for understanding and forgiveness on account of looking after you and your siblings when it mattered the most. He made life easier for you and gave you through sound education an opportunity you would never have had were you left hawking on streets. That you met a man like your boyfriend and his family is as a result of the opportunity he gave you. Fairy tales don’t happen again so the era of poor Cinderella meeting her price charming is far removed as the earth is from the sky. For this reason, go and beg him to let you off the hook. It is obvious your mother would never give ears to your pleas, so you have to do this on your own. Ask him what would be his reaction if his wife were to force his daughter to marry a man old enough to be her father? Go on your knees and plead with him. Commit whatever you would say at the meeting to God who is able to change the hearts of men. Ask God to soften his heart so that he can listen without anger to all you have to say. Let him know that had you known from the beginning, you would never have allowed him to invest his money and time on you and the family. Make him understand you would remain eternally grateful for all he did for you and your family but, he should put himself in your shoes. Tell him you have always regarded him as the father you lost when you were just 10 years old. Don’t expect him to listen to you on the first day of your visit or that his forgiveness would be automatic. You might have to go repeatedly and with your boyfriend to make his stance towards you thaw. Your mother has created a situation for you, which needs careful handling to ensure you have a smooth sail in future. If he insists on his money, work out a payment schedule as part of your efforts at reparation and restitution. Plead with him to regard his financial assistance as a form of soft loan which you are willing to pay within a time frame that is convenient for both of you. It is a pity you are being made to mop a mess you were not part from the beginning but, which nevertheless you are a prime beneficiary of. To be fair to this man, he has a right to be angry; it is very important you understand this fact, no matter how irritating the whole episode appears to you or his childish reactions to your decision. A lot of the problems we confront today in our lives are those created by our parents. Don’t expend energy getting angry with your mother. It isn’t worth it. She apparently didn’t pause to think or consider the implications of her actions. Sometimes, poverty can make the most reasonable person behave in a way that calls to question that person’s sanity. Even though this doesn’t reasonably justify your mother’s action, you still have to be reasonable to navigate this maze successfully. Fighting too many battles at this critical point would be too much for you to handle at once. If after repeated attempts to plead with him, he insists it is either he marries you or nothing, call his bluff as well as your mother’s. With time, this will blow over and she will come to support your love for your man. Good luck.