My mother is against our relationship

Dear Agatha, I am 29 years old fresh law graduate of Abia State University, resident in Umuahia. I am currently in love with a man who is 39. He is not rich but comfortable. I got into relationship with him four years ago though at that time I didn’t know that he was married. Each time I tried to raise issue about his status; he would deliberately waive it off. After about a year, he disappeared and wasn’t showing up at my place so I got on with my life though I missed him. To my surprise and joy, he resurfaced last year December and proposed to me in January. He confessed he was married as at the time we met and that he was having serious marital issues with his wife as at then. He said they were now separated due to irreconcilable differences; a year ago. He claimed to have always loved me but was being careful because of the wife. He assured me everything was settled and had to stay off for sometime to be sure he wasn’t just getting into another relationship because of his failed marriage. The man like me, is from a very disciplined Christian home. I have taken it upon myself to verify the truth in all he told me from other sources. He has been very honest with me. His parents and siblings insist that the marriage must be dissolved to preserve the man’s life. He married the woman who was five years older than him almost immediately after meeting him without courtship. He married the woman on the recommendation of a trusted friend of his whom he contacted to source for a wife for him. Because his friend was dating the girl’s mother, a fact my man wasn’t aware of as at the time he married the lady. He was blind to so many facts including the age difference as well as her desperation to hook any man who came her way. They started making babies almost immediately. He began to notice the unbearable flaws in her two years into the marriage and the fact that she is older. His first attempt at terminating the marriage was stalled by the intervention of the church and the village head. He allowed her back and she became more terrible. I can confidently say he shares no blame in the breakup of the marriage but for the sake of fair play, I would apportion 20% of the blame to him. The problem now is I still live at home with my parents and since my mother always see the man with me; I gave her details about him. Now I wish I didn’t. She has threatened to hands off me if I keep seeing the guy. The man has three kids from his failed marriage. The first is five years of age, (this one stays with him) the second, is three (this one stays with his sister), while the last child is with his ex. They got married in the church and in the traditional way. My mother’s fear is that when these kids grow up, they would make my stay in the house uncomfortable. She also nurses the fear that my husband’s attitude might change towards me later and that if his ex doesn’t remarry, she would stop at nothing to make sure I am never happy in that house. She gave me instances of women who have bitter tales to tell from similar marriages. To drive home her point, she uses hurtful words on me. She is convinced that the ex might think that I am responsible for the break-up of the marriage. I have been patient with her explaining that this man holds the key to my happiness. Agatha, I understand her fears and the risks involved in this kind of venture. I am not a toddler and have seen other people’s marriages succeed. My feeling for this guy is deep and I am convinced we would be happy together. It is obvious even to my mother that this guy loves me and he would do anything to make me happy. I love my mum so much but the issue has created tension between us that we are almost not on speaking terms. The situation is even affecting her health. Even though I am prepared to wait for another two years, I have suitors at home and abroad but no matter how much I try, I can’t do without this guy. My mother thinks his presence around me will continue to put those guys off, this much I know but I don’t mind because I care so much about him. I am the first in a family of six girls and a boy. Four of us are graduates while two of my sisters are married. Agatha, I am not saying his attitude towards this whole issue is wrong or right. But I am confident everything shall be well. I have confided in two senior friends and I guess your place will definitely be the best place before I take the final decision. Please let your advice be extensive. Please be blunt and direct with me. Thanks for your efforts. Ugoji Dear Ugoji, Though you requested that I send this reply via your mailbox, I have since stopped that because it defeats the essence of this page. The idea for this page is for us to learn from each other’s problems and solutions. Having said that, I want to begin by asking you one question, before you split up the first time, what went wrong? A man who went out with you for one year and didn’t bother telling you about his marriage does not come across as a true Christian as you claim. A true Christian would not even engage in extra marital affair let alone date a woman for one year without telling her during the period about the wife at home. Even if it was just a relationship, decency demands it of him to confide in you. Your mother is right. Nobody would believe you didn’t have anything to do with breaking up a marriage that produced three children. If the marriage were that turbulent, how come they have three children in less than five years? Babies don’t grow on tree and angry men don’t make love with the women who are after their lives. Only a man obsessed with lovemaking, would sleep with a woman he hates with passion in which case, one has to be careful with such a man because he lacks principle and self-control. Has it occurred to you from the calculations you gave that while this man was dating you, he was still making babies with his wife? And that two of his three children came while you were dating him? A man who is unfaithful to one woman is capable of being unfaithful to several women at a time. When did he discover the age differences? Did the knowledge stop him from making babies with her? My dear, this is an indication that the age thing is an after thought. Even if his friend packaged the woman, he was not blindfolded, he saw her, valued her before taking her to his family and the church. Even if he didn’t notice the age difference then, didn’t his people? Why didn’t they protest the age difference then before agreeing to the marriage? If nobody noticed it then, it shows it was never an issue. How do you feel as a woman with the way he has distributed his children? One of his children staying with his sister, he having one and one with his wife, how do you reconcile with that? Is it responsible of him to disperse children like that? Granted problems are part of marriage, is quitting the best panacea? How would those children feel later if they are allowed to live apart till they are adults? Do you think they would ever be able to forgive their father or you for that matter? Herein are your mother’s worries and wisdom. This man did not do a thorough job on his marriage and neither is he handling the so-called separation properly. It is like all the major decisions concerning his marriage, he cedes to other people. As a Christian, you ought to know that God abhors divorce and that by marrying a man who drove away his wife is courting the wrath of God. It isn’t right. And what if he decides to go back to his wife? There is no marriage that is flawless and there is nobody that is perfect. We all seek the grace of God in making us tolerable to others. This man and his wife should have gone to God in prayers to help them build their marriage but appears unwilling. Worst marriages have been amended through the grace and involvement of God. We are inherently imperfect. What guarantees do you have that he would not drive you away few years after you get married to him and bring in another woman? If he does it effortlessly the first time, he could do it again because another willing lady maybe waiting in the wing to take him in. There is more in marriage that assurance, seek the face of God in this matter. Go to Him in prayers and please submit your will and preferences to Him. Ask Him to select a life partner for you, not one that would dump you mid way. Good luck.