My mother-in-law is a terror

Dear Agatha, My marriage is just three months old. My father-in-law is a very good man, the kind of father I prayed for. I lost my father last year and he has become a fine replacement for him. Since marrying his son, he has been there for me, telling me things he knows will help me live a wonderful life with my husband. Through him, I got to know what kind of things to avoid and what to hold tightly to. He even went as far to teach me how to make his son’s favorite food which incidentally is also his. He said his mother used to cook it for him and that my husband fell in love with the food too when he went to live with her. His wife, my stepmother-in-law is also an angel. Unless one is told she isn’t the biological mother of my husband, you won’t know from the way she dots on my husband and his elder brother. Her daughters and son accord their elder brothers every respect they deserve. On the other hand, my mother-in-law is a terror. She is divorced from my father-in-law. I learnt she didn’t also last long in her second marriage. She is in her third marriage. For some strange reasons, she and I didn’t get off on a good start. But being the younger woman, I have tried my best to be civil and to avoid getting into her wrong side. But with her latest decision and desire, there is no way I can avoid it. About three weeks ago, she packed into my house without notifying me or her son. I came back from work to meet her fully installed in my guest room. She even had my sister staying with us made a different kind of meal for her, different from the one I instructed them to make. As if that wasn’t enough, she brought some clothes including her underwears she wanted my sister to wash. Out of respect, she did but left out the pants. When I came back home, my sister was very angry and indicated her interest to go if she was staying. I waited for my husband to come back home before saying anything. He too didn’t like the idea of his mother coming and tried to persuade her to go back to her husband’s house. Rather than face her son, she started raining curses on me and members of my family. There was nothing she didn’t say, including manipulating her son to favor his father instead of her; my husband and I bought a car for the father during his birthday. She told everyone who cared to listen that I will not enjoy peace in her son’s home. Its been hell for me. My husband has been begging me but every day she spends in our home is hell. My father-in-law and his wife are currently in Ghana; I don’t know if I should call him to report the development in my home. Every night, I hear her cursing any woman who will not allow her enjoy her son. What do I do? I am not cut out for her kind of person. Please help me because I am getting fed up and won’t mind leaving her son for my peace of mind. I haven’t told my mother because she is yet to recover from my father’s death which affected her badly due to their closeness. Telling her what I am going through might kill her. Agatha, please help me. Morayo. Dear Morayo, Every page of marriage is a lesson in endurance, sacrifices, patience and wisdom. Unfortunately, these experiences are the kinds nobody talks about. Even those who attempt to share their stories often than not hiss, sigh through the story. At the end of the day, the story is never fully told due to the desire to protect one’s marriage and image. Morayo, I assure you that whatever you are going through isn’t strange at all. If every married woman is to write her experience, you will find that we are all confronted in our different homes with similar situations; the only difference being in the faces of the actors. Even your mother-in-law who is your major headache now also went through a similar situation as a young wife. If the women before you survived to become mothers-in-law in the same homes they were victimized and traumatized as a wife then you will survive your ordeal. All you have to do is ask God for the grace to develop a thick skin to endure your mother-in-law. You will definitely out-live her as long as you have the determination to make your marriage work. There is no avoiding this kind of confrontation in most marriages. It will always happen because she sees you as someone vying for the love of the son she has always had to herself. One day when you too become a mother-in-law you will understand some of her sentiments. It takes the grace of God for a mother to let go completely especially if the wife of her son, tries to stop her from having access to him. There is no way a mother won’t get upset if she remembers all she went through in producing the man this younger woman is trying to monopolise. Is it the agony of the early days of pregnancy or the sleepless nights of worries when sick or going through life’s many changes that she went through with him? For these reasons, don’t worry whatsoever about her attitude towards you. Her desire is to have and keep the love of her son. Like most women in her shoes, she is trying to protect her territory; especially as she has no husband to keep her company. In your case, she is a handful because all her attempts at marriages have failed. Although she is refusing to say anything, she is lonely hence her decision to move into your home. Whether you like it or not, your husband is her son therefore owes her a certain degree of loyalty. This is something you must not attempt to deny both of them because they have been part of each other’s lives before you came in. The only thing is that she is over-doing it, placing curses on you. Whenever she does that, tell yourself it isn’t your portion and that at any rate, you have no intention of stopping her from having peace in her son’s house. From experience, women like her are difficult to win over because not only have they developed their ideas of what they want but are very determined to make sure her ways are the only right ones. Her kind needs idiotic patience to win over. Since you know she is impossible in many ways, try to ignore her when she begins. See her attitude as being part of who she is, an extention of the man you love. This way, you will to some extent tolerate her excesses while also working on your husband to do all he can to stop her from placing curses on you. If your husband taps into the natural love every mother has for her child, to plead with her not to curse you since he will be worst affected should anything happen to you. If you can both afford it, spend your weekends away from home. Leave on Friday and come back on Sunday evening. This way, you will reduce your time with her as well as have something to look forward to. This kind of sacrifice will help protect your mind and marriage from all the things she is doing or saying. As for your sister, it might be advisable for her to leave. Get an elderly woman to come in thrice in a week to clean the house for you. Such a woman would have the tact and experience to handle your mother-in-law’s tantrums. There is no way your sister can refuse to go on errands for her. It will eventually lead to more complications for you. The fact that she is unable to keep a home isn’t your business at all. You know what the reactions of your father-in-law would be to her staying in your house. Don’t try to play one against the other. They are both your parents-in-law. During her own birthday, no matter what, also give her a worthy gift to balance your act. Learn to be fair to her, in her shoes, how would you feel? Even if she is the most terrible person in the world, she deserves some attention too from her son. This is one reason you must be determined to make your own marriage work despite her attitude. She is obviously suffering for some ill-conceived decisions she made in the past but the lessons of life is all about healing old wounds. The more you all ignore her, the more bitter and unbearable she becomes. A little love and endurance from you can change her. She cannot give love because she never had it but, you have love so give it to her! Good luck.