Help! Accident has left him without erection

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My marriage was perfect until November, two years ago, when my husband of five years had an accident that has made it impossible for him to be a husband to me. That he survived is a miracle. It was a battle but he eventually pulled through but a muscle in his reproductive organ was discovered destroyed. He has been to United Kingdom and United States of America but to no avail. The doctors are hopeful that someday, the muscle could repair itself but before then, he remains impotent. He isn’t paralysed because he has the use of his legs but he simply is unable to achieve erection as a man. The doctors in America have given him a 50-50 chance of full recovery but this is neither here nor there. The sad thing for now is that I have a husband who cannot sleep with me. It has been two years now without sex. Already I am feeling the pressure of it all and, it is making me frustrated with my marriage. I am a very young woman; 32 years of age; there is no way I can continue with this kind of situation. My eldest child will be five in October while my youngest one will be three in March. A friend I shared my frustrations with, introduced me to the use of a sex toy but it doesn’t give me the satisfaction of the natural thing. Recently, I have been the object of affection of a man who lives three streets away from ours. I ran into him by accident at a supermarket in the neighbourhood. My second child was demanding for something I wasn’t in the mood to buy for her but he stepped in and got it for her. In the process of thanking him, we exchanged a lot of information. That is how we became close. Some mornings when I don’t feel like taking my car, I hitch a ride in his car. I really like him and want him in every way a woman wants a man. I have allowed him get close to me but not that close. Agatha, you are like the mother I don’t have. I have consistently read your column since I got introduced to it shortly before I got married. As a matter of fact, I was at the programme, “Just Before Valentine,” you organised at the Airport Hotel a few years ago. This burden is too much for me. My husband is a saint; there can never be anyone like him for me. But I need to do this to be able to protect my home. I don’t want to hurt my husband so I have been avoiding discussing the matter with him since the incident. I don’t want to give him the impression that sex is all that concerns me. He is doing his best for us, has gone out of his way to be extra nice even though he has always been a very good husband and father to me. While some of my friends think I should leave him and find another man for myself, my best friend says, I shouldn’t but can keep a secret boyfriend very far from home. She says I shouldn’t do anything with this man who lives not far from us because the scandal will eventually break and could lead to the death of my husband. I am so confused. Please help me. Deroju. Dear Deroju, I really empathise with you and your husband. These are clearly not good times for your marriage. But we give God the glory he survived the accident. Where there is life, there is hope. Your situation is more of a faith thing than medical. Sincerely, this is the time for you to get absolutely close to God. This isn’t something you do with other things in your mind. This kind of request demands the essence of you to obtain the right results from God. The issue here is, are you ready to seek the face of God with your husband? If the doctors have given him 50-50 chance of recovery, why not stay with God in prayers? Remember your marriage creed; the vows you took to stay with him through thick and thin; in sickness and in health. As a woman, I understand the sacrifice I am asking you to make, but be rest assured that God isn’t in the business of giving us a burden too heavy for our fragile frames. Deep inside you is a reservoir of strength you don’t know you have, but waiting for you to release. Your friends all mean well but this situation is more than sex. It is the life of your husband. Have you sat to imagine his state of mind, his fear, humiliation, frustration as well as all the negative emotions going through his mind? Do you know the sadness deep in him knowing that he can no longer be the husband you need in that area and the attendant fear of losing you to another man as a result of his disability? Can you imagine what the situation is doing to him? To discover overnight that the thing he once took for granted has been taken away from him? That he cannot be the man he once was? You are free and healthy. Your only problem is his inability to make love to you but have you thought of the multiplicity of his own problems? Sex is the easiest thing to get; the cheapest; unlike what he is going through. Yes, you can follow the advice of your friends to seek sex outside your marriage but at what cost? Will you find that lasting happiness from doing it? Would it give you the kind of peace you have with your husband? How many who see you come and go with these men are you going to explain your situation to? Do you think they will applaud you or condemn you? If you were the one incapacitated, how would you feel if your husband is seen painting the town red with other women? He isn’t denying you sex because he wants to, he cannot make love to you as a result of his health condition. Be careful because tomorrow is pregnant. Since doctors have not written him off, it could be the day you are caught with another man that he will regain the use of his manhood. Doubtless sex is important but if it is the ‘be it all’ in man-woman relationship, there won’t be so many failed marriages in the world. This means there are more important things in marriages that keep it going against all odds. This is what you should find in this thick dark clouds floating through your marriage. Be rest assured that this time will pass; it might have come to help solidify the foundation of your marriage as well as open your eyes to the other qualities that are important in marriage. Give your marriage and man the strength to recover from this tragedy. Sex will come and go but the important things that give character to marriage and bring about peace as well as harmony is what you should infuse into this particular stage of marriage. Furthermore, you have to discuss your fears and situation with your husband. And you both must resume love-making. Maybe consider oral sex with him; it will help bring about some emotional stability in your person. You are tensed because you have refused to revisit the incident and discuss your various options with your husband. He needs you more than ever before with your children whose lives will be affected one way or the other if you decide to seek sexual satisfaction outside your home. Good luck.