I denied my wife sex for three years

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Three years ago, I stopped sleeping with my wife of six years. The reason then was simple. Although I was having an affair but the major one being that she was dirty and rude. There was nobody she didn’t report me to, including writing to you under the name of worried wife. I went through all you told her and was happy at the results I noticed in her. She became trendier, neater as well as more respectful to me. Unfortunately at the time she made up her mind to change, I wasn’t interested in her anymore but I didn’t want to divorce her because of the children. I needed her at home to care for the children. Having grown up in a polygamous home, I didn’t want my children going through what I went through. I however made up my mind to resume sexual activity with her early last month but I noticed she wasn’t too eager. I expected that she would be after years of begging me to share her bed. She actually stopped begging me to have sex with her in January this year. At first I didn’t bother but when it persisted, I told a friend of mine who was so certain that she was having an affair. I asked her if she was sleeping with another man behind me, she denied it but asked if I had the right to ask her such a question anymore. I ignored her but made up my mind to investigate. There was nothing to suggest she was. Besides, I thought she wouldn’t have the guts to cheat on me because I married her as a village girl and a virgin. She lacked the sophistication of the city woman which was part of the problem we were having. But about two weeks ago, by accident, I had gone to see my boss along Adeniyi Jones in Ikeja when I decided to stop over to eat at a local restaurant around that area. The setting was very formal and neat. I was still waiting for my order to be served when my wife walked in with this man who looked very much like a very top manager in a company. They drove into the place with this latest Toyota Camry. She didn’t notice me at first but I made sure she did when I walked up to her to demand what she was doing with another man in a public place. She didn’t bother to answer me; instead they got up and left me standing. By the time I got home, she was already home, packed and ready to leave. She didn’t bother to deny that she and the man I met her with were dating. She told me the man was ready to marry her and that as soon as her people refunded the bride price I paid on her, she would marry the man. I didn’t even know she was in school, University of Lagos and in her third year. She also has a flourishing shop, a fashion outfit near her school. She said, it was only in January this year, she agreed to date the man I met her with even though he had been disturbing her since he rescued her from a suicide attempt three years ago. According to her, he helped her gain admission into the University of Lagos to get her mind off her matrimonial challenges and got her the shop to give her financial independence. She said, since she has made up her mind to be intimate with this other man, she no longer has any space in her heart for me. I found out all these from her in the process of explaining to my friends how far apart we had grown. Agatha, I have realised I don’t want her to go and I’m ready to do anything to ensure we live as man and wife again. I have since discharged the woman in my life and has been pleading with her to have a change of mind but she insists she is fed up. My parents, especially my father blames me for whatever decision she has made concerning our marriage. I know I wronged her but I have suddenly realised that she means so much to me. How do I get her back? Worried Husband. Dear Worried Husband, What were you thinking of leaving a woman in your house for three years without having sex with her? You drove her into the arms of this other man who realised her outstanding qualities and took the necessary steps to harness them. Only very few women would have been able to withstand such cruelty. Denying a matured married woman of sex is worse than beating her. To have gone without sex for three years have hardened her beyond measure. Without being told, she knew there must have been another woman in your life taking care of your heat. This itself would make her bitter and extremely angry and the injustice of your action each time she remembers. Thank goodness you realised your mistake and isn’t bothered about the matter of her infidelity. But you became conscious of your mistakes too late. Having made up her mind to leave you, it might not be too easy for her to change her mind about leaving you. Sincerely as this stage, it will take the special grace of God to make her continue in this marriage. Women are the most difficult to bend when a decision as grave as this one has been made. On what platform would she want to stay? If for six years, all you did was complain, put her down because she came to you as a local girl, branded her dirty, lacking in respect as well as denying her sex for three years out of these six years, why would she want to come back to such a marriage? If you are unaware that the woman you call your wife is enrolled in school and already in her third year in the university, then it isn’t just a matter of asking her to stay. You have to do more than you are currently doing to resolve the many crises in your marriage. From her account, this man hasn’t only invested money into her life, he has been very patient, understanding, supportive and dedicated to her. These are things she didn’t find with you; wanted from you but weren’t prepared to give her. She has seen a side of life, she never dreamt possible. You may have met her a virgin but her experience in the last six years of being married to you have left her a different kind of person. This man has helped her to come to full realisation of who she really is as well as what she can be. You had the chance to do this but you failed. Now, not only is she more experienced but also wiser in the ways of men and women. In addition, education has exposed her to a kind of independence and power she never imagined when she came fresh eyed from the village. It isn’t going to be easy getting her to come back on your terms or in the kind of atmosphere you once conducted your marriage. This time, you have to engage her in serious dialogue in which both of you will have to first talk and decide on the premise on which the marriage will operate. Swallow your pride and give her reasons why she should stay with you despite all that have happened. Remember you are as guilty, if not more than she is. The rule that she shouldn’t have done what she did doesn’t apply to her at all because your actions precipitated it. In her shoes, you would have done the same. This is one issue, you may not be able to handle on your own; involve people she respects in her own family as well as yours. Your families have to be involved in this kind of settlement if you hope to get her to even listen to you. This is because you left it for too long. If she is bold enough to tell you that she is ready to marry the other man as soon as her bride price is returned; it is going to be very difficult to make her change her mind hence the need to involve everyone in a position to talk to her, if possible the spiritual head of your church. Marriage is full of turns and bends, never a long straight line. The moment she made the attempt to change from her ways to please you, the wise thing would have been for you to meet her half way. You must learn to always meet her half way, plenty of sacrifices, selflessness and compromises. Every woman needs a friend in her man. She may have come from the village but she is not without feelings or intelligence. Always learn to respect who she is; it is the only way to get her to respect you. Sincerely, it would take the grace of God to make a woman that has gone this far to change her mind. Give her the opportunity to see the loving, caring and attentive side of you. Also learn to pray if you want your efforts to be noticed because you are at fault. Good luck.