My husband lives abroad but has a secret child

Agatha Edo , Email:gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am 29 years old and married for over four years with a child. I have a big problem; my husband resides overseas while I reside in Nigeria. I had my daughter in 2007 the same year we were married.

Recently, I heard my husband impregnated a lady who gave birth to a baby boy in 2009. He concealed this information from me but I got to hear about the child all the same. I was also told that he refused to accept the child but this doesn’t change the fact that he is the father of the child.

Now, he is in prison because of some personal issues. Because of this, I decided not to open up the wound till he comes out bearing in mind the pains of being in prison. In addition to encouraging him, I also established a little business for the upkeep of the family.

He has been in prison for one year plus but will be released in about two months when after serving his term. We are in constant touch with each other through letters but he keeps asking me for forgiveness without being specific on what he has done.

Last Christmas, we agreed that I should travel to the village but before the date, he called to cancel our initial decision when he found out that the stress of travelling with the baby will be too much.

Somehow things degenerated when I also tried to argue about his sudden change of mind. Issues became heated and he threatened to terminate the marriage and come for his baby. I really felt bad at the hurtful things he said as well as his attitude.

As a result of this, I was afraid of even continuing with the marriage but I also didn’t want a broken marriage at all. But it has brought to the fore that he might do worse things in future. I have been alone and faithful to him for three good years. Please advise me on what to do.

Onyii.


Dear Onyii,

There is no war patience cannot win. Just a little more of it, you would be the one having the last laugh.

There is no way he would have said all those hurtful things to you if you also didn’t complicate matters or try to argue with him on why you think you should go. u. Often times, we conveniently forget our contributions to an impasse and just focus on the reactions of the other person. In marriage, issues cannot be settled amicably if couples insist on apportioning blames for a situation they both contributed to.

If you take time out to look again at that incident objectively, you would agree with me that something you said instigated his response to you. Your disappointment at having all your plans for the trip cancelled by him is enough reason to make you say things you would ordinarily not say but because you were under the influence of anger, you didn’t bother to consider the implications of such utterances.

Since both of you were having this conversation and argument over the phone, a lot of things which personal contact would have cushioned came into the conversation unfiltered. His frustration over your refusal to understand and appreciate his concern for your safety as well as that of the baby made him flare up just as your anger at his seeming insensitivity at cancelling a trip you must have invested time and money on planning.

Again, at every opportunity you have to argue with your husband over an issue, think of the extra difficulties of managing successfully a long distance marriage. While women who live with their husbands can afford to make certain mistakes and get away with it, you cannot afford such luxury else you put your marriage at risk.

Whether you like it or not, the success or failure of your marriage rests with you. The reason is simple, being alone in a foreign land; he is exposed to all manner of temptations and women who want to take your place in his life. Being a man, he can easily fall into temptations. Like in the case of the birth of the baby boy. Unless you are not realistic enough, the society would eventually prevail on you to take him back and learn to accept the presence of his love child.

But nobody would be that lenient with you. Should you as a married woman get close to any man outside your husband, you will be instantly condemned and branded as having low moral values. Either way, it is the man that still wins this game so be very careful what you say or do to him in the present delicate stage of your relationship. For now, only your gentle words, understanding, obedience, appreciation, patience, friendship and prayers can put a check on him. He needs something absolutely good about you to remember and withhold him from falling into the temptations his status in that country offers him.

You are not there physically to act as a restriction for other women but well-worded expressions of trust, respect and encouragement would help him remain faithful to you. No man wants to hurt a woman who is his support base, who is respectful to him as well as shows appreciable understanding for him. Yes, men are built to stray but a lot of them know when to apply the brakes when it comes to that woman who has learnt to be very respectful to them.

A little bit of patience could have averted what obviously has become a sore point in your relationship. Frankly, if you want to manage this marriage, it isn’t too late to make amends especially now that he is in prison and having all the time in the world to reflect on some of his decisions. Let him know that he remains the most important person in your life and that if you have said or done anything in the past to provoke his anger, you are also sorry. There is a limit to the quantity of garbage a marriage can carry. If not off-loaded daily, you risk covering the reason, essence and beauty of the union under the filthiness of the dirt. Your marriage needs a new lease of life everyday to blossom to its full potentials.

Marriages are constantly in need of second chances to write every wrong done the previous day.

As for that baby, I am glad that you are matured enough to know that irrespective of what he says now, he remains the biological father of the child.

No matter the personal pains, don’t fight him or encourage him to abandon the baby. Like every betrayed wife, you have the right to be angry and express your hurt to the man you trusted enough to give up your freedom for but be careful you don’t overdo it for the sake of the innocent life involved.

Ask him what he intends to do about the baby. Don’t involve yourself too much beyond encouraging him to do the right thing for the child. Once he knows he has your support, he would do what is right.

What is happening to him and your marriage is an indication it has gotten to that important stage in your marriage when both of you have to consider living together as a couple. The idea of this transcontinental marriage may have lost its appeal in your marriage.

When he gets out of prison, encourage him to come down for a heart to heart discussion. When a couple stays apart for too long, a lot of things can go wrong not just with the relationship but with their psychology.

This is the time he needs you in that personal way a man needs a woman in his life. Going and coming out of prison will definitely have affected him in more ways than you can imagine. You both need to bond again as man and woman to make your marriage work.

More than ever before, turn full-scale to God because this is the time your marriage and person need Him the most.

Good luck.