Marriage is not her desire now…

Dear Agatha,

I have been very close to you through your column.  I consider your solutions to be
very useful, practical and straight.I am a single man of 36 years of age. I lost my only relationship of eight years two years ago; since then I have been searching for another lady to settle down with. I must confess it is becoming very difficult for me doing this at my age as well as with my status. Everywoman I come across knows I am looking for a wife. They pretend to be good, but sooner or later, I discover the duplicity in their character. 

In March last year, I came across this young lady. I have since then tried to be close to her, never hiding my desire to have her as a wife. The first time I met her, I asked if she has any existing relationship with any man. She told me that she has a two-year-old relationship with another man. 

I asked how close they were and if they have any plans to marry. She told me that although they are close but the man hasn’t proposed to her. At that point, I decided to go ahead with the relationship. I later proposed to her.
She neither rejected nor accepted my proposal. Instead she said we should maintain the status quo since she hasn’t made up her mind to marry yet. I tried to convince her that at 22, and a third year student in the university, she didn’t have any excuse not to think of marriage.

I did everything within my powers to meet her needs. I made sure she didn’t lack much. In addition to the gifts, I made sure I was there physically. Still she didn’t change her mind.
I also didn’t attempt taking her to bed because I desired her to know how much I really care for and serious with her. At some points, my friends started mocking me as well as my claims to being a man. They think I should have long taken her to bed. 

Towards the end of last year, I slowed down with her and we lost contact, but I confirmed that she and the other guy were still dating.
Recently, I called her again and we started talking.
Agatha, I have made it clear to her that I want something more from her. I want marriage or nothing. Please, do I still keep the contact with her or forget her and seek another girl ready for marriage?
Albert.

Dear Albert, 

It should be obvious to you by now that this girl isn’t interested in marrying you. She didn’t deceive you into thinking she was. You are with her because you want to be and not because she is giving you any encouragement to spend money on her, care for her or be there for her. Telling you she has a boyfriend in her life is enough to tell you that you will never become who you so much want to be in her life. 

Chances are she sees you purely as a friend in her life, one she can do without, hence her refusal to get in touch with you when you didn’t call. Admitting she has a boyfriend she is very close to and refusing to accept your wedding proposal absolves her of any blame whatsoever. 

The thing now is for you to get serious with your own life. In your desperation to marry, you are opening yourself up for pains, hurts as well as more disappointments in life. Give her up and plan for your own woman.  The only way you can do that successfully is to forget completely the disappointment of your doomed relationship. Stop feeling pity for yourself and forget whatever reasons the other woman gave for the failure of that relationship. There is nobody without the story of heartache. Disappointment is associated with happiness. They almost partner each other. The only way to manage disappointment is not to dwell too much on it else it would be difficult to move on to other things. Doubtless, the pains of that disappointment would never really go away especially as it involved eight very good years of your life, but go on you must in life.

By refusing to act desperate, you take away the power of any woman to hurt you. Take your time to study the woman you want to marry. From your experience, there are mistakes you made before which you must avoid at all cost. Just as there are no perfect situations, there are no perfect beings. Admit to your own mistakes in that relationship with a view of ensuring you don’t fall into the same situation. Where you have to be firm, please do so, and where you have to bend backwards do so also. As the leader of the team, you must at all times be alive to your responsibilities to earn the respect of those you lead in this case, the woman in your life.

Rest more on God to avoid another grave mistake in your choice of a life partner. When in haste, it is always best to lessen your speed limit to prevent a fatal accident. Relax and take your time to get the right woman to share your life with. Marriage is not about how early but how well.

Good luck.