I have to choose between church or registry wedding

Dear Agatha, 

I will really appreciate your candid advice on this issue I am about sharing with you. When my husband and I met, he told me he would only participate in two kinds of wedding ceremonies. He said he would not be a party to three wedding ceremonies as is the norm these days. He told me the most important one to him was the traditional marriage and gave me the option of choosing between the church and court weddings. 

I agreed to his terms then but once in a while tried talking to him with the hope of making him change his mind on his decision but he always insists on doing only two. He says his decision is personal. 

Our traditional wedding was done last month. He is waiting for my decision on the other kind of wedding to fix the date. 

Now the issue is I would like to know the advantages, implications and disadvantages of both the church and court weddings. I am kind of confused as to which to choose. I have tried to ask questions but I’m not getting satisfactory answers, which informs my decision to bring it to your table for counseling. Please educate me on this issue. 

Worried Wife.

Dear Worried Wife, 

One fact you should never let go is this, a marriage doesn’t strive on the kind of ceremony one did but on one’s understanding of what the whole process is all about. The success or otherwise of a marriage is the emotional investment the couple is willing to put into it. You and your man can go through all the kinds of ceremonies there are but if you both lack the commitment and determination required to translate those vows you both made at the various kinds of wedding ceremonies you went through, into patience, tolerance, respect, responsibilities, care, support, friendship; the marriage will still run into problems. 

The first step is for you to be clear on what you want, as well as your place as a woman in the set up. Whatever your qualifications are, who and what you are, your place as the wife is to give your husband all the support he needs to succeed and to show respect for his wishes. 

From the beginning he has told you what his decision is on this matter. To him it isn’t the number of ceremonies you both have that matter but what the ones you agree to mean to both of you. Be careful not to burden your marriage from its nascent stage with a load that is too heavy for it to carry. Ceremonies are meant for the public to participate in rejoicing with a couple and not a yardstick for the success of a marriage. 

Back to your question, given the choice of a church wedding and registry, opt for the one more recognised by the law. Legally, the registry is the one recognised by the laws of the land. It carries all the full weight of the law and protects the woman in case of any eventuality from many of our ancient laws and customs that militate against a woman, especially at the death of her husband. 

The court wedding gives the woman the legal platform to stand and fight for the rights of her children particularly in situations where the husband dies interstate – that is without a Will. And even in case of divorce, it gives the woman the advantage of having a portion of her husband’s assets. 

That is why couples that go through the wedding ceremonies still go through the legal thing of going through a court wedding to give the woman mainly the legal premise to operate. Besides, the marriage certificate from the court is the only one recognised and accepted by courts in case of dispute. Under strict applications of the law, only the woman who has the legal document, the marriage certificate duly issued by the registry is considered to be the legal wife even where the man is married to other women. This is the major advantage the court wedding has over the church wedding.

The church wedding is simply to give it the spiritual coverage; recognition by the church. Even where couples wed in the church, some churches these days make it mandatory for couples to still go to the registry for legal protection. 

What most couples in your situation do is to go to the registry first and go for blessing in the church. The blessing which comes in the form of a special thanksgiving gives the marriage the same kind of spiritual recognition as the wedding done in the church. It is a matter of the leadership of the church understanding the issues involved. 

Since your husband is adamant on not having more than two wedding ceremonies, discuss with your church leadership. There is no way on the format you want the blessing to take. Your husband has done the important one of agreeing to the traditional wedding ceremony where your bride price has been paid in line with our customs and tradition. It gives you protection under our native laws and customs act. 

In your shoes, I would settle for the registry. Spiritualism is what we live with everyday and at any rate, in the court, you are jointed together according to the religion you practice. 

Marriage itself is a spiritual arrangement which means from the day two people become one, they have entered into a spiritual bond. 

If it is grandiose of a wedding ceremony you want, you still have the cake, reception, gaiety of the church wedding ceremony. It is a matter of you planning the reception at a venue of your choice with all the wedding train. There is no limit to what you can do with a court wedding. It is a matter of using your imagination and observing the laws governing the serenity of the registry. 

I understand that like the average woman, you want your wedding to be a day to remember. It all comes within the package. It is a matter of accommodating the wish of your husband first and planning the kind of reception you have always wanted.

To ensure you understand what his point really is, discuss with him. Know what his misgiving really is to avoid you making a grievous mistake in your marriage. Understanding why he is against having all the three wedding ceremonies would help you too know the kind of after wedding ceremony to plan. Whatever decision you make at the end of the day, ensure you take your husband along even if he has given the authorisation to make your choice. It is your day as well as his so make it a joint event. It is the only way to tell him that he remains supreme in your life and that you intend consulting him on any matter in your home. One of the greatest secrets to a successful marriage is to personalise it by refusing to follow the crowd.

In addition, commit your decisions and thoughts to God always to avoid disappointments that come from human knowledge and wisdom.

Good luck.