I don’t understand this lady

 Dear Agatha

I am a graduate, 25 years of age and an entrepreneur. My problem has to do with the difficulties of establishing a relationship with the opposite sex. I must confess that I wasn’t brought up with the “mixing up” mentality.

I met this young lady about four years ago and we developed interest in each other. She once confessed her love for me through a friend of hers even though I have not asked her out. She went as far as telling this mutual friend of ours that she is waiting for my proposal.     

However her attitude towards me belies this claim. Although, there are times that we are so close, the other times she is very cold towards me. She acts as if we are complete strangers and would ignore me for as long as two months without reasons only for things to magically turn around after sometime.  

I have tried talking to her about this aspect of hers but she hasn’t been able to give me any good reason why she acts like that. I don’t understand this trend. Is she really in love with me?

Secondly, there is this lady that got attracted to me some years back and often confesses her love for me. She was always the one pushing for a relationship between us through her love advances, but I paid little attention to her. Recently I asked her out and she told me she would not answer my question. It’s been four months now and she has not given me any reply. She even confessed she cannot stand me dating another lady and still tells me she loves me. I saw it as the normal ‘ladies’thing, but since she expressed her interest first, I fail to understand or appreciate the attitude she is now putting up. Please help me out.

Iyke.

Dear Iyke, 

At 25, you should by now have an idea of the kind of woman that is right for you, the one that would help you grow your home, family and business. Unless you do that, you would continue to misunderstand so many things about women generally and particularly those you come into contact with.

In addition, you must help yourself by placing friendship first instead of relationship. If you have been having the challenge of establishing relationships with members of the opposite sex, you must first clear the hurdle by learning how to be in the company of female friends. See women first as human beings you must have as friends, people you can talk to confide in, lean on in times of difficulties as well as trust. To be able to conduct a successful and meaningful relationship with a woman, you must have a clear idea into the workings of a woman’s mind. 

Going straight into a relationship without you first knowing the complexity of a woman’s mind and attitude is just like writing an examination on a subject you know nothing about beyond the cover. 

Being in company of female friends would give you a clear idea of the different kinds of women there are as well as the common attribute of all women. You are unable to relate with any of these ladies because you have no inkling into what they want or how to respond to them. In a way, they remain an enigma to you even if you do the basic thing of communicating with them. 

They have done their bit by indicating interest in you. It is more than any woman can do. The onus of taking the relationship forward is now entirely your business. You must therefore define what you want in your ideal woman to know if any of these women meets your requirement in the first place. 

Since both of them appear to have similar issues with you, the best thing for you is to find out why they are playing both hot and cold. Call them separately, to first apologise for any shortcomings from your end. Having declared their interest in you, inactivity from your end would definitely be interpreted by any woman in their shoes as rejection, which in turn would make any average woman shameful at making the first move. You have to clear whatever ill-feelings they have first to be able to get them to talk about what they think of you. Have the patience to listen carefully to them, the humility to learn from them because you would always need these pieces of advice as you progress in life.

Have it in mind that a relationship goes beyond a man meeting a woman. There are so many things that must be adhered to in every relationship. Before love can be conclusive, you must be patient, understanding, tolerant, caring, respectful and responsible in every way. You must have the maturity to deal and live with a woman because relationship and marriage can be a very tasking journey despite its anticipated emotional fulfillment.

One thing you should however never do is to engage these two women in a relationship concurrently. Be friends with them. At the end of the day, you would have gained better because the woman you will end up with would in addition to being your woman be a dependable friend, one who has a thorough understanding of who and what you are.

Good luck.