She wants marriage but I don’t

Dear Agatha,

I am a keen follower of your column and though I’ve been out of the country for a while I still feel your solutions vital and very helpful. I left Nigeria about five years ago and ever since I’ve only dated women from this part of the world even though there are quite a number of Nigerian ladies here.

In December last year I decided to end any relationship I have with these foreign women to make room for a Nigerian lady and my intention was that the relationship would lead to marriage.

There is this Nigerian lady I have been dating since we first met in March in the church. At first she seemed perfect but I later realized her parents are separated. She has so many family issues that are discouraging me. Perhaps the worst is her mood swings. She doesn’t even measure up to any of the foreign ladies I have dated. 

Normally I would have walked out of this relationship considering the fact I have a family to take care of back home and I don’t want any distractions but we are presently in counseling in church and she has found a way of  publicizing our relationship to the  church and everyone who cares. I am not enjoying this relationship anymore but I also don’t want to hurt her, her family or my image in church. What do I do?  Promise.

Dear Promise, 

If you are not comfortable in and with the relationship, end it now before it’s too late. From the tone of your mail, it is obvious you don’t find the whole episode interesting and you are only managing the relationship. For someone who has commenced marriage class, this is all wrong and an indication of the danger ahead. It is wrong to marry to please other people. At the end of the day, all those people you are today trying to please will ask query your reasons for marrying this woman when the problems come. They would wonder why you didn’t stop the process when you knew it won’t work. Marriage is too important to one’s life to be treated the way you are contemplating treating yours.

It is best you hurt her now, incur the displeasure of the church rather than after you are married. There is no offence in breaking a relationship but so much moral and religious issues involved when breaking a marriage.

When it comes to marriage, both parties should sufficiently want it to enable the union stand the test of time. With you feeling she doesn’t measure up to the standards you want in a woman, there is no way you would ever be happy or proud of her enough to appreciate her unique nature as a woman.  The strength of any marriage comes from both parties knowing they have made the right choice and are united in keeping the marriage through its turbulent times. Because marriage is a lifetime journey, you must be sure you have the right kind of attitude as well as determination to make it work at all cost.  She may not appreciate you walking out on the relationship now but given the choice of facing a doomed marriage, she will gladly have you walk away from her now than to face the embarrassment of having to explain to the world why she couldn’t keep her marriage. 

Sometimes it pays to be cruel in order to be kind. She may not appreciate canceling the marriage now, but in later years when she finds the man who will love her unconditionally, she will come to appreciate the sacrifice you made for her and thank you for being man enough to do the honourable thing.

Good luck.