He absconded without traces; his son needs know his root

Dear Agatha,

I would like your opinion on the way forward in my relationship that has produced a son. My partner and I have been and lived together for five years, but the last two years have been turbulent. Despite the intensity of the storm, I was trusting in God to make it work. 

He got transferred immediately I got pregnant and he quickly used the opportunity to walk out of my life. He didn’t even bother to come and see his son when I gave birth. As I write, he doesn’t know his son let alone provide for him. He hasn’t even given a reason he can’t see his child. 

I honestly would like your help on how to get the boy to know his roots, his paternal family.  This is where the real challenge is, since I have vague knowledge of his father’s people and town. Deep down in me, I know his father is trying to hide something from me. If it is about culture and tradition, my son belongs to him. So I can’t fathom why he has refused to see let alone acknowledge the presence of his son. 

Do you think I should try to locate him through my limited knowledge of his place? I am confused.

Mama.

Dear Mama, 

It baffles me that you lived with a man for five years without knowing any member of his family or where he comes from. How do you explain this to your son if you are unable to locate him at the end of the day? What impression do you want your son to have of you in later years? What if he denies the paternity of the child? How do you defend your staying with this man for five years without knowing anything about him? Who were his friends? If you were talking about a causal relationship your story would have made sense, but a man you lived with for five years? It calls to question the issues you played up in this relationship as well as the values you marketed.

What you are doing is what you should have done before packing in to live with him. 

Besides, since leaving, how have you been reaching him? Is it that you don’t know where he stays or where he works? For him to have left you, refused to come and see his child, especially a son, means there is something fundamentally wrong somewhere. This isn’t a typical case of him not knowing that you have given birth, but that of him refusing to come and see his child. There appears to be more to this than you are saying. 

For a man you lived with to refuse to see his son, his first child, it is either he is having problems or doesn’t trust the paternity of the child.

In your five years of living together, has he ever complained of you? Has he ever had reason to complain of your sincerity and faithfulness to him? Have you ever been unfaithful to him? How would you describe yourself as a woman and partner? 

At what point did you tell him about your pregnancy? Was it after he left or before he did? How did both of you relate before he left for his new station, were you in the best of terms? What was the relationship between the two of you like after he left? Was there any form of communication after he left? If yes, at what point did it break down and what efforts did you make to reconcile with him?

When the going was good between the two of you, were there plans for the two of you to marry? Did you get pregnant with his consent? That the two of you lived together as a couple doesn’t mean you two must marry. It takes more than the decision to be lovers for a couple to decide to marry. You may have the idea that it is more than enough but for a man who is afraid of commitment; it is enough for him to go into hiding at the slightest escape.

First before you go up in arms against him for not seeking his son, ensure he is hale and hearty. Irrespective of how much he has hurt you and your son, you must show concern for his well being first. It is only when he is well that you can push the case of him not looking for his son or taking care of him. It is only after you have assured yourself that he is okay that you can push the case of him refusing to know and care for his son.

Even at that, you also have to know some of the challenges he is going through by listening to his reasons. Granted he has no excuse to leave you alone with a child, but you can only be justified if the agreement to have the child is mutual. That a woman and man are having an affair doesn’t give her the right to impose a child on him. If you didn’t get his consent to be pregnant bear the humiliation of explaining your decisions to him before presenting your request to him. This is the only way to get a recalcitrant man looking for an excuse to run from his responsibility to listen.

Instead of searching for him in a town you don’t know, begin your search from his office. You must at least have an idea of where he worked or works. Besides, there must be some friends in the environment you both stayed who would know one or two things you don’t know about him. Search for the person he was very close to, to get the information you don’t have about him. 

If all these prove futile, deploy your limited knowledge of his village to locate him. And if you do find him, your business isn’t what he is trying to hide but that of him acknowledging his son and making sure his family knows about the existence of your child.

In the meantime, prepare yourself to care for this child alone. Don’t delude yourself that seeing him would change anything at least not immediately. The only way you can vindicate yourself is to ensure you give this child your best in life by praying for the strength to be more than a mother to this child who is the unfortunate victim in all these drama.

Good luck.