She Doesn’t Want Me To Meet Her Parents

Dear Agatha, 

May God bless you. Four years ago, I met this lady who later became my good friend. 

When I met her she was a sales girl while I was learning to trade. She is now a graduate and I have been settled by my master. During the course of our relationship she told me she was a virgin, and won’t submit herself to any man until her wedding night. 

Agatha, this is our fourth year together and she has agreed to marry me. My worry is that she demands for everything from me, telling me she doesn’t have anybody to go to. 

The most worrisome is that I don’t know her parents. She has refused every attempt by me to meet her parents even though she knows I am thinking of settling down with her very soon.  

Though her friends and elder sister are aware of our relationship, this isn’t enough for me. She insists if I must come to see her parents, I must come first as a friend. 

My question is, should I stop supporting her and end the relationship? Is her love for me being influenced by what she is getting from me?  I love her but don’t know if she loves me from her heart. I am already 30 years of age while she is 24. Please help me.
Worried Guy.

Dear Worried Guy, 

If you have both dated each other for four years, what do you know about her? If I were to make an honest comment about her feelings for you, would you say she is real or false?

Four years is a long time for you to have known if this woman is really interested in your money or your person especially as both of you are not engaged in sex. Abstinence from sex enables a dating couple to concentrate more on growing a relationship along the proper lines. 

You should by now be able to tell if she is deceiving you or not through the quality of attention, support, patience and understanding she displays whenever she is around you. It is natural for a woman to make demands on the man she is involved with but it’s the duty of the man to draw the line on what to give and what not to give.

If you have always attended to her every demand, then you are the one who appears to be desperate in buying her love because not even our heavenly father grants all our endless lists of wants and desire. Over indulgence can make the heart forget the right and important things that matter most. This is because the human heart, by design, is created to demand for more. It is you who just have to discipline yourself in this area, even if for nothing, at least, to remind her of the essence of your coming together. 

She is getting all the financial support from you because you are both involved. The dynamic nature of a relationship draws its strength from its symbiotic nature. There is no way it would grow healthily if you are both not contributing your quota to it or sure of where its rudder is pointed.

If you have dated for four years, it is natural for you to demand to meet with her parents. You are certainly within limits but, if she is still declining, then you should make it your business to know why. Is it that her parents are very strict, have somehow cowed her that she just doesn’t know how to begin your introduction to them? If that is the case, her elder sister whom you are familiar with can help. Go to her and explain your feelings for her sister as well as desire to marry her. Having met you before, this shouldn’t come as a surprise to her. Let her also know your wish to see their parents and how her sister has consistently refused your request. 

Her sister’s response to you as well as the outcome of this discussion would tell you if your girl is only after your money or serious with you. Unlike your girlfriend, she will not be able to lie convincingly to you. If you are observant, you will know from her where you stand with your girlfriend without her making any categorical statement.

For the sake of posterity, you have to be careful what you say or think now to avoid you coming up with the wrong decision. At 24, she may not be too much in a hurry to settle down as you appear to be. 

There is also the need for you to sit her down and try to do her thinking for her. Ask her probing questions you think maybe agitating her mind. For instance, be bold enough to ask her if she feels awkward dating you considering she is now a graduate and you, a trader. This is one issue she may not want to bring up on her own but by helping her to bring it into the open, you give her the rare opportunity of talking about something which has been agitating her mind but lacks the guts all the while to discuss. 

Don’t ever rule out peer pressure in all these as well as her own vanity as a human being. One thing is to have a cupboard kind of relationship with you, it is another for her to have the guts to go public with it which introducing you to her parents would be. And unless she is sure about what she wants there is nothing you or anybody can do about it. It is a bitter possibility but one you must be man enough to face and confront with all the seriousness it requires if you have to get anything meaningful out of this relationship.

It is for you to help her confirm her feelings for you. The truth is that both of you appear not to have graduated your relationship from the level you started it four years ago. As a sales girl, her reasons for dating you way back then may have changed, but has continued with the relationship out of habit. 

Sitting her down to ask probing questions may unravel her real reasons she doesn’t want you to meet with her parents now.

Be fair to her but don’t shy away from the truth that stirs at you. It is the only way you can move together or alone. Often times, we deliberately ignore tell tale signs because they don’t fit into our mental picture. This is what brings on disappointments and not from what the other person did or didn’t do. 

Also learn to trust God. Don’t ever forget that he sees the end from the beginning and has a way of planning and ordering our footsteps to the right path. Stay close to him to get it right.

Good luck.