She Conceals Feelings About Whom I Am

  Dear Agatha,

I really appreciate the way you handle issues concerning teenagers. May God continue to be with you.

I am a 22-year-old student of The Polytechnic Ibadan in love with a girl. We started dating from our secondary school days and I always nurtured the desire to marry her because I really love her.

However I have a problem with her because whenever I ask how she feels about me, she gets angry with me and always insists I refrain from asking her such question.

Also whenever I demand for sex from her she refuses. Because of the love I have for her, I don’t want to force her. My question is: Is it a crime to love and ask my partner how she feels about me?

Adeyinka.

Dear Adeyinka.

Thank you for not attempting to force her into making love with you. It shows you indeed love and respect her. Young men like you are rare.

If you are 22, it means she is younger and a little confused on how to handle the emotional changes she is feeling. She may not want to lie to you about her feelings, which is perhaps why she is refusing to put a name to what she feels for you. Telling you she loves you now and discovering later that what she feels may after all not be love, would hurt you more.

Try to understand with her and do moderate for now your feelings towards her. She may not be ready for the type of commitment you have in mind.

And from what you wrote, she appears to be a very sensible young lady. If you indeed love her, you should not be asking her for sex since your intend to marry her. Why pre-empt that special night of your wedding? Ease off and allow her to develop her potentials, feelings for you without the encumbrance of sex. Sex at the wrong age and situations is a burden that has the ability of derailing and devaluing what should be valued.

You can help both of you to be happier by simply being friends. She will be a lot relaxed with you if she is not under the pressure of subjecting her feelings for you to analysis or having sex with you. True friendship is what she might just be expecting from you.

If you learn to do things right and in the ways of God, she would forever remain yours.

Good luck.

Shouldn’t Her Brother Know We Are Lovers

Dear Agatha.

I have this problem that has been burning my heart since I started having this secret affair with the girl after my heart.

The girl happens to be the younger sister of my friend. I fell in love with her the very day we met. I made my intention known to her, she agreed and that was how we started our secret affair. That was two years ago and my friend is still unaware of it. The problem now is that our love has grown so deep that we can no longer hide the feelings. Agatha, I have this deep urge to confide our relationship in the brother, but my girlfriend is adamant. She said we should still keep the relationship to ourselves. Her reason is that her brother being a playboy would not support anybody dating his sister.

Agatha, what do you suggest we do about it?

Alwell.

 Dear Alwell,

If your feelings are genuine and you have good plans for her, tell your friend about your relationship with his sister. To have dated your friend’s sister for two years without telling him or giving him a hint is wrong. If you are truly friends, you should not keep such a secret from him.

The accusation that he is a playboy and would not support anybody having a relationship with his sister is neither here nor there. Granted he has good reason to want to protect his sister from taking the wrong step, something most brothers do anyway; it is not enough excuse to keep such vital information from a person you claim to be a friend of yours.

You are unwittingly betraying his trust and confidence, something that might work against you when you need his support the most in future.

In this friend’s shoes, how would you feel? Unless you or your girlfriend have something to hide, tell the brother. The worst that could happen is for him to object, which could be a blessing in disguise because it would provide both of you the opportunity to subject your feelings for each other to test. Most times when things are too smooth, it is a danger for caution. As it now your relationship appears smooth because it is cocooned in a closet. It is only when it is exposed to the dynamism of the real world that you can determine its kind of foundation. Telling him would determine if your love for each other can stand the test of time.

Good luck.