Can I Marry My Late Fiancée’s Sister?

Dear Agatha, 

I dated my late fiancée for four years before she died. Two years after, her younger sister not only persuaded me to be her boyfriend but she is now asking that we get married. Please advise me.

JFY.

Dear JFY, 

What do you want? The truth is that when it comes to whom to marry, it is a very personal decision. Irrespective of whatever anyone tells you now, the choice remains solely yours. 

The thing is for you to be comfortable with your choice and the situation you find yourself. If you and this lady are comfortable with the choice you are now making, can confront your families with your relationship, persuade  those around you that while your late fiancée was alive, you and her sister didn’t engage in any illicit affair, nothing stops you both from going ahead.

But it is imperative you subject your feelings for her to a powerful microscope to determine what precisely your feelings for her are about. One thing is to be pressured into a relationship; another is to be persuaded into marriage. Your desire to spend the rest of your life with someone must come from the depth of your heart. This is important if you and your partner hope to survive the turbulent waters that marriage is. 

Without a concomitant desire for her from your side, the marriage may not be able to withstand the attendant storm that comes with every marriage. A marriage is as good as the commitment, tolerance, friendship, patience and trust invested in it. If you marry this girl, do you have the kind of feelings that made you stay with her sister for four years? Do you have the determination to overcome unforeseen disappointments in her behaviour and person? This is usually the tricky, cowardly and slippery side of marriage. Many marriages have been known to collapse due to these things. The agreement to combat these vices come from a heart that is sure of what it wants, feels and desires from the other person. 

Would you have the same kind of commitment towards her? Will you be able to tolerate her excesses? Is she your friend? Do you have the same outlook towards life? Marriage goes through all the processes in life - the high, low, slippery, tough, straight and bent turns. All these need more than a passing interest to overcome. 

Therefore, the essence of your self-examination is to ensure you have what it takes to build the determination to constantly take your marriage to the next level.

These are more frightening than what others feel. People may tell you it isn’t right or right for you to date your late girlfriend’s sister. These aren’t always as important as the reasons I have stated. 

After examining the quality of your feelings for her, sit her down and tell her what you feel for her. If you don’t feel like doing her demands, then be truthful to her. You are not under any obligations to date her at all. What you and your late girlfriend shared had nothing to do with her. So, don’t allow yourself be pressured into doing anything you don’t want to.

If, however, you know she would make you a good companion, sit her down to re-evaluate your relationship since it started. You must take control of the relationship from her. Even though she initiated it, once your mind is made up, let her know how you feel and jointly set an agenda for the relationship. 

The danger of allowing her to continue to dominate the relationship is that of losing her after a while. No matter how much she desires you now, a time will come when she would question her sanity at pursuing a man who seems not interested in her. Therefore, to avoid doubts in her mind about your feelings towards her, good wisdom demands you tell her your feelings for her.

When couples leave their feelings to chance, pretend they know what the other person is thinking, it usually destroys what could have been a beautiful relationship. If you have made up your mind to go ahead, go out of your way to woo her, making it clear that you see what she sees in you. Make her happy and not constantly worried if she is doing the right thing going out with the man who dated her late sister. 

However, to be sure you are on the right track, it is best to go before God in prayers to forestall any spiritual corruption that might accompany your decision to go ahead with the relationship especially if the death of your late girlfriend is shrouded in some mystery. 

Good luck.