I Don’t Feel Like Sleeping With My New Husband

Dear Agatha,

 

Thank you very much for your advice to people like us. I have a very big problem and I don’t know how to get out of it. I got married last year. Since then whenever I want to have sex with my husband, I don’t get aroused and sometimes I don’t feel like having sex. What do I do or my husband to for me to get aroused or feel sexy. Again when is the best time to get pregnant?

 

Funmi

Dear Funmi, 

What precisely is the problem? Is it that your husband is unable to arouse you as a woman? What is your knowledge and experience of sex? Did you marry as a virgin, and if you did, what was your upbringing like? Did you grow up in one of those homes where sex was presented as dirty, something to be done in the dark, not to be enjoyed, done when it is only for reproductive purpose, never to be discussed? 

If you didn’t come into your matrimonial home as a virgin, what kinds of experiences did you have? Were they the kind that denied you pleasure in your own body and the act of lovemaking; were they the kind that ensured you played the submissive role to the man? What kind of man or men did you go the whole length with?

In addition, what sort of perception do you have of sex? As a matter of fact, what do you understand by love and sex? Can you differentiate between the two?

How much of your individuality comes to play when you are both intimate? What do you know about your husband’s body and anatomy? Are you too shy to touch, feel and take him on a pleasure ride as a woman? Who are you and what do you want from your husband in the bedroom? Do you want sex, which in your case is what you appear to be getting making you frustrated or is it love-making, which goes a long way to help couples interpret and cement their union?  

Often times, our interpretation of who we are and what we want cause the problem in our marriages. Being married, you are licensed to explore, demand and take what you want from the act. He is your husband and if you don’t ask for it from him, who will you go to?

The first thing to do here is to relax to enable you have a clear vision of what kind of sex you want from your marriage. One good thing about sex is the fact that the knowledge comes naturally. We were born with it and it is always there for us when we demand of it. 

You must learn the difference between sex and lovemaking to be able to get properly into the act. Sex is basic to man; the appeasement of a deep animalistic hunger inside every living thing, including man that God created. It is so animalistic in nature; it lacks any fineness and so primeval. This is the primitive aspect of sex. Whereas lovemaking is all the extra process we put in to elevate it from its primitive garb to something extraordinary and fulfilling. God gave us the fundamental knowledge of sex but ours is to imbibe the extra know-how to make it more exciting. It is like eating food. We all eat but the patent we give to our food is what makes it different from what the rest of people are eating. 

This is what you must do. Find the right key that brings out the best in you and your husband. You must interpret your body language, needs and ideas to elevate sex to the act of lovemaking.

At this critical stage, you must let go of whatever hang-ups you have about sex and come boldly to state your wants as well as present your ideas on how you think it can work well between the two of you. Whether you came as a virgin or as an experienced woman into your husband’s life the fact is, after one year of living with a man, you can no longer claim to be naïve about the ways of man and woman. So, your era of pretences and lack of knowledge is over. You must rise about whatever your man would think and make the move that would save your marriage from doom. Remember, while the society would willingly forgive him if he strays on account of him not getting the right sex from you; you would be condemned for having the guts to go outside your home for sexual satisfaction so, it is more in your interest to make it work for both of you because you have no where else to go from here. If you fail to give him the type of sex that would engage him so satisfactorily, another woman would gladly do it on your behalf. You and I know the implication of having another woman in your husband’s arms. 

To help you adopt a holistic approach to it, these are questions you must answer. If you don’t know, don’t second guess; ask him because the key to your sexual happiness as a couple is woven into these questions. What quality of experiences too does your husband come with? Was he a virgin? What kind of background does he have? How was sex presented to him by his family and church? How much of him can you identify with as his woman, when you are alone with him and how much of his parents’ son remains when he is intimidate with you?

Having a knowledge of his past life would give you a good anchor to the issue because it is too early not to be aroused by your husband. And this brings me to the important question of the memory of your first time with your husband. How was it like? Was it an anti-climax kind of thing? If it was, perhaps you haven’t been able to rid your memory of that major disappointment, which in most cases could set the pattern of all your lovemaking in your marriage unless huge effort is made to change it for the better.

If he was a virgin, perhaps, both of you have to give yourselves the opportunity of dialoguing your fantasies. No matter how prudish your upbringing was, we all at one time or the other dreamt of what we thought or want sex to be. What was your dream of sex? You and your husband must share your dreams with all the honesty it deserves because therein lies the clues to your sexual happiness. This is the time for both of you to talk as sincerely as possible.

Sex being imperative to a healthy marriage, there is the need for both of you to come out of whatever cupboards you have allowed the past put you to chart a new frontier for your marriage to prevent early sexual decay. And in finding quality sex, you must first of all find a platform to be friends; good friends to make it work well for you. If you make love as friends, you would be able to relax, talk and invent initiatives to make it work for you.

Being pregnant would depend on your cycle. If you are a 28-day person, target the 11th to 14th day from the day your period started. But still go to your doctor to be properly guided.

Good luck.