As Her Love For Another Guy Becomes Open-secret…

Dear Agatha,

I really love how you advise and respond to issues brought before you. It’s such a great thing to have someone like you around us. Please, I have a problem with my girlfriend who seems to be in love with another guy. 

Anytime we are together and she sees this guy, she immediately goes cold on me, by abandoning me to give the guy the impression there is nothing going on between us. 

Whenever I ask what is between this guy and her, she tells me nothing, and that he is just a friend. 

I know this girl is actually in love with me, but addicted to the guy. It seems there’s something between the two of them that she doesn’t want me to know. 

Please what should I do? I mean what could be the secrecy between the girl I love so much and this guy? I really love her to the extent that if I don’t communicate with her in a day she picks offence. Please, I need your advice on the steps to take before anything happens. 

Confused Terry.

Dear Confused Terry, 

What kind of love would make her go cold on you immediately she sights the other man? What manner of love would make her abandon you for another man? Or advertise the fact that she has someone else in her life?

Growing up, she isn’t the one who appears to have the addiction, you are the one who does, else why haven’t you bothered to ask her why she isn’t shielding you from knowing about her association with the other man like she appears to be doing for the other man?  It is either this lady is in a relationship with you or not. As her boyfriend, you must be involved in whatever form of friendship exists between her and the other man. 

It is not enough telling you there is nothing between them. She has to act it by making sure you and this man meet as her boyfriend and friend. She has to be transparent in her dealings with both of you and this is what you must insist on because in a relationship, there is no eating and having the cake. 

If she loves you as you seem to think, she must be willing to make the needed sacrifices to ensure her relationship with you is protected from suspicions generated by unexplainable association with other people, especially members of the opposite sex. 

Trying to hide your relationship from this man underscores the nature of her relationship with this man. Rather, than give you false hopes about her feelings for you, insist she either comes clean with the nature of her relationship with this other man or you will end whatever it is you both have going on. 

Respect and ability to own up to our responsibilities is the bedrock of any relationship. She must at all times learn to respect you and that which brought the two of you together. No matter how deeply in love you are with her, if the relationship is lacking of the vitals, there is no way one person can adequately power it to the point of success. It will get to a stage your pride, as a man, would no longer be able to take the humiliation anymore. Just like you must be ready at all times to take responsibility for your actions, she too must be ready to be liable for whatever decisions she takes. 

However, to put your relationship in the right perspective, please, call her for a roundtable discussion. For trust to exist, you must be clear on the nature of her relationship with the other man. Asking her to explain doesn’t mean you don’t support her association with males, but simply demanding that as the man in her life, you must know who her friends are irrespective of the gender of these friends. 

I sense a reluctance of sort on your part, maybe due to fears of losing her to another man. The truth is, there is nothing to fear about losing this particular girl, because if the truth must be told, you don’t have her to yourself yet. You can only be afraid of losing something that belongs exclusively to you, but not in a situation like this when you are not even sure of your position in her life. 

Confronting her as well as insisting on her doing the right things would define who is most important of the two of you in her life. 

Frankly, it is actually in your interest you take the bull by the horns to avoid wasting precious time on a relationship that may at the end of the day not be beneficial to you. 

Love is a process of endless sacrifices. You could make the sacrifice to endure whatever she decides to do to you for now, but a time would come, especially as a man when you would no longer be able to endure the humiliation of playing second best to another man in the life of the woman you are dating. Don’t wait until the hurt is too much or destroys you for another woman before making the decision. One thing is clear, if she leaves, another woman worthy of your love would come along. This is how life operates, because God sees so many things we don’t see. 

However it can only happen if you are man enough to face the truth.

Good luck.