Her Parents Say Her Husband Must Be A Muslim

Dear Agatha,

Your contribution and advice to people concerning the problems or worries about relationship is such a great thing. I really appreciate your generosity in settling matters and suggestions you give to others. May God grant you more wisdom, knowledge as well as understanding.

Please Agatha, I want you to help me out concerning a girl I love so much and who is also in love with me. But, there is this religious issue between us and it has to do with her parents who she said have never hidden their desire to ensure she marries a Muslim like them. 

Despite her being a Muslim and me a Christians, she happens to qualify for my ideal woman because she is respectful, humble, kind, soft spoken, beautiful but the ugly aspect of her is religion, being championed by her parents.  

Agatha what can I do to convince this girl concerning her parents’ stance on her husband being a Muslim.

Confused Guy.

Dear Confused Guy, 

What does she want? She must be able to tell you this. It isn’t enough for her to heap the blame of her inability to marry you on her parents based on their religious inclination; being old enough to have a boyfriend, she should be old enough to be categorical about her needs as well as the passion to defend her dreams.

The real issue here is not whether her parents have the right to make a choice for her, but if she has the guts to make one for herself. 

Her parents have a right to make demands, tell her what they think is the best for her, but she has the ultimate right to define and defend what she knows is best for her. After all, it is her life we are talking about here, not that of her parents who are still together by virtue of the choice they made back then. 

Until your girlfriend makes up her mind on whether she is really in love with you or not, ready to challenge her parents on what they think is good enough for her and what she knows would work for her, you may be wasting your time expecting anything fundamental to happen in this relationship.

Rather than worry at her parents stance, why not first concentrate on ensuring she has belief in you and your love? Find out from her what she thinks of you as a Christian? Has she ever considered marrying a Christian? Does she see you first as a man or as a Christian? Chances are that she sees you first as a Christian before the man, she may never be able to marry you, ever hold a contrary view that is different from that of her parents and is only using the opportunity provided by her parents’ opposition to put you off the scent of her true feelings for you. If this is the case, nothing you do will ever please her because she limited by her religious priority to investigate you and find out what makes you different from a lot of other men she has met so far.

It means she isn’t ready for your world, or to take chances with you. Should you insist on having that kind of woman maybe inimical to your overall happiness in life because, you both will never have the right drive and motivation to handle issues without you first taking the option of your religious difference! 

But if she sees you essentially as a man, irrespective of what your religion is, one she is interested in meeting and being friends with, one makes her laugh and adventurous, it would be easy for both of you to contemplate a future together for the simple reason that you can talk first as people before talking as religious opponents.

To help you understand each other best, ask her what she thinks of you as a person as well as the amount of sacrifice she is ready to make.

Her response to you would help you properly situate the relationship as well as give you a clear idea of how to confront her parents. 

Sincerely, I think you are putting the cart before the horse since there is still nothing concrete between the two of you. Take each day as it comes. First kick-start the relationship by establishing friendship that comes from your understanding as well as appreciation of your differences as well as the concomitant respect it takes co-exist in spite of these fundamentals. 

It is only when both of you are able to weave all the missing threads together into one knit, give your relationship a character too powerful to be perforated by your religious differences can you then meet with her parents. 

Because of the way we have unwittingly elevated religion to the point of open condemnation of anybody who doesn’t buy our own religious views, it is imperative you also frankly discuss this issue. Marriage being a lifetime journey; as the man, what is your real view about her religion? Would you be able to endure her continuing in her religion until she is convinced on the need to change on her own or give her ultimatums the moment she becomes officially your wife irrespective of whether she is ready or not to embrace the change marriage has brought her way?

Do you think your family would support you to help her appreciate the beauty in your own religion by not opposing her on account of her religion?

Unless you are determined on what you want, know the challenges ahead and prepared to tackle them with as much openness as the problems demand, what starts out as being good may end up being not too good. 

In addition to what you want, you should also go to God to ask what His intentions are for you through prayers.

Good luck.