I Lack Right Words To Woo Woman…

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the work you are doing. I am almost 17 years of age and have this problem of talking to girls. I find it hard to talk to girls and make new friends, the girls I know are all my childhood friends. It isn’t that I am shy but I just don’t know what to say to a girl that I want to be friends with. I feel bad when I see my friends relating freely with girls while I can’t. I know my education is my priority, but I want a normal life. Your advice please.

Michael.

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Dear Michael,

Everyman has his day with women whether shy or not. At 17, you still have a whole world to explore. Besides, at your age, you don’t need the complications of a romantic relationship. It will only serve to distract you for now. What you need are friends, males and females. And since you don’t have problem chatting a female friend it follows that the problem is actually in knowing the right words to communicate your romantic feelings to a girl you feel something for.

It has become a problem to you because you want to impress, you want to use words that show that you have arrived in your mastery of English Language. The act to impress and not make a fool of yourself is what is causing you to lose confidence and make you tongue-tied.

There is no need for you to try so hard to impress a woman because you will end up losing her in the end when she discovers that you are a fake. One of life’s greatest gifts is learning to make do with what you have and what you are.

A woman has to learn from day one to accept your person and what you have to offer. If your English is limited, don’t aim for what you don’t have else you would end up making a devastating fool of yourself and losing the chance to have a meaningful relationship with her.

One other thing, which makes it difficult for some men to catch the attention of a woman, is when a man comes with the phrase of being in love with her on the very first day. Love isn’t that cheap. It presents the man as not being serious and a playboy.

Therefore, to help make things easy for you, when you see a woman you fancy, restrict yourself to the things that attracted you to her like her choice of dress, colours, comportment or her beauty. These are things she can identify with, and things she knows are true but also secretly want to be complimented for. Once you are able to secure her attention, continue to sustain her interest by talking about general subjects like the weather, politics or the society itself. Asking her about her interest will further aid conversations between the two of you.

As you get to know her through successive contacts, the opportunity of being friends would have been created just as it offers you the chance of knowing whom she really is and how to present your proposal without offending her sensibilities as a woman.

As for being jealous of your friends, don’t be, because jealousy will only destroy you and further eat into your confident level. Your time will definitely come, so learn to be happy.

Good luck.

Lonely Hearts

Dear Agatha,

I need a female friend from any part of the country. I’m 32 years old and working in a company in Lagos.

I am fair in completion.

An interested man should please contact me on this number 08036728290

Thanks

Uche.

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Dear Agatha,

I would soon be 48 and retired two years ago. I am divorced and a firm Christian. I am lonely and would desire to have a Christian man who loves Jesus Christ as I do. I reside in Abeokuta.

An interested man should contact me through this number, 08052238249.

After 12 Years, My First Love Dumps Me...

Dear Agatha,

I want to share my experience with you and want you to advise me accordingly. There is this girl I have been dating since secondary school days. I was in Senior Secondary School class one when we started. That was 12 years ago.

I honestly thought we had it all going but recently, she told me to my face that she has doubts about us.

Honestly this isn't the first time she is saying such thing. This would be the third time. This time, it was different because she told me of her need to have a back up to me.

The first time she complained about the distance our relationship had to endure. Because of this, she actually left me to date another man only to come back to complain about the physical molestation the guy was subjecting her to. She actually begged me to forgive her so I took her back with no reference to what happened between us, whereas, she had rejected me for less offence. But being my first love, there is nothing I won't do for her even at some cost to my person and comfort.

The guy she said she keeps for backup is based abroad. Recently he sent her a picture of the car he bought her all in an attempt to win her heart but I am worried she would meet with disappointments from the way I see things.

I am 25 years of age and had just finished my university education. I am currently waiting for my call up letter while she is still a part time student based in Lagos while I am in Ogun State. I love her dearly, likewise my entire family. If you ask me now who I would love to spend the rest of my life with, I would pick her without hesitation. Yet problem is now knocking on my door. What should I do?

Martins.

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Dear Martins,

Allow her be. At this stage, there is nothing you tell her or do which would make her change her mind because it is obvious that she is determined to go ahead with this new relationship.

There is no teacher like experience. Liken what is happening to her to a child determined to romance fire. Nothing the mother does or says would prevent the curious child from touching the flames of a naked fire.

Only the experience of the pains inflicted by the fire can prevent the child from going near fire again. The attractions of a car as well as the lure of going abroad are two powerful incentives for any young materialistic girl to resist.

Compared to life abroad, she feels what you have to offer her is dull and unattractive.
Your concerns for her now would be wasted, misinterpreted as being instigated by your self-desires. If you push too hard, you would not only be losing a girlfriend but a friend of almost 12 years.

So learn to thread softly else you end up becoming bitter enemies for life. Besides there is an adage that if you love something very much, allow it some freedom and if it comes back of its own freewill then it is yours to keep. There is no keeping a woman who doesn't want to be kept by a man. She would only end up hurting you in such a way you would wish you had allowed her freedom in the first place.

Already, she has started having affairs. How long do you think your love can endure this humiliation, and continue to keep her from misbehaving?

If a woman is determined not to gate-keep her body, there is nothing the man in her life can do to make her stay within the bounds of a relationship. That is the reality of the matter. You can only love a person but cannot force that person to have feelings for you.

Frankly, she has outgrown you and has her eyes on other men she considered better than you.

Keeping her too long would not only at the end of the day destroy your trust in women but also prevent you from beginning something new with a woman who truly loves you.

The opportunity provided by your coming National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) is one for you to begin afresh. Life is about given opportunities. Every day, God gives us opportunities to change our ways for the better but the fear of the unknown limits us from taking the right steps.

This lady has told you in many ways, she doesn't have confidence in you anymore, lacks respect for you. Don't allow her humiliate you more than she has done or destroy you for another woman to manage.

Being in love is not being stupid. For her to have confronted you with her desire to have a spare man to you shows her mind is made up and has adequately considered all her options carefully.

The NYSC programme will help you forget about her and concentrate on finding the right kind of girl. Before leaving for your NYSC scheme, openly declare your own decisions too to begin afresh. She is taking advantage of the quality of love you have for her to misbehave. The moment she knows you are also capable of leaving her, she either decides to behave or take off to her new lover's arms.

Granted it would hurt you to now see 12 years of your love evaporate into thin air but eventually, you will be glad you did. With this kind of woman, there is no telling what she is capable of doing if you eventually marry her and things aren't going too smooth for you.

Frankly you should be glad at the development because it would have been a greater calamity to you, if you had discovered this side of her after getting married to her.

If it is any consolation, God is still very much in the business of meeting our needs and making ways out of every difficult situation. Trust Him and see how well He transforms this moment for you into pure happiness.

Good luck.

How Does One Remedy Ejaculating Too Soon?

Dear Agatha,

I appreciate the way you solve problems through your advice. I'm a guy of 27, each time I have sex, I ejaculate too early, just as soon as I get in. I find it difficult to have sex with my girl friend because I'm scared I won’t be able to satisfy a woman. Please tell me, what can I do to improve on that because I can't possibly avoid having sex when I get married?

Benjamin.

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Dear Agatha,

I thank you for your wonderful job so far. Keep it up. Please, I really need your advice. I am a 29-year-old guy from Enugu State. Please what can be done to stop ejaculating too soon? How can I prolong it for about 30 minutes to really get my girlfriend satisfied? Also do you think masturbating every day is ok? Please explain to me.

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Dear Readers,

We have dealt with this issue extensively. I would appreciate if you go back to past editions to get clues on ways of solving all the issues concerning ejaculations you have all raised.

Thanks.

Agatha.

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Re: Before My Quick Orgasm Sends Her Packing

Dear Agatha,

I read your column often and would like to say you are doing a nice job. On May 11, 2009, your publication concerning a guy, scared of losing his woman to premature ejaculation fascinates me.

I would like to offer him the benefit of experience and assist him.

I am not a specialist or an expert. I’m just a young guy of 23 years of age, who had similar problem and become knowledgeable on it from reading several articles on the issue. Would be glad if you can do this if it isn’t against your policy.

Jerry.

I’m In Love With Two Girls… One Family

Dear Agatha,

I pray God satisfies you with long life and more wisdom!

I'm in a dilemma. There is this lady I met in 2005 in the north and after a while, I proposed marriage to her. She agreed but kept postponing the date until she travelled abroad and we eventually lost contact.

I relocated to Abuja and met another lady I equally fall in love with and proposed marriage to. When we went to her village in the north for introduction, alas, she turned out to be the younger sister of my first girlfriend.

She said since she came back that she has been trying to get in contact too but all to no avail. Now, I love the two of them equally. What should I do?

Confused Man.

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Dear Confused Man,

Before I start, let me ask you this question, what do you understand by love? What do you feel for this other lady in particular?

There is no way you can move forward, if you don’t appreciate that with each kind of love come responsibilities. A relationship that has nothing attached to it other than the chemistry that brought a couple together is doomed from the beginning.

Also every relationship comes with a divine purpose. You may indeed feel something special for the elder sister but if it was strong enough do you think she would have placed her interest above the chance of spending the rest of her life with you or kept postponing the date until she eventually travelled out? Have you ever considered the fact that she deliberately didn’t want to get in touch with you? That in this modern age, it isn’t as difficult for anyone especially her to have gotten your contact through your phone or that of a close friend irrespective of you moving away from the location you both were based?

What reason did she give for her travelling abroad and what arrangement did you both put into place before she travelled out? At least you both had agreed until the point she travelled to spend the rest of your lives together. Was her travelling something you both agreed on, arranged together? These are important issues you must take into account because every stage in life has its peculiar challenges. Once a wrong decision is taken it affects the other stages in such a way that makes recovery difficult.

If you both had planned the trip together, there is no way contact would have been lost which means she did it on her own.

Would she have considered you if her trip was successful or had met someone who wanted her for keep? Frankly, you have to be careful else you end up with the wrong bride because any person who puts his or her interest above the common goal would never make a good partner.

Furthermore, it would be unfair to jettison your relationship with the younger lady simply on account of the re-appearance on the scene of her elder sister.

For you to have gone the length of asking her hand in marriage and travelling to her village to formalise things with her means you feel something very special for her. What excuse would you give her and your both families? That the woman you have told them you want to marry is no longer in view because of your earlier relationship with her sister who left you to travel abroad?

On the other hand, how would you feel if this girl meets an ex and decides to walk away from it all at this vital stage of the relationship?

Again consider the character of her elder sister. Do you think it is proper for her to want to deprive her younger sister of her chance of happiness or her penchant of always placing her own happiness above others? First, it was you she left unceremoniously and now she doesn’t mind replacing her sister in your heart in the name of knowing you first.

Be careful. Carefully examine the values of each of these women who though may be sisters would definitely have very dissimilar attitudes towards life. Which of them in your hearts of heart do you think has more respect for you and your feelings? Has the more care and understanding of your person? Who shares your dream in life and has what it takes to support you to succeed?

Who among them do you have the most confident in, sure of her loyalty when things aren’t exactly right for you? Then ask yourself if this other woman who lacked confidence in your dreams way back then would have looked your way twice if there were no improvement in your life?

The best things usually don’t come in attractive packages, often than not, they come concealed in unattractive wrappers like raw gold.

Ask God to help you look beyond the excitement of meeting an old flame to the treasures within the bride you have chosen for yourself.

But to make sure you are on the right path, in addition to going to God, explain everything to your current woman and ask for sometime to clear your head. But be sure you don’t delay it too long to avoid regrets because the special features that attracted you to this woman are there for other men to see too.

Good luck.

Get Me My ‘Stolen’ Husband Please!

Dear Agatha,

I want my husband back. Please do whatever you can to help get him back. I have been married for close to 15 years and have had little problems with my husband. He is the typical ideal husband. He does not drink, smoke and hardly eats outside the home. Except when he goes to the office, we are always together. Even at that, I could always give an accurate account of his movements and activities.

You can therefore imagine my surprise when a close friend of ours came with the disturbing tale that my best friend, with whom I grew up, was often sighted with my husband at a particular guest house in Palm Groove area of Lagos.

Initially I didn’t believe it one bit because apart from my friend being married, she and I are often together. The days we don’t see, it is either she is out of town or I am. We were in the habit of discussing our husbands and children. Being close from childhood we were more or less sisters.

I thought the person telling me the story was out to destroy our friendship out of jealousy I even did the stupid thing of telling my friend what this other person said. She, like me, was furious. Together we abused the other person. When my husband heard, he stopped that person from coming to our house.

I guess that was what hurt this other friend the most. Five months after that incident, I got a call from a public phone to come to the same guesthouse at Palm Groove to see my husband and best friend.

At first, I wanted to ignore the call but I decided out of curiousity to go as well as deal with the person behind the malicious gossip once and for all.

To my shock, I met my husband and friend in a very intimate embrace inside his car. Obviously, they had finished and were on their way out when I went to confront them. My friend and my husband ignored me and drove away without saying anything. I was left dumbfounded and watching their retreating images.

Needless to say, my load was waiting for me outside my home when I came back. My friend currently stays in my house. Her husband is as confused as I am. Our mothers too cannot comprehend what is wrong but I heard from a family friend who went to plead with my husband that I am a disappointment in bed. It is strange because I have always thought we had a great sex life. Agatha, I don’t care how you do it; please get my man back for me.

Toro.

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Dear Toro,

Sincerely, I wish I could with a mere wave of my hands bring him back to you and the children but I lack that power. Only God can bring him back. Go on your knees and beg God to intervene in this matter because it is clearly beyond what any person can do.

God knows what you and I don’t know. I am not sure of the motive of the person that told you but if you ask me that call was mischievous and calculated to destroy your home and happiness because even though your husband was into another relationship, he still met his obligations to you and the children. If you hadn’t gone there, you would still have been in your home. I am sure you know now when not to listen to people no matter how good intentioned the gesture appears to be.

Unfortunately what this person has only succeeded in doing is getting you out of your home. Doubtless your husband and friend betrayed you in the worst possible way a woman can be betrayed by the two people she trusts the most, this other person finished the process and no matter what people say about your friend and husband, you also helped the process by giving a willing car to external forces whose motive and interest are yet to be established in this matter.

This is no time to throw tantrums or brand your friend and husband rather, it is the best time to hold on to God and ask for mercy and strength to survive this trying period. Go and beg your husband for forgiveness. It doesn’t matter if he is the one that has hurt or betrayed you, it is not yet time for you to play the injured woman and betrayed wife. There is enough time for that.

What is important is for you to reclaim your home. For now, forget the humiliation of being the one to beg after what he did to you, if you keep thinking of that incident, you will never be able to move on and retrieve your home from this intruder. The task before you now is to get back your home, man and happiness as a woman. If you insist on the propriety of the situation you are going through, you might never go back to that house. This is the time to play the stupid wife.

As for your sexual performance, while you shouldn’t take it too seriously since he is bound to find excuses for his behaviour, still for your sake read books, on how to improve your sexual performance. It is very important to the survival of any marriage. In future keep friends out of your home.

Good luck.

I’m In A One-sided Relationship

Dear Agatha,

I have a major challenge confronting me. I’m about to go into my second marriage years after my ex and I went our different ways.

Sincerely, the decision to go into this marriage didn’t come easy. I’m going into it because a time comes in a woman’s life when she has to have a man by her side, not necessarily for love-making but to have a companion to come back to when all the kids leave the nest.

But I’m really afraid of what I’m going into. My observation of the man is he seems not to care about me at all. It isn’t just about his reluctance to part with money on very little things like buying me a recharge card when I’m low on cash or say it to humour him but his lack of ability to keep to any promise made to me. He would make a promise and at the point of delivery back out.

When I noticed this, I confronted him only for him to give me the impression that he is doing it for a reason. Whatever his reasons are, he refused to discuss them with me and frankly, I’m becoming afraid and uneasy with the entire development.

If I don’t call, he won’t and when he does, it is only to flash me to call him back.

I would have understood if he weren’t comfortable. Like I said, it isn’t just a case of his unwillingness to part with his money but even his time and attention.

I’m now wondering what I’m doing in such a one-sided relationship where I appear to be the only one oiling its wheels? At my age I deserve better, not a man whose heart appears to be somewhere else; whose interest in me seems to be for sex only.

Please help me because I really don’t know what to do. The man is an elderly divorced man too whose children are all grown up.

I’m so confused about the whole thing because in my heart I’m beginning to love him, which is why I take the time to do all the calling and send text messages.

Confused Woman.

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Dear Confused Woman,

We find ourselves at some crossroads that get us so confused we don’t know how to progress from that spot.

When God forces on us a cross that appears too heavy for us to carry, the best thing is to go back to Him in prayers for His directions. More than you realise, I appreciate the intensity of the inner battle you are fighting; the signal that you are doing the right thing as well as the light you need to either go back or forward.

Believe me, when I say it is not an enviable position you have found yourself in. Having had experience of men, do you think you can cope? Apart from companionship what are your other expectations for this marriage? I know the bit about a woman depending on her man for certain favours but how much responsibility can men carry these days on their own? The economic situation has made it mandatory for women too to be up and doing to avert the emotional danger of meeting with disappointments anytime she has a need to meet.

Doubtless, he is your second attempt but if he weren’t there you would still have to buy your recharge cards as well as meet all the other financial obligations you have shouldered on your own before his appearance in your life.

The issue of the heart is so tender yet very hardwearing. If you break it in a hurry, its shattering effects as well as regrets never go away. These consequences stay long enough to remind you about what you could have done differently.

I’m glad you are already at the age of wisdom, when the kaleidoscope of life’s ever-changing colours shift away from its exciting patterns to more solid forms. By now you know, no matter how much you try, life will not always go our way. We have to lose something to gain something precious and everlasting. Like you said, sex is no longer a factor. If you want; at your age, you have the freedom to do what you like without answering question from anybody because you now have the sole authority over your body.

Having made up your mind that companionship is what you want from him, sit back and consider how much sacrifice you can make for your happiness. There is no contesting the fact that you have reasons to be apprehensive but you must also learn too that it isn’t easy for him too.

Having lost his first wife, the woman of his youth, he also has some stocktaking to do. He has to be sure he is bringing the right woman, who has the emotional, spiritual maturity to share in his life.

Frankly, this is the time for plenty of caution especially as you love him. In spite of all you have observed about him, he must have his good side; the side of him that makes him important enough in your life to warrant you wanting to spend the rest of your life with him.

At the age you are and with the history you have, those feelings just don’t happen like that. They come from a very deep part of one’s life. It shows he has very promising side; the side that is making you consider matrimony again. Though you didn’t say how long you have been single or your age, the fact remains that he couldn’t have been the first man to approach you for marriage.

All those others you didn’t consider because they lacked what you want in a man at your age.

When issues get this complicated, it pays to move away from the immediacy of the issue causing the complication to the lesser ones for clearer perspective on how to go.

Weigh his positive side with the flaws you have noticed. In doing this, also consider your own imperfections and the likely challenges he is also going to encounter with you. By the time you finish, the step to take with the help and support of God will be clearer to you.

Good luck.

She Dumped Me For My Boss… Now Back Begging

Dear Agatha,

I just want you to know that it shall always be well with you in Jesus name. Please just say amen to that.

The issue I am about to share with you has been on my mind for a while now. It started four years ago when I met my girlfriend. Then she was the best thing that happened to me. All my colleagues in the office loved her.

Things went on fine until last year, when her attitude began to change towards me. I discovered that she comes to my office even when she knows I won’t be in the office without telling me.

Severally, I have come back to the office to meet her on the laps of my boss.

When I queried her over the matter, she told me pointblank to quit if I can’t live with it. That it was her life and that she was at liberty to do what she wanted with it. Things got so bad between us that I decided to report the issue to her brother.

By the time the matter came into the open, she threatened me right in the presence of her brother that I would regret the move I made. She said my action would cost me my job. The next day, I lost my job. Five days after I lost my job, I was attacked in my house and received deep cut on my head as a result of the attack in addition to being beaten up seriously.

Not only did she succeed in turning my life into a mess but also unable to get decent employment. But God remained faithful in all these.

About three months ago, she got my new address and has signaled her interested to come back to me. Since that incident, it has been difficult for me to go into any relationship. I seem to have developed a phobia for women. I can’t walk up to a woman to express my feelings no matter what I feel for her.

I really want to settle down as soon as I get back on my feet in terms of finances. My former girlfriend has been putting so much pressure on me but I have told her she belongs to my past and that what happened came about for a reason.

Please, Agatha, I really need your help. Can you link me with any lady who wants to get married very soon? She must be a Christian and a born again. This is my number, 08076908285. Also I want to meet you in person, is that possible?

Paul.

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Dear Paul,

Hiding behind the facade of a letter in the lonely heart column won’t solve the problem at hand. Before going into a new relationship, you must summon the needed courage to face the past squarely. How much did she hurt you? How much of your pride and trust as a man did she damage? Can you ever trust a woman again?

What about the hardship you have had to endure as a result of this? Do you think you can ever be able to forgive her for making you go through this period of lack?

These are issues a visit to your past would help resolve sufficiently. You must first give yourself the chance to heal from the disappointments and embarrassments you suffered from this episode to be able to move forward. Don’t forget it wasn’t just your ego as a man that was affected but the essence of your person. These are things you don’t forget in a hurry because they touch on the fundamental core of your existence as a person, particularly as a man. Don’t gloss over what happened to you to avoid you inflicting needless pains and aches on an innocent woman.

You must be absolutely sure you can trust again before falling in love. Granted it might not be so easy but if you refuse to let go of the memory of your past, the present and future may not be as enjoyable as you think.

To help you heal, there might be the need for you to give audience to your ex. When preparing for a next time, it is always better to arm yourself with all the information from the past to prevent making a similar mistake.

Despite having a wonderful relationship with her, there must have been something she didn’t like or you didn’t but were too interested in the relationship to do anything about.

For instance, you must know why she left you for the other man. In addition to his position of being your boss, what other thing motivated her to go into the relationship and why is she desirous of coming back into your life?

This is intended to help you understand her likes and women in general. It is also to help you view the past from a clearer perspective. When we know the mistakes we made in the past, it will help prevent greater tragedies in the future.

If there is anything this experience taught you, it is how to be a man. Life is a huge school. You must go through its different departments to be a complete person. Let her teach you through this dialogue the right signs to look out for when shopping for the right partner. By now, you must have realised that your assessments of her were entirely off the line. You need first to examine those things that are most important to you before approaching the next woman.

If you learn to look at the positive side of life, things will work better and brighter. Talking with her will make forgiveness easy as well as give you the freedom to move on with your life.

It is also not advisable for any man or woman to become desperate about marriage. Sincerely, being desperate about it makes it impossible for you to come up with the right choice of a partner. You risk the danger of making do with just any woman whether she has the right qualities to make you happy or not. This isn’t the time at all to make do with just anything because the choice you are about to make is the one who would stay with you forever. The one you plan to share everything and moment with. Simply because one woman disappointed you doesn’t mean you should sacrifice or compromise your happiness whatsoever.

Take your time to be friends with whosoever you meet. You are having problems approaching a woman because you have a one-point agenda to marry at all cost, whereas if you agree to be friends first the relationship will follow a natural pattern. Women get irritated when the first thing a man comes up at first meeting is declaration of love.

Importantly, learn to be more dependent on God for you to be able to make the right choice.

Good luck.

My Husband May Have To Choose Between Me, His Sibling

Dear Agatha,

I want you to help solve these problems facing me.

I am a new bride. My husband’s younger brother in his third year in secondary school is living with us. I discharge my responsibilities to this boy as his brother's wife. I give him transport fare to and fro school in addition to pocket money. As one who aspires to be a mother, I ensure he lacks nothing but my problem with him is that he has no respect for me at all.

He never does anything I ask him to do. I combine working with going to school. One day I came back from school at 8p.m. to discover there was no water at home when my husband came back he was very angry with me saying I should have gone out to fetch water when I noticed that there was no water at that time of the night.

As if that wasn’t enough, recently the boy refused to wash his own clothes only for my husband to get upset with me insisting I should have washed the clothes for him.

The humiliation is becoming too much for me. I am no longer happy with my husband. I want to send that boy back to his parents or I live for him. Please advice me on what to do.

Favour.

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Dear Favour,

Don’t make the mistake of giving your husband such ultimatum. It is too early in the day and could cause major problems with your in-laws who could just be waiting for this opportunity to start fomenting trouble in your home.

This boy couldn’t have been acting on his own volition. He is acting a script prepared for him by the unseen hands of some people in the family who may not be happy with the choice of you as their son’s wife. Insisting he goes back would only justify their reason for not liking you in the first place.

Besides, these are the same people you will have to live with for the rest of your life, so would your children in that family. Many a time, it is the beginning of a problem we know, the time and format it would take is usually unknown to us. It is best you don’t even begin a battle you cannot finish especially with one so young, who at best could be your child. He is too minor for you to vacate your home.

Don’t also blame him. The blame is your husband’s. The boy is responding to you the way your husband has projected you. Had your husband stood his grounds, no matter the brief the boy must have got from home, would have been neutralised by him. His attitude so far only encourages the boy to further humiliate you.

To be frank, it is not this boy you have problems with; rather it is your husband who has decided to stripe you of the respect you have as his wife. It is your husband that is empowering him to continue in his attitude towards you.

Sending that boy home would not solve this problem in the long run as your husband would continue to humiliate you in the presence of any member of his family. How many people can you fight?

One of the solutions is for you to stand up to your husband to demand for your right as his wife. Impress it on him that any insult on your person is his to share too.

What you should first do is to call the boy aside and talk to him as you would your child. Make him understand that you have taken him as your son and as your son, you expect him to accord you the respect deserving of your position as his mother.

He is too young for you not to be able to handle. Let him know that as long as he stays in your house, he has to execute his own side of the bargain. If possible explain the different duties you and your husband do to make his stay comfortable. For instance let him know that you are the one who pays his transport fare to and fro school as well as buy him those things you bring home for him.

This, he has to know to help you erase whatever impression or thoughts may have been implanted into his head before your marriage to his brother.

Don’t also forget that he is in his teenage years, that time in the life of every child they become difficult to manage and generally recalcitrant. The way you manage him will show how well you can manage your own child. Besides, you must also appreciate the fact that you are both coming from different backgrounds.

It could be in his house, his mother does all the chores for him like washing of clothes and fetching of water. Changing from the training he got from home may not be that easy. The transition would take tact and wisdom from you to bring about.

This is why you must first take him on to know if he is being deliberately mischievous, or just acting his training out.

You may also have to take a trip outside your home to get information. For instance, look at any of your in-laws, who has the friendliest attitude towards you and confide the challenge you are having with your young brother-in-law. The intention is not to drive him but to serve as your back up should things degenerate and principally to get the right information to help you tackle him.

Have it at the back of your mind that marriage is never a smooth ride. Problems could come from anywhere. Your own children might just be the ones causing the quack in your marriage. We all just have to learn how to manage the peculiarities of our challenges.

The other step you should take is to call your husband to express your reservations at his handling of the matter. Let him know that even if you have treated his brother in a way he doesn’t like, he should call you to express his reservations not drag you in the mud right in front of the third party.

From this beginning learn to voice your objections, albeit in a very respectful way. Your husband has to know that you derive your strength from him and that when he denies you the cover you need to be strong, you are not the only one who is exposed but he too. Frankly, he is the one you have the major challenge with not any of your in-laws, least of all, this boy.

Whatever happens learn to be patient and loving to this young man despite his behaviour. This does not mean you should indulge him but exercise the tolerance to train him in the right way.

Don’t worry, if he gets rude at times, a disciplinary measure executed in love will fix the problem quicker than shouting and fighting.

Besides, you need people like him to train you to help develop well in crisis management.

Importantly, go before God in prayers. Commit your marriage to Him as well as all the challenges inherent in it.

Good luck.

Re: One Kid ‘ll Reward 10-year Love Venture With Him

Dear Agatha,

I want to comment on the above subject from Alice.

My prayer is that God will continually supply you with wisdom and understanding towards the good work you are doing.

I want Alice to know that men are generally polygamous in nature.

This man was honest from the onset about his marital status as well as his disinterest not to marry another woman.

That pronouncement alone makes it clear that whatever he was having on the side wasn’t meant to be permanent. By accepting to date this man meant Alice agreed with the conditions he spelt out. I want Alice to know that what she called ‘love’ is because the man is ‘ready made soup,’ and what she is looking for now is to take her own part of the soup. Unfortunately things don’t work that way always.

She is complaining she is of age, didn’t she notice that before agreeing to date this married man in spite of spelling out his conditions from the outset.

Her intentions of going to that man’s house to meet his wife and family to disgrace the man would only end in her own embarrassment because she lacks a valid case. For 10 years she denied the woman of quality time with her husband and the children too. Alice should wake up to reality.

I want her to know that not everybody is affected by charms.

Granted this man has betrayed the vows of his marriage but he appears to enjoy the favour of God, which makes it impossible for him to be destroyed by any man. Having avoided her for sometime, she should do the decent thing, allow him be. There is no way the wife can pretend she isn’t aware of Alice’s involvement with her husband but if she ignored her, why can’t Alice do the same thing?

The best thing for her now is forgive yourself, ask God forgiveness and drop a note for the man and also ask him for forgiveness by wishing him a happy home.

She should repent and pray for changes to come into her life.

In addition, she should run away from her so-called evil friends if she wants to be happy in life.

Oby.

My Confidence Too Low To Woo Woman

Dear Agatha,

Where in the world did you learn this talent of overcoming people’s problems?

I am a 20-year-old boy who since secondary school has had no relationship with any woman. I often ask my friends how they manage to talk women into having relationships with them. Some of my friends think my question funny. They ask if I am impotent. Agatha, it has nothing to do with impotency but my inability to chat up a girl to respond to my overtures. It is also confusing to me. I don't know why it happens like that. Please help me if you can.

Lonely boy.

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Dear Lonely boy,

All the glory for whatever I am doing here rightly belongs to God. He is the problem solver; I am only doing His bidding. You are having this problem because deep down you have this morbid fear that you don't have what it takes to keep these girls. Unless you overcome your sense of limitations, inadequacy and fear of embarrassing yourself in the presence of a woman, you would never be able to chat up a woman.

One of the ways to challenge this restriction in your life is to accept the fact that we are all prone, one time or the other, to mistakes and making fools of ourselves. Ask a lot of experienced men, they would tell you that the first time they talked to a woman was the most difficult time of their lives. It is the most frightening because it is an entirely new terrain.

The gut to withstand the cold stare of the woman, her arrogance, and sometimes, outright rudeness is what you need. Brave it because underneath the facade of indifference and toughness most women put up the first time a man approaches them, is a soft and friendly side.

The worst, a woman can do is to tell you off. She is only exercising her prerogative. Move on to one who would receive your interest with happiness.

Being honest, simple and factual would work better magic for you than any word. Don't worry too much about any woman who shuns you or is very rude to you. It is one of the processes you have to confront in your journey towards manhood.

Next time you see a girl you like, begin the process by limiting your interest to general topics like the weather, situation of the country, politics and her interest in life. Your interest should only be tabled when you are both sufficiently friendly.

Good luck.

She Abhors Me For Lacking In Civility

Dear Agatha,

I am a 23-year-old boy. There was this day I went to the church, and during service I noticed this pretty lady who lives on my side of town.

We proposed to see after service because I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. As my friends and I were walking back home after the service we met them along the way back home but because some elders were coming behind us we couldn't start interacting immediately. When we got to a point where we were alone, I told her of my desire to have her for a friend. From her countenance I could detect reluctance on her part. When I asked for her name, she refused to tell me but since we were almost at her place, we couldn’t continue our conversation so I promise to see her next day at the service.

She didn't make it to the service the next day. I was anxious when she still didn't come the day after that. I was relieved when I saw her three days later. I rushed to ask what kept her away for those days she was absent from church. With a face screwed up in something akin to irritation, she said nothing was the matter.

I refused to be intimidated by her coldness even though deep down it felt so sharp and painful.

I developed the habit of asking after her health and her observation of the service, despite her indifferences to me. One day she told me pointblank to stop disturbing her. She said I was caging her.

That day, she even refused to respond to my friends' greetings.

Too confused, my friends and I followed her all the way to her home. My friends agreed to help me because I told them how I feel about her and how I didn't want to lose her.

When her house was within sight, she told us to go back and that she does not want to see any of us around her again. I left dejected at her attitude but having known the exact room and compound she stays, I was determined to do a follow up. I later discovered that her married sister and her family she stays with are also members of our church.

After that incident, there was a programme in the church and we found ourselves sitting side by side. I initially didn’t see her. At any rate, my feelings for her have changed from what was. I didn't feel anything for her anymore.

When she noticed I wasn't staring at her as the pastor was preaching she began to make efforts to talk to me. Becoming embarrassed by her attitude, I had to relocate.

After the programme, I told my friends about her and her reactions to me. We all agreed to go see her at home thinking her reactions towards me has thawed. When we got to her house the next day, it was a different person from the one I saw in the church. After listening to what we had to say, she told us that she does not deal with guys like us because in her estimation we are too uncivilised. She warned us never to come near her again.

I was confused and wondered at the contradiction in her attitude.

What should I do? I really love her. She is not wayward and does not flirt. I need your help even though I know she does not love me. It is so bad that she no longer responds to my greetings.

Sunday.

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Dear Sunday,

There is little you can do to make her change her mind. She simply does not feel what you feel for her, I know how damning and painful it is to have feelings for someone who does not reciprocate, but better to be disappointed at this early stage than to suffer heartbreak later.

She has told you in a very clear term, she is not interested in you. Stop hurting and embarrassing yourself, she has told you what she thinks of you and your class of friends.

The only way you can make her notice you and prove to her that you are not uncivilised is to challenge yourself to succeed in life. Set a very high target for yourself, work towards achieving it. It doesn't matter how long it takes, just be determined to change your status from an uncivilised boy to a very successful man.

This challenge of her words could be the reason God made your paths crossed. Maybe, you are one of those young men who is never serious with life, hence this harsh words from a woman to make you sit up.

You would have failed the inherent test of this encounter if you fail to take up the challenge of improving on yourself and status. If you are still in school, concentrate on your education and be determined to graduate with very good grades to attract premium employment. If you have already left school, be determined to put in your best.

What she thinks of you now does not matter but would, if she meets you in the same situation in another decade to come. The value we put on ourselves through our determination to succeed is what we are judged with when the final day comes. At the age you are, you need opinions like hers to fuel your determination in life. You need people whose belief in your dream to get the added push to succeed in life.

Pick up the pieces of what is left of your pride and sit back to take stock of your life. Where do you need to concentrate more energy? What do you need to cut out of your life? Do these, and you would always remember this lady as having helped you achieve your dream in a very special way.

Don't worry too much, if God says she has more than a passing role to play in your life you would still meet somewhere else and begin that journey to a lifetime together. But if not, bury your pains and disappointment and say a big thank you to God for frustrating this interest because it is the key to brighter and happier tomorrows. What is left is for you to seek the face of God in getting to your promised land.

Good luck.

He Beats Me Like Boxer In Ring

Dear Agatha,

I have been married for six years with two children. Unfortunately, the marriage lacks peace.

My husband is always in the habit of beating me whenever we have misunderstanding. As a matter of fact I never liked or loved him but the church forced me into marrying him on the grounds that he is a nice man. I am 29 now and he is 45 years of age.

He doesn’t care for the children or I, as I carry the entire family responsibilities despite earning a meager salary. His excuse for not taking care of the children and I is that he is waiting to be blessed by God before he takes on his responsibilities to his family.

Recently be beat me to the point that I was unconscious, before our neighbours rushed me to the hospital.

Thereafter, I ran away with the children. The church intervened insisting it is God’s will for me because I wedded him in the church.

I don’t want to go back to him. I’m afraid he may kill me. I am so confused and helpless. What should I do?

Efe.

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Dear Efe,

At this stage the issue goes beyond you or the church. Involve your family since any permanent injury or death that occurs from this domestic violence would affect them most.

When a man takes to beating his wife into unconsciousness, that marriage is in severe trouble and begging alone will not wish the problem away.

The church cannot blackmail you to stay at the expense of your life. It is because you are alive they can come to beg you. Had you died in the process of being beaten by this man, who would the church come to beg? A dead body?

It is obvious there are thorny issues in this marriage that should not be swept under the carpet on the altar of religious doctrine. The church is in the best position now to change him for good provided they have the right attitude towards this matter.

This isn’t just a case of begging you to come back but of digging deep to find out what the real issues are. Why does he take delight in beating you? Is it a perfect solution to whatever it is you are doing wrong? Why is he refusing to care for the children and you?

These are clear volatile issues that could cripple any marriage.

Begging you to come back without first clearing all the outstanding causes of problems in the marriage, would only complicate things between the two of you later in the future.

One of the cardinal responsibilities of the church is to find a lasting solution to whatever that makes him to beat you. The situation in your marriage calls for a pragmatic approach not a doctrinaire solution like the church seems to be pursuing.

To get them to listen to whatever you feel is the problem, go to the authority of the church with a view of getting them to listen to you. Tell them the consequences of pressurising you to go back into the marriage without them first clearing out all the dark cobwebs that have constituted problems to you and your spouse. This is one time you shouldn’t allow yourself to be pushed into doing what you don’t want to do.

If the church is refusing to listen to you, remind them of their responsibilities to you and why they should take liability for the problem they helped in creating in the first place.

This is your life hence must be very clear and definite about the way you want things to go because you need to be alive to care for those children.

No matter how anyone else tries to care for those children, they cannot do a good job as you, so always bear this in mind during the process of resolving the crisis in your marriage.

The role you have to play towards finding an amiable solution to the issues involved in your marriage is to admit to your own faults too. The truth is, even if you agree to go your different ways, it can be absolute because of those children hence you must strive to keep the communication line opened if not for now but for the sake of those children who would one day want to know about their father. No matter how you desire it, those children cannot keep permanent enmity with their father.

You may have pushed the man into desperate measures through the attitude you are putting up as a result of your not liking him. When a woman finds herself in a situation like yours, the tendency is for her to misbehave and force the man through her indifference to him to do things he wouldn’t do in a very normal situation.

If this is the case, be honest enough to admit your contributions to the problems at hand, it would make a fair resolution possible.

I say this because marriage is a complicated landmine, which needs a bold, honest, and firm approach to navigate it to a safe landing. A man deserves respect to continue to function as head of the home while a woman requires care and attention to play her role as wife effectively.

What is missing in your marriage? If those issues are resolved can you live with this man in peace and harmony? You are at that stage in your marriage when the crisis you are facing is making everything appear just in one dull colour. Most marriages go through the process but once able to overcome this period the other hidden beautiful colours will start to emerge.

It is just a matter of you being able to endure this period and focus on the best way to go about sourcing for solutions. However, at the end of the day, let the decision of what you would do come from you and not from those around you. This way you will be able to endure the consequences that come from the position you opted for.

Committing this marriage to the able hands of God will also help you look at other areas you haven’t bothered to look into due to the pains you are currently going through.

Good luck.

Need A Girl In My Life

Dear Agatha,

I will be happy if through your column I find a girl of my choice. I am a 300 Level undergraduate of the University of Benin (UNIBEN). I really need a girl in my life for a sex-free relationship, between the ages of 18 to 21 years of age, who can define the word relationship.

She must be a Christian but could come from any tribe. Interested girl can call me through this phone no: 08032417035.

Thank you very much and God bless you.

Any Honour Expressing My Feelings For Him Via Text Message?

Dear Agatha,

There is this issue eating me up but don’t know how to resolve it.

There is this man who has been my friend for over a year. Over the months, he has shown signs of his desire to be more than a friend even though he hasn’t said anything to that effect.

I also started developing something deeper for him so I sent him a text message stating my feelings for him.

He called me back to inform me that we need to talk, but my fear is that I don’t know if what I did is right. I don’t want any thing that will destroy my image.

Worried Lady.

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Dear Worried Lady,

You haven’t done any thing wrong or to be ashamed of. If this man decides to interpret what you have done as being cheap and indecent then he is not worthy of you.

Life generally is about risk taking. Rather than die in silence or regret your actions later down the years like most women and men do, you took the important step of securing your happiness. It is called being bold and honest. Besides, you are both friends.

However, there is the need for you before your meeting to have proper definition of what you feel. What exactly do you feel for this man? Aren’t you mistaking your feeling of friendship for him to be love? This is very important because if what you feel for him weren’t the real thing, it would destroy the foundation of friendship you have both built together.

The only mistake you did was not to have thoroughly subjected your feelings for him to proper analysis before sending him that text. Often than not those in your kind of situation unknowingly mistake the chemical of friendship for love, and putting a temporary distance between the two of you is the only way to be sure you are not mistaking one kind of feeling for the other. Granted, friendship is the prime property in a viable love relationship, but it needs the chemical of love to bond properly. This has nothing to do with mere sexual feeling, but that kind of feeling that differentiates pure sexual attraction from enduring ones that can withstand the text of time. A man and woman can be friends without having the right kind of feelings to stay together.

To be sure you know what you want, take some few days away from him to enable you think clearly. Some of the issues you should consider are: would you have found him attractive enough to fall in love with if meeting him for the first time? What are those extra qualities that are making you to consider spending the rest of your life with him? Would you feel a sense of bereavement or loss if it doesn’t work out between the two of you? If what you would feel is a sense of absoluteness, then it is worth your venture, but if temporary it might fall short of the effort.

When you both meet to talk, let him have the first go at the dialogue session. Listen attentively to what he has to say and look out for signs, especially if he accepts your proposals. Make sure it is because he feels the same way about you and not because he feels an obligation to you.

Overall, learn to be happy with whom you are and never give any person the opportunity to doubt your integrity. It is only when you give people the opportunity to call you names or question your integrity that you end up with credibility crisis.

Good luck.

My Girl Takes No Order Until I Bark

Dear Agatha,

I am 26 years old while my girlfriend is 19. Our relationship is just nine months old.

Our problem is that hardly will day passed without any quarrel due to her rudeness to me. She never listens to me until I shout at her, after which she will begin to cry.

It has become the pattern of our relationship and I am no longer comfortable with her behaviour, though I love her.

Agatha, could this be as a result of her age? Can she still be said to be a child?

Worried Guy.

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Dear Worried Guy,

At 19, she still has a long way to go. At the tail end of her turbulent teenage years, she is bound to still be stubborn and an irritant to anyone close to her. She is at the age where receiving instruction or abiding by the rules is most difficult.

This is because she already sees herself as an adult and doesn’t understand why she can’t have all the freedom that go with the age.

Your job as her boyfriend is not to get irritated but to show her through your own good example that being an adult doesn’t stop one from abiding by rules.

Shouting at her will only frighten her and make her wonder at the wisdom of exchanging one form of restriction for another. Don’t forget all these while she has been under the authority of either her parents or guardians, whose rules she has to abide with to prevent problems from them.

In her mind’s eyes, she sees her relationship with you as a visa to the world of unlimited freedom one in which she can do and undo.

Right now she isn’t sure with you breathing down her neck with the very rules she is running from. You have broken the mirror of the perfect world she had all along dreamt of. Her cries are therefore signs of frustration, despair as well as disappointment.

Being eight years older than she is, give her the benefit of your experience. Help her understand through patience and understanding that there is nothing like absolute freedom. That life is about moderation and that our senses of responsibilities to the feelings of others around us demand we always strive to put their interest first before ours.

That having a sense of responsibility for others is the check nature has placed on our freedom.

When next she refuses to obey simple instruction, let her understand that a relationship without its own sets of rules cannot succeed. She has to learn to respect you as the leader of the team for you to appreciate her position in your life. That if she continues to behave like she is currently doing, the love you have for her might not be able to sustain the relationship.

Also give her the opportunity to make her mistakes because that is the only way she can learn. This is possible through patience and tolerance on your path. Desist from being too rigid and appreciate the fact that you too went through this subtle crisis in your own time.

Good luck.

I Fear For My Pint-sized Children

Dear Agatha,

I am a married woman with two growing children. I am not very tall. My husband even though he is slightly tall seems to have short genes dominating his body system. Our two children from all indications are going to be short too as they actually seem shorter in height than most of their peers.

I know that gene is responsible for this, but I have a feeling that with good nutrition and probably medication, the children can grow taller. Please, what nutrition or food do you recommend that I feed them with? What do you think I can do to help them grow taller? The first one is 13 years while the second is 10 years.

Worried Mother.

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Dear Worried Mother,

The first thing you should never do is to give these children complex about their heights. Your position as their mother is to encourage them to act as their shield and not to be in the vanguard of pumping complex into their brains.

It is also important that you don’t begin to give them ideas that there are magical pills anywhere.

These children are at very tender ages when a wrong move or word can change their lives forever. Once you make them feel inferior among their peers, you risk depriving them of the joy of their age, the freedom of growing up and consequently creating issues that should not have been raised in the first place.

This is what you as their mother must strive to avoid. You may not be able to handle the cost of the problems your concerns over the heights of these children are going to create for you now and in future. Frankly, your concerns are misplaced. Your children can only be proud of who they are if you give them the encouragement to be. So be a good mother and learn to celebrate your own with the loudest of cheers. This is what you owe them.

You also have to watch your attitude concerning your husband to avoid infesting your marriage too with problems that should not come up in the first place. Didn’t you notice your husband’s height when you decided to go into a relationship with him and subsequently marry him? He couldn’t have been the tallest man you met as a girl. The fact that you agreed to marry him despite his height means you should learn to appreciate the man for who he is not demean him on account of the height of the children who have your both genes.

Having said that, yes there are some kinds of foods and exercises that can help these children gain some few inches. I won’t encourage you to introduce these children to drugs at this early age. Remember you are the one with the problem, not these children so be careful how you go about it and what you expose them to.

Before you blame the genes, what sort of diet do you feed them with? Help them by giving them milk, yoghurt, cheese, and as regularly as possibe because these are good sources of protein. Their bones need phosphorus, calcium, and magnesium while the muscles need water, protein and carbohydrates to grow. Since they are growing taller, muscles and bones are getting bigger and longer.

It is also imperative they eat at regular hours and intervals. It is very important they don’t skip meals especially breakfast. Begin theirs with balanced diet.

Let them take time to taste and chew on their food well in addition to encouraging them to drink plenty of water with the food.

From time to time change menu to keep them excited and interested in eating. Although there is something about hormonal injections, i don’t think it is advisable.

Also introduce them to vitamins and well as encourage them to go for fresh air as regularly as possible. What is important is to ensure they are in good health. Once they are happy, let the matter rest in the interest of peace in your home.

Good luck.

Irresistible, Yet She’s Not Interested In Me

Dear Agatha,

I really enjoy how you solve problems; may God solve yours too. Please I need your help. I am 22years of age and will be a graduate next year. There is this religious girl, a classmate of mine, who we shall both graduate next year.

I wooed her when we were in 100 level but till date, she hasn’t given me an answer to my request. Her reason for rejecting me is because she calls me a Saturday keeper while she is a Sunday keeper.

I don’t believe her reason is because I sometimes notice she shows interest in me. In addition she regularly calls me on phone and I in turn send her romantic love messages. Her roommate told me that of the men that have asked her out, I am the only she respects the most. We share information about our movements. I love her and desire to marry her but I am getting tired of waiting endlessly. I have also tried to develop interest in other women but it just isn’t working.

A lot of my friends have told me to allow her be but I can’t because I love her so much. I don’t know why she is doing this to me. She is very brilliant. Please help me by calling her number to beg on my behalf.

Ola.

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Dear Ola,

I called the number you gave me and the lady claimed to be your friend, but denied knowing you in the way you suggested. Though she admitted to having a classmate that goes by your name, she says there is such familiarity between the two of you and that as far she knows the person that goes by your name has a girlfriend.

As it stands, it’s best you forget this lady and move on with your life. If true, you both exchange information concerning your movements, denying you and giving the picture as a vague person in her life. Whatever issue you both have it is advisable you both find time to discuss it on a very personal level so it doesn’t affect the friendship between the two of you.

Good luck.

I’m A Pastor But My Wife Is Wayward

Dear Agatha,

I urgently need your help to resolve the crisis rocking my home. I’m a preacher who is married with seven children.

My wife has been a thorn in my flesh. Over the years has variously accused me of having several other women in my life as well as trying to kill her.

I have prayed and released several curses. My pain and confusion follow her confession of having had extra marital affairs with an old man of 60, whom she said she slept with once and a 30-year-old young man she slept with thrice between September last year and March this year.

I have repeatedly warned her against this man being a false prophet but she has refused to listen to me.

My children, who don’t have the details of the last development are against my intention to send their mother out of the house. According to them, people will mock me if I drive their mother away.

Agatha, I’m so confused. Please tell me how to handle this delicate problem.

Obi.

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Dear Obi,

I admit this is a very tough case to handle given the gravity of the allegations against your wife.

But before I say anything I want to make it clear that the final result of a relay race cannot be based only on the efforts of the last sprinter. It takes a collective effort to determine the outcome of a relay race.

The same goes for marriage. The final outcome of a married is determined by the quality of effort both parties put into its survival. To put the entire credit or blame of a marriage on the doorsteps of one of the parties is saying the other party has no role whatsoever in the final outcome. It takes two to tango and no man or woman is an island.

Marriage works best when the two persons involved acknowledge their different roles as well as the extent of their responsibilities to each other.

Profound and complicating issues come when either party ignores the existence and rights of the other person within the bond. Before becoming a part of a marriage each individual has rights. These basic rights have to be respected at all times to give way to the collective right being married brings with in.

To resolve this issue, it would do both of you a world of good to remove focus from the casualty your vows have become to all the outstanding issues you both were unable to resolve that led to the issues, especially if you are both concerned about the interests of the other parties in the union. This issue has gone beyond what you two feel but to how best you can both accommodate the desires and interests of your children who are products of this marriage.

This issue has gone beyond the apocalypse of your present situation to what would work for all concerned. Being a preacher, you must understand that some victories come with very embarrassing, painful, seemingly stupid and difficult choices that must be made. Life is a good dose of the bitter and sweet. The real nectar in life is the peace we deploy in the midst of excruciating challenges.

To help you have a clearer focus, why was your wife constantly under the impression that there were other women in your life or that you wanted her dead?

These are really weighty allegations capable of putting any woman or man under severe emotional stress. There is no way she could have simply manufactured such stories without basis? Can you plead innocent in her allegations? Were your own hands clean especially the bit about having affairs outside your home?

For that matter what sort of husband have you been to her? Many a time, we mistake our religious callings for complete seclusions of our families from our own lives. As preacher, how did you balance your religious involvement with your responsibilities to your wife especially? Were you ever available when she needed you as a woman? Did you encourage her and those feelings or mocked her desire to have privacy with her husband? Can you be called a loving and caring husband? One who puts at all times the interest of his wife and children before others? Who are these other women around you causing the quake in your home? How far did you go at trying to integrate your wife into your religious activities, to make her understand that these other women are part of your flock in the vineyard of God?

Why does she think you want to murder her? Have you ever tried to find out if any of these women parading as one of your sheep could have ulterior motive, giving the impression to your wife that you and she are an item? This is what you should investigate because more often than not, there is no smoke without fire.

For her to place such a weighty accusation at your doorstep couldn’t have been out of nothing. And being the man of the house what efforts did you make to help avert the current moral impasse confronting your marriage, especially as a man of God?

When a woman craves for only the fulfilment her husband can give her but he isn’t available to perform his role in her life or unable to appease this deep thirst in her due to other peripheral assignments, which you have given yourself, this kind of thing comes up.

For a woman who isn’t strong enough, this can make her do the unpardonable. This is because when a woman needs her husband in that special way and he isn’t there and ignores her believing what she feels is nothing, it could force her to find fulfilment elsewhere against her will.

What roles did you play in pushing her into the waiting arms of these men? We can condemn her how we like but it would not change the facts of the matter especially if you plan on bringing another woman into your life. She would still do the same thing if you continue to treat issues concerning her and her feelings with disdain.

A woman is only a woman if she is sufficiently able to sustain the attention of a man in her. The frustration of unmet desires has pushed many women into breaking their marital vows; some going to the ridiculous extent of sleeping with their drivers simply to have the warmth of a man.

It is only when you objectively look at your own contributions to the problems at hand that she can be roundly condemned.

This is where your calling as a man of God comes in. Were a sheep of yours to bring to your notice this type of problem, how would you solve it? Insist the woman vacates the home before you even have the time to find out all the attached outstanding issues that led to the problem?

Doubtless, she stands guilty of the crime of adultery but the law of fairness demands you both sit down to discuss your collective mistakes. Your marriage may not be redeemable if you have both gotten to the point of no return, that place where you cannot forgive and forget this very low point of your marriage but sit you must to discuss the interests of your seven children; those special gifts God blessed your marriage with, the pride of your manhood as well as womanhood. You both owe these children so much consideration because if due to the quality of marriage and decisions you and their mother make now, something untoward happens to any of them, none of you would be able to forgive yourselves.

When issues like this come up, go into the future and see if this incident would matter so much as it matters now. This you can do by thinking about those important things you would find irreplaceable if she vacates your life. She couldn’t have been all bad news; she must have some outstanding qualities that made you stay with her to have seven children.

Without your collective mistakes, do you consider the adulterous type; one who sleeps around with anything in trousers? To have a better focus in life, we must look at the past for the present and the future to be happy.

If you were the one who openly confessed to adultery would you expect her to forgive you and forget the incident in the interest of the children and marriage? Sincerely, this is the point you need the wisdom and direction of God to go on because to depend on your own wisdom could have more bitter implications for you.

Good luck.

My Girl’s Past Haunts Our Dream

Dear Agatha.

I am a boy of 24 years and student of the University of Abuja.

I am currently dating a girl whom before I met lived a very dangerous life. In addition, she is secretive and has a very pretentious nature.

In December last year, a cousin of hers who unfortunately died in January this year cautioned me on the need to be very strict with her due to her nature and tendencies.

This information led me to question her about her past and person. At first, she didn’t say anything but one day capitulated to my pressures. She told me the reason she abandoned her former lifestyle is because of me. After my talk she also left the group she belonged.

According to her, the specialty of this group is to blackmail prominent men. Perhaps the most shocking and surprising thing about this is the involvement of her uncle in crime chain. As a matter of fact her uncle dragged her into it.

Now the group is threatening to expose her to the public and at the same time deal with her. They are aware that a man is responsible for her quitting the trade but they don’t know my identity. They have written several letters to her and always bring them to me to read.

Honestly, I am in love with her. She has done things to prove to me that she also falls head on toe with me. The most shocking of the discovery is meeting her intact the first time we made love. Please help me out because I don’t know how to handle this matter at all.

M.E.O.

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Dear M.E.O.,

Meeting her a virgin shows that whatever quality of life she led while she was with this gang didn’t affect her person and character. Whatever her uncle used her for only affected her superficially, a good sign that whatever the situation this kind of woman finds herself she can be trusted to hold her own.

However, that doesn’t eliminate the implications of the threat letters she is receiving from the gang. Since she has insider’s information, she too can blackmail the gang by threatening to go to the Police with the information about them and how they have been using her to blackmail men into submitting to their demands. She should also go a step further by threatening to make public all the lists of men they have blackmailed and also those they are planning to blackmail. Threatening to expose their modus operandi to the same members of public that they want to expose her to would make them think twice. This is because she won’t be the only one they would have lost but their main source of income. Blackmailers don’t like being blackmailed so when they are pushed to the wall, like the cowards they are, run for cover.

Refusing to be intimidated is the only way she can win this battle and maintain her sanity. But there is also the need for her to report these threats to the Police to prevent any ugly incident whether now or in the future.

She should be bold to report the matter at the Police Station leaving the Police to decide whether the matter worth pursuing or not.

This is very pertinent because if they go to the Police before her, it could spell trouble for her as well as your relationship with her especially if paraded as an accomplice in the crime of blackmail.

But going to the Police first offers her soft landing in case the gang becomes desperate and careless in the process of getting her back at all cost.

This is the time she needs your confidence and wisdom to get through all these. Make sure she has enough confidence in your love and trust to do what is right at the end of the day.

Good luck.