What do I do with her?

Dear Agatha, Thank you for the way you help people solve their various problems. I’m a boy of 18 years of age. A year ago when I was in secondary school, I started dating this girl I loved so much. I told her the way I felt about her and we started dating but she never told me how she felt about me. I asked whether she loved me and she said that I should wait till after our final external examinations. So I let her be but she kept coming to me each time I am in the company of a particular girl I have no intention to date. When I asked what she wanted she said she just wanted to know if I was still interested in dating her to which I replied in the affirmative. After our Senior Secondary Certificate Examinations (SSCE), when I went to ask to ask her again what about her feelings towards me, she still didn’t give me any clear answer. At that point, I told her I could no longer continue to wait for her but that we can remain friends, an offer she accepted. But I made a promise to stay away from any relationship with a woman until I was sure that I wanted to get married. After our graduation, we lost contact; I also lost my father that year. Somehow she got to know about it and called to sympathize with me and has been calling me occasionally, to know how am faring. Honestly, I don’t know what to make of her calls; whether to ensure I don’t forget her or not. Unfortunately, I have since moved on with my life of which she isn’t part of it anymore. I want to pursue my Canadian SAT Exams with all seriousness. When I made my intentions known to her, it wasn’t with the intent to engage in premarital sex but to have her in my life. I loved her with everything in me. I need your help. Chibueze. Dear Chibueze, Ordinarily, after going through your mail, I should tell you to forget this girl and concentrate on your studies. But something about you demands I give this letter more than a passing attention. Your depth of reasoning gives you a maturity far beyond your age; one, men older than you don’t have. Sincerely, for a young man of 18, you appear very focused and clear on your future. This is rare and commendable. Most young men these days that approach girls for a relationship have one thing in mind; to have sex with the girls. Therefore, most young girls not ready to go the whole way have learnt to keep their distance from men generally. This is because they don’t want any complications whatsoever in their lives. From her attitude and body language, this girl likes you but isn’t exactly sure what you want from her hence her hesitations. Sometimes, it isn’t just enough to tell a girl you like her; the man must be definite about what he wants from her. This is necessary for girls who too are determined to make it in life. She is fearful that going into a relationship with you might either contaminate or spoil the dream she and her parents have for her. Maturity demands that in situation like this, you first woo her to talk about herself, dreams, vision and mission. She needs assurances that she will always be safe with you. She has refused to give you the clear cut answer you need because you appear unwilling to make the kind of reassuring commitments she needs. She was afraid to say anything because she was torn between her dreams and her body chemistry. She didn’t want to betray either of them. She naively thought keeping quiet would give you the signal of her true feelings for you even though she was trying so hard not to say it. Had you been more experienced and knowledgeable about the ways of women, you would have decoded her true feelings from her attitude. Besides, true love doesn’t die; it could become dormant but it never vanishes like you are making it out to be. If you say you are determined to keep it under the lid forever, I will understand but to say you no longer feel anything for her on account of her refusal to give you a definite answer, cannot be right. The fact that you are sufficiently bothered enough to send this mail itself is enough evidence that you are not as indifferent to her as you want to believe. Deep inside, you still have feelings for her just that you are still angry by what you perceive to be her rejection of you to give your feelings detailed thoughts. There are certain things in life that are too powerful to fight. Trust me, true love is one of them. You can deny its existence all you like but, if it is the real thing, you cannot fight it. No matter how busy you get or crowded your mind is, with things you deliberately put there to make you forget it, true love will always find a way. It is useless trying to fight what you cannot win. Besides, you will always wonder in later years, when you are older and more deep in the ways of women, if you did the right thing by not taking that vital step in this situation. What appears right to you now might be a mistake you will forever regret. By making the appointment to see her and talk things over with her, you would be putting the past in its proper perspective; ensuring that you don’t spend the rest of your life brooding over a mistake that might be too late to retrieve. In seeings her again, perish the hurt of the past by liberating your mind to really hear her out. Don’t give her an attitude at all. Come to her as a friend; who really likes her and is determined to hear her out. By thanking her for her concern, talk about your father; the reason she came back into your life before talking about your plans for the future. End it by going back to the reason you wanted to see her again; your love for her when you were in school. This time, be explicit on what you felt for her and what you hoped to achieve with her. Putting your feelings for her then in the past tense is to give you an escape route just in case she doesn’t want you back to you. It is only after this discussion that you can effectively conclude on this relationship; gain the complete liberty to move on without any form of regrets in the future. Good luck.