My husband keeps cheating on me

Dear Agatha, My husband has been having an affair right from our wedding. We have been married six years now. He has been having incessant and indiscriminate affairs every now and then. He has never been without a girlfriend. Please I need your help and I want to make you my friend because I am getting frustrated and almost going nuts. I have tried all the moves you described in the article; helped by my pastors’ counseling but I often get discouraged because every time I show love to him, he won’t even reply or retaliate. He still keeps late nights despite my efforts. Although he provides the necessities for the children and I, but this new girl he is now seeing really takes his time and energy. He is now into alcoholism but not to the drunken state. Help me ma. I’m tired of relaying my story to people and my pastor as I don’t want to bother him anymore. I’m just 28 years of age and even if I say so myself, still beautiful. You can check me out on the Facebook. May God help you as you start to help me! Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Any woman who tells you her marriage is completely free of challenges is lying. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage; what exist is a perfect determination by couples to weather the storm of two people, from different backgrounds, families, attitudes and thoughts coming together to make a home. Sincerely, the first seven years are the most difficult ones. This is so because this period is one of adjustment and embracing the reality. It is a period of transition from the make believe world of romantic fantasies to the actuality of discovering the real person behind the face of love and romance of one’s partner. I am sure, you weren’t exactly in the dark concerning your husband’s love for women but pretended not to notice because of so many things you might have put into consideration; things you thought you could cope with and change overtime. One thing the early period of our marital life brings to the fore is the practicality of our decisions. Whether you like it or not, you are as much to blame for this situation as well as your husband. The reason is simple; you made the choice to marry him despite the flaws you noticed in his behaviour. So this is the time to apply wisdom instead of sentiments for peace to reign in your home. There are certain things in marriage that cannot be changed overtime. Your kind of problem is the kind that requires absolute patience, mindless endurance and persistent prayers to defeat. This is because the marriage institution, like life itself, is sectioned into different seasons. There is always the time to sow and to reap; time to be sad and time to be happy. There is no marriage without its package of pains, choices and disappointments. The difference is that our problems are not all the same. However, the challenge of infidelity you are presently going through in your marriage is common to more than 80 percent of married women. Men are the same all over the world. The lure for the feminine flesh is simply too strong for most men to ignore. Only the grace of God makes one marriage more endurable than the other. Therefore, wise and realistic women have learnt over the years to ignore this aspect of their men. For some women, as long as the man is providing for the family, he can do whatever he wants with his time and the balance of his money. One thing you should get clear is that extra marital affair in marriage is one of the least challenges a woman faces in her marriage. If you end your marriage on account of your husband keeping other women, you will end up being the loser in the sense that it is a common malady with every man except very few. Therefore the issue of your being beautiful should not even come into play. Once you give bite to this line of thought, you are also preparing yourself to destroy another woman’s home and relationship. Many of those women who are today destroying your homes one time or the other, reasoned like you are doing now. The world is a circle of paradox. If you decide to end your marriage; if the undertone of your mail is anything to go by, you too would be a danger to the relationships of other women. Rather, you must learn to cope with this man God has given to you as a husband because you both swore to be together through all the seasons of life. Those who conceived the marriage creed did out of experience. They knew that marriage is a journey of the good, the bad and ugly. The unfortunate thing is that couples, especially women recite this without paying much attention to the words. If you did, you would have been prepared psychologically for the situation you are battling with in marriage. The only way to protect your marriage is to develop the right shocks to ignore his other women. Stop nagging him. To do that is to further give him a reason to fall into the arms of another waiting woman. If you have been doing this, stop it immediately. Instead develop the will to be pleasant to him. I appreciate this is very difficult given all that you are passing through but you really don’t have any choice in this matter but to be nice to him. It is the only way you can win him over. The fact that he is also romancing the bottle is a strong indication that you are making life a little bit of hell for him in the house. You don’t stupidly jump into a raging fire without trying first to put it out before saving life. Anything you say now would be like pouring petrol into a fire. He is too far gone to listen to whatever you say. He would think you are trying to criticize him so adopt the very quiet approach to this matter. First, you must find that thing that is always driving him outside to these other women. Although some men appear not to have a reason to cheat on their wives, the truth is there is always a reason for everything. Years of doing this job has taught me one thing; that major marital challenges begin with very minor issues. It could just be your person as a whole; some men who cheat don’t have any reason beyond the fact that their wives have intimidating personalities. You might just be in this category; this is after you have eliminated every other obvious reason he might have for going out. One thing you must never take for granted is the value of your man. First and foremost, he is the head of the home and as such deserves every respect you have to offer. If God intended for both men and women to share the leadership in marriage, he wouldn’t have given the headship to the man so no matter what, learn to respect your man. This has to do with the ego of the average man. Every man is always looking for a woman to massage his ego. When he comes back, don’t remind him of the other women. Give him what he wants from you. Pretend he is just coming from a friend’s place. The truth is, the sex you refuse him, he is getting in different dimensions and variations from other women so he might not really miss yours so if you deny him of it, you are only giving him a valid reason to go outside. Therefore, learn to relax, enjoy being with him. Let him know through your disposition and appreciation of him; that you are more than capable of giving him everything he needs in a woman. The fact that you are fighting for your husband’s affection should ignite your passion to make the difference in his life. You are wise to stop telling people about your challenge. You are the one in the best position to decide on what you want your life to be. The fact that he still remembers to give you money for your upkeep and those of the children means he is responsible despite his social habits. You are still lucky than most women whose husbands don’t care how they or the children feed or go to school. Be grateful for this mercy by going more on your knees to get your husband to change. Just believe that God is using this to teach and impact a lesson that will be useful to others in later years. Good luck.