He means everything to me

Dear Agatha, I am 23 years old. There is this man I dated during my service year, who is 26 years old. We did almost everything together until we broke up some months after my youth service. He told me he preferred us to be best of friends since we enjoyed exceptional bond even as lovers. I accepted his proposition and remained friends with him. We kept communicating everyday, and hardly got angry with each other. We kept acting as if we were still dating and I kept turning down other men with the hope this man and I would still come back together as a couple. Even when I accepted one of the men interested in me on a trial basis, I felt depressed as if I was betraying someone by dating this other guy. So of recent, I had to pour out my mind to him and to ask him to come clean regarding the exact position of our relationship. I told him the current status of our friendship left me confused and was preventing me from moving on. I further explained it was wasting my time especially as I had nothing substantial to hold on to. He told me cared about me and would want to come back into my life. He admitted that he hasn’t been fair to me at all and that he had been fearful of me announcing the presence of another man in my life to him. He said he did what he did because he wasn’t sure I would have the patience to wait for him to be ready since he desired to further move on with his studies. Although I told him I would wait, I gave him one month to think about his options to be very sure. That one month expired during the Easter period. He promised to see me on Easter Monday, he didn’t; he gave excuses and fixed another day; the same thing happened. He didn’t show up. I got angry and sent him a text message telling him not to bother to come again and that he shouldn’t worry about me or talk about our pending matter since his attitude communicated his decision clearly to me. For a week, none of us bothered to call each other. I wasn’t comfortable with the situation, so I called him. He was extremely cold to me on the phone. I am so confused because I do love him. I don’t know if he does. He tells me he loves me but keep pushing me away from him. My friends say I should forget him and move on with my life by giving another guy a space in my heart. Some say I should give him time; that he cares but is focused on his career now. Heart Broken Dear Heart Broken, Having finished your youth service, this is the time to get serious with your life. If this man is shy to come clean with his plans for you, avoids giving you a complete assurance, it would be pointless waiting for him. No matter how much he loves you, his inability to tie himself down to a commitment to you invalidates whatever claims of love he has for you. As it is, you cannot lash him down to anything tangible, except the obvious, that you should move on with your life; that for now, all he can offer you is friendship. He is being as sincere as possible. This makes his claim to love for you factual in the sense that he doesn’t want to hurt you or give you false hopes concerning his plans for you. In his own way, he is telling you that in his current state of mind and position in life, he has nothing to offer you by way of security or clear plans. Deep down, he is aware that having finished school and your service year, you would be under pressure by your family and friends to get married. Should he agree to having you back in his life and you go with his current vague plans, do you think you have the stamina to withstand the pressures of your friends and family? This is the point a woman gets to in life, and tells herself the truth. Knowing the mind set of most young women your age; do you think you can wait for him? Will you not begin to pressure him once one or two of your friends begin to get married? This is the situation this young man appears to be running from. He wants the freedom to marry only when he is ready, not when you are. Since you appear so fixed on him, one sacrifice you have to make is to find time to visit him at his base to discuss personally with him. This is one issue, telephone promises will not resolve. He will keep disappointing you because he hasn’t been able to determine his own dilemma with himself. He is obviously struggling within himself to do what he feels is right for you and him. He is conscious of the impatience of the average young woman once her mind is primed on getting married. He appears not to want any of it until he establishes himself. Something in your discussions when both of you were together may have frightened him to make this hasty retreat. At 26, the average man isn’t in a hurry to settle down whereas at 20, some girls are ready to. But you have to come up with suggestions of how best to handle the lock-jam your relationship is suffering from. First, when you go to him hear his options. To have something to hold on to, encourage him to be detailed in his plan map to you. Ask him exactly how much time he wants; this is to enable you gauge what your options with him are as well as the other choices you have. For instance, if he wants five years of your time, can you give him? What would you be doing in those five years? Even if you do decide to also further your education, can you as a woman trust him to keep to his promise? These are issues sentiments and feelings cannot resolve. You need a clear mind to come to realistic decision here. If he is asking for more time, what would be your age by then? At that age, can you begin again? What would be your viability then as a woman? What would be your indemnity value then? Insurance companies always put a lot of things into consideration before insuring anything. The same thing applies to relationship. You cannot afford to be careless with your future. It is important you think wisely before giving a commitment against your future. If he agrees to meet with you, ensure you do not short charge yourself on the altar of wanting to be with him at all cost. If what he is offering you is what you are sure you can give, accept it but apply the brake, if you aren’t too sure. The reason you must see him is to help both of you resolve what appears to be a pending matter between the two of you. From your letter, both of you appear to be in love with each other but don’t know how to execute the love because of the extraneous issues that have crept in. Fair enough, he has a right to further his education; just as you have the right to be happy. It is this equilibrium, you must work out. You must be ready to move on if he isn’t forth coming with his plans. You can only work it out if he is willing to let you stay in his life. Most times, things don’t work out the way we want. You may think he is the best thing to have happened to you but, how would you know a better alternative is available if you don’t give another man the chance into your life? So, take the urgent step to resolve this with him to enable you move on with your life. Goodluck