He can’t give me what I want

Dear Agatha, I have been married for 11 years. My husband loves me more than anyone else in this world. I knew about his erectile dysfunction when I was dating him. But at that time, I was very ignorant and didn’t know the gravity of his problem. Even after marriage, I and my husband had a very loving and satisfying relationship but I miss some measure of romantic advances from him. I thought being 12 years older than I am, his mindset and views on sex were different from mine. Now I am 35 years old. I have really matured as a woman in the last couple of years. Now, I feel terrible when I am sexually unsatisfied; and lately, I have had a sexual relation with one of my friends who was really sexually awesome. Unfortunately, he has a girl friend so he and I had to discontinue with our relationship. My husband is in the know about this relationship; he is, as a matter of fact very opened about my having affairs with other men. But I am very sad. I feel like having a complete sexual and emotional relationship but I do not want to divide my emotions between two men. Besides, I don’t want to leave my husband because I love him; he is my best friend as well. But on the other hand, I am suffering from the pain of separating from my friend with whom I had such a satisfying sexual relationship. I do not want to ruin his life by forcing him to leave his girl friend. Now, I am unable to decide or take another emotional tie but my sexual desire remains so strong that almost every day, I cry for hours at my destiny. I love my husband but I am not sexually connected to him. I may find sexual pleasure with another man but that will cause me further pain as I do not want to abandon my husband and leave him alone at this age. What do I do? How do I help myself? Please advice me. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, What kind of persons are you and your husband? What manner of marriage are you both executing? Even if your husband demands it of you, as the woman whose body is involved, must you agree to such bizarre arrangement? How can this kind of perversion be a solution to whatever is wrong in your marriage? For goodness sake, it is your reputation that is involved here. People who observe you having extra-marital affairs, won’t call your husband names, it is you that will be called all manner of names. Even though I find the story of your husband knowing you are having affairs outside the home a little strange, how does sleeping with these other men resolve the problem both of you have in your marriage? That he is 12 years older than you doesn’t make him ancient or your problems insurmountable. He is just 47 and not 74. He is relatively young and able to adjust if only you both know what you want from each other. If your complaint is lack of romance, have you sat him down to tell him how you want to be romanced? Sincerely, a lot of men are guilty of this. Many of them don’t understand the desires of the woman to be held and petted. Not many men appreciate this kitten nature of a woman. Most men think it is absolute waste of time to have foreplay before and after sex. It is your duty as the woman to insist on it as well as show your man how you want to be romanced. The man you think is super in bed is doing it because what you both are doing is forbidden. There is a certain measure of madness and wildness that come within the territory of an illicit affair. I am sure his regular girlfriend won’t think him so super because with her he doesn’t have a point to prove. He invested time and energy in your case because it is what you came out of your marriage to get. He had the responsibility of satisfying your fantasy. By the time you become his regular woman, he won’t have any need to inject so much energy into it. It isn’t something that happens deliberately but happens all the same when a man and woman have become used to their ways. So why not initiate a discussion with your husband over this issue? Knowledge of sex like every other thing in life needs to be visited by way of discussion by couples and upgraded to keep the union intact. If you are still operating with the knowledge or quality of sex you came into marriage with, there is no way you will be satisfied. Couples should be able at all times to evaluate their performances with a view to adding exciting vibes into their union. It is time you sat your husband down for a complete discussion. That he is supporting your extra-martial affairs calls to question your so-called love for each other. Morally bankrupt as the world has become, no sane man will support his wife’s extra-marital affair unless the man is completely impotent and desires to father children by other men to mask his problem. Is this the issue in your marriage? There are many couples out there with your kind of challenge but who have devised ways of working around it. You talk as if you were a child bride. Were you forced into the marriage? Did you have to marry him at the time you did? If you are 35 now, it means you got married at 24 since you say you have been married for 11 years. At that age, you were more than mature to know what you were going into. At that age, you could tell the difference between quality sex and manageable one. He must have given you certain kinds of fulfillment to make you decide to spend the rest of your life with him. Chances are you got introduced into your new sexual passion by one of the affairs you had. The truth is whatever prompted your marrying him then, you feel no longer apply. Although you didn’t say it, but it appears you have fallen in love with someone else and only using the health situation of your husband as an excuse for your affairs. Whatever your reasons for having an extra-martial affair, it is wrong for you to stay married to your man and have an affair with another man. What you are doing goes against every moral law-both of God and man. The least you can do is to end your marriage if you are no longer gaining any emotional satisfaction from it. To stay with your husband and sleep with other men is unpardonable. Rather than invest your time and emotions thinking of the kind of sex you can get from these men that litter your life, have you thought of helping your husband overcome his challenge? As his wife, what steps have you taken in terms of seeking expert opinion on the issue? In addition, what kind of erectile dysfunction is your husband suffering from? As I asked earlier, is he completely impotent, cannot last for more than a second or that his sperms pour out of your body once it is over? If he can get up but lacks the stamina to last beyond the first minute, what you should do is rely on heavy romance to make it work for both of you. A lot of people frown on oral sex but it has its usefulness when it comes to sexual satisfaction especially in situations like yours. It has preserved so many marriages. If his sperms come out immediately you get up, use pillows to elevate your buttocks to give deep access inside you. This way, he is able to deposit his semen close to your womb. Since your grouse isn’t with his inability to give you a child; this might not be your concern but you need to know if you still want to stay married to this man. If you call someone your best-friend, it means you would do anything to make that person happy. Do you think that deep down your husband is happy at the knowledge of you in another man’s hand? Can you boast about your affairs to your friends and family members? It is either you end this marriage and remain his friend or you make up your mind to make the essential sacrifice needed to make this marriage work. Where there is a will, there is always a way. There are various ways you can achieve sexual harmony in your marriage. I want you to answer this question; how would you feel seeing your husband in the arms of another woman? If you don’t feel anything, think it is fun; then you and this man are only pretending to have a marriage. Under the circumstance it would be best for you both of part ways and not further destroy each other for the right persons you each might meet later in life. At 47, he can begin a new life with the right woman who loves, supports and respects him. Good luck.