My widowed step mum brings home her sugar boy

Dear Agatha, I really need your advice on ways to handle this issue in my family. I am the first son of my late father who died in 2009. I have been away from home since 2007. I was in Nigeria for the burial and came back to my base to continue with my education. Thank God I am through and planning coming back to Nigeria soon to spend time with my family. My mother had me for my father while still in high school. He was already married then, and my mother being too young, there was no marriage plans between the two of them. I grew up with my maternal grandmother. When I got to high school, I had to look for my father. To be fair to my stepmother, she received and accorded me the respect as the first son. Even her children all gave me my place, including my elder sister, her first daughter. I love my stepmother as my mother. She destroyed all the negative myths I heard about stepmothers being wicked. Her open acceptance of me made nonsense of all I had been told that she won’t accept me being a boy, especially as she also has a son. Throughout my stay with her, never did she for once see me as a threat to her son. When my father died, she cried bitterly. Deep in me, I decided I would be her joy and take care of her. The issue now is: she is seeing a younger guy in my community and doing it openly. My siblings, especially my younger brother, have been really aggressive trying to put a stop to the relationship; almost fighting the young man. My elder sister’s husband and some family members have tried to talk to her about her bringing shame to the family as well as her decision to be bringing the boy to my father’s house. She fights and categorises anybody who kicks against the affair as an enemy. This has prompted everyone to hands off the matter. They have put the burden of talking to her on me, since everyone knows that she sees me as her first son and her favourite. We are very close; she listens to me. To be fair, she can get involved with whosoever, but bringing her lover to the family house isn’t right. Besides, my siblings are against the whole affair because the guy is too young for her. Since I have never met him, I cannot give an opinion on that. We have never had any misunderstanding before, but I am afraid this might cause trouble between us. Already, my uncles have slashed her monthly allowance, yet she continues to see the guy. This, in my opinion, means the relationship is more serious than many realise. Right now, they have all decided to wait for me to take action. If her own children, her siblings and uncles cannot stop her, how can I persuade her? She is in her 50s, and from what I gathered from my siblings, she practically takes care of this young guy. I guess that informed the decision to slash her monthly allowances. Agatha, please I need your advice on how to tackle this. Stepson. Dear Stepson, Force has never been known to work with anyone in love. Rather, the more you all condemn her choice of a man, the more determined to keep the relationship going she would be. For a woman her age, it isn’t just a matter of desiring the relationship anymore, but that of personal pride and anger at the attitude of everybody towards her person and choice. Because of this, even when she realises that she may have made one or two mistakes, she will soldier on to deny you all the pleasure of reminding her that you all told her so. If it is almost impossible to make a younger person change his or her mind about a decision to date a particular person, what makes any of you think you can change the mind of an adult who has long past the age of consent; has been married and enjoyed unrestricted sex life? How would you react to being told that the person you are dating now isn’t good enough for you? For that matter, how would your younger brother feel if your mother decides to fight the lady he is intending to marry? Emotions are funny. When they come calling, reasons take the back set. Sex, love and romance are ageless. When they happen, the feelings are universal. Even in the animal kingdom, the bonds of love defy reasoning and understanding. This young man is the person she considers good enough for her. None of you must forget that. Whether you like him or not, her choice should be respected. She is her own person and considers all the noise about her choice of a man by the family as not only embarrassing but humiliating to her integrity. Her determination to go ahead with her decision is enforced by deep-rooted anger at the death of her husband whose mortal absence exposed her to the situations going on around her. She is fighting back out of bitterness, anger and frustration. She cannot fight death that robbed her of a life partner, and exposed her vulnerability as a woman. At 50-plus, she is at that delicate age when most women need the presence and companionship of their men. Our true nature cannot be denied. She is fighting you all because you have all refused to listen to her, taking into considerations her own feelings. The fact that she is widowed doesn’t mean her life must come to an end, terminate with her late husband. None of you knows how she really feels. This is the difference you must make when talking to her. Invite her out for a frank son/mother talk. Use your knowledge of her, her best food, perfume, colours to lure her out of the walls of defence she has naturally built around herself. Use the pet name she calls you or the memories you have both shared to get her to trust you enough to tell you her side of the story. Don’t even show any trace of antagonism for her choice of a lover; rather begin by asking if she is happy as a woman. Let her know you are really concerned about her happiness and that you aren’t against the man she finds it with. This will naturally make her relax because, though she is fighting everybody, deep inside her, she needs a friend within the family. As her favourite, you stand the chance of making her look at the matter more comprehensively. What others cannot achieve by fighting her and her lover, you can achieve by being sensitive to her moods. Hear her out. As gently as possible, put across the reasons for the feelings of others. Let her understand too that those fighting her love her and want the best for her. Present their real fears about her relationship with the boy. Offer to meet the boy. You cannot fight someone or make judgements about a person you don’t know. Get to meet him first. Engage him in a discussion that will enable you journey into his mind; know what he thinks as well as his reason for wanting to stay in a relationship with a woman of that age. Meeting you will definitely knock some senses into his head; know that he is being watched and that his intentions are not hidden from the family. Your presence will intimidate him enough to make him reconsider certain things about the relationship. After meeting him, meet with other members of the family to explain their need to be more understanding as well as a change in their attitude towards your mother. Then demand for a compromise, a decision others too must respect if peace is to return to the family. Let your mother know that, for reasons of decency and propriety, she should get a place for her lover. That, bringing him to the family house isn’t right and in a way insults the memory of her late husband. Inform her about what some people are saying about her decision to bring her lover into her matrimonial home. To ensure your argument hits the bull eye, tell her that there are insinuations by some mischievous people that she lacks respect for the name and memory of her late husband. Assure her that you won’t allow anybody bother her if he is kept away from the family house. Tell your uncle, as a way of ending the crisis, to restore her allowances. It is her money, so she has the right to use it anyway she wants. Maturity and wisdom will go a long way in restoring peace to your family. Good luck.