Her father is being difficult

Dear Agatha, Of recent, I have been following your page and thanks for your concern about people’s needs. Not too long ago, I met a lady when we went for our National Youth Service orientation in Enugu. That was where it all started from. When I saw her, I was convinced she would be my wife. She is from the South-South geographical area of the country while am from South-East. In the camp, I took my time to study her and found out that she has everything I wanted in a woman. She read Statistics while I studied Sociology/Anthropology. I couldn’t hide my feeling from her neither did I want to waste precious time. I opened up and told her of my desire to marry her. She didn’t say anything me at first. She thought I was joking. To demonstrate my sincerity, I told her to inform her parents about me which she did after the two weeks break the National Youth Service Commission gave us. When she came back, she told me that her parents said it was too sudden; that we have to give ourselves time which I agreed to. After two months, I thought it wise to let my pastor and parents know about this plan, I went ahead to inform them about the development. My parents asked me to bring her home which I did. We spent some days in my parents’ place. They took a liking to her because she is not only God fearing but also obedient and respectful. Six months later, I asked her to go back to her parents to remind them of what she earlier told them, which she did. This time, her father told her he wanted her to go for Master’s programme and that she can bring me home after enrolling for the programme. I agreed since I also desired to do mine. Unfortunately, the university she applied for her programme requested her discharge certificate which was yet to be issued then. This made her to miss the admission for that year. We both considered the time we were going to waste hence decided make out time to see her parents. I told her to let her father know that our marriage will not stop her from pursuing her programme since both of us hope to be lecturers in the nearest future. She did but he refused. I then told her to appeal to her mother which she did. The mother agreed I should come over to see her father. Last week I went after informing my parents of my desire to see her parents; I traveled to North-Central where my girlfriend’s parents stay to meet with them. On arrival, my girlfriend told me she only informed the father about two hours to my arrival. When I met the father, a pastor, he welcomed me well and after some exchanges, demanded to know what my mission to his house was all about. I told him. He confirmed he only got to know about my journey two hours before I came. I apologized on behalf of my girlfriend. At the end of it all, he told me that before we can get married, he would like the vision of his daughter becoming a lecturer accomplished and that he would want to pray over it. I accepted but the problem here is that it would take up to two-three years for her to be through. Agatha, I would like you to know that my girlfriend and I are no longer kids; we are 29-26 years of age respectively. I’m confused with this condition. What do I do now? Confused Man. Dear Confused Man, At 29, you may be an adult but when it comes to marriage, are you really prepared for the challenges that go with it? As a man who plans to get married, what can you point to as your modest achievement? How do you propose to sustain you and your family in the later years? Having just finished your youth service, your concern now should be getting a job to support your vision of settling down. From the content of your letter, you are still dependent on your parents. If this is so, you are wrong to want to get married now. You must earn your respect as a man first before bringing a woman into your life permanently. Without the ability to maintain a home as a man, you risk losing the respect of not only your woman but that of her family and friends. It is the duty of the man to provide for his family. Have you in all these given a thought to the children that would come when the two of you get married? You can agree to delay the process of having children to enable both of you finish with your studies but there are some children that defy family planning. They come irrespective of whatever prevention the woman has taken. If the father gives the go ahead for you to marry his daughter and she gets pregnant almost immediately, how do you plan to provide for your family? Would you have to rely on your parents or parents-in-law to help with the upkeep of your home? Love alone cannot feed and sustain any relationship and marriage. Yes, it is the vehicle that brings two people together, but it needs the assistance of money, good plans and wise decisions to get it going. Honestly, you are not equipped in these other areas for the journey you are so desperate to embark on. True, your love for your girlfriend comes from the heart but your desire to spend the rest of your lives together must be backed by viable plans that will make both of you truly independent of your parents. This is what her father is trying so hard to prevent. The fact he gave you audience should, despite the very short notice, demonstrate his willingness to encourage the relationship. But he is not about to let both of you commit the unpardonable mistake so many young couples make; that of not planning their lives before walking the aisles. As a married man and pastor, he has more experiences to last him a lifetime. He doesn’t want you making the error of bad judgment of what the marriage institution is all about. He is deliberately putting these obstacles on your way to ascertain your feelings for each other and to give you time to be prepared for the challenges ahead. Unless, your parents are super rich, you must also consider the issue of getting a job. There are no assurances that you will get employment immediately after your programme. You still need to look for work. Even if your parents are rich, a reasonable man, who knows what he wants from life and desires to protect his wife and children from the politics as well as interferences from his family; will not rush into marriage immediately after school like you are thinking of doing. Your marriage might not survive the first years if you are not clear on how to take effective charge of your home as a man. To do this, you must be able to play your role as husband, father and friend to your wife and children. If both of you are meant to be, three years will not make any difference; rather the years will only enforce your feelings for each other. You can afford to rush into a relationship but not marriage since it is a lifetime contract. The complications of a rushed decision to marry are always too severe to contemplate. Had you gone to him as an accomplished young man; one who has a job, he won’t be insisting she finished with her education first. He is doing this to ensure your girlfriend has some measure of security in life. You may not appreciate him now but in later years, when the wrinkle of managing your own family becomes etched on your face, you will come to appreciate the tact and wisdom of your father-in-law to be. If nothing, you have been able to achieve one thing; getting to meet with them and establishing your love for their daughter. That should do for now. Rather than wonder at his attitude, surprise him with your initiative and ability to sustain a home. By the time you present him with the physical evidences of your report card as a man with vision; not one with just passion he would agree. Good luck.